Okay, people are now living their lives by ripping off The Simpsons... and I thought I was obsessed...

I finally got through all of the I Love the 80s Strikes Back I had saved on my DVR... they really dropped the ball on a lot of things. They failed to mention:
My Two Dads - The debut of Giovanni Ribisi, the appearance of The Monkees' Davy Jones (singing the awful song "Oh Nicole"), and the stellar acting of former football player Dick Butkus.
Charles in Charge - The original family the Pembrokes.
Bo Jackson - His unstoppable character on Nintendo's Techmo Super Bowl.
Growing Pains - The appearances of before-they-were-stars Leonardo DiCaprio, Matthew Perry, and Brad Pitt (who made 2 non-consecutive appearances as different characters).
Sloppy, to say the least.

Hope everyone enjoys their New Year festivities... I'll be back in 2004!

Back at work after a nice 5-day layoff... hope everyone enjoyed the holidays.

"There was doo doo - feces - thrown all over the walls, the floor, the ceiling."
Michael Jackson, describing the men's room he says police locked him in
I didn't actually watch the 60 Minutes interview last night, but this quote kills me. How old is he? Like 45? And he still says "doo doo?" If he ever wants to plead insanity, all his lawyers would have to do is show this clip from the interview, and he'd be off the hook.

Speaking of doo doo, have you heard the novelty song "I Farted on Santa's Lap?" One of the worst novelty Christmas songs ever. Makes me long for the days of "Jingle Bells" by the barking dogs. Oh, and am I the only one who's depressed that it'll be at least 11 months until I hear "Do They Know It's Christmas" on the radio again? So freakin' catchy...

Saw Big Fish and Cold Mountain and ate at Ollie's for Jewish Christmas... all 3 were good but somewhat of a disappointment. My expectations are always too high. And Ollie's has the strangest system for their waiting list. They give out numbers, but they distribute them all out of order. My friend and I were 100... before me was 58, then 76, 81, 27... to ensure that this system works, they must be much smarter than me, or much much dumber.

Made a mix for my friend Tommy... the following is a track list, with selected liner notes:

1) “Happy Together” – The Turtles: Tommy and I have had conversations about the greatest pop song. He says it’s “California Dreamin’,” I say it’s this. Such a simple concept, simple structure, simple lyrics, but the chorus explodes, and I catch deeper layers of instrumentation with each listen. Plus, it just makes me smile.
2) “You Don’t Have To Mean It” – The Rolling Stones: I may be crazy, since my favorite Stones song is from the 90s and sung by Keith Richards. This also sounds nothing like typical Stones. But I love the calypso feel of it, and Keith’s voice sounds surprisingly sweet; Mick couldn’t pull off a song like this.
3) “Down the Road” – Mickey Hart
4) “Life on Mars” – David Bowie
5) “Tears in the Morning – The Beach Boys
6) “Eli’s Coming” – Three Dog Night
7) “Can’t Cry These Tears” – Garbage
8) “Something About You” – Level 42
9) “At My Most Beautiful” – REM: Another dulcet love song with great harmonies and orchestration. It’s like Michael Stipe’s best attempt to mirror the music of Pet Sounds. And he came close.
10) “Father & Son” – Cat Stevens: This song constantly sits in the shadow of “Cat’s in the Cradle,” but I think it’s far superior. The last verse is heartbreaking, with the son singing about leaving as the father cries out “Stay” in the background.
11) “Impossible” – Charlatans UK
12) “Please Please Let Me Get What I Want (Instrumental)” – Dream Academy: For the longest time, I didn’t know this song had lyrics. Then I didn’t know it was a cover. Having learned all of this, I still think this is the best version. It manages to convey all the necessary emotion without words. Or maybe I just keep picturing Cameron in the Art Institute of Chicago. Either way…
13) “Time” – Pink Floyd: Am I too young for these words to have such a strong effect on me? Probably… damn this Peter Pan syndrome!
14) “Don’t Change Your Plans” – Ben Folds Five
15) “Wonderful” – Stone Temple Pilots: Although they started out as rockers, STP was great at writing ballads. I love the line “You’re the wonder in everything that’s wonderful.”
16) “Obsession” – Animotion
17) “Labour of Love” – Frente
18) “My Way” – Elvis Presley: Beyond the pelvis, the acting, the army, the “fat vs. thin” argument… Elvis simply had the best male voice in rock history. This cover proves it.
19) “Money” – Zebrahead: Zebrahead is not a great band by any stretch of the imagination, but they write catchy songs with clever lyrics and don’t take themselves too seriously. Additional points for the GnR reference at the end.

Last night I watched the DVD of Roger Waters performing "The Wall" live in Berlin in 1990, 8 months after the fall of the Berlin Wall. The sheer size and spectacle of the show boggles the mind. I think it was 400,000 people in the audience, a cast of hundreds, a symphony conducted by Michael Kamen (who also led for Metallica's "S&M" shows), and guest appearances by Cyndi Lauper ("Another Brick in the Wall, Part 2"), Bryan Adams ("Young Lust"), Joni Mitchell ("Goodbye Blue Sky"), Paul Carrack ("Hey You"), Van Morrison ("Comfortably Numb"), Sinead O'Conner ("Mother"), and appearances by The Band, The Scorpions, Albert Finney, Jerry Hall, Thomas Dolby, Marianne Faithful, Tim Curry, and some others I'm sure I'm forgetting. The show included the construction of a wall that I think they said was 35x100 meters, although the staging was somewhat bizarre... almost half an hour of the concert took place behind the fully-constructed wall, and though cameras were behind it to show the band on the DVD, I'm sure it pissed the hell out of the live audience. The documentary was amusing too, as Roger and company talked about how the power cut out twice during "Mother," causing Sinead to panic (I noticed that while watching the show... she looks totally uncomfortable when she's singing), and they rip on her for her lack of professionalism. Check it out if you're a big Floyd fan, although it certainly doesn't compare to listening to the original CD.

Wow, Edward Scissorhands has really let himself go...

I've done it! One of the greatest upsets in the history of fantasy football! My mediocre 9-5 Brian GrieseMonkeys ripped the heart out of the mighty 12-2 Charlie Batchelors to win the Super Bowl in my fantasy football league. The game was a blowout of epic proportions. This not only makes up for his regular-season sweep against me, but also eases the pain of his cruising through my fantasy baseball league earlier this year. His evil reign of terror is over! Happy Hanukkah indeed!

I spent yesterday evening at a sports bar with the Batchelors coach and another guy from our league. I was the first to get there, and arrived just in time to hear the cheers erupting from inside in response to the Saints' improbably triple-lateral TD with time expired. A crazier play, I've never seen. And yet as John Carney, one of the most dependable kickers of my generation, shanked the extra point, I couldn't help but smile. I love seeing emotions turn on a dime like that. Which is probably why I'll be going to Hell. I'm sure Carney will be there waiting for me... he's a dead man if he ever sets foot in New Orleans again. Steve Barman who? (Oh, and anyone who would pay $106,000 for that ball is insane... INSANE!)

