Stand Tall, Stand Proud
"The Boz" went from the champion Sooners to the Seahawks to the chorus in "Voices that Care" to Stone Cold to... this.

More sad news... after losing in the first round of the U.S. Open last night, Todd Martin announced his retirement. I was always a huge fan of Old Man Martin... he never won a Grand Slam, was never #1, but he always made it fairly deep into tournaments, and even if he more often than not lost to higher-ranked players, he always held his own. I was crushed when he blew the 2-sets-to-1 lead over Agassi in the '99 U.S. Open final... after that match, I knew he'd never have another chance to win an Open. But I never thought he'd still be playing competively 5 years later. He was a hard worker, a good player, and a respected, well-liked guy. Enjoy your retirement!

All non-essential freelancers in my building are not to come to work today or tomorrow due to the RNC (finally, the Republicans do something good for me), and I'm about as non-essential as they come, so since I'm out of the office, posts may be few and far between. However, I just had to note the passing of Laura Branigan over the weekend (I guess God really did have her number). It's mind-boggling to know that "Gloria" was the #1 pop single for 36 weeks! She was only 47, and she will be missed... and let this be a lesson to all of you: if you have a headache for 2 weeks straight, please seek medical attention.

Seeing as how I work for MTV, I may as well make a few comments (er, questions) about last night's boring VMA's:
- Why did Beyonce look like the Cowardly Lion?
- Is Hooba-stunk too obvious a joke to describe their horrifically off-key performance?
- Where can I get one of LL Cool J's t-shirts with the TV in it?
- When did the members of Linkin Park get so fat?
- When will people realize that Ashlee Simpson shouldn't be allowed to sing in public?
- Why did The Flaming Lips' Wayne Coyne stoop so low to participate in the terrible show?
- What was Bruce Willis doing hanging around with P. Diddy? Is it now a law that if you were romantically involved with Demi, you have to be friends with Diddy?
- Why is Velvet Revolver good enough to be used in the music bed going to commercial (at 8:52pm) but not good enough to ever have their video played?
- When will the rest of the world realize that Polyphonic Spree sounds no better or worse than the music in Waiting for Guffman?
All in all, a very disappointing waste of 3 1/2 hours (luckily I didn't see the pre-show).

Way to Represent
So first, Road Rules embarrasses me by having the annoying beefcake Patrick hail from my college (UPenn) and the new slut girl Jillian hail from my hometown (Coral Springs, FL). Then the VMA's, held in Florida for the first time, sucked. Now comes this story about a Florida company's toys depicting 9/11 events. I'm so proud.

My Brian Wilson tickets came... both pairs. So I'll be sitting 5th row. If anyone wants to buy the pair in the 1st Tier, let me know.

VH1 Classic just played four consecutive videos that feature lame dialogue-based preambles to the songs: Van Halen's "Hot for Teacher," Twisted Sister's "I Wanna Rock," Poison's "Fallen Angel," and Huey Lewis & the News' "Power of Love." "Fallen Angel" is by far the worst offender:

(Family sits at a dinner table, eating)
Son: Great meal, mom!
(Mom nods)
Daughter: (poking at her food) Dad, I need to talk to you.
Dad: Sure, honey.
Daughter: I've decided to move.
Dad: (takes another bite of food) Move? Where?
Daughter: California
(Dad looks like he's about to have a heart attack)

I miss the 80s so much!

German doctors can now grow jaws out of people's backs. That's so cool.

I finally have phone service in my apartment. The phone guy unexpectedly came at 9:30 this morning (as I was in the shower), acted as if he didn't know this was the 5th day of my phone saga, and activated service in less than 10 minutes. I now look forward to arguing with AT&T's billing department over the 4 days of service I should not be charged for and the potential for them to pay my cell phone bill, as I've burned 147 peak minutes on the phone with their customer service since Monday.

If ever something was both the funniest thing you've ever seen and the saddest thing you've ever seen, the story of Michele Ivey's obsession with Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles on VH1's Totally Obsessed is it. Watch it the next time it's on. Trust me.

