Sucky Garfield (#18 of 20)


G'day mate! We're ending '08 with a doozy of a Sucky Garfield, harking back to the Australian invasion of the late 80s. Unfortunately this Crocodile Hunter looks more French than Australian: he's meant to be wearing a necklace made of croc teeth and an outback hat, not a frilly collar and beret. Also those crocs don't seem particularly menacing. No wonder he was able to carve up the one on the shore, it's just a wee baby. And I wish I could remember my reasoning for erasing the "II" in the title. I guess Garfield Dundee just wasn't popular enough to deserve a sequel.

Happy New Year to everyone, and I hope you have a great 2009.

Sucky Garfield (#17 of 20)


Here we go, the most action-packed Sucky Garfield of them all. King Cat sure is a big fella (with a big floppy penis-tail). Those bullets have no effect on him at all, not even the bullets that defy the laws of physics by traveling diagonally from the plane on the right. I'm quite proud of using a crown to dot the "i" in the title, not so proud of making the parachuting pilot so happy. But all in all, definitely one of my better achievements.

Sucky Garfield (#16 of 20)


More like Lazy Garfield. No creativity whatsoever on this one, except in the font. Why does the city only have one tall building? What is up with the cape? Why did I even bother posting this? The less I say about it, the better.

Sucky Garfield (#15 of 20)


It's the holiday season, and nothing says the holidays quite like Dracula. But what was I thinking with the title? Where's the pun? No Catula? A golden opportunity, wasted. At least I didn't put a smile on the victim like I did on Monday the 13th.

Happy Holidays

It was Christmas Eve babe
In the drunk tank
An old man said to me, won't see another one
And then he sang a song
The Rare Old Mountain Dew
I turned my face away
And dreamed about you

Got on a lucky one
Came in eighteen to one
I've got a feeling
This year's for me and you
So happy Christmas
I love you baby
I can see a better time
When all our dreams come true

They've got cars big as bars
They've got rivers of gold
But the wind goes right through you
It's no place for the old
When you first took my hand
On a cold Christmas Eve
You promised me
Broadway was waiting for me

You were handsome
You were pretty
Queen of New York City
When the band finished playing
They howled out for more
Sinatra was swinging,
All the drunks they were singing
We kissed on a corner
Then danced through the night

The boys of the NYPD choir
Were singing "Galway Bay"
And the bells were ringing out
For Christmas day

You're a bum
You're a punk
You're an old slut on junk
Lying there almost dead on a drip in that bed
You scumbag, you maggot
You cheap lousy faggot
Happy Christmas your arse
I pray God it's our last

The boys of the NYPD choir
Were singing "Galway Bay"
And the bells were ringing out
For Christmas day

I could have been someone
Well so could anyone
You took my dreams from me
When I first found you
I kept them with me babe
I put them with my own
Can't make it all alone
I've built my dreams around you

The boys of the NYPD choir
Were singing "Galway Bay"
And the bells were ringing out
For Christmas day

R.I.P. Grandma

Sucky Garfield is going on temporary hiatus... my grandmother passed away this morning, so I'm flying down to Florida in the morning (if weather permits) and will be there until the middle of next week.

She lived a very long, full life (she would have turned 91 in February), and she's had some severe health problems of late, so the news wasn't entirely unexpected. And I'm fortunate that I got to spend time with her over Thanksgiving weekend. Still, that doesn't dull the hurt. I'll miss her immensely.

My sincere thanks to everybody who has passed along their condolences.

Sucky Garfield (#14 of 20)


Yesterday a friend asked me if I had any drawings with Odie. Ask and you shall receive.
In retrospect, I should have done more of them... my Odies are significantly better than my Garfields.
I like that Garfield is bustin' ghosts in the nude in this one... and that I erased my first attempt at the title to make sure it was dead-center. Oh, and to avoid confusion, the thing beneath Odie is the ghost trap (does it have an actual name in the film?).

Sucky Garfield (#13 of 20)


My most action-packed drawing yet! The fire! The bullet holes! The bellowing smoke! Can you feel the heat?
On the other hand, I've never seen a fighter jet with a gun mounted on the nose like this one... and the parachute seems pretty small to hold up a man of that size... ... and the burning plane and ejected pilot seem to be falling at the same speed... and Garfield's jet is on the verge of colliding with both plane and pilot... and why is the downed pilot so happy? He's about to plummet to his death... or at least get reamed out for losing this battle. So much for realism.