From IMDB.com today:

Jessica Simpson & Nick Lachey Plan Duets Album
Celebrity couple Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey are planning to record a duets album next year. But Irresistible singer Jessica - who stars alongside her husband in TV hit Newlyweds: Nick And Jessica - is keen to avoid a "cheesy" album. She says, "We're talking about remaking great seventies, eighties hits. Definitely a romantic album. We wouldn't want it to be cheesy. So we'd have to spend a while and pick the right material. We're not going to do 'I Got You Babe,' because that's what people's 'clever ideas' are. 'Oh, you should do Sonny And Cher.' We're just like, 'No, if we're going to do something together, it has to be clever.' We want to remake some stuff and also do original stuff."

In related news, with 12 days left in 2003, "Last Stop: This Town" boldly names Nick & Jessica's classic CD of duets the Worst Album of 2004.

My time at my job is running short... only 4 more working days. I should make a list of all the things I will miss about it. But instead, I think I'll list all the things that bother me about it... so here goes...
1) Working in Times Square. Tourists coming to Manhattan (and especially into Times Square) should be tutored on how to walk. Simple rules such as: walk quickly; at crosswalks, all signals mean "go;" if in a group, walk single file instead of side-by-side so you don't take up the entire sidewalk; stay the hell out of my way.
2) The girls in my pit. You have to be here to understand.
3) That Gamecube commercial with the guy dressed as Link from "Zelda" standing on the sidewalk and screaming. It's awful the first time... when MTV plays it during EVERY COMMERCIAL BREAK, I feel like starting a conversation with my pitmates just to distract me from it.
4) The fact that I can't wear my Skidz to work without being the subject of ridicule.
5) The crappy music. People may complain that MTV never shows videos anymore, but those people don't hear Clay Aiken's "Invisible" 8 times before noon. Personally, I'd rather he be mute than invisible.
I'm gonna miss this place... sigh...

The Olsen twins are going to NYU... let my stalking begin...

Tommy sent me to this site... I scored 59.66184% - Mega Music Nerd. Not as high as I had expected, but decent considering my age. He scored 77.53623% - Hardcore Music Nerd. I bow down to him.

I'll start off with my thoughts on the 2004 Golden Globe nominations. I haven't seen a bunch of major movies yet (Cold Mountain, the new Lord of the Rings, Big Fish, Last Samurai), so I can't give completely educated responses. However...
- 21 Grams should've been nominated for Best Drama, and Benicio Del Toro, who is sooooooooo good in it, should've gotten a Supporting Actor nod.
- Jeff Bridges was more deserving of a nomination in Seabiscuit than William H. Macy.
- I'm fairly sure City of God is eligible in all categories other than Best Foreign Film (I know it is for the Oscars), so it should've gotten a nom for Best Picture.
- Maria Bello was okay in The Cooler, but certainly not as good as Alison Lohman in Matchstick Men. Impossible to believe that she's actually 24 years old!
- On that note, why do the women only get 5 Supporting Actress in a Film nominations while the men get 6? With the extra slot, Lohman could've gotten in, or Catherine O'Hara from A Mighty Wind. Eugene Levy should've gotten one for that movie too.
- Hurray for Best TV Comedy nominations for The Office and Arrested Development! I'll be so excited if either of them win, but I'm rooting for The Office.
- What is everyone's continuing obsession with Megan Mullally and (particularly) Sean Hayes from Will & Grace? They are two of the most annoying characters on tv!
I'll give better predictions / opinions on the eve of the awards.

Looking for a diet that's sure to work? Check out this site... you may never eat fast food again!

Finally, I'm really pissed I didn't go to David Bowie's concert at MSG Monday night. The Times, Post, Daily News, and Daily Variety all raved about it. At least I can say I didn't provide any money to Macy "No Talent Crack-Fiend" Gray. Regardless, I'm glad Bowie is still doing so well, and hopefully I'll catch him the next time he comes around.

Update: Believe it or not, UPS still sucks. My package was not delivered to my office yesterday. Nor was it delivered to my apartment. I tracked the shipment this morning, and it said a delivery attempt was made yesterday. Odd, since our mailroom is open all day. So I check the delivery address to make sure they changed it. Not only is my work address not there, but now they have my incorrect home address! I have just called them to again give my work address. New delivery date: Thursday (tomorrow). Will it be here tomorrow? I'd be tempted to put more money on From Justin To Kelly sweeping the Oscars. Well, maybe not.

Speaking of bad movies, I saw a doozy last night. A sneak preview of The Prince and Me, starring Julia Stiles. In this unique tale, a prince travels to the "heartland of America" to experience real life and meets a girl who doesn't know he's a prince. They fall in love, but when she finds out the truth... there's trouble! Oh man, does this movie blow. Blow blow blow! They should've made it The Artist Formerly Known as Prince and Me, about a midget named Prince who dresses in purple. He goes to the "heartland of America" but changes his name to a symbol so people don't know who he is. He falls in love with a girl, but when she finds out the truth... there's trouble! Now that's a movie.

Time once again for our favorite game: Why UPS Sucks My Ass (And Not In a Good Way). I received an Info Notice yesterday. Having learned a thing or two from the past incident (or so I thought), I called to immediately change the delivery address, since I will be at work each time UPS tries to deliver the package. An automated message says that you can do that online rather than hold for an operator. Trusting UPS, I go to their website and enter the tracking number... and get an error message stating they have no info on that package. So I call UPS back, enter my info number, and wait for an operator, only to have him tell me he has no info on that tracking number. We attempt to search using an alternate approach. By last name, I'm sure you're thinking. Nope, they can't search by last name... they search by address. Fair enough. I give them my address... no info. The operator says that he will leave a message telling the deliveryman to change the address to my office. Where exactly he will leave this message, since apparently my package is a ghost in the system, I do not know. But I can almost guarantee another Info Notice waiting for me when I go home tonight.

I finally started watching all of the I Love the 80s Strikes Back that have been sitting in my DVR (one of the greatest inventions of my lifetime). This series is not nearly as good as the original, with the exception of Henry Rollins. VH1 (or some other channel) should give him his own series in which they just let him talk about stuff. He's hilarious! On Gloworms: "I don't care about them unless they dispense $100 bills." On the song "Don't Worry, Be Happy": "Don't you tell me what to do... I'll punch you in the fucking face!" Tommy actually e-mails with him. If I had access to Henry Rollins, I would talk to him non-stop. He rules.

Another Sunday night, another terrible episode of The Simpsons. Parody of the California Raisins? What year is this? If yesterday were 1988, that may have been funny... but I doubt it. My obligation to keep watching this crap is shrinking every episode...

Saw The Two Towers: Extended Edition at Loews 42nd St. on Friday night. It is long. Very long. But good. And long. Michael Moore sat 6 seats down from me. I purposely stepped on his foot on my way out. Take that, ya fat fuck! (Amazingly, I liked Bowling for Columbine, and bought a "Stupid White Men" boxed calendar... after almost a year of his daily blabbering, I can't stand the man... funny how my mind works)

Exhausted after last night's holiday party... people are walking through the halls today looking like the zombies from Night of the Living Dead.