On VH1 Classic: Paul Carrack, "Don't Shed a Tear."
Officemate: "He was everywhere. Squeeze, Mike & the Mechanics, solo. He's like the 'cooler' Phil Collins."
Me: "Everyone in the world is the 'cooler' Phil Collins."

There's a horrible article on Page 2 of ESPN.com, claiming that racism is "the only explanation for the near-universal hatred of our Olympic basketball team." Nice generalization. As long as we're writing gross exaggerations, how about this one: Jason Whitlock has written the worst article I have ever read. And at least mystatement has some semblance of truth.

Some Quick Moving-Related Notes
Original day AT&T service was scheduled to be hooked up in my new apartment: Monday
Time AT&T Customer Service told me phone would be working, after a call to complain about lack of service on Monday night: by Tuesday, 5pm
Actual time phone guy showed up: Wednesday, 11am
Time phone guy left: Wednesday, 12:00pm
Time he said I would have a dial-tone: by Wednesday, 5pm
Time I called AT&T Customer Service to complain I had no dial-tone: Wednesday, 5:15pm
Time they told me I would have a dial-tone: by Wednesday, 11:59pm
Time I called AT&T Customer Service again to complain I still had no dial-tone: today, 10am
Time they told me I would have a dial-tone: by today, 5pm
Time I will actually have a dial-tone: ???
Time of my Time-Warner Cable appointment: Wednesday 12-4pm
Time the cable guy showed up: 3:45pm
Time he finished the job: 5:07pm
Number of new DVR boxes I requested to replace my broken one: 1
Number of new DVR boxes the cable guy brought: 0
Number of wires cable guy forgot to set-up before loading all of his equipment back into the truck: 1
Number of times cable guy used my bathroom during my appointment: 2
Number of angry phone calls I got from co-workers for not coming into the office yesterday: 3

If you don't like having to wait for each day's NY Post to get your fix of photos of drunken celebrities, you'll like this site...

The upcoming movie Team America has been getting a ton of press lately, including a cover story in Sunday's New York Times Arts & Leisure section. I just watched the trailer, and even though there's only 1 line of dialogue, it looks incredible. If it's at least as funny as a typical episode of South Park, it could be phenomenal.

Larry King's interview with Brian Wilson was an embarrassing display of poor research, a lack of listening, and general stupidity on Larry's part. Some of the lowlights:
- "You harmonized well?" (re: the Beach Boys)
- "And how about Mike Love. He was a friend?" (this was asked several minutes after Larry read off a card that Mike is Brian's cousin)
And, the worst offense...
- "Do you write your own songs?"

Could Be Worse
I would complain about what a pain-in-the-ass moving was this weekend (the whole 20 yards down the street), but at least I'm not my sister, who got her toe caught in the escalator at the new SoHo Bloomingdales and had her toenail ripped off, or my roommate, who got hit by a cab walking to the subway this morning, flew through the air, and landed on his back, needing stitches on the back of his head. I hope they both have swift recoveries.
And apparently my roommate's shoe flew off from the impact, and nobody was able to find it... so if anyone discovers a random shoe on the corner of 75th and Amsterdam, please let me know.

"Bullets, Not Boobs."
- porn star / former gubernatorial candidate / former high school classmate of mine, Mary Carey.

I'm Definitely SMILEing... At Least for Now
Tickets for Brian Wilson performing Smile in its entirety at Carnegie Hall went on sale this morning, and as expected, the traffic was too much for their website to handle. So after finally ordering 2 tickets in the first tier (for myself and Sticking Point Tommy), I managed to get through on the phone and land 2 tickets on the floor in the 5th row! I clicked a button on the website that claims it can cancel the online order, but got no confirmation, and since the order number is the same for both, I'll either a) end up with both pairs and sell the worse ones, b) end up with just the 5th row seats, or c) get neither and kill myself. Go b!

The headline Aborted Baby's Head Left Inside Woman says it all... but just in case, luckily there's a picture.

This game is a lot of fun and a great way to kill time... plus, according to its scoring system, I'm a "Pretty Cool Guy." And that's always nice to hear...

This article has some great classic ESPN clips, bloopers, commercials, etc.

Those Crazy Japanese
It's been a while since I've linked to anything porn-related, so here's perhaps the strangest, funniest porn (or non-porn) website ever.

