Nothing like a little porn during the news...

I know the odds of this story being true are about a billion to one, but man, if it is...

You Heard It Here First
Today, June 29, 2004, is a day that will go down in infamy as the start of the downfall of VH1 Classic. Next week they are starting a show called "Classic Current" which will feature new videos from classic artists like Sting, Prince, etc., and they are previewing it during today's Tuesday Twoplay. While this in and of itself is not terrible news, it has opened the floodgates for the channel to play music from terrible 90s bands like the Lemonheads and crappy 90s Aerosmith. The designation of a classic should be that it came out prior to the previous decade... so the most recent classic should be from the 80s. Once we hit 2010, songs from the 90s can be classics. This rule would also prevent the utterly pointless I Love the 90s set to air next month (Remember when Britney Spears was wearing a school uniform in a video? Gee, it was so long ago...). For shame, VH1 Classic. What's next, commercials? Soon you'll be MTV2 all over again (I miss the launch of that channel when they played what was at that time all 19,000 videos ever made in alphabetical order).

So what the hell is wrong with Friendster lately? Is anyone else having problems with it? They try to improve it, but instead the layout is all fucked up, pictures are all over the place, it has trouble sending and receiving messages... should I even bother with it anymore? Or is it so "summer 2003" by now?

Sunday Subway Story
On a downtown Q train, a gangster-type white guy is trying to pick up an attractive, professional African-American woman. She obviously is having none of it, but is being nice in her rejection. He asks her name, and she responds by asking his name.
"Universal," he replies.
"Universal? That's an unusual name. Why were you named that?" she asks.
"Because I defy description," he replies.
I think that answer defies logic. Regardless, she left the train solo.

ESPN is doing a 2-hour documentary about the dumbest people in America...

I've heard of a hung jury before, but this may be the first instance of a "hung" judge (ba dum dum)...

Idiot’s Guide to Fantasy Baseball

Tip of the Week:
Make sure that when you’re attempting to acquire a player, you check his first name (or at least first initial). You don’t want to make the common mistake of picking up outfielder Hideki Matsui when you need Kaz Matsui to fill your hole at shortstop, because you won’t be able to use Hideki at that position. Similar problems can happen with players with the last name Rodriguez, Jones, and Gonzalez.

Did You Know?
If you’re looking for someone to help you in the walks category, you might want to consider Barry Bonds. Most people focus on his home runs, but if you check his stats, he’s actually leading the league in walks… by a wide margin! Chances are he’s not available in the free agent pool, but if he is, I’d pick him up immediately.

Pick to Click:
You may be hesitant to pick up Mark Prior these days. After all, it’s almost the All-Star break and he only has 1 win. But the reason that number is so low is that he missed two whole months due to injury. He’s still an above-average pitcher, so go ahead and roll the dice on him.

Steal of the Week:
Alex Rodriguez. His numbers are very good (.292 avg., 18 HR, 14 SB), but he also has eligibility at both SS and 3B, two positions that are generally lacking good players. Grab him if you can.

Hot:
Jim Thome, 1B, Philadelphia. He’s hitting .320 with 24 HR and 50 RBI. That’s power.

Scott Rolen, 3B, St. Louis. He leads baseball with 71 RBI, along with a .336 average and 17 HR. Would make an excellent pick-up.

Not:
John Flaherty, C, New York Yankees. Not only is his batting average a lowly .161, but he doesn’t even play every day! You’d be much better off going with the Yanks’ other catcher, Jorge Posada.

Mo Vaughn, 1B, New York Mets. Even though the Mets are paying him $15 million in 2004, he has yet to play a game this season. There are other first basemen who can get you more points, such as Todd Helton.

So of all the celebrity sex tapes that have appeared, one with Survivor's Jenna Lewis probably ranks near the bottom of the totem pole... but I'm gonna link to it anyway.

Looks like Richard Marx has had a Ricky Martin makeover.

Great news! According to Entertainment Weekly, Undeclared will be released on DVD... and on the Freaks and Geeks message board, there is a post by creator Judd Apatow on May 28 confirming it. If it's half as good as the Freaks and Geeks set put out, then it will be mine... MINE!

Tentative Brian Wilson U.S. Tour Dates Announced!
What a glorious way to start the weekend... finding out Brian Wilson will be playing Smile live in NY on October 12 & 13. Venues still TBA, but you can bet I'll be there no matter where it takes place.