I'm seeing the extended version of Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers tonight. I definitely did not plan this well... sitting through a 4-hour movie is not ideal when running very little sleep.

Another fascinating music link. I'd love to get my hands on the Joe Pesci song. And the 49ers singing "Winter Wonderland." I remember enjoying "The Superbowl Shuffle" song and video when they first came out. Having seen the video recently, I can now say that it is one of the worst things ever created by man. Watching the Bears dance is painful. The steps were as follows:
1) Lean on left foot
2) Clap
3) Lean on right foot
4) Clap
5) Repeat
And they couldn't get that right. Also, apparently Walter Payton and Jim McMahon were too high and mighty to appear with their teammates, as their scenes were done in front of the worst blue-screen since the scene with the Firey puppets in Labyrinth. Although it did lead to one of the funniest skits in Saturday Night Live history: the foreign NFL players singing "We Are Kickers" ("we are kickers, we kick ball, we play with ball, we kick the ball").

MTV holiday party tonight. Hopefully I'll have some good gossip to spill tomorrow.

What a morning... I get soaked in the rain on my way to work, only to turn on my computer and see this. Could things get worse?

Does this make me laugh or make me sick? I can't tell yet. But it does make me yearn for "Chinese Democracy." I really shouldn't be a GnR fan anymore, given the shit they put me through when I went to see them in Philly just over a year ago. But I can't stay mad at Axl, as long as he can still do the snake dance. (by the way, does anyone else think he sounds uncannily like Janis Joplin at the end of "My Michelle"?)

Big Fish opens in NY today. I have such high expectations for it, but reviews have been mixed so far. Tim Burton was once my favorite director of all time... Pee-Wee's Big Adventure, Beetlejuice, Batman, Edward Scissorhands, Batman Returns... what an incredible string of films. I have seen Beetlejuice more than any other film; I remember one Christmas break during elementary school when I watched it every day for 2 weeks straight. I have chilled a bit on his more recent output, such as Mars Attacks, Planet of the Apes, and Sleepy Hollow, but I hope that he returns to form now. So many buzzworthy films have disappointed me lately; it'd be nice to actually enjoy Big Fish as much as I'm expecting to.

So people in Jersey are hunting bears? Personally, I'm with the protestors on this one... leave the bears alone. There's no need to shoot them. Maybe they could just create a Bear Patrol... or at least watch that episode of The Simpsons this great exchange:

[A full-force Bear Patrol is on watch. Homer watches proudly]
Homer: Not a bear in sight. The Bear Patrol must be working like a charm.
Lisa: That's specious reasoning, Dad.
Homer: Thank you, dear.
Lisa: By your logic I could claim that this rock keeps tigers away.
Homer: How does it work?
Lisa: It doesn't work.
Homer: Uh-huh.
Lisa: It's just a stupid rock.
Homer: Uh-huh.
Lisa: But I don't see any tigers around, do you?
[Homer thinks of this, then pulls out some money]
Homer: Lisa, I want to buy your rock.
[Lisa refuses at first, then takes the exchange]
[The mail arrives]
Homer: Woo-hoo! A perfect day. Zero bears and one big fat hairy paycheck.
[opens it up]
Homer: Hey! How come my pay is so low? ... Bear patrol tax! This is an outrage! It's the biggest tax increase in history!
Lisa: Actually, Dad, it's the smallest tax increase in history.
Homer: Let the bears pay the bear tax. I pay the Homer tax.
Lisa: That's home-owner tax.
Homer: Well, anyway, I'm still outraged.

Classic!

Apparently today would have been Jim Morrison's 60th birthday. I'm not that big a fan of the Doors, but they have grown on me over the years. And I love the fact that Mr. Mojo Risin' is an anagram for Jim Morrison. That's genius. It's also hilarious to listen to Ray Manzarek give an interview. He mentions Jim Morrison about every 7 or 8 words. I noticed this when he was on Rockline last April, and it cracks me up. (Note - this is not an endorsement of Rockline... in fact, quite the opposite. Bob Coburn may be the most pretentious suck-ass to ever have a nationally syndicated radio show. He's like the radio equivalent to James Lipton. What a dick.)

My favorite show currently on tv (now that The Office is out of new episodes) is Arrested Development. If you are not watching this show, WATCH IT OR I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN! The writing, pacing, and acting are all so sharp. It hasn't been doing very well ratings-wise, but Fox renewed it for a full season anyway based on the critical acclaim. Fortunately, the ratings have been slowly creeping up, so I hope that means it's starting to catch on. Otherwise it'll turn into another great show cancelled before its time (see Freaks and Geeks, Undeclared, The Job, and Andy Richter Controls the Universe).

Went to see Simon and Garfunkel at the Garden last night. The show had gotten almost universally good reviews until the Times panned Tuesday's show, so I wasn't sure what to expect. Thankfully, they must have stepped it up a notch for their last NYC show, because they sounded great. Especially Garfunkel; his voice is outstanding and still easily reaches the high notes. It's a good thing that God gave him such a voice, because otherwise he is one of the gawkiest men to ever exist. He wore his trademark blue jeans, blue denim shirt, and black vest, which I believe he has been donning for at least 20 years. But it works, because the vest mirrors his hairstyle: lots in the back, some on the sides, nothing up front (I wonder what he even says to his barber when he goes for a haircut... what could he possibly say to lead to that style?). The chemistry wasn't great... Simon almost never looked in Garfunkel's direction, and at times you could almost see the loathing emanate from him. But luckily it didn't affect the sound. And the brief 4-song appearance by the Everly Brothers was fantastic too, but I wish they had played "Cathy's Clown," especially since S&G had their own Kathy for a muse.

Before the show I made the mistake of going to Popeyes for dinner. Popeyes must be a magnet for retards (excluding myself, of course). The woman in front of me ordered the 2-piece meal. She asks for a breast & thigh. The cashier explains that one can only get a breast & wing or thigh and leg. Customer says, "Oh, okay, then I'll have it with a breast & thigh." Cashier once again explains that she cannot have that particular combination. A second cashier comes over and says it can only be either all white meat or all dark meat. The customer says, "Yeah, so gimme a breast and a thigh." JESUS CHRIST! Also of note, Popeyes' paper placemats have a description of their rice which reads "Of course Popeyes serves this! It's also known as 'dirty rice.'" For a restaurant chain whose sanitary conditions are poor at best, they should not be bragging about the fact that one of their side dishes is known as "dirty."

As for the Yankees acquiring Vacquez from the Expos, I'm excited to add him to the pitching staff, but am greatly disappointed that they cut the chord on Nick Johnson. I could see him moving up the chain to become a franchise Yankee, much like Jeter or Bernie, but the Yankees have no patience for player maturity anymore. And who will back up Gimpy Giambi at first when his knees flair up? I would have rather traded Giambi to the Dodgers for Kevin Brown, or putting Soriano in the Vazquez deal. At least I think that Johnson will produce bigtime in the middle of the Expos line-up. I hope he does.

Let's end on a positive note... this link is really funny... and borderline racist, which makes it that much better...