Something Good Actually Came Out of Alien vs. Predator
I'd heard about this years ago and didn't think it would ever actually get made. Dunno if it'd be any good, but anything to give Bruce Campbell more work is fine with me... and maybe if it's a success, it'll pave the way for Chucky vs. Leprechaun... or Pinhead vs. Leatherface. So many possibilities...

I seem to be the only person my age who dislikes the Darkness (what's so good about a singer with a voice like nails on a chalkboard?), so this story is particularly funny to me, but I think everyone can enjoy it.

Bloggers, way to stick it to The Man!

Any musicians who released their first album on the day I was born are now officially eligible to enter the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame.

Reason #49 Not To Get a Tattoo While Drunk
I met a guy at a party over the weekend who got the state of Florida (in what looks like green Sharpie) on the top of his left foot. He also has "SOUTH" spelled out across his toes, which I thought was meant to be the key for the map, but I later found out that he has "DIRTY" spelled across the toes on his other foot (the fact that Florida does not qualify as part of the Dirty South is another issue entirely).

Things I've Learned the Past Few Weeks at Work
- Anne Hathaway has a major problem with sweaty pits. Her nipples are also overly-sensitive to the cold. And she's almost certainly a lesbian.
- When Quddus reads the word "adjective" off of a cue card, he makes it rhyme with "objective."
- Tom Cruise is either the nicest celebrity on the face of the earth, or he acts like he is (although my money is that he's genuine).
- Vanessa Carlton's socks are sweatier after 10 seconds of moonwalking than mine are after an hour-long workout.
- More TRL viewers tune in to see New Found Glory than to see the cast of Collateral.
- If you ever find yourself in a room with Jet Li and want to laugh, ask him to say the word "happy." He pronounces it "High-pee." If discussing the movie Hero, however, do not ask him who his hero is ("No hero! Just me!").

Cheers and Jeers from Last Night's CSN Concert
Jeers to LI public transportation. The train from Penn Station arrives into Freeport Station at 7:19, just as the 7:20 bus to Jones Beach Theater leaves. Not another train until 8:10... concert starts at 8. With 20,000 people coming to the theater, shouldn't there be buses running nonstop instead of every 50 minutes? We had to share an insanely overpriced taxi with 3 other strangers to get to the venue on-time.
Cheers to my friend Amy. She got free tickets 6 rows from the stage and backstage passes.
Cheers to the band. They sounded great.
Jeers to Stephen Stills. When he sings, he sounds like he has no tongue.
Jeers to man breasts. Nash has them. Crosby's are even bigger. Not a good look.
Cheers to Graham Nash. He was very friendly and appreciative when I talked to him backstage. Although I think it's just because he's interested in Amy. Nevertheless...
Cheers to the kindness of strangers. After we left the backstage party, we realized the buses back to the train station had stopped running. As we were about to hop into another overpriced cab, a couple we had talked to backstage offered us a ride to the station, then ended up taking us all the way back to Penn Station. Very cool.
Jeers to strangers who turn out to be creepy. The ride and conversation were perfectly pleasant until I brought up Governor McGreevey (the couple was from Jersey) and the driver goes off on a rant about how everyone in the world who is angry is simply a "repressed faggot" (much to the chagrin of his embarrassed wife). Luckily we had just gotten through the Midtown Tunnel, so we only had to endure about 5 minutes of this.

I Never Thought This Happens in Real Life
Yesterday on the show, "TRL favorite" Vanessa Carlton actually read her own name off the cue card, not realizing her name was simply there to cue her as to where in the script to start...

I'm the reigning office champion of Lightning Reaction... after about a dozen rounds, I was the only person who hadn't been shocked (this is roughly the equivalent of being King of the Idiots). Although once everyone stopped playing and VJ Vanessa convinced me to shock myself just to be part of the team, I was the only one stupid enough to pass the controller from one hand to the other to get a double-shock instead of simply dropping it or holding onto it...

Well this is one way to ensure a memorable wedding...

Not to name drop, but my cousin made the front page of yesterdays' Arts section of the New York Times...

