Judd Apatow has kept a diary this week on Slate. Not the most fascinating read, but Wednesday has a great story about him, Ben Stiller, and the Rolling Stones, and Thursday features a shout-out to Weird Al Yankovic.

So I subscribe to this British gossip newsletter (it's like the UK version of Gossiplist, but generally less interesting). However, today's issue had one of the most bizarre links I've ever come across. It leads to many unanswered questions:
1) Who in their right mind comes up with the idea of a mail-order sex-toy rental company?
2) Who in their right mind would willingly pay to borrow used sex toys?
3) Wouldn't it be just as cost-effective (and healthier) to spend the monthly fee on sex toys you can buy for yourself and not have to share?
4) Why is this company using a patent-pending cleaning process on their toys? Aren't STDs serious enough that they would use something that is proven to be effective?
I'm sure there are others, but I know I've spent more than enough time thinking about this.

"Jackass" Doesn't Begin to Describe...
Steve-O on Too Late with Adam Carolla. Drunk, obnoxious, destructive... that's more like it. But hey, why am I surprised?

Someone please give this girl $25...

Whip out your checkbooks to help out the victims of Hurricane Katrina and you could get a phone call from Brian Wilson.
Whip out something else, and that's your own business.

Can't wait to hear the new Franz Ferdinand album? Here ya go...

Wow, I didn't realize how awkward print interviews could be until I read this one with Stephen Colbert from yesterday's New York Times Magazine. Smooth sailing right up until the tenth question, and then BAM!

What's Second?
I've never watched Big Brother, so I'm not really familiar with how annoying Julie Chen is. Yet I still think this "But first" montage is hilarious.

Last night I went to a party for Found Magazine, which publishes items (mostly letter and photographs) that readers have found on the street. It's such a simple but brilliant concept. You can check out submissions on their website... there seems to be an endless supply if you keep clicking on "More Finds" on the right side of the page.

This made me laugh so hard, I peed my pants. Well, not actually... I mean, who do you think I am, Jenny McCarthy?

I'm Oscar. Dot com.
If you watched Monday's season premiere of Arrested Development (and not many of you did, because it apparently tanked in the ratings), you will appreciate this site. Entry #41 is the best.

Neil Young's new album is streaming here. I haven't had a chance to listen yet, but during React Now, MTV's Hurricane Katrina benefit, Chris Rock was excitedly telling people that he's name-checked in the lyrics to one of the songs. Happy hunting...

Thanks to my friend Mike for finding this old-school Nintento commercial for The Legend of Zelda. Few notes to the producers, though:
1) Your rap sucks.
2) Nobody called it the Nintendo Entertainment System.
3) Nice beatbox by the kid going "wicka wicka."
4) Parents will hook up the Nintendo? Really? My parents are clueless when it comes to technology.

The newest cast of The Surreal Life has been announced, and it includes members of the The Brady Bunch, Poison, and The Jeffersons, plus the greatest human windshield wiper ever, Tawny Kitaen. Nice!

Last night I officially began my boycott of current episodes of The Simpsons, and to be honest, I don't miss it at all. But in case I do get an urge, I can hold off thanks to this site a dear reader sent to me which is funnier than anything that's been on the show in years: clips of the season premiere with the "blind-assist" function turned on, so that an overly-excited voice narrates the action. Brilliant!
(Note: sadly, not all of the clips work)

Wild Like Children
Congrats are due to Tilly & the Wall. They played an amazing show last night at the Knitting Factory, headlining the Team Love CMJ show, and also have officially sold more than 10,000 copies of their album (as announced before their set by Conor Oberst), which is a huge accomplishment for a relatively new band on a small indie label with little (as in no) radio or TV exposure. Old songs sounded great, and new ones showed great promise... I can't wait to hear how they turn out on the next album, which will hopefully be out in early Spring. The show featured the most energetic audience I've seen at one of their gigs, yet the band remains as humble as always, stubbornly awed by the crowd response (let alone attendance) to their show. As their fanbase grows and hopefully 10,000 records sold turns into 100,000, let's hope they learn to recognize that they deserve it.


The gang's all here (almost)... from left to right: Derek, Jamie, Neely, and Kianna (not pictured: Nick, who was blocked from my view by the side of the stage... sorry Nick). Did they rock? As Derek's shirt says, "totally totally."


Not only do Neely and Kianna sing and look like sirens, but they can both jam on bass. In Kianna's words, it was "fucking sweet."