These Are the People I Write For
A co-worker discovered this Holla Back, regarding our booking Jon Heder on the show in character as Napoleon Dynamite and planting him on the street for a Random VJ segment, on the TRL message board yesterday:
"[monday's] trl was hilarious because damien didn't realize that that guy napoleon dynamite is actually in a movie called napoleon dynamite with hilary duff's sister. too funny!"

Great quote in yesterday's New York Times review of Dido's concert at the Beacon:
- "[Dido] has figured out a way to make music that is no better, but also no worse, than silence."

Damn, I just changed my template and lost all my comments. Oh well, guess it's time for a fresh start...

Congratulations to Velvet Revolver!
Contraband officially landed at #1 on the Billboard chart, selling over 256,000 copies in its first week. Now let's just hope my bosses keep their promise and book them on the show...

Anyone Wonder...
- what Full House's Dave Coulier is up to these days? Here's your answer.
- if the tiny space between the platform and the subway on the downtown 2/3 section of the Times Square subway station is big enough to fit a grown man's foot? As a matter of fact, it is, because a guy getting off my subway car managed to stick his foot in it, get his leg sucked into the gap, and toppled over, then panicked when he had trouble removing it. After some assistance from helpful onlookers, he escaped without injury (I of course didn't help, as I was too busy staring and laughing).
- if you're the only one who despises Rob Schneider's film career? This review of Around the World in 80 Days contains the line "Rob Schneider shows up as a San Francisco bum, but I would like to think of that as career foreshadowing."

Read Rolling Stone's 50 Moments That Changed the History of Rock & Roll. And out of 50 moments (only 21 of which were given actual dates instead of months or seasons), 3 happened on my birthday, August 17: the last day of Woodstock, Bruce Springsteen playing the Bottom Line in 1975 (the dates were not stated in the issue but 8/17 was the date of the final gig) and the filming of Nirvana's "Smells Like Teen Spirit" video. Statistically, there is only a 1 in 7.305 chance of any of them happening on my birthday. Add those to the list of celebs born on that day (Sean Penn, Robert DeNiro, Davy Crockett, Jim Courier, Belinda Carlisle, Mae West) and that Lou Gehrig played in his record 1,308th consecutive game this day in 1933 and that the Beatles replaced Pete Best with Ringo on this day in 1962, and I think we can all admit that August 17 is the best day EVER!

I feel there were some pretty big omissions in the issue:
- Beatles playing on Ed Sullivan
- Blondie recording "Rapture" (rap wouldn't have been as big without it)
- The Day the Music Died (killed Richie Valens, Buddy Holly, and The Big Bopper and inspired "American Pie")
- The creation of CDs
- Elvis' comeback special (the creative spark of MTV's Unplugged or any acoustic jams)
- Pink Floyd recording "Dark Side of the Moon"
- Alanis Morissette recording "You Oughta Know" (more important than the Lilith Fair)
- Wham! performing in China in April 1985 (becoming the first English-speaking pop group to do so)
Then again, that's just me...

Went to amFAR Rocks last night at Tavern on the Green, and my crazy friend won a silent auction for an autographed picture of Larry Thomas... winning bid: $250. Who, you ask, is Larry Thomas? Why he's the Soup Nazi, of course. Yes, an autographed napkin with a lipstick kiss from Britney Spears went for $300, while my friend paid $250 for a menacing picture of the Soup Nazi with the inscription "No Soup for You! Larry Thomas, "Soup Nazi." It's a good thing he's a well-paid investment banker, but it makes me question his investment advice.

Also interesting to note that one of the items auctioned off was a tour for 2 of the MTV studios led by John Norris and seats to a TRL taping. The high bid when I last checked was $375 (the placard claimed the retail value as "priceless"). I was tempted to write down the names and numbers of the losing bidders and offer them the same deal (with me instead of John Norris) for the bargain price of $50, but didn't. However if any of you are out there, drop me a line...

Finally, the celeb factor was decidedly small (I think because the premiere of Fahrenheit 9/11 was also last night and drew much bigger names). Sadly, I think people were most excited to see Carson Kressley (of Queer Eye fame). Do you think that nowadays if someone mentions the name "Carson," he's who comes to mind most often? It's definitely not Johnny, and I think he may have surpassed Daly at this point. That's very bothersome to me.