Does anyone else think that Adam Levine's vocals on the new Maroon 5 song, "She Will Be Loved," sounds just as robotic as the vocals on "One More Time" by Daft Punk?

A Macy Gray's greatest hits album should be the shortest CD since Fine Young Cannibal's Finest.

The fact that even the voice-over actors for The Simpsons are dissing the show speaks volumes... although I would say its decline started closer to 6 years ago than 3.

I Missed the (Party) Bus
Friday, just after 7pm, I'm walking east on 75th St. between B'way and Amsterdam with two co-workers. Immersed in conversation, we don't notice the giant, decked out bus driving past us, heading west... that is, until I hear someone banging on the bus window. I look up just in time to see a very hot, very topless girl waving at us (er, at me, since my friends didn't look up in time). My reflexes too slow, I simply stared as the bus drove past.
"Did you see that? There was a naked girl in there!" I said to my companions.
"What?" they both replied at the same time.
We turned around just in time to see the bus (which had Party Bus written in big black letters on the back) turn north on Broadway and leave our lives forever. So if anyone knows the location of Party Bus (or simply of the hot naked chick), let me know.

This morning, probably for the first time ever, there was a story about the University of Pennsylvania on the giant Times Square ABC / ESPN news ticker... seems that our basketball coach Fran Dunphy has been offered the head coach position at LaSalle... which I guess means it's more of a LaSalle story than a UPenn story, but I'll still take it.

Love is a beautiful thing...

ESPN.com, or at least its bastard stepbrother Page 3, gives a shout-out to TRL in this article about baseball players' bizarre choices for entrance music... but a better article simply lists every player's song. Denny Stark of the Colorado Rockies gets props for being the only player to request Stone Temple Pilots ("Vasoline").

It's official... Brian Wilson is playing Carnegie Hall! Woo-hoo!

Although a very simple concept, this is actually a great few minutes of animation (with a good soundtrack, too).

It's On Like Donkey Kong!
VH1's Inside(Out) - Hulk Hogan, Stage Dad is incredible! An hour of watching the Hulkster alternate between his aggressive, catchphrase-a-second persona and his doting-father persona. The man's a living Jeckyl & Hyde. There's no chance his daughter Brooke will ever be successful, but at least she's giving it a try, which resulted in this program.

P.S. Aaron Carter makes an appearance for no reason whatsoever, and wow, puberty has not been kind to him... pockmarks galore. How he managed to snag both Hilary Duff and Lindsay Lohan is beyond comprehension.

Pamela Anderson was on the show yesterday to promote her new book, Star. We did a Madlibs-style stunt with her, and when asked for a noun, she said "penis." Afterwards, Vanessa was talking to Kelly Clarkson backstage, complaining that we're not allowed to talk about the Janet Jackson Super Bowl incident but Pam Anderson is allowed to say "penis" when she comes on the show (in fact she is not... but that's another issue). At which point I had the following exchange with Kelly Clarkson:
Me: We've reached our "penis" quota for the day... so if you wouldn't mind toning it down a bit, just make sure not to say "penis" too many times when you're out there, that would be great."
Kelly: Oh yeah, like I'm gonna go out there and be like, "I love American Idol! And I love ass!"

Well if the orangutan boxing is gone, then what's the point of going to the zoo at all?

At least until South Park and Arrested Development return with new episodes, the funniest show on television is Da Ali G. Show. Sunday's show featured Borat singing a song "Throw the Jews Down the Well," and I can't remember laughing that hard in a long time (my rooommate actually laughed so hard he was rolling around on the floor). Unfortunately HBO didn't post that clip on their site, but there are some great clips up.

P.S. Speaking of Arrested Development, the New York Times had a great profile of the show's creator, Mitchell Hurwitz, in the Arts & Leisure section over the weekend. The previews they gave for next season sound hilarious, especially the idea of having David Cross' character cast as an understudy in Blue Man Group, forcing him to sit by the phone every afternoon in blue make-up in case he's called in. Genius!

I typically don't like Will Ferrell or think his Bush impression is anything noteworthy, but this is pretty good.

Not much to post today... but if you like Michael Jackson and have a Lego fetish, check this out.