People have been talking about this AmEx short film with Jerry Seinfeld, and I'm happy to say it lives up to the hype.

Had to go to a screening of Soul Plane this morning... and, believe it or not, IT SUCKED! BIG TIME! And, to add insult to injury, the screening room was filled with these meatheads working for MGM talking to each other across the room:
-Yo, where we going to lunch?
-Anywhere but a steakhouse.
-How 'bout Italian?
-No can do... no carbs.
-Why not?
-Diet.
-Atkins?
-South Beach.
-Why do you need to diet?
-Goin' to Vegas, baby! Need to get buff.
-I've never heard anyone say they need to get buff for Vegas. What you doing there?
-Dude, what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. All I can say is there's a pole with my name on it.
Bunch of assholes.

I stand corrected... the Collector's Edition of Freaks and Geeks contains 2 extra discs, not 1... the one in stores only has 6 discs. All the more reason to spend the extra money...

On Saturday my Special Edition Freaks and Geeks DVD Set arrived in the mail, and I have to say, it is the coolest DVD package I've ever seen! It's a yearbook with about 30 pages of content... then the last few pages contain the DVD's. There are 8 disks, as opposed to 7 in the regular edition... the 8th contains additional deleted scenes, table reads, audition footage, etc. Can't wait to start watching! I hope this sells well so that they can do the same thing for Undeclared. Go out and buy it... NOW!

British magazine Q is having a contest where people submit questions to ask Slash during an upcoming interview... if your question is picked, you win 25 quid (about $45). Here are the questions I submitted:
-When's the last time you went out in public without your sunglasses and hat?
-Is your name a noun or a verb?
-How big is your snake?
-You played at the Michael Jackson anniversary show where they blurred out his face. What were they covering up?
-When's the last time you went to the beach? And is your bathing suit made out of leather like the rest of your wardrobe?
-Have you ever made out with Axl?
-What's the one guitar riff you wish you'd written?
-With the success of musicals featuring music by Queen, Abba, Billy Joel, etc., there's now talk of a Wham! musical. What are your thoughts about that? Any chance of a GnR musical?
-You appeared in the cartoon Kid Notorious. What are some of your favorite cartoons besides that one?
I hope at least one of those is worth money.

Saturday night (Sunday morning) on the subway, a homeless woman comes through the train asking people for food and/or money. I'm listening to my iPod, so I can't hear exactly what is said, but she angrily turns to a group of people and says "Who said that? You don't know me. Don't talk shit about someone you don't know. I'm no different from the rest of you." Well, yeah, except that you're the only one asking people for food and/or money.
You make think I have a bad attitude towards the homeless, but excuse me if they've made me jaded... case in point, I transfer to another subway to find a homeless man asking for food and/or money. Everyone turns him down except for one couple... the man opens his wallet and apparently only finds big bills, so the girl opens her purse and gives the guy 3 singles. The homeless man adds it to his stack of 1 single, counts it, then asks if they have another couple bucks so he can buy (something unintelligible). The couple says that's all they can give, sorry, and the homeless man starts cursing them out, saying "That's bullshit! I know you got more money!" No good deed goes unpunished... and I only give money to really good subway performers.

For those Democratic viewers out there concerned by yesterday's show featuring "Reggie" the Republican Voter Registration truck, fear not... I assume that the crowd chanting "four more years" was referring to TRL, not Bush/Cheney.

The new issue of Rolling Stone lists the 50 greatest rock artists ("the Immortals"). Beatles are #1, surprise surprise. What is a (very pleasant) surprise is that The Beach Boys came in at #12, above Led Zepplin, The Who, U2, Michael Jackson, and many others. Bravo, RS, bravo.

My friend Jared just sent me this link... now I'm gonna go kill myself.

I showed this to a co-worker who is possibly a bigger 80's fan than I am... her reaction: "OH NO HE DIDN'T!"

These dolls are great, but anyone who pays $300+ for them is a damn fool.

"Off the Hook" update:
I don't know what's going on... today La La described yesterday's Usher performance as "bananas"... she's obviously lost her mind. Thus ends the "Off the Hook" counter.
Vanessa, on the other hand, called herself "retarded" on the air for the second time in three days. She keeps getting yelled at, but it's probably... retarded people don't watch TRL anyway, and if they do, they can't operate the remote if they get pissed off and want to change the channel.