Get Bored or Cry Tryin'
To save my valued readers the hardship of finding out for themselves, here's a quick breakdown of the upcoming 50 Cent movie Get Rich or Die Tryin', which I saw yesterday:
-Take the movie Scarface.
-Replace Al Pacino with 50, who has one facial expression for all emotions.
-Instead of ending the movie when the main character gets shot a million times, add on the end of Hustle & Flow (but make it about 20 minutes longer).
-Include stupid voiceover such as "I never knew my father. All I knew is that he wasn't white. And he wasn't a cop, black or white."
-Oh, and remove anything remotely interesting, exciting, or dramatic.

Fox has got to stop trying to insert cute throwaway jokes into their hour-long dramas, because they are always, ALWAYS lame. They instantly cause me to tune out and never return. Out of two new shows I've tried watching this season, both have suffered from this malady.

First up was Prison Break. At the start of the show, when the main character is holding up the bank, he has this exchange with a teller:
Robber: Where's the bank manager?
Teller: He's having lunch at White Castle.
Robber: (incredulous) What!?!
Teller: It's a fast food restaurant that serves those mini-square hamburgers.
Click.

The next perpetrator? Reunion, which had this exchange between two friends who just graduated high school (in 1986).
Guy: I don't know, that seems a little too St. Elmo's Fire.
Girl: You cried during St. Elmo's Fire.
Guy: (stammering) I told you, it was ragweed season. There was a lot of pollen in the air.
Click.

Fortunately, I can still get my quality humor from South Park, which was just renewed for 3 more seasons and which finally won a well-deserved, long-overdue Emmy for Best Animated Show. Congrats!

Here's a quick story of one of the worst pick-up attempts I've ever witnessed.
It happened on Tuesday night at a bar that was holding a fundraiser for Hurricane Katrina... $20 for 4 hours of open bar. I was there with a bunch of co-workers. A couple hours into the night, I heard that one of the partiers had taken a liking to a female co-worker, but was too intimidated by her to do anything about it, claiming that she was out of his league. But after a few more drinks, his confience had been raised enough to allow him to approach her with this line:
"You know, I came here tonight for two reasons. One, to help the victims of Hurricane Katrina. And two, to find a nice Irish girl like you."
Needless to say, it was not a well-received opening. And she remains out of his league.

Hey hey hey, it's Fat Dynamite!

Who did you think it was? Gosh!

I pity the fool who won't watch I Pity the Fool.

I also pity the fool who greenlit it, as it's sure to be one of the worst shows of all time.

Nomer* Homer
That's it. I'm officially never watching a new episode of The Simpsons ever again. Last night's 17th season premiere was the last straw. I'm sick of them recycling material (the joke about Homer going to the outhouse and his cousin saying "We don't have an outhouse… my recording studio!" was used in part 2 of "Who Shot Mr. Burns" with Grandpa saying he's going to use the outhouse, Lisa saying they don't have one, and Homer exclaiming "My toolshed!"). I'm sick of storylines where Marge leaves Homer, finds a much better man, but goes back to Homer in the end. But the joke that really did it for me was this exchange:

(Homer in a boat is surrounded by a gang of menacing kids on jet-skis when Alec Baldwin's character pulls up in a boat)
Alec Baldwin's Character: I have this court order preventing you from riding those jet-skis.
Gang Leader: Your court order doesn't scare us. (beat) Oh my God, it's notarized. Let's get out of here!

Funny? Not by a long shot. And yet this type of joke is used over and over and over. And I'm sick of it.
So Simpsons, I wish you goodbye, good luck, and good riddance.

* (pronounced "no more")

Actually, this was my favorite moment from React Now: John Corbett looking like a cross between Fabio and the lead singer of Creed.

React Now... and how!
Saturday was a long (16-hour) day working at React Now, MTV's benefit for Hurricane Katrina. But I think we can unequivocally say that the show was a success (even the typically anti-MTV NY Times agreed). Performance highlights included Neil Young, Fiona Apple, Pearl Jam, Alan Jackson, Audioslave, Melissa Etheridge, Trent Reznor, Common, and Allen Toussaint. Lowpoints included Motley Crue f/ Chester Bennington, Rolling Stones, Paul McCartney, U2 (particularly Bono's awkward drum solo), Kanye West, and Maroon 5. You can watch all of the performances and download certain songs here.
Our show was in stark contrast to Shelter from the Storm, the telethon that aired on the 6 major networks on Friday night, which was filled with technical glitches, shots lingering on hosts looking confused after their reads, and unnecessary eavesdropping on phone calls (can Mandy Moore say anything other than "Oh my God"?)... the lone standout was Foo Fighters' killer take on "Born on the Bayou." React Now also hopefully redeemed MTV from the post-Live 8 backlash. I'm glad I could take part in an event that turned out so well and was for such a good cause.