Freakin' cold outside today...

There's this new website, WantedList, that is an online adult DVD rental company. It plans to model itself after Netflix, which I have been a proud member of for over 2 years. Netflix has been hugely successful, and I figure that WantedList will be, too. You make a list of porno movies you'd like to rent, pay like $15 a month, they send you 2 movies on your list, you watch them, and when you're done with one, send it back in the prepaid envelope, and they will send you another movie. (there is an additional step that takes place during the "watch" portion for the WantedList films, but I have excluded it) I'm sure that the biggest hindrance in the porn rental industry is the embarrassment factor. Take that away by making it anonymous, and WantedList should follow Netflix all the way to the bank. It may even be more profitable, given the money it'll save without the need for adhesive on the envelopes...

I'm feeling very old today... went to see Zebrahead at the Knitting Factory last night, and was almost definitely the oldest person in the crowd (so many 17-year-old hoochies). Plus my left ear hasn't popped yet from my flight on Sunday night, so there is a constant ringing in it. I guess life does go downhill after 23...

As for the Zebrahead concert, I feel bad that, even though they never really reached a point they could call "success," they seem to be losing fans instead of gaining them. I first saw them 4 years ago, and they played to at least 1,000 people. Last night there were around 150, maybe 200. Definitely more people showed up to hear Lucky Boys Confusion, the opening act. Zebrahead isn't a polished band of quality musicians, but they write catchy songs with clever lyrics and have fun onstage. I hope they do manage to break through at some point. If Good Charlotte, Simple Plan, New Found Glory, etc. all can make it, then Zebrahead certainly should too, since they put those other bands to shame.

Since I'm on the topic of music, I should post my reaction to the full Rolling Stone Top 500 Albums issue... I know I touched on this briefly, but there is much more to be said. Too much to deal with right now, in fact. But I'll get to it in the next few days...

Back in action after a few days in Florida for Thanksgiving. To catch up, I've decided to steal a page out of TV Guide and do a Cheers & Jeers section. Here goes...

Jeers to airline travel. Tuesday night I get to LaGuardia for a 7:45pm flight on American down to Ft. Lauderdale. But apparently the plane coming in from Nashville had to circle because of "air traffic" and ran out of gas, causing it to land at Kennedy to refuel. It then couldn't take off because of more "air traffic," and when it finally did, it couldn't land because another flight had taken over our gate. We ended up being 2 1/2 hours late. "Air traffic" is the biggest crock of shit. Flights are scheduled so that each one has a specific slot. How ATC can suddenly be overwhelmed with traffic is beyond comprehension. And the fact that the plane from Nashville was given just enough fuel to cover the short trip to New York (and none extra) is not too comforting. Way to start my vacation off poorly.

Cheers to my grandmother for telling a story and using the phrase "shot his wad," then realizing the inappropriateness of it and trying to correct herself by saying "shot his load," as if that's any better. Sometimes my grandma can make me laugh harder than anyone. That was one of those times.

Jeers to my grandmother for freaking out when a waitress brought her a refill on her Diet Coke without asking first. "What's this? I didn't order this!" she shrieked. Why do senior citizens become so ornery?

Cheers to two of my friends who freaked out that they are now too old to attend a live taping of TRL. At 25 and 26, they are just past the 18-24 cutoff. But I'm glad that they enjoy MTV so much as to care. Plus it lets me make fun of them for being old.

Jeers to the Red Sox for landing Curt Schilling. And to the Diamondbacks for asking for two of the Yankees' best young players (Johnson and Soriano) and taking scrubs from the Sox (Fossum and Lyon). Schilling now joins my list of "Do Not Draft" players for next year's fantasy league. I still don't think the Sox will win the Series anytime in the near future, though.

Cheers to Schilling's quote - "I guess I hate the Yankees now." That's some strong, energetic emotion he's got going. Way to motivate yourself.

Jeers to Song airline. This is the second time I've flown them, and the second time I've been disappointed. They're never on-time, their seats are ugly (lime green leather?), and although they've been operating for months, they have yet to install the music players into their planes from which they got the name "Song." Oh, and it was great having the stewardess give the following speech to me and my fellow exit-row passengers: "Since y'all are in an exit row, I need to go over something with you. I need to make sure you follow procedure correctly. We did have an emergency recently, and someone in charge of the door simply jumped out the window. Please make sure you follow the correct procedure." (At this point, somebody starts laughing) "You think it's funny, but it's not. What y'all need to do is... ah, whatever." (She walks away without detailing the correct procedure) I don't know which is worse... the fact that she didn't tell us what to do, or the fact that Song has had an emergency that utilized the emergency exits recently. Way to end my vacation poorly.

All in all, it was good to get out of Manhattan for a few days and spend time with the family. And I can't believe it's already December. Where has this year gone?

My friend Marc sent me this link... you know, some people get exactly what they deserve.

I'm leaving for Florida tonight to spend Thanksgiving with the family. Will be nice to get out of the city for a few days and spend time with them, but it just doesn't seem right for it to be 80 degrees at the end of November...

While buying lunch, the guy ahead of me paid his $6.30 in quarters... and the retard kept losing count and having to start over... what a douche. If only my knife hadn't been made out of plastic... and if only I had the guts to back up statements like that...

Oh boy, lots to complain about today...

Once again, the subways are the bane of my existence... trying to get to Brooklyn on Saturday night, need to take the L to Bedford, but of course the L isn't running over the weekend. Signs say that a shuttle bus will make all L stops. Wait for a shuttle bus, finally get one, it takes forever to make its way east, then drops everyone off at the brown JMZ line. People complain that the bus is supposed to be making L stops in Brooklyn, but the driver just keeps repeating "Take train to Brooklyn." Get on a J, even though I've never ridden that line before and have no idea where it drops me. Through some stroke of luck I run into a friend on his way to the same party right after I get off the train, and am good to go. After almost a 2-hour trip, that is. On the way home, I take the J again, and get somewhat excited that I can take it to Broadway-Fulton and transfer to a 2 or 3 to take me uptown. Wrong again, as for some reason the J stops at Chambers. "End of the line." Only train to transfer to is the 4, which goes up the east side. I consider taking it to Grand Central to take the shuttle across to Times Square and then grabbing a 2/3, but then remember that of course the shuttle doesn't run late at night. So I take the 4 up to 77th and then have to cab it through the park. Another hour and a half worth of travel. Fucking MTA...

I should have probably done this already, but I think I'm officially done with ER. (Spoiler alert!!!) They killed off Dr. Romano. A helicopter fell on him. Reread that last sentence. A HELICOPTER FELL ON HIM!!! This is the same character who lost his arm in a helicopter accident only 14 months ago! Even Wile E. Coyote isn't that unlucky. Romano's insults were the saving grace on the show for the past few years. What a great character. What will they do to fill the void? I won't be watching to find out.