Yesterday's "Off the Hook" tally:
Tuesday's count: 4 (including 2 in consecutive sentences)
Total for the week: 7
She is surprisingly behind her average... I thought she'd go nuts with Usher, Luda, and Lil' Jon on yesterday. I'm sure she'll find a way to catch up.

Sad that Michael Jackson has sunk so low that reading this news doesn't even phase me anymore. Hot Rod is a great title, though.

I've decided to keep a running count of the number of times La La says "off the hook" this week on TRL.
Today's count: 3
Total for week: 3

As a former employee at Troma, I couldn't be more pleased with this excerpt from Friday's New York Times review of Dawn of the Dead:
... Mr. Snyder's blood feast is strictly by the numbers; this second-rater could be the world's most expensive Troma film. That makes sense: the screenwriter for the remake, James Gunn, also banged out Tromeo and Juliet, that no-budget B-movie-studio's seminal film (that is, if the word seminal can be appended to Troma). Still, this is the first studio picture to exhibit the tacky Troma influence, which means - something, like the end of shame in Western civilization, perhaps.
Hear, hear.

Was at an apartment party on Saturday night where a few of my friends took Ecstasy, which is no big deal (although that particular party seemed an odd environment to take it), but for some reason it made me think of the episode of Beverly Hills, 90210 where the gang goes to a club and Brandon's crazy girlfriend Emily slipped E in his drink and he started acting all freaky and he pissed off the rest of his friends and his car got trashed when he left it at the club and the whole time Steve and Andrea are going to different convenience stores trying to "exchange an egg" to get the address of the club and the next day everyone has learned a lesson about drugs... I haven't seen that episode since it aired, which is at least 10 years ago, and I can remember it so clearly... now that's a sign of good television.
What isn't good television was last night's episode of The Simpsons, which for the second week in a row featured a parody that would've been fresh and appropriate last millennium. And while the Star Wars parody had its moments, the other 18 or so minutes were awful. My roommate has given up on the show... I may do so as well. For shame, Simpsons, for shame.

Yet another one of these conversations...
Globlgurl9: i have a question for you
Globlgurl9: how does time depend on the future?
Greeneneon: b/c if there were no future, this moment would be infinite
Globlgurl9: oh cool
Globlgurl9: string theory is pretty cool
Greeneneon: maybe you could take over for me
Greeneneon: you could be the next superstring genius
Globlgurl9: i dont know
Greeneneon: it's not hard
Globlgurl9: i am a international reltions major
Greeneneon: so how do you know about string theory at all?
Globlgurl9: my friend told me about it
Globlgurl9: and showed me some documentary you did
Greeneneon: is your friend loveneuroscience?
Globlgurl9: y7es
Globlgurl9: *yes
Greeneneon: she seems kinda nuts
Greeneneon: she's kinda obsessed with mtv
Globlgurl9: mtv?
Greeneneon: yeah
Greeneneon: she wouldn't stop talking about it
Globlgurl9: oh
Greeneneon: i'm not sure how it related to superstring theory
Globlgurl9: oh
Greeneneon: you have any ideas?
Greeneneon: i'd love to put together a theory of how they relate
Greeneneon: get the kids into string theory
Greeneneon: it'll be all the rage
Globlgurl9: hm?