An Unexpected Moment of Sincerity from LastStop
I will spend about 15 hours tomorrow working on React Now: Music & Relief, MTV's benefit show for the victims of Hurricane Katrina. It's 4 hours, commercial-free, almost entirely comprised of around 40 performances from MTV favorites like Kelly Clarkson, Alicia Keys, and Ludacris to rock acts like Pearl Jam, Audioslave, and Motley Crue to legendary acts like Brian Wilson, Rolling Stones, and Neil Young to country acts like Alan Jackson, Big & Rich, and Hank Williams Jr. You can watch it on any MTV channel (MTV, MTV2, MTVU, VH1, VH1 Classic, and CMT) starting Saturday night at 8pm. Please do (or at the very least Tivo or DVR it and fast-forward through the acts you don't like), and please donate whatever you can (money, clothes, blood, time) to help.

This video of Celine Dion doing a Michael Jackson impression is at least a couple months old, but I just saw it for the first time. And hopefully the last.

Your Mission, Should You Choose to Accept It
You MUST check out the new issue of Seventeen Magazine (the MTV Celebrity Special with Kristen from Laguna Beach on the cover). Specifically, pages 84-85. You don't even have to buy it... just go to a newsstand and flip to that page. I won't tell you why... you need to discover it for yourself. But believe me, it will BLOW YOUR MIND!

Worked to Death
Yesterday I had my 3rd doctor's appointment to check my blood pressure, and it's still too high... and now I have to buy an automatic blood pressure monitor (which isn't covered by insurance) to test myself at home 3 times a week.
I didn't realize that coming up with new ways to introduce crappy videos everyday was so stressful... but apparently, it is.

Music News
1) The reunited Cream will be playing 3 nights at The Garden in October.
2) You can stream the new Dandy Warhols album here.
3) Beck is playing Hammerstein Ballroom October 6th. Pre-sale starts Friday morning... password is Girl.

Why Old People Suck, Reason #239
They get night terrors.
During the day.
In the middle of a Broadway show.
At least an old woman sitting 2 rows behind me during The Pillowman did this weekend. She kept falling asleep, then waking up with a start, yelling to her husband "Jimmy!!! What's going on?!?"
It happened 5 times, and during the most dramatic points of the first act. It didn't phase the actors, at least not noticably, but her antics annoyed the audience considerably. Luckily the couple left during intermission and never returned.

The 40-Year-Old Virgin is alive and well. And apparently he drinks at Blondie's on the Upper West Side on Saturday nights.

If these Madonna Condoms are really like the singer, then they're wrinkled, past their prime, and have already been jizzed in by countless men.

Had my fantasy football draft last night... 10 teams, all fairly knowledgeable. I had the 7th pick, which is one of, if not the, worst spot in the draft. But here's how I did (round chosen is in parenthesis):

QB: Marc Bulger (5)
QB: Byron Leftwich (12)
RB: Deuce McAllister (1)
RB: Corey Dillon (2)
RB: Fred Taylor (8)
RB: Mike Anderson (11)
RB: Ricky Williams (13)
WR: Chad Johnson (3)
WR: Javon Walker (4)
WR: Jerry Porter (7)
WR: Ashley Lelie (9)
TE: Jason Witten (6)
TE: LJ Smith (14)
Def: Pittsburgh (10)
K: Josh Brown (15)

I have a good crop of receivers, especially getting Johnson with the 27th pick. My running backs are solid but not spectacular... ditto quarterbacks. Getting Pittsburgh's D so late is a steal, and I'm hoping Ricky Williams gets traded from the Dolphins and turns in a monster season... could be the best pick of the draft, or a waste... only time will tell.
After winning this league in back-to-back seasons, it'll be tough to reach the 3-peat.

Here are some tasty nuggets from the new book "Serving From the Hip: 10 Rules for Living, Loving, and Winning," written by Venus & Serena Williams. When reading them, bear in mind that these women are 25 and 23-years-old, respectively.
- Imagine what the world would be like without dreams… there would be no electricity or sliced bread or stoplights or television.
- Don't let others trick you into believing that being educated isn't cool. Karate-chop those people out of your life and keep right on studying and learning!
- Friendship is like tennis - it's all about the back and forth.
- Lemonade is one of Serena's favorite drinks - which makes sense, since she sure does know how to make something sweet out of a sour situation.
- We bathe or take a shower every day.
- Now that I'm an adult… I'm starting to develop crushes on guys. Crushes are so much fun!