Went to scout talent at a comedy show at Above Kleptomania on Friday night. That would be the comedy club sitting atop a peep show on 8th Ave. Sketchy to begin with, so I had my doubts about the quality of the show. First act, a sketch comedy group called Skeeger. Not very good, but one or two good moments. Second group was The Josh & Tamra Show, which was the reason we went. Improv puppet show. Actually very funny. Good enough to merit a link to their site. Third group, Undercover Burnout. So bad that for the last 20 minutes (of about a 22-minute show) I just kept thinking that I should take the gum I was chewing at stick it in the hair of the girl sitting next to me, since that would be so much more entertaining than what was happening onstage. Then, as we were leaving, the 3 girls I'm with want to check out a peep show, so we wander in, they being totally oblivious to the fact that the rooms hold one person and clueless as to what's going on behind the closed doors. I managed to herd them out without removing my hands from my jacket pockets.

I'll close with one more subway story... on my way out to Brooklyn, I see a mother with a little girl in a stroller. The girl is flipping through an issue of BuenHogar magazine (all my years of high-school Spanish lead me to believe that the title translates to "Good Fireplace," but that can't be right). I can't translate a lot of what's on the cover, but I do see the word "SEXO." Now this girl may not be able to read yet, but should she really be looking at magazines like that? Whatever happened to Highlights? And why do parents think that their parental responsibilities don't exist on the subway? A couple weeks ago I stared as a mother watched her 6-year-old daughter licking a pole on the subway! Does she want her child to get polio? This city never ceases to amaze me...

Earlier this week, the 8 finalists for the World Trade Center Site Memorial Competition were announced. I'm not wild about any of them, but if I had to choose a favorite, I'd go with Lower Waters. Still, am I the only person who thinks that such a memorial is unnecessary? Yes, we should have something that commemorates the lives of those who died in the September 11 attacks. But these designs are gratuitously ornate. The city, which is in the midst of a huge budget deficit, should not be spending millions and millions of dollars constructing such elaborate sites, when the money could be used for much greater good. I would guess that families of the victims would, if asked, prefer that we spend money to help the homeless, boost education, or pay for more police and sanitation, instead of on 2,982 spotlights in a garden (as suggested by Garden of Lights). The WTC attack was a tragedy, and we should never forget those we have lost. But I don't think that we need this type of memorial to preserve their memory, especially when we can put that money to much more important use.

Ah, the tears of a clown...

All I have to say is: this is genius!

In this interview, Blink 182 claim that they almost named their newest album "Our Pet Sounds," but ultimately common sense took over and they rejected it. This story does make me happy, though, in that a modern band like Blink has appreciation for the Beach Boys classic, which has been losing its luster in the music community for years. As opposed to the consistent popularity of the Beatles, the Beach Boys legacy has been tarnished by the buffoonery of Mike Love and lawsuits among the different touring groups claiming the Beach Boys name. Although it used to fight tooth and nail with "Sgt. Pepper" over the title of greatest album of all time, it's status has taken a beating. VH1's countdown in 2001 of the Top 100 Albums had "Pet Sounds" at #3, behind "Revolver" and "Nevermind" (!). Too many people now write the Beach Boys off as fluff, and aside from "Pet Sounds," the rest of their catalog is virtually ignored. Fortunately, there have been some encouraging signs of late. Rolling Stone's new issue on the 500 Greatest Albums has "Pet Sounds" at #2 (behind "Sgt. Pepper"), and many artists, including Scott Weiland, Sean Lennon, and Paul McCartney (perhaps the biggest "Pet Sounds" advocate there is) continue to praise the album in interviews. Also, Brian Wilson has been touring and playing the album in its entirety, to rave reviews. While I don't think that average Blink fans would go out and buy "Pet Sounds" after reading that interview, I can hope that they do. Not just for the sake of the legacy, but for the listener. "Pet Sounds" is beautiful music. Everyone should listen to it.

* Note - in my mind, "Sgt. Pepper" isn't the best Beatles album. Although it's terrific, no album with "When I'm Sixty-Four" and "Good Morning, Good Morning" could be considered the best anything. "Abbey Road," "The Beatles" (aka "The White Album"), and "Revolver" are all superior.

So a warrant is out for Michael Jackson. Another alleged child molestation charge. And here were are, on the 10th anniversary of his first one. This is a very poor way of drumming up interest for his upcoming album, at least in my opinion. Or maybe the 70+ police officers just wanted an excuse to spend a day at Neverland Ranch. I can picture them riding the Ferris Wheel, ramming each other with bumper cars, eating cotton candy, all while “searching for clues.” What a sham. Anyway, should be interesting to see how this plays out, especially since he has had some financial difficulties over the past few years and may not be able to afford another $20 million settlement.

On the subject of music (and inappropriateness), I watched Pumping Iron for the first time over the weekend. Has there ever been a worse mismatch in terms of a film’s themesong? If you haven’t heard this classic folk ditty by Michael Small, give it a listen. You don’t have to see the movie to know that it just doesn’t fit. What were they thinking?

One final musical note (no pun intended)… what has happened to regular albums? It seems like everything released these days is a greatest hits or compilation. Off the top of my head, I can think of No Doubt, Michael Jackson, Red Hot Chili Peppers, Stone Temple Pilots, J-Lo (by the way, the words “J-Lo” and “greatest hits” don’t deserve to be anywhere near each other… even separately, “J-Lo” with “greatest” or “hits” should be banned), REM, Madonna, Sheryl Crow, Pearl Jam, David Bowie, and Bruce Springsteen all putting these out recently. At least these artists have enough material to merit such collections… remember when Fine Young Cannibals put out “Finest” after only 2 albums and 4 top-40 singles? Yeah, didn’t think so… Regardless, this online music debacle sure has ruined the concept of albums. Now people only care about singles. Think we’ll ever get another “Dark Side of the Moon,” “Tommy,” or “Pet Sounds”? The only band that comes to mind in terms of cohesive albums is Radiohead, and I haven’t been able to listen to their last three releases. Not that there’s anything wrong with a lifetime of VH1 Classic and Q104.3...

For those of you who haven't been able to watch the Paris tape, check out this link to amuse yourself. Sure, you can't really masturbate to it (at least I hope you can't), but it's definitely worth a look.