Someone was either fucking with me or is just fucked up... either way, this conversation was bizarre and lots of fun:
LoveNeuroscience: Hello, I have a question...
Greeneneon: yes...
LoveNeuroscience: it's about the book you wrote, Fabric of the Cosmos
LoveNeuroscience: Do you think that there are more than 1 dimension of time?
Greeneneon: wrong Brian Greene
LoveNeuroscience: ?
LoveNeuroscience: aren't you Brian Greene?
LoveNeuroscience: I am a physics student
Greeneneon: i'm a brian greene
Greeneneon: not that brian greene
LoveNeuroscience: :-(
LoveNeuroscience: sorry...
LoveNeuroscience: do you know about dimensions of time anyways?
Greeneneon: of course... who doesn't?
LoveNeuroscience: are you a physicists too?
LoveNeuroscience: physicist*
Greeneneon: so far from it
LoveNeuroscience: well, are there any mathematical models that support the theory of multiple time dimensions, possibly infinite dimensions?
Greeneneon: yes
LoveNeuroscience: could you tell me about them, please?
Greeneneon: i could, but it's too complicated to explain on IM
Greeneneon: plus i usually get paid for tutoring
LoveNeuroscience: tutoring in math?
LoveNeuroscience: what subjects do you tutor?
Greeneneon: sociology of popular culture
Greeneneon: specifically the effects of TRL on teenage society
Greeneneon: it's fascinating
LoveNeuroscience: the mtv show?
Greeneneon: that's the one
LoveNeuroscience: oh
Greeneneon: it seriously messes kids up
Greeneneon: studies have proved it
LoveNeuroscience: I think that show is quite silly
Greeneneon: i concur
LoveNeuroscience: kids should be learning about other things instead...lke physics
Greeneneon: couldn't agree more
LoveNeuroscience: mtv is nonsense
Greeneneon: from my research, i've gotten to know the writers there... i should tell them to put physics lessons into the show
LoveNeuroscience: absolutly! good idea
LoveNeuroscience: are you doing undergrad, grad, or postdoc research, out of curiousity?
Greeneneon: it's independent study
Greeneneon: so i don't have to pay tuition
LoveNeuroscience: oh - for undergraduate studies?
Greeneneon: no, i'm done with undergrad
LoveNeuroscience: oh ok
Greeneneon: but i can never stop learning about stuff
Greeneneon: like those GI Joe interstitials... "knowing is half the battle"
LoveNeuroscience: I agree.. I feel the same way about science
LoveNeuroscience: I agree!
LoveNeuroscience: I'm sorry... I just saw that you were Brian Greene and couldn't resist talking to you
Greeneneon: no problem... it happens all the time
LoveNeuroscience: really?
LoveNeuroscience: you're research on trl sounds very interesting
Greeneneon: it gets me through the day
Greeneneon: better than a real job
LoveNeuroscience: :-)
LoveNeuroscience: Nice talking to you. Good luck with your research...And sorry about the mistaken identity.
Greeneneon: no problem
LoveNeuroscience: btw, I'm going to your book signing at Union Square on Wednesday. I'm so excited.
Greeneneon: then i'll see you there
LoveNeuroscience: haha

Saw a preview screening of The Anchorman last night... I'm not a fan of Will Farrell, especially in large doses, but the movie did have a few quality laughs, particularly from Steve Carell of "The Daily Show." It's also loaded with guest stars and cameos: Vince Vaughn, Ben Stiller, Jack Black. This group, along with Owen Wilson, has become the equivalent of the crop of comedians who appeared in some combination in basically every comedy from the early 80's: Bill Murray, John Candy, Dan Aykroyd, Chevy Chase, Harold Ramis. Compare their talents and the films they were in (Ghostbusters, Stripes, Caddyshack, Vacation, Little Shop of Horrors, even The Great Outdoors) to the work of the current guys and there is no comparison. The newbies have their moments (Owen Wilson and Jack Black especially), but will any of their movies be considered classic comedies? Makes me long for the good old days.

Dorky white guys of the world, unite! But that tour is just a warm-up to Phil Collins' cleverly-titled "First Final Farewell Tour." I've got my dancing shoes on already.

Saw Neil Young & Crazy Horse perform Greendale (and a selection of hits) at Radio City last night. Excellent concert. Greendale is terrific music; the staging is bizarre. It's like watching a really early 80's music video where the singer acts out every single lyric. Pretty cheesy, actually. I think it would've been better had he simply played the music without the actors onstage. I'm sure the movie is even worse than the staging. But I highly recommend the album, and Neil can still rock with the best of them (the show lasted almost 3 hours). He also hasn't lost his edge... at one point a heckler kept yelling out "Cinnamon Girl" during one of Neil's expository monologues, and Neil finally shouted back "Shut up, asshole!" much to the delight of the crowd. Why people feel there cannot be a single moment of silence during a rock concert without somebody whistling, cheering, or yelling things out escapes me. This is why I hate people.