By the way, the verdict on Dodgeball is that it's basically Happy Gilmore but with Vince Vaughn instead of Adam Sandler, Ben Stiller instead of Christopher McDonald, it's about dodgeball instead of golf, and it's not nearly as funny (which is sad because I'm not wild about Happy Gilmore to begin with). I wasn't expecting a great movie, but this thing was so predictable, and Ben Stiller was so bad, and it's definitely not the type of humor these guys are good at. Regardless, I'm sure it'll rake in the dough.

The secret band that will be in Mark Burnett's answer to American Idol has been revealed to be... INXS?!? Is anything sacred anymore? And does anyone besides me really care about INXS anymore? Still, there's burning out, there's fading away, and now apparently there's deciding to become a karaoke band. Very sad.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MARY-KATE AND ASHLEY!

The Olsens are finally 18.
The hunt is on.

R.I.P., Ray Charles. As someone who took piano lessons for 12 years, blind pianists like him and Stevie Wonder never ceased to amaze me. It's hard enough to play with the music right in front of, let alone without looking at the music, let alone without looking at the keys. But to compose music without being able to write it down and look back at it boggles the mind. He sure was talented.

This week's issue of Time Out New York has an article about David Hasselhoff releasing a rap album under the name "Hassel the Hoff," produced by Ice-T. Since that is not the most reliable source, and the story sounds more than ridiculous, I did some research... and sure enough, it's true. The world is officially coming to an end.

Going to a screening of Dodgeball in about 2 hours... so soon I will know if watching this terrible-looking movie about guys getting hit in the head with a dodgeball will be more or less painful than actually getting hit in the head with a dodgeball.

Guess what I am now holding in my hands? That's right... VELVET REVOLVER'S "CONTRABAND" CD!!! And it's on pace to enter Billboard at #1... TRL, get ready to ROCK!!!

Pee-Wee's Playhouse is finally coming to DVD!

I have some sad news to inform you about... I just learned that one of my favorite bloggers, Koolgrrrl, was killed on her way back from the Celine Dion concert in Vegas. Car crash. Tragic. I'd been wondering why she hadn't posted in several months. Anyway, as sad as it is, I guess it's better that she died on her way back instead of on the way there, because at least she saw the show and presumably died happy.

Near, far, wherever you are...
Koolgrrrl, you will be missed.

Since I really have nothing else to write about today, here's a list of my 10 favorite movies of all time (listed alphabetically):
1) Amadeus
2) Beetlejuice
3) City Lights
4) City of God
5) Fargo
6) Fast Times at Ridgemont High
7) Raging Bull
8) Requiem for a Dream
9) Searching for Bobby Fischer
10) Singin' in the Rain
Oldest movie on list: City Lights
Newest movie on list: City of God
Number of movies in black & white: 2
Number of Chaplin movies that potentially could've made this list: 3
Number of times I was shown Amadeus in a class in high school: 4
Number of times I saw the entire movie in high school: 0
Number of times I've seen Beetlejuice: 64 (at last count)
Number of people I know who didn't get that the "this is a true story" tag at the beginning of Fargo is a joke: countless
Number of comedies on my list: 5
Number of comedies featuring Marlon Wayans: 0
Number of dramas featuring Marlon Wayans: 1
Amount of money you'd have to pay me to see Marlon Wayans' newest movie, White Chicks: at least $500
Number of listed films for which I own the soundtrack: 2
Actor who appears in the most movies on this list: William H. Macy (2)
Number of good movies Joan Allen has been in since Searching for Bobby Fischer: 5
Number of good movies Max Pomeranc has been in since Searching for Bobby Fischer: 0
Number of consecutive weeks City of God has been playing in a Manhattan movie theater: 71
Highest grossing film on the list: Beetlejuice
Current lowest price for a copy of the book Fast Times at Ridgemont High on Half.com: $71.76
Number of letters I've written to Cameron Crowe in the hope he'd send me a free copy of the book: 1
Number of responses I've gotten: 0

Eminem, low blow making fun of Axl. Come on, I expect much better from you...

Has anyone else noticed that the Snapple commercial titled "The Robot" doesn't make any sense? The robot kills a female bottle and drinks her Snapple innards, spilling the liquid all over itself in the process, and is fine. Yet when the police bottles spray it with a water hose, it short-circuits. Why didn't the female Snapple innards cause it to short-circuit? If it can survive one, it should be able to survive both. Tsk tsk, Snapple script supervisors.