I’ve been holding off on ranting about the downfall of The Simpsons for quite some time now. But after watching this Sunday’s episode (and some prodding by my friend Gabe), I can’t bite my tongue anymore. What the hell has happened to my favorite show? It’s brutal! Having an entire episode parody Evita is so out-of-touch with its audience, I don’t even know where to begin. The writers spent so much time incorporating the Simpson universe into the story of Eva Peron that they forgot to write any jokes. In the 3 episodes so far this season, I have laughed ONE TIME… during the final “Treehouse of Horror” segment, when Homer is trying to eat the donuts that keep disappearing. That’s one laugh over three episodes. A Minute with Stan Hooper has a better track record than that!
Over the past few seasons, I have noticed many things wrong with The Simpsons. Here are some suggestions on how to fix them. (Note - for more info on episodes that I reference, please check the best and most comprehensive website ever, The Simpsons Archive)
1) Eliminate shows in which each segment is its own storyline. This includes the annual Halloween episodes and inserting the Simpsons into old stories (see “Tales from the Public Domain” and “Simpsons Tall Tales”). Parodies should fit naturally into original storylines; if the writers do this too often, it means they are out of ideas.
2) As an offshoot of this, keep the Simpsons in Springfield. Except for the New York episode, it is murder when they leave their environment.(see “Simpson Safari” and “Blame It On Lisa”).
3) Yet another offshoot of this is to keep the Simpsons grounded in reality. Yes, it’s a cartoon, and this allows the show to do things that other sitcoms cannot. But recently the show has taken storylines to ridiculous levels (see “The Computer Wore Menace Shoes” and “The Frying Game”).
4) There is no need for celebrity voices in every episode. Also, celebrity voices usually work better when they do not play themselves (exceptions do occur, particularly when celebrities present awards, and often musicians can override this, but not always). Danny DeVito as Herb… great. David Byrne as himself (“Dude, Where’s My Ranch?”)… not great. Donald Sutherland as Hollis Hurlbut (“Lisa the Iconoclast”)… great. Butch Patrick as himself (“Eight Misbehavin’”)… not great. And Michael Moore on this week’s episode was so completely pointless as to not even merit a comment.
5) Stop solidifying scenarios that have been hinted at for year. For example, the relationship between Lenny and Karl. It was somewhat funny and bizarre that they spent so much time together. Now they seem to me making it a full-blown homosexual relationship. Mind you, I have no problem with homosexual relationships. But it was better left unsaid. Oh, and naming them Karl Karlson and Lenny Leonard is just plain dumb.
6) Ease up on the jokes about genitals.
7) Ease up on injuring Homer.
8) Basically, simplify! Get back to basics!
Regardless of my problems with the show, I will continue to watch The Simpsons every week. Their years of incredible episodes have earned my loyalty. To commemorate the 300th episode, this website gave 300 reasons to love The Simpsons (note that almost every one is from the first 10 seasons). I could easily make it 3,000. I recently watched Season 3 on DVD, and every episode is terrific, even though the show had not yet reached its pinnacle. But I no longer consider it the best show on tv… that would be The Office. Nor is it the best animated show on tv… that would be South Park (for comparison’s sake, watch South Park’s parody of The Simpsons in “The Simpsons Already Did It” vs. The Simpson’s parody of South Park in “The Bart of War” – that alone should convince you).
I fear that the image of The Simpsons has been permanently damaged. I hope they can turn it around before the end.

What is up with Roger Ebert lately? He has given a "thumbs up" the last 13 films he's reviewed (meaning at least 3 stars on a 4-star scale). I have not seen all 13 of these films, so I cannot judge all of them. But I have seen Elf, The Singing Detective, and Matrix Revolutions, all of which he gave 3 stars. Elf was okay; I wouldn't have given 3, but I'll give Ebert the benefit of the doubt. The Singing Detective was a garbled mess, redeemed only be good performances by Robert Downey Jr. and Mel Gibson. And if you scroll down a few days, you'll see my thoughts on the worst movie of the new millenium, Matrix Revolutions. If you read his review, he says that he didn't even really like or understand the movie. I think that maybe Ebert's body may have reached its saturation point for fat, which is now making its way to his brain and causing a short-circuit (much like in the episode of The Simpsons where Apu gets fired and lives with the Simpson family... and after Homer compliments Apu's cooking of vegetables, which supposedly clear the cholesterol out his heart, we see the cholesterol travel from his heart to his brain, causing Homer to remark "Uh, Apu me friend good."). Maybe I should try another reviewer... but they're all so damn ugly...

AL MVP award is announced today, and if it's not A-rod, Frank Thomas, or Carlos Delgado because none of their teams made the playoffs, expect some fireworks from me in my next post...

Last night I went to the Lion's Den for a Decent Xposure show. Decent Xposure attempts to, well, give exposure to unsigned bands. The show overall was pretty good, but I since I have this page, I may as well give props to my favorite band of the night, The Low Life. Check out their site for info and sound clips...

Wow, another sad day. Drummer Tony Thompson, only 48, has passed away. I can say that I wasn't a very big fan of Chic (or disco music in general), although it's hard to dislike "Good Times" (at the very least because it led to "Rapper's Delight" and "Another One Bites the Dust"). But I was a fan (in a very guilty pleasure sort of way) of Power Station, at least of their 80's album, which I still have on vinyl. And I couldn't deny his talent. And now I'm scared, because half of the supergroup has died in less than two months (Robert Palmer, who from what I've read and heard was one of the nicest, most genuine people in the industry, died on September 26). That leaves the two Taylors, who are in the midst of a surprisingly powerful Duran Duran reunion. This curse must end here. I know that bad things happen in threes. Let's hope that this case is an exception. And Tony Thompson, you will be missed (as will Robert Palmer... I would have given you your proper due had my blog existed back in September).

Went to a Troma party at Planet Hollywood last night. Well, it wasn't really a "Troma party," but it was a party that Troma helped sponsor, and featured a Toxie, a Sgt. Kabukiman NYPD, and Tromettes. And lots of booze. And Lloyd Kaufman filming DVD intros. All the basic ingredients of a Troma party. I worked at Troma for almost a year. When I first got the job, I couldn't have been more thrilled to be a part of the company responsible for Killer Condom and Chopper Chicks in Zombietown. But the shine rubs off very quickly, especially when as the biggest person in the office you are forced to wear the Toxic Avenger outfit, featuring heavy latex mask with one eyehole that doesn't line up with your eye and no nose or mouth holes. At least naked women were always willing to frolic with Toxie. And I must give Lloyd credit. For all of the shit, he still manages to crank out lots of product, with various degrees of success, through incredible guerilla tactics. It was quite remarkable watching him recruit the hottest women at the party to jump and jiggle for the camera. Troma has been going strong for 30 years. It's the cockroach of the movie industry, and will probably be around long after the other studios have been decimated. More power to them. I just will never work there again.

One more thing... Today at 5:30pm, author Nick Hornby will be at the Wall Street Borders to read from "Songbook," his collection of essays about his favorite music. Anyone who's ever read any Hornby (or seen either High Fidelity or About a Boy) should be keenly aware that this guy KNOWS his music. My friend Tommy gave me this book as a birthday present, and it's incredible. Even if you aren't familiar with some of the songs, his passion about them is infectious and extremely entertaining, and I'm sure that the passion will only intensify in person. Should be a great talk. I wish I could go.

P.S. Tommy also KNOWS his music, and often writes about it in his blog. Check it out, won't you?

Very windy NYC morning... the MTV building is swaying and creaking non-stop... more than a little creepy. Supposed to get cold today... and those 40 mph winds sure won't help. Doesn't bother me, though. Everyone thinks I'm crazy when I tell them I like the cold, seeing as how I'm from Florida. But after growing up with 18 years of heat and non-seasons, the cold is a welcome change. Mother Earth, bring it on, biyatch!

Is it illegal to shoot pigeons with an air rifle? Animal cruelty? I really need to look into this, because I'm reaching my breaking point. Normally I have no problem with pigeons, but I have a major problem with the ones that sit on the ledge outside my bedroom window and coo every morning at like 7am. Every freakin' morning. And I either have to try to ignore them (impossible) or drag myself out of bed and rattle the window to get them to scatter, which ruins my comfort zone and only works temporarily. Man, how sweet it would be to be able to pick them off one by one... or maybe I can hire Randy Johnson to eliminate the birds...