On a related concert note, a former co-worker had e-mailed me yesterday to tell me about Courtney Love's surprise gig at the Kitten Klub last night. I was planning on going after Neil Young, but once again inertia got the best of me. Then, of course, this happened. I always miss the good stuff.

I love the fact that I, a 24-year-old nobody, wrote words that Donald Trump had to say on national television... and that he'd come into the control room and be instructed to point to a monitor, and he'd do it. He was $3 billion worth of putty in my hands.

I think I missed this by about 30 minutes... wish I could learn to control my hunger pains.

Donald Trump is on the show today, and we're doing a parody of The Apprentice. Should be an interesting show... I have a feeling Trump is gonna look like a deer in headlights in this environment.

I went to college with his son Donnie, and was on the same flight as him coming down to Florida for Thanksgiving one year... I sat across the aisle from him and was able to hear his conversation with the man sitting next to him... the guy was talking to Donnie about Wharton, business life, etc., and while Donnie never said he was Trump's son, he would drop hints such as saying his dad is in real estate, he's going to his golf resort, etc. At the end of the flight the guy gave Donnie a business card and offered to help him get a job. I wanted so badly to pull the guy aside and say "Do you realize you've been talking to Donald Trump's son?" just to see his reaction.

I recently watched Shocked on Trio, which was about Shockwave's ill-fated partnership with Trey Parker and Matt Stone. In 1999 Shockwave paid them $2 million to create short cartoons for their website, giving them full creative control. Matt & Trey came up with Princess, a cartoon about a cute puppy who witnesses lots of digusting things (like a husband whose wife gives him such a good blow-job his cum shoots her head right off). Shockwave never posted the episodes. Shocked gave clips of them... I've now discovered full versions of the first 2 episodes. They're sick... and hilarious. I love it!
Episode 1
Episode 2

Wait a minute, Whitney Houston takes drugs? Not this Whitney Houston... she seems so normal and well-adjusted... and her husband couldn't be a better influence on her...

Janet claims another victim...

George Michael is retiring from the music business... hopefully to focus on his efforts to reunite with Andrew Ridgeley for that long-awaited Wham! reunion?

Did anybody else notice on The Simpsons last night that they basically showed where Springfield is in the couch gag? During the 2001 parody, the camera zoomed out from a map of the US and came up from either Michigan or Illinois. Dunno if that was intentional or not, but I'm sure Simpsons geeks around the globe are up in arms (and yes, I'm one of them).
I also have to express my disappointment last night's episode. A Blair Witch Project parody? Come on... they should've avoided that altogether, since it's so overdone, but to do it 6 years after it came out? Please...

Went to Siberia last night for Lindsayism's birthday party. I usually hate situations where I go somewhere and only know 1 person, especially when that person happens to be the host, but it wasn't too bad... I just wish that she had more than 2 friends who weren't male hipsters (and I'd love for her to atttempt to deny that fact... I now totally agree with the Daily News, which referred to her as a "bona fide Gen-X Williamsburg hipster"). But I'm glad I went, and Happy Birthday to you, Lindsay!

Elijah Wood guest-hosted TRL today, and a crazy girl slipped a note to one of our PA's to give to him... here are the contents of that note:

"Elijah Wood" - written in a drunken stupor by __________ (phone number ***-***-****)

Elijah Wood
You look so good
I would bang you
If I could

You live in the Meat Packing District
I would buy new lipstick
Go to Gristedes and get some Bisquick
To make you pancakes in the morning

You're really small
Yeah, not that tall
Let's go to the mall
You can buy me lots of shit

You have a penis
Don't call it a weenis
I don't want a fetus
So you best wear a condom
BIATCH!

Some days at work are certainly better than others...

I was deciding whether or not to get tickets to see Courtney Love at Bowery Ballroom on the 18th... not because I'm a fan of hers, but because I want to be able to tell people "Yeah, I saw her last concert ever when she went totally insane and then killed herself / went to jail"... the likelihood of that happening is huge. But ultimately I passed, and tickets sold out within minutes. Hope I didn't make the same mistake I made when I passed up a chance to see INXS 2 weeks before Michael Hutchence killed himself.

Stuff like this never happens to me...

