Water, Water, Everywhere
Apartment update... so far the wall has been holding up nicely, but last week a leak developed in my living room ceiling. Came home from work last Monday to find that our futon was soaked from water dripping from above. My roommate filed a complaint in the maintenance log, but nobody came by to fix it, although the water did stop. Until Friday. Then it came down again. Much harder than before. A mini-El Nino in my apartment. Water damage is becoming quite noticeable.
On Saturday morning I ran into the super in the lobby and had this conversation:
Me: There's still water leaking from the ceiling in my living room.
Super: Yes, [the owner of the building] and I were up there on Thursday. The leak is not coming from the penthouse. It's coming from her terrace.
(awkward silence)
Me: Okay... well, are you gonna fix it?
Super: Oh yes, we'll fix it.
(awkward silence)
Me: Okay... well, when are you gonna fix it?
Super: Soon. We'll fix it soon.
(awkward silence, then he walks away and starts a conversation with another tenant)
So it remains to be seen when this problem will be addressed. Will keep you updated.

Didn't do my Oscar diary this year, and it's a good thing too, as there were very few noteworthy moments. I didn't even have a pen and paper to take notes, but here are a few things that stuck out in my mind:
- Chris Rock was nothing more than adequate. For some reason many of my co-workers thought that his introduction jokes were funny, especially the Tim Robbins one, while I found them predictable. His best line of the night was about next year's drive-through Oscar lane for the crap categories. I say bring back Steve Martin or get Conan O'Brien.
- When Alexander Payne and Jim Taylor accepted their award for Best Adapted Screenplay, and they started saying how they have been partners together for many years and both have amazing wives, was I the only one expecting them to say, "So there is no better time to tell the world that the two of us are madly in love with each other"? Would've been quite a moment.
- If you're gonna pair Penelope Cruz and Salma Hayek together, don't let them do voiceovers unless you have some way of identifying which one is speaking at any given moment.
- Funniest moment of the evening: Vin Diesel's hairpiece as he's filming the new Sidney Lumet movie. I'll never be able to sit through that movie for fear of laughing myself to death. It could feature a threesome with Kate Beckinsale and the Olsen twins and I'd still not be able to watch.
- Jeremy Irons's joke about the gunshot noise was funny, but would've been better had they cut to P. Diddy lying in a pool of his own blood.
- Highlight of the evening: I won my Oscar pool, nailing 17 of the 21 categories we voted on (sorry Short Films and Sound Editing).

TRL Moment of the Week (Missed Opportunity)
Man, did I blow it. Rachel Bilson was on the show on Wednesday, and during a commercial break we were prepping her on an interview question: “What band would you most like to have play on The O.C.?” Her answer was Kings of Leon. When I got home after work and flipped through the new issue of Time Out New York, I saw that Kings of Leon were playing at Webster Hall that very night. If only I had known that crucial piece of information four hours earlier, I’m sure it would’ve led to the following:
Segment Producer: So which band would you most like to have as a guest on The O.C.?
Rachel: Kings of Leon.
Segment Producer: That’s cool.
Me: Hey, did you know they’re playing at Webster Hall tonight?
Rachel: Really? That’s awesome. I’m gonna get my publicist to get me tickets. Wanna come with me?
Me: Sure.
We would go to the concert together, then head back to her hotel room and spend the night together. The next morning she would tearfully return to the set of The O.C., and I would go into the office and tell a few co-workers about what happened, but nobody would believe me. I’d swear it’s true and try to call Rachel, but it’d go straight to voicemail because she’s flying, and by the time she calls me back I’d be home. When she gets back to L.A. she’d immediately break things off with Adam Brody, leading to heavy tension on set. Rachel and I would try a long-distance relationship, but quickly discover that we need to be with each other all the time. I’d quit my job and move out to L.A. to be with her, since her contract prevents her from leaving the show and heading east. Once out there we’d live together happily, but I’d have a bitch of a time finding work, and all my frustration would boil over into our relationship, putting a huge strain on it. Eventually she would tell me that she needs her own space and break things off, although I’d tell people it was the other way around. I’d move back to New York and try to get my old job back, and they’d happily embrace me and even give me a raise. And things would eventually go back to normal, although I'd always hold a place in my heart for the greatest two weeks of my life.
But then again, this is all speculation...