Finally today, a quick Simpsons-related link... of all the "inventions" from the show, this is the one that's been emulated? Why not the baby translator? The electric hammer? Even the hamburger ear-muffs or the Everything's Okay alarm?

Just read this great article about Matsui being robbed of the Rookie of the Year award. There are also several articles in newspapers across the country in which Steinbrenner makes a similar argument. Why do I mention this? Well, because I made this very point in my post yesterday morning, long before anyone else did. Of course Mike Greenberg's column is better written, more thought-out, more articulate than my post... I'm just saying, is all...

Really sad news about Art Carney. A few years ago my dad made me start watching reruns of "The Honeymooners" on TV Land, and as Norton he really was so talented and funny. Between his death and John Ritter's, the world of television will soon be left with very few good physical comics (I think the best right now is Ricky Gervais of the British show "The Office"), and we'll be stuck watching talentless actors delivering lame one-liners. "Friends" is a perfect example of the downward spiral of sitcoms... the show used to utilize the physical talents of Matthew Perry, Matt LeBlanc, and even Jennifer Aniston. Now they force us to sit through jokes about Ross not being able to stand up until his erection dies down. ("Friends" also may be the worst offender at adding unnecessary beats to jokes, as if to explain that what we just heard really was a joke... example from a recent episode, where Ross says "Ask him if it would be faster if we cut the baby's face off the penis so we could put it on the bunny... That is a weird sentence" - do we really need the second line? What's the point? If the audience didn't realize that it's a weird sentence, then it's not a good joke). Sexual jokes are not necessarily as funny as writers think they are, and writers have become way too reliant on them ("The Simpsons" is as guilty of this as any show... stop going for cheap laughs and outrageous situations and get back to social commentary and youthful observations, PLEASE!!!). If you readers think I'm crazy, please watch an episode or two (or all of them, as I'm sure there will be a marathon soon) of "The Honeymooners," and you'll see what I'm talking about.

While I'm in a ranting mood (shocker), let's discuss UPS. UPS sucks. They make every effort to ensure that customers will NOT be at their apartments for delivery. Last Tuesday I got a notice that I missed delivery of a package, and that they'd attempt another delivery tomorrow between 10:30am and 2:30pm. Now I, like a large percentage of normal people, work during the day. And thanks to the laws of physics, I cannot be in two different places at the same time (time travel movies may argue differently, but time travel leads to all sorts of trouble - please refer to Timecop for more details). I call UPS to ask them to set the delivery for the "Before 10:30am" slot. They tell me that they can't change the delivery time. So basically they have me over a barrel. I get a second notice Wednesday, obviously. So even though the box saying "sign to authorize delivery in your absence" isn't checked, I check it myself, sign the back of the notice, and leave it for Mr. UPS Delivery Guy. Get home from work on Thursday to another notice that they couldn't open the door. Of course you couldn't, jackass, I'm not home. That's why I signed the note to leave it. But they didn't leave it. Friday I get another notice saying they attempted a final delivery. I call UPS and they say that the package will be at the pick-up center in the middle of Buttfuck for the next 5 business days and I need to go get it myself. Can I get it tomorrow (Saturday)? Nope, they're closed on weekends. How late are they open on weekdays? 5pm. Thanks, that's very helpful to the working man. I finally convince them to please deliver it to my office on Monday, as there is a mailroom and it can definitely be delivered. The woman, although pleasant, has to take my information 3 times (!), claiming that for some reason the computer keeps deleting it. Hmm, if I had to guess whether the mistakes originated from the computer or from Ms. Minimum-Wage UPS Customer Service Worker, I think you can guess which one I'd choose. So when she finally tells me I'm set for delivery for Monday, I think I'm good to go. I should've known better. Monday rolls around, and no package. I call at the end of the day, and get another Ms. MWUCSW, who tells me she has no record of the redelivery. So I have to give all my information AGAIN, for redelivery now scheduled on Tuesday. Miracle of miracles, I finally do get my package yesterday, although now I have to lug it home from the office myself. Moral of this story? UPS SUCKS!!! Is it really that difficult to have delivery times after work? In the long run, it would probably be beneficial to them, as they wouldn't have to send drivers out multiple times to leave notices. But that would be a wise decision, and UPS's corporate policy doesn't allow wise decisions...

Lots to talk about today, so let's get things started...

1) Happy Veteran's Day. To all the soldiers fighting in the Middle East (and the rest of the world), I hope you come home safely.

2) Saw the Paris Hilton tape yesterday. At least 3 minutes of it. It's shot nightvision-style, so it's all green and their eyes glow devilishly. It's pretty hardcore. And her parents' claim that Paris is so whacked out of her mind that she doesn't know what's going on is absolutely not true. She's completely lucid, talking to the camera and even stopping the romp for a bit to answer her ringing cell phone. Overall, fairly entertaining. Watch it if you can find it. I hope I don't get sued for showing it to all my co-workers.

3) I wish I could similarly recommend The Matrix Revolutions, which I saw on an IMAX screen last night (the link shows that only 1/3 of critics have given it a positive review, although the number should be much much lower than that... more like ZERO). I think it is probably the worst movie I've seen since the turn of the century. It is excruciatingly boring... the action is tedious... the ending is a major cop-out... nothing in this one is remotely as good as the second film, which I didn't even like very much. People laughed at the dialogue and actually booed when the end credits rolled. I usually complain that the public at large is full of idiots (not you readers, of course), and that mob mentality sucks, but in this case they were right on.

4) So why did voters deny Matsui the AL Rookie of the Year award, claiming his previous experience in Japan, when they willingly gave the award to Ichiro and ignored the same mitigating factors? It's because Matsui is a Yankee. And that sucks. Matsui and Berroa both hit .287, and Berroa had 17 HR compared to Matsui's 16. But Matsui hit 50% more RBIs, struck out 14 fewer times in almost 60 more at-bats, and walked more than twice as often, given him a much higher OBP. People say that Berroa had 21 SB vs. Matsui's 2, but that only translated into 10 more runs for Berroa... and really, what good is a stolen base if it doesn't translate into a run? I'm sick of this constant Yankee hatred from most of the nation. Based on the definition of a rookie and the criteria for the award, Matsui deserved it, and he got robbed.

I've got more, but I'll save it for another post.

Well, Brandon Webb just got screwed out of the NL Rookie of the Year by jackasses who are more into hype and image than quality. Yes, Dontrelle Willis had a better record, but Webb had a better ERA (6th best in all of baseball), WHIP, and more strikeouts per inning, and kept Arizona alive when Johnson and Schilling were MIA. Willis also had more run support, which led to more wins... not to mention an atrocious second-half colapse (5-5, 4.60 ERA) that relegated him to the bullpen in the playoffs. But why should people care about an entire season?

Also, it seems that Kylie Minogue now makes clothes out of her used shower curtains. Oh, and she has ugly shower curtains.