Time to pass along some fun links...
- Woman rejects wedding proposal at NBA Halftime show
- Biggest freak of all time
- Religious ceremony gone awry (this is why we should eliminate religion)

I know I once said that this was the best game ever, but I stand corrected... it has been vastly improved!

Last week Rolling Stone ran an article about students (specifically Stephen Bohler) committing suicide at NYU. Yesterday, the 4th NYU student in 6 months killed herself. So I guess that does make the magazine educational material...
*Note - yes, I'm fully aware I'm going to Hell.

Did anyone read the Entertainment Weekly article about Justin Guarini? If you looked up douchebag in the dictionary, you would find his picture. First of all, why on earth does he deserve a 4-page article? And where does he get the balls to say something like this?
"I'm here to entertain, to bring joy to people, to bring light to dark places of the world."
Justin, if you truly believe that, you can start by never opening your mouth again.

On a more positive note, Steve Martin's article in New Yorker titled "Studio Script Notes on 'The Passion'" is one of the funniest things I've ever read. Love the exchange between the 2 spectators as to why Jesus doesn't use his superpowers to save himself. I was wondering that, too. Steve Martin is a genius. Bring him back to host the Oscars next year.

Does anyone else think that The Passion of the Christ would have been VASTLY improved if, at the end when Jesus is revealed in profile at the tomb, he had turned to the camera and winked? Maybe even said something like, "I told you I'd be back!"... that would've been AWESOME!!!

Saw a screening of Jersey Girl over the weekend... trust me, you do NOT want to see this movie. But if you feel the need to, here are some pointers...
1) When the movie starts, you may think that you've stumbled into the middle of the 300,000th TNT showing of Kindergarten Cop. The similarity is so great, you may be certain. But trust me, it is not Kindergarten Cop... although in a few minutes, you may wish it was.
2) Ben Affleck is a terrible, TERRIBLE actor... note the scene when he arrives at the hospital.
3) For some reason, the video store Ben and his daughter frequent is the only video store in the world that stocks multiple copies of Children of the Corn 666. In fact, approximately 44% of all the movies there are 666, Scream, or Copland. Bizarre.
4) Ben and his daughter must be immune to a disease that has wiped out the entire population of Manhattan, because they are the only 2 people walking through Central Park on a gorgeous afternoon and the only 2 people (except for the driver) when they take a horse-drawn carriage ride through the city on a beautiful night.
There's more, but I'd rather not waste space here. How Kevin Smith could possibly think this is his best movie boggles the mind...

There are certain stories that, although great to read, definitely cry out for video. This is one of them. The best part of the story is that one of the guys involved in the fight lives in the same nursing home as his mother. That's so much worse than having to move back into your parents' house. I didn't think the concept of nursing homes could be more painful, but that would do it.

Got myself a copy of the full Paris Hilton tape yesterday... had to trade a Bubba Ho-Tep bedpan for it (that may have been a once-in-a-lifetime find, but really, what's the point of having a bedpan if you're not gonna use it?). That Paris is one very dirty girl. The "trailer" doesn't do justice to the amount of sex these two have. And, in typical porn-star fashion, Paris looks bored and miserable throughout the entire thing, except at the very end when Rick explodes all over her chest and she rubs it on like sunscreen. He also gets away with spanking her and calling her "bitch" and jokes about her being underage. Quite a pair, these two.
Is the footage worthy of all the press it's gotten? No. Would I pay $50 for it? No. Is it worth more than that bedpan? That remains to be seen... but now that I have the Paris video, I'll have to find something else in which to collect my fluids...

A co-worker just showed me a mock movie poster for Lord of the Bling. "This is gonna be great," he says. I nod, out of courtesy. "Hilarious," he continues. "It's from Mad Magainze."
Can people even say that anymore?
I ask again, why is my building full of morons?

I'm on an elevator heading up to the 23rd floor. Doors open at 21 so somebody can exit. Girl walks on. Buttons for 22, 23, and 30 are already lit. She presses 7. Other people in the car give her a weird look. Elevator goes up to 22. Doors open, someone gets out. The light for 7 turns off. Girl presses it again. Doors close, elevator goes up to 23. Girl has to realize at this point that the elevator is going in the wrong direction. I get out, expecting girl to follow and switch elevators rather than go all the way up to 30. She stays. Probably presses 7 again.
Why is my building full of morons?