P.S. I love the sound the robot makes when it's drinking the Snapple... "yumyumyum"

When I was in Long Beach, I heard a report on the radio that Def Leppard will be releasing an album of 70s covers in September. This cannot be a good idea. Even though I'm a big fan of the Lep, I've made it clear how much I despise covers. But it got me thinking... as bad as most of them are, what are some of the absolute worst covers of all time?
- Madonna's "American Pie"
- Mandy Moore's "God Only Knows"
- Limp Bizkit's "Faith"
- Britney Spears' "I Love Rock & Roll" (losing further points because she said in interviews that the original was sung by Pat Benatar)
- Guns N Roses' "Sympathy for the Devil"
- Billy Idol's "L.A. Woman"
- Ataris' "Boys of Summer"
- Bloodhoung Gang's "Along Comes Mary"
- Orgy's "Blue Monday"
- t.A.t.U.'s "How Soon Is Now"
- Good Charlotte's "If You Leave"
- System of a Down's "The Metro"
- Duff sisters' "Our Lips Are Sealed"
- Leif Garrett's "Surfin' USA"
I know I've left off tons of them, but I do actually have to get some work done... so this is a start.

I know that, like the rest of us, David Hasselhoff is trying to cope with the break-up of Creed... but drinking is not the way to handle his grief.

By the way, Sway's annoucement of the break-up on Friday's show would only have been more entertaining had the audio department been able to insert a sound effect of crickets chirping. You be the judge:
Sway: "So, y'all know Creed, right?"
(2 seconds of awkward silence)
or
Sway: "So, y'all know Creed, right?"
(1 second of awkward silence, then "chirp chirp")

Our producer guaranteed that if Velvet Revolver's CD reaches #1 on the Billboard chart, they will be booked to perform on TRL. So that means starting tomorrow, everyone go out and buy at least 5 copies of Contraband.

Do it.

And if you need to be further persuaded, it's streaming on mtv.com, so give a listen, especially "Fall to Pieces" (which is a crossover hit if I ever heard one).

This list of the 50 Greatest Song Parts is bizarre and definitely missing countless great moments (how can you even narrow this down to 50?), but worth reading if you've got 10 minutes of free time.

Make sure you watch this Friday's TRL for this incredible sound byte during Sway's MTV News piece:
"I was gonna call it 'Inside My Head,' which is cool because it's, like, deep."
- Avril Lavigne, on coming up with album titles.
Yes Avril, you are deep. Like, you know, for sure!

Yet another thing I wrote for TRL that will never see the light of day... this one was for the Wednesday's Live Hit, which was described in the format as "Ashlee Simpson and Amanda Bynes tease each other":

ASHLEE
-WHAT’S UP, I’M ASHLEE SIMPSON

AMANDA
-AND I’M AMANDA BYNES
-TODAY WE’RE GONNA BE ON TRL

ASHLEE
-HEY AMANDA, HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED THAT YOU HAVE A LOT OF FRECKLES?
-YOU REALLY SHOULD STAY OUT OF THE SUN

AMANDA
-MAYBE I WOULDN’T HAVE THAT PROBLEM
-IF MY NOSE COULD THROW SHADE OVER MY WHOLE BODY LIKE YOURS DOES

ASHLEE
-THAT’S FUNNY
-BY THE WAY, I SAW “WHAT A GIRL WANTS”
-AND WHAT THIS GIRL WANTS IS FOR YOU TO DROP DEAD

AMANDA
-LOOK, IF JESSICA GOT ALL THE TALENT IN YOUR FAMILY
-I’M SURPRISED YOU CAN EVEN PEE WITHOUT FALLING IN THE TOILET

ASHLEE
-AT LEAST I DON’T THINK I’M LINDSAY LOHAN

AMANDA
-AT LEAST CARSON DIDN’T FUCK ME IN THE POO HOLE!

ASHLEE
-ANYWAY, GET THOSE LAST MINUTE VOTES IN

AMANDA
-AND KEEP IT LOCKED
-CAUSE TRL STARTS AT 5

I also have to say that Ashlee's performance is one of the worst live performances I've ever heard. She sounded like a goose... a tone-deaf goose. Everyone on staff was cringing. Brilliant television.

Gotta take time out of my work here to post this link... someone was smart enough to play both Nickelback hits over each other, and yes, they are in fact exactly this same song...