Apparently Joe Schmo himself has spun his idiocy into a development deal. Great for him. Sad for television in general. Matt Kennedy Gould (yes, pathetic that I know his real name) is no tv personality. Except for his incredible talent of having his eyes practically bulge out of their sockets, I have no reason to watch him. He's boring. BORING. Remember that woman who was on Ripley's Believe It Or Not who really could have her eyes pop out of their sockets? I think she was also in a pizza commercial or something... she was cool. She should have a development deal. Not MKG. Shame on Spike TV.

On the subject of Joe Schmo, I loved the show. Thought it was great. Until they totally pussied out in the final episode. Why the sugarcoating? Why let him off so easily? They undermined the entire point of the show... make a total jackass out of an unsuspecting moron. But no... they felt bad for him. The "fake" prizes became real and all went ot him. The cast all apologized. Some of them cried. He didn't even seem that upset... just confused (lots of eye-bulging). The show would have been infinitely better had they said "We're all actors... nothing is real... no prizes for you... see ya, putz." Spike TV is a network for men. Men want to see carnage. This was no carnage. Shame on Spike TV.

One more thing... tough weekend for Florida football teams. UM and FSU both lost Saturday; since they are both out of the national title hunt with two losses, I'm officially done with college football for the year, at least with I-A... as for I-AA, Penn wrapped up at least a share of the Ivy League title... can they finish the season undefeated and crack the I-AA Top 10? Am I the only person on earth who cares? Then Fins and Bucs both lost on Sunday. The Dolphins loss was particularly embarrassing. I miss Shula, Marino, the Marks brothers, and Jim Jensen. At least in the late 80s, they had an exciting air attack but no defense and running game to give us hope. How can they be so bad this year with Ricky Williams and a solid D? Shame on Spike TV... er, the Dolphins...

Ads for the Dumb and Dumberer DVD have been running seemingly non-stop on tv lately. In it, one of the characters says "I like it a lot," a reference to Forrest Gump. Now Forrest Gump came out in 1994. So did Dumb and Dumber. And Dumb and Dumberer is a prequel, supposedly taking place several years before the original. Which leads me to my question... why does this bother me enough to write a post about it?

About 10 minutes ago MTV ran a promo for TRL with guest Kelly Clarkson, who said "actually" 4 times in 1 sentence. Actually, Kelly, your music sucks, and actually, from what I could tell from the ads for your movie, your acting actually sucks too. And it's about time you removed the nuts you've been storing in your cheeks for winter... it's not a good look.

Time for Fun With Links... just a couple of good sites I've discovered over the past few days...

1) This Yatta video is so random and hilarious, it just has to be seen by everyone. Makes me wish I lived in Japan. It's almost better without any explaination, but in case you really need one, check here.

2) I blatently stole this from USA Today's Hip Clicks, but really, who cares. These album covers seem straight out of a Christopher Guest mockumentary.

While we're on the subject of music, yes, "Last Stop: This Town" is the title of an Eels song from their album Electro-Shock Blues. A friend from Scotland put it on my most recent birthday mix CD, a great (and cheap) gift tradition that more people should start doing. I'm not really a big Eels fan, and E-SB is the only album of theirs I own, but it's a good song and a good album, and I wasn't prepared when the site suddenly asked me for a title for this blog. I'm sure lots of other songs would've worked better. Maybe even "Novocaine for the Soul," another Eels song. I'll probably change it at some point... but then I'll have to change or delete this post... so I guess it'll just have to stay the same. Who knows. Who cares. Whatever.

One more Eels note... they are playing at Warsaw in Brooklyn tomorrow. Great venue... I saw Joan Jett there recently. And I hear they put on an incredible live show. Sadly I can't go, or I'd review it on Monday. I'm sure you're all crushed.

P.S. It's fun addressing readers that I'm sure don't exist...

The MTA sucks.

I know that actually it doesn't suck, and that without subways I'd be even more bitter than I am now, but really... is there anything more frustrating than waiting for hours for a subway to come, and when one finally picks you up, it slows down or stops between stations even though you know that there can't be a train for miles ahead? What's the deal, MTA?

Just the waiting for trains is usually bad enough. I'll probably take some heat from Brooklynites, and I know I'm a Manhattan snob, but getting from Brooklyn to Manhattan late at night is one of the worst experiences in the entire city. Last night I went into the NRW station at Prospect Ave. at around 1:30am to head back to Manhattan. Was the only person in the station. Put Def Leppard "Vault" (Greatest Hits, for the ignorant) on the iPod to keep me occupied. Rocked out to "Pour Some Sugar on Me" - no train. "Photograph" - no train. "Love Bites" - no train. "Let's Get Rocked" - no train. "Two Steps Behind" - no train. "Animal" - no train. Finally, a train pulled up during "Foolin'." Now come on, how can they justify such infrequent service? Do they only run 1 of each train at night? I'm just glad I had Def Leppard with me... if anyone can honestly listen to Def Leppard and not like them, even just as a guilty pleasure, they don't deserve ears to listen to music. Or a tongue to spew their idiotic opinions. Or even a life, cause they're just wasting food and air and everything else that should be used by Def Leppard fans.

I don't know how this turned from an anti-MTA post to a pro-Def Leppard post. But get used to reading about Lep, readers... you'll be seeing a lot of them, along with The Simpsons, which is probably the only show that could get away with dissing Def Leppard not once, but twice (DL memorabilia as crappy prizes for Skee-ball and Ring Toss).

Time to talk about porn. Specifically, Mary Carey (of Porn Star for Governor fame). Seems she will be co-hosting a new reality show, "Can YOU Be a Pornstar?"

First of all, I went to high school with Mary Carey. She rode my bus. She was no porn star back then. In fact, the total opposite. She was very innocent and sweet. Totally annoying, but sweet. Big doe eyes. Huge smile. Stick figure. I nicknamed her Fievel because she reminded me of the mouse from "An American Tail." Took ballet.

These days, her big doe eyes are no match for her big doughey boobs. Her huge smile reveals the pleasure of having the biggest dildo I've ever seen rammed into every orifice. And the ballet thing is now funny thanks to a yearbook photo of her doing a standing split, holding one foot high over her head, with the caption "Mary demonstrates vertical lineage (and her trademark smile) as ____ observes carefully." By the way, I don't know the _____ standing next to her, but she looks even more innocent than Mary did... I wonder if she's in therapy these days. Or doing films with Mary. I wouldn't know, since I don't watch them... cough cough...

My high school has produced a few fairly famous people. Billionaire former owner of Blockbuster Video and the Florida Marlins Wayne Huizenga, Emmy winner and former addict Kelsey Grammer, Tony winner Jayne Atkinson, the kid who played Weasel (the replacement Screech) on "Saved By the Bell: The New Class" until he got booted off after one season so that original Screech could return, and, of course, yours truly... cough cough... but now Mary Carey has exceeded them all. And how has this well-established, respected private school responded? Basically, it disowned her.

For shame, I say. Embrace Mary Carey. If given the opportunity, I sure would.