The mix project continues... today's theme was Cover Songs. Here is the tracklist and liner notes for the mix I made for Tommy:

1. Hazy Shade of Winter – The Bangles (Simon & Garfunkel): As always, I like to start these mixes off with solid guitar riffs, which this song has. Sounds great on a good stereo (or headphones), where the riff bounces between the left and right speakers.
2. Rock & Roll - Jane's Addiction (Velvet Underground): I’m not a big fan of either Jane’s Addiction or Velvet Underground, but for some reason I really like how JA sounds doing this song.
3. Wild Horses - The Sundays (Rolling Stones): Hard to believe one of my favorite Stones songs could be improved upon, especially in a version prominently used by a WB TV show, but this version is haunting… it’s more of a stalker song than a love song here.
4. The Ocean - Melissa Quade (Led Zepplin): I wish I could cut out the end, because it almost ruins the song, but I think she’s a great singer and does a terrific job stripping down this song.
5. Try Some, Buy Some - David Bowie (George Harrison): It’s sad that the best song on Bowie’s new album is a cover, but not really since this is really great.
6. Working in a Coal Mine - Devo (Lee Dorsey): Devo makes it seem like it could be a whole lotta fun to work in a coal mine.
7. Mona (I Need You Baby) - Rolling Stones (Bo Diddley): Yeah, so much of the early Stones material is covers, and those songs don’t show off the band’s skills, but out of all their early stuff I think this is there best cover.
8. The Passenger - Siouxsie & the Banshees (Iggy Pop): This song is probably the most faithful to the source material, but Siouxsie sounds great singing this.
9. Always Something There to Remind Me - Naked Eyes (Lou Johnson): As far as improving upon source material, I don’t think you can do much better than this.
10. White Lines - Duran Duran (Grandmaster Flash): DD started the encore with this song during their Webster Hall show and almost blew the roof off the place. Sure, it’s borderline laughable when Grandmaster Flash trades rhymes with Simon LeBon, but it’s a song I could crank all they way up while driving.
11. Girl U Want - Soundgarden (Devo): Simple song that Soundgarden didn’t alter too much; they simply made it their own, and it works.
12. Ben - Crispin Glover (Michael Jackson): Michael Jackson singing about a rat = creepy. Crispin Glover singing about a rat = creepier. Although Crispin Glover makes just about anything creepier.
13. Thirteen - Garbage (Big Star): I wish some girl had made these offers to me when I was thirteen. Shirley Manson’s voice is just too damn sexy. This is probably my favorite song on the mix.
14. Handbags & Gladrags - Stereophonics (Michael D'abo): Being such a huge fan of “The Office,” I tried to find the version that plays in the credits. It’s never been released, but this version is almost identical. It’s also the only Stereophonics song I can stomach.
15. Save It For Later - Harvey Danger (English Beat): “Flagpole Sitta” is such an annoying song, it’s a marvel I even gave this a chance… but I’m glad I did, because I think they did a great job with it.
16. Ball of Confusion - Love & Rockets (The Temptations): Not only a cover, but also a lyrical update.
17. Rent - Carter the Unstoppable Sex Machine (Pet Shop Boys): When I was in Scotland, I had a friend who loved Pop Will Eat Itself, Carter the USM, and Pet Shop Boys’ “Rent.” Every conversation concerning music would eventually lead to one (or more) of these three topics. This song nails 2 of the 3. I don’t particularly like Carter, which is an opinion shared by most people (that is, of people who know of him, which in this country is virtually nobody), and I’m not wild about this version of the song, so more than anything I put it on here in honor of my friend, Laurie.
18. Rock & Roll All Nite - Toad the Wet Sprocket (Kiss): One of the things that most attracts me to a cover is when they alter the mood of the song. This one does that in spades. I just wish I could’ve found a version that cuts out the lame intro.
19. The Girl Is Mine – Penn-6 (Michael Jackson / Paul McCartney): If the a-capella groups at Penn were organized like the Greek system, Pennsylvania 6-5000 would be the Animal House: lots of drinking, drugs, crazy parties, date-rape, etc. At performances, they’d get so trashed they could barely sing. So it boggles the mind that they could arrange and sing songs that sound as good as this.
20. Timeless Melody - Pearl Jam (The La's): PJ has so many covers to choose from… I tried to pick one I was pretty sure you’ve never heard. The original of this is great, and it’s a shame the La’s broke up so early in their career, although I hear a reunion is in the works. This is just a great little pop song; nothing more, nothing less.