I've been duped. A few weeks ago I ordered 3 boxes of Girl Scout Cookies from the daughter of one of the MTV control room crew. They arrived yesterday, and included with the cookies was the following note:

Thank you for buying Girl Scout Cookies from Brownie Troop ____. We are going to use the money we earned for a special trip and to help some needy people in our community.
We hope you enjoy your cookies. Thank you very much for supporting us in scouting.

Special trip? What the hell? I'm not paying inflated prices to pay for these girls' vacations or to subsidize their shopping sprees. All the money should be going to charitable causes, and if they don't like it, then maybe they're not Girl Scout material. What a gyp.

I almost forgot how much I loved Calvin & Hobbes. Comics haven't been the same since they ended. Fortunately, you can relive all those treasured moments here.

This is exactly why gorillas shouldn't eat their own shit and piss.
(Warning: VERY DISGUSTING!!!)

R.I.P., Hunter Thompson. He truly was one of the most unique literary voices of all time. He'll certainly be missed by me and his countless fans.
But at least he went out with a bang... check out his final column, which perfectly displays his combination of wit, eccentricity, and curiously sensible ideas. I would definitely watch this sport.

P.S. I just realized the horrible and unintended pun in my "out with a bang" comment... my apologies.

TRL Moment of the Week
Last Monday, we put Constantine star Shia LaBeouf through the Wringer, a series of random rapid-fire questions. It included this exchange:

Quddus: What's the grossest thing you've ever found on your body?
Shia: The grossest thing? My face. No… oh man, this is gonna get rough. A dingleberry.
(Cut to 2 girls in the audience looking confused. One mouths "What's a dingleberry?")
Quddus: A dingleberry? What's that?
Shia: It's when you don't wipe well. We'll talk about it later.

For all you budding cartoonists out there, you should brush up on these Laws of Cartoon Thermodynamics.

New Yorkers, this line-up for the Comedy Love Call is pretty damn impressive... and the tickets are pretty damn expensive.

All you Napoleon Dynamite fans, check out his Letterman Top Ten List: the Top Ten Signs You're Not the Most Popular Guy in Your High School. Heck yeah!

The current issue of Entertainment Weekly contains a feature on the 50 Greatest Love Songs of All Time. In a terribly flawed list that includes such "classics" as "Ain't No Mountain High Enough," "No Ordinary Love," "You're Still the One," "Kiss from a Rose," and "Love Will Keep Us Together," they did at least nail the #1:
The Beach Boys, "God Only Knows."

I'm sure you've all heard that Danica McKellar (Winnie from The Wonder Years) went to college and became a math whiz. But did you know that you can submit math questions to her? And she'll answer them with pretty clear explainations? Of course you don't... why would you? But it's true... and pretty cool (click on the "mathematics" section).

Grammy voters have officially replaced the Red States as the worst voters in the country. Last night was a travesty. Ray Charles dies, and suddenly an album that is universally agreed to be mediocre at best is suddenly worthy of 8 awards? John Mayer wins the Songwriter award for "Daughters," a song that is basically a sappy version of "Mama Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up To Be Cowboys" aimed at pre-pubescent girls? Maroon 5 beats Kanye West and Joss Stone for Best New Artist, even though their album came out 2 1/2 years ago (and they are nowhere near as talented)? "Vertigo" beats "Walkie Talkie Man" for Best Video? Please. And the show itself was a trainwreck. With the exception of the Janis Joplin tribute, Alicia Keys, Green Day, and Kanye, the performances blew. Whose bright idea was it to cram as many performers as possible into single performances? The opening mash-up was painful, the "Across the Universe" rendition for Tsunami relief was a huge waste of talent, and don't even get me started on the country montage with pseudo-Lynyrd Skynyrd. Plus the lazy writing for Queen Latifah, which basically crammed song titles into a boring monologue in a failed attempt to be funny ("Don't be an American Idiot... make sure your Daughters are watching... so now Let's Get It Started... Yeah!"). Almost everyone involved should be ashamed.

Save Arrested Development, currently the funniest 30 minutes on television, by signing this petition.

It's February 14th, which can only mean one thing...
Happy Birthday Grandma!