Sucky Garfield (#12 of 20)


Cowabunga! Or should I say Cat-abunga! (how did I miss that joke years ago?)
It seems that the only mutations caused by the ooze are excessively long fingernails and toenails (and of course a giant floppy penis/tail). I also don't know that I've ever seen a building so tall and yet so narrow as the one on the far right - poor architectural design. And would it have killed me to drawn a defeated member of the Foot Clan to show off Garfield's awesome ass-kicking abilities? So many regrets...

Sucky Garfield (#11 of 20)


Horror, yet again. Incredibly I've never actually seen Shocker despite my love affair with Wes Craven. But this drawing sticks pretty close to the source material, even working in the tag line (although based on Garfield's expression, he still seems pretty nice to me). I don't know why I even bother trying to draw humans in these things... they always end up a disaster (his head is 1/3 the size of his arm). And I'm fairly certain that electric chairs don't also send electricity to wrists and feet. But on the plus side, I've never been prouder of a font.

Sucky Garfield (#10 of 20)


Look at how creatively minimalist I got with the birds. If only I'd carried that minimalism over to other, um, "parts" of the drawing. Welcome back, floppy-penis Garfield!
I wonder what made me erase my first attempt at Garfield's head. Upon closer inspection, his ears were a bit too big and pointy. It's good to see I had standards.

Sucky Garfield (#9 of 20)


Talk about a rush job... I clearly mailed this one in. What a dinky little bow, to go along with the dinky little tree (unless Robin Cat is Paul Bunyan-sized). I was even too lazy to draw a line to differentiate his pants from his shoes. Or maybe he's wearing tights with no shoes... hmm. Well, they can't all be winners.

Sucky Garfield (#8 of 20)


The color, man! The color! That sure is some red blood. I guess I really felt the need to emphasize what a bad-ass Garfield Myers is. Now if only I could figure out why I drew him with no eyeballs, rather than with the Halloween mask.
And this seems to be the worst offender by far of the tail-looking-like-a-giant-Dirk-Diggler-sized-floppy-dick.
But what a cool font in the title.

Sucky Garfield (#7 of 20)


Let me first state that I HATE STAR TREK (I also hate Star Wars, but that's another rant for another time). So I'm not sure why I did a Star Trek-themed Garfield, and also not sure why it's the most detailed one of all.
I hate to brag, but I nailed all of the characters: Scotty's beard, Kirk's chair, Spocks' ears, and Sulu's, um, Asian eyes (no eyelids... eesh). And note the detail in the teleportation machine, and whatever control panel the woman is using (I don't know her name and can't be bothered to look it up). This must have taken at least an hour.
Oh, and to avoid any confusion, this is actually two drawings... the top half is the outer view of the USS Lasagna, and the bottom half is the inner view.

Sucky Garfield (#6 of 20)


What else was I obsessed with in elementary school? Ernest! For some reason my dad loved him, too. Together we saw Ernest Goes to Camp, Ernest Goes to Jail, Ernest Rides Again, and the holiday classic Ernest Saves Christmas, which is the subject of today's drawing.
No, that's not a dinosaur... it's clearly a (very unhappy) reindeer, based on its hooves and antlers. Why just one and not eight? Too much work. Apparently it was also too much work to put presents in the sleigh, or a harness on the reindeer, or the speech bubble for Garfield to say "ho ho ho" (which I'm assuming is why his mouth is wide open). And Earth may not be 100% round but how about those realistic-looking continents?

Here is Urban Dictionary's definition of flid:
A widely used insult in England, i dont know about America its probably there too. It is quite an extreme insult, most people dont like it (obviously), means spasticated or retarded.
It comes from the German drug* that was used in the 60's to help calm the side effects of pregnancy, but sometimes caused physical abnormalities in the baby. A flid is actually originally a person with no arms and legs.

And here is a trailer for the upcoming film, Kung Fu Flid:



Horribly offensive? You bet.
Horribly entertaining? Ditto.

* Note: That drug is Thalidomide.