Tommy Sticking Point took the very creative step of commenting on my Oscar diary instead of writing his own, and he did a bang-up job. Not to turn this into a never-ending cycle, but here's a few comments I have on his notes:

8:51
Brian writes: Tim Robbins ... seems to have found a surefire way to avoid the orchestra cue: discuss sexual abuse. Future winners, take note.
Tommy's Second Opinion: But to make it more interesting, name names. Start with "Michael Jackson."
Brian's Third Opinion: Name names, but make shit up... maybe use a director who rejected you for a part. Hey, you just won an Oscar... see how far you can push things before your career instantly implodes.

9:24
Brian writes: Tom Hanks’ entire face is sagging… it’s as if a bowling ball is dangling from his chin.
TSO: Man, I have had it with this guy. How many GREAT movies has he made? Two? IMDB's got 37 films to his credit. That's a really crappy ratio.
BTO: Yes, but he's hosted SNL like three thousand times... that should count for something, methinks.

10:05
Brian writes: I loved The Days of Wine & Ro and Victor / Victo; long live ake Edwards!
TSO: akes me wish I had a widescreen TV. What a load of shi
BTO: Damn, Tommy just nailed the punchline that I totally fucked up. That's why he makes the big bucks.

11:03
Brian writes: Jamie Lee Curtis’ breasts have varicose veins. Nasty.
TSO: ...and they go all the way down to her penis. Gross.
BTO: That JLC-was-born-a-man is one of the most bizarre Hollywood urban legends of all time. Although it would explain how she and Christopher Guest are a couple.

Thank you for cleaning up my spills, Tommy.

I should also note that I came in second place in my Oscar pool, losing by 1. Damn LOTR sweep...

The Oscars finally ended about half an hour ago, and damn, were they boring! Regardless, here's my show diary...

8:00: Apparently the pre-show starts now, not the actual show… already this fucks up my Oscar pool, since our tiebreaker question is “What time will the show end?” I put 11:28… I should’ve put 11:58. Thankfully it’s the 76th annual show, which isn’t a multiple of 5, so we won’t have to put up with stupid retrospectives… or will we?

8:29: I’ve watched about 5 minutes of pre-show, and this Billy guy inside the auditorium has made the following people terribly uncomfortable: Alec Baldwin, Sandra Bullock, Ben Kingsley, Renee Zellweger, Nicole Kidman, Johnny Depp,and Keisha Castle-Hughes. Where did they find this chump? The Ryan Seacrest Reject Factory?

8:30: Sean Connery opens the show saying “for more than 100 years, people have been fascinated by movies.” And for 40 years, people have been fascinated by his eyebrows… they move seemingly without purpose!

8:36: The Magic of Movie montage – decent; Billy’s impression of Jack – awful.

8:39: That joke about the differences from 13 years ago was fresh about 13 comedians ago.

8:46: Is Peter Weir married to Cheryl Hines?

8:47: Cut to Marc Shaiman blowing kisses to the camera. Wait, he’s gay?

8:51: Tim Robbins wins; I’m 1-for-1 in my pool. And he seems to have found a surefire way to avoid the orchestra cue: discuss sexual abuse. Future winners, take note.

8:53: 23 minutes in, only 1 award. At this rate I should’ve guessed 5:18am.

9:01: LOTR wins its first, Art Direction… gonna be a long night for them. And is the gray-haired guy Peter Jackson in disguise? Calm down, I’m sure you’ll be up there later in the night.

9:02: Peter Jackson is so fat, he can’t button the top button of his shirt or tighten his tie. Kinda sad.

9:05: Robin Williams playfully butchers the names of the Best Animated Film nominees by using a playful lisp. Way to destroy their one moment of glory.

9:06: Triplets was robbed. Take that, France… that’s for not sending troops to the Middle East!

9:07: Sounds of Oscar = Instant Replay. Who are they trying to kid?