TRL Moment of the Week
Backstage yesterday, Super Bowl MVP Deion Branch was showing off his Super Bowl XXXVIII ring to the VJ's. The ring is enormous... I think he said it was 5.5 carats. After Deion let Damien try it on and pose for a photo with it, I pulled Damien aside.
Me: That ring is huge. It'd never fit on my fingers. I'd have to wear it as a cock ring.
Damien: Hey, we have the same cock size. High five!

One of my best friends from college who enlisted in the Army about a year ago was recently deployed to Iraq. I got this e-mail from him this morning:

Hey all,
Just wanted to drop a quick line to let you all know that I'm doing fine. I arrived in Iraq about a week ago and have just begun to settle in. We won't have internet access for a while (this email is being written on a borrowed computer/account), but eventually, our unit will be connected. Life here is different, but strangely familiar. The living conditions are much like when we deployed to Lousiana in that we're constantly on alert. Everywhere you go, it's "full battle rattle" or you aren't allowed to leave your building. Yes, this means that even if you need to use the latrines, you'll be wearing body armor, kevlar, and dragging along your weapon. In my opinion, it's a bit much, but you get used to it. As to the climate, it's chilly here during the day, and absolutely freezing at night. So, seeing as how most of our mission take place at night, these bones get cold on a daily basis. However, I can't complain. Accomodations are good, the food is even better, and I couldn't ask for better friends within my unit. Except for a couple flares of temper, we all get along very well.
As to the actual missions themselves, they are, without a doubt, boring, boring, boring. Essentially, we choose spots that have previously been areas of insurgent activity and overwatch them for countless hours. If nobody shows up, which is usualy the case, we pack it up and try again at a different location the next day. The guys we're replacing said that Haj won't start picking it up until the weather warms up a bit, but until that time, we're stuck hoping that he'll come out to play. Not that it's all play. In fact, it's scary as hell waiting out there in the middle of some pitch-black field, knowing that somewhere out there somebody is planning how best to kill you. But, we have the advantage. What with our nightvision, thermals, and long-range rifle...if we see Haj first, he doesn't stand a chance. Still, random stuff like fluttering birds and scurring wildlife gets your heart beating.
I hope all of you are doing well. I know that some people have been left off this email list, but that's because much of my gear (including the notebook with email addresses) is still in transit. If you could, please let those people know that I'll be in touch ASAP.My love to you all and I'll talk to you soon.
Staying safe,
K____
ps for those in AZ, Iraq's terrain and veg isn't much different. If you've ever driven to Tuscon, take away the cactus and mountains and that's Iraq (plus or minus some details).

I know he wrote this e-mail to reassure people that he's doing well, but it had completely the opposite effect on me. I'm more terrified for him than ever. This shit is real. His confidence in his squad is both a relief and a cause for dread. The last thing I want is for them to get sloppy due to overconfidence. Yes, our army is better equipped and better trained. But that hasn't stopped hundreds of soldiers from dying at the hands of Iraqis.
K____, take care of yourself and get home safely.

Anyone else catch the reference to The Office in last night's episode of Lost? During the flashbacks, Charlie asks his girlfriend where her father is, and she says he's probably "buying some paper company in Slough." What could that be, other than Wernham Hogg paper merchants, run by our good friend David Brent? Well played, Lost!

Let this be a lesson to all you ladies: pay your doctors' bills, or else your penis will grow back.

P.S. If the "woman" is one of the athletes pictured, I'm not sure how he/she fooled anyone to begin with.

Corey Feldman's comeback begins this Friday night. Can't wait! Although I bet Corey Haim is kicking himself that he wasn't friends with Jacko, too...

Here's a chance for you to catch up on some classic movies... at least in 30-second animated-bunny form.

TRL Moment of the Week
Having former President Bill Clinton utter the immortal words "TRL starts now!" on yesterday's show, an hour dedicated to Tsunami relief.
MTV is listing some pretty cool things (and some pretty lame things, too) as part of its Tsunami Response Auction. It helps to have deep pockets for most of them. But feel free to browse.

This baby, known as "The Little Mermaid," will have surgery to seperate her legs. And Wilmer Valderrama has volunteered to be the one to perform the procedure.
(ba dum dum)

Ah, those wacky Iraqis will try anything...

This Just In...
Having a fever sucks.