Sucky Garfield (#5 of 20)


Q: What the hell is Cat-Devil?
A: A parody of She-Devil.
Q: What the hell is She-Devil?
A: It was a comedy starring Meryl Streep and Rosanne Barr.
Q: Why would the greatest actress of our generation agree to be in a movie with Roseanne Barr?
A: Got me.
Q: Have I even seen She-Devil?
A: Of course not.
Q: Does this drawing have anything whatsoever to do with the movie?
A: Based on this trailer, not one iota.

Sucky Garfield (#4 of 20)


Confused about this one? I know I would be. It's a parody of License to Kill. And see, it's Garfield's actual license to kill. With blood on it, because he's been killing people. Very literal, I know.
Cheers for this one: the facial expression of the guy getting shot, and the smoke coming from Garfield's gun.
Jeers for this one: the title. I definitely go overboard trying to work "Cat" into titles (look closely to see that I originally had License to Kill before erasing Kill for Cat).

Sucky Garfield (#3 of 20)


Oh man, I've forever tarnished the memory of one of my all-time favorite movies, Rocky IV.* But at least I added some color to my work... what realistic blood!
I have no idea why I have Rocky fighting Apollo here, rather than Ivan Drago. I'm sure that when I drew this, I had seen Rocky IV at least a dozen times. And I can't remember if the circles surrounding the ring are supposed to be lights or the heads of people in the audience. And the guy ringing the bell is tiny for some reason, but with giant Popeye-ish arms. Yet even with all those problems, this is hardly my most embarrassing work.

Oh, and I should have mentioned this sooner (although I'm sure most of you already figured this out), but you can click on each picture to enlarge it for all of the stunning detail.

* I saw Rocky IV in the theaters with my sister (who is four years older than I am), and she burst out crying when (SPOILER ALERT!!!) Apollo died. I have yet to let her live that down.

I just got an e-mail with the greatest subject line of all time...

Wait for it...

Ready?

Hammer wants to keep up with you on Twitter

Yes, MC Hammer wants to keep in touch with me! On Twitter! The 1990 version of me would be so proud. (Technically so would the December 2, 2008 version)

Sucky Garfield (#2 of 20)


Oof, this one is a disaster, and it definitely needs explanation. See, it's Garfield and a friend (which I'm guessing was supposed to be a monkey of some sort, although I can't be sure, because it looks nothing like a monkey of any sort), swinging from vines of a tree. I'm not sure if the other creature is holding onto the vine with its paw or its tail. Garfield's tail looks like a giant floppy penis. The non-vined tree is either really small or Garfield is really big. And if you look closely, you can see I originally titled it Ape Man before erasing Ape and writing Cat.
On the plus side, good for me for putting knotholes in the trees. How's that for attention to detail?

Sucky Garfield (#1 of 20)
I'm back in NYC after a week in Florida. There's nothing like a week of relaxation being completely erased by a nightmare at Fort Lauderdale airport, when your flight is delayed four hours due to storms up and down the East Coast. Then after finally boarding, the flight attendant had the audacity to make this announcement (quoted verbatim):
"JFK Airport has put a stop on all incoming flights, so we will not be able to depart for at least another hour. But I figured you all would rather be sitting on the plane rather than in the stuffy terminal."
Yes, because everybody prefers cramped seats and recirculated air to wide-open spaces, wi-fi, food courts, and bathrooms. Duh.

As promised, today is the start of a new series on LSTT: Sucky Garfield (sucky title, I know). For some reason when I was nearing the end of elementary school, I was obsessed with Garfield. So I started to draw parody movie posters featuring Garfield in the starring role. This, despite the fact that I clearly had no artistic talent whatsoever. They would often include "clever" title changes (as you will find out in the coming days). I uncovered a folder of 20 of these drawings, and I will post one a day, along with select commentary.

Since today is Monday, I'm starting with Monday the 13th. I was also obsessed with horror movies back then, so you'll see that a lot of them are based on slasher flicks. This one isn't that embarrassing, but it's a pretty crappy drawing. Apparently Garfield doesn't have to actually grasp the knife... it just sort of floats next to his fingers. Also not only can I not draw Garfield (or severed body parts), but I can't draw the letter Y or the number 3 in box lettering. Sigh.