9:11: It’s official: I’m evil… all I can think right now is “Please, Renee, trip and fall down the stairs.”

9:19: Aghdashloo looks just like Catherine Zeta-Jones. Eerie resemblance.

9:21: Renee wins, and it looks like she’s still looking for a place to store those nuts for winter. Better get a move on… it’s March already.

9:24: Tom Hanks’ entire face is sagging… it’s as if a bowling ball is dangling from his chin.

9:25: Why are they playing the Forrest Gump theme for the Bob Hope tribute? Are they implying he was a retard?

9:33: Damn, Billy Zabka didn’t win… they didn’t even show his face. Guess there will be no “Sweep the leg” jokes tonight.

9:35: The other winner looks PISSED he didn’t get to talk. That’s it… their friendship is over.

9:37: Random Baldwin (non-Alec) sighting. Was it Billy or Daniel? Does anyone really care?

9:38: Liv Tyler is going with the Lisa Loeb look, and she pulled it off BIG TIME.

9:44: The back-up singers for “Scarlet Tide” look like they could be Senators.

9:56: Yawn. This isn’t my first yawn, but it’s the first one I’ve written down. This may be the most boring Oscar ceremony I’ve ever seen.

10:01: Jennifer Garner deserves an Oscar for acting interested throughout the entire tech awards.

10:02: Crap, Jim Carrey has leukemia again.

10:05: I loved The Days of Wine & Ro and Victor / Victo; long live ake Edwards!

10:15: It’s official: Bill Murray has the best line of the night for “We were refused.”

10:20: Was the first make-up winner in the poster for Meet the Deedles?

10:21: Sandra Bullock says “You were early.” Good one.

10:28: Sean Penn is not amused by Julia Roberts. But then again, is he ever?

10:33: The guy who played the crazy vet who works at Peterman in an episode of Seinfeld is a seatfiller… he’s sitting next to Zeta-Jones. I swear (thanks to DVR for rewind & pause so I could verify that). Well, that’s one way to go to the Oscars.

10:37: Oprah: “I love a great movie.” You know, for years I’ve been telling people just how much alike Oprah and I are… then she has to go and ruin it with a crazy statement like that.

10:45: Billy Crystal just gave a great follow-up with his “tax audit” joke. He does still have some life left in him.

10:47: The President of the Academy just said “Attixus,” then said “Attixus” again. Do all Presidents have problems talking?

10:50: Holy shit, Stan Brakhage died! Oh wait, I have no idea who that is. Nevermind.

11:00: I’m glad Julianne Moore was amused by Pierce Brosnan’s editing joke… she was the only one.

11:01: How did LOTR win Best Editing? It never ended! Damn bandwagoners…

11:03: Jamie Lee Curtis’ breasts have varicose veins. Nasty.

11:16: Jack Black’s jump-and-land-in-a-kneel would’ve been much cooler had he been wearing a cape. I’m just saying…

11:18: Would a song like “Flashdance” ever get a nomination these days, let alone win?

11:22: Canada wins Best Foreign Language Film. They should’ve named the movie The Barbarian Inv-eh-sion. Get it? (There you have it, my worst joke of the night)

11:31: LOTR won Adapted Screenplay? That’s it, it’s gonna be a clean sweep. Has that ever happened before?

11:33: Tim Robbins and Susan Sarandon: Academy Award-winning couple. That’s awesome.

11:42: Time for Best Director. Please let City of God win something…

11:43: Crap.

11:44: The woman who escorts the winners offstage is HOT! And she towers over Tom Cruise.

11:46: Can we safely admit that Adrian Brody’s career is over already? And he has a weird walk… it’s like the way a Ken doll would move.

11:48: Yeah Charlize… my dad and I have been expecting this since October 1996, when we saw 2 Days in the Valley.

11:59: Best Actor this year is the TOUGHEST CATEGORY EVER!!!

12:01: Wow, Penn got a HUGE ovation. Then he says it’s pretentious to write a speech. Way to slap any winner who has ever done that. He’ll never win again.

12:05: LOTR officially sweeps everything. Yawn.

That’s the end of the most boring Oscar ceremony ever (and the most boring Oscar diary ever).