Remember the South Park episode called "Jared Has Aides," in which the entire town thinks that Jared the Subway spokesman has AIDS when he really has assistants who help him lose weight? Well it was damn funny... fictional, but damn funny.
These, on the other hand, are real and damn funny. (Thanks Lindsay)

Sweet, another Russian MySpace message...

Hello!
My name is O____.
I live in Russia, me of 26 years.
I want to meet the man which will be my second half in a life.
I very much like children, I like to listen to classical music.
I the cheerful girl dreaming to find second half.
Any girl dreams of it, so it seems to me.
It is a little about itself,
I work at school as the teacher I not once heard, how Russian girls
Leave abroad and find there the love, and I too to try have decided,
And suddenly to me too will carry. And in general I was persuaded by the girlfriend to go on this site
And in general she has convinced me that people meet through the Internet
Then people meet also love becomes even stronger.
You have liked me.If I have liked you, we can meet.
Write to me on my mail box,
I shall answer you all questions.to me on mine
Email ********-******@mail.ru

Maybe I should take a trip to Russia... I'd have to have better luck over there than here.

Over the weekend I saw the trailer for the remake of The Hills Have Eyes. I hate that Hollywood keeps remaking these classics, but I have to say that the trailer is pretty damn impressive. Not that that really means anything... it seems that the horror movies with the best trailers (Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Saw) always stink.
Although I may see this simply because it stars the hottest woman on network television, Emilie DeRavin. Yes, other people can claim it's Eva Longoria or Evangeline Lilly or one of the Fox/WB chicks... I'm sticking with Emilie. It must be the accent.

Burnin' and Lootin'
Wait a minute, stop the press... Bob Marley's son likes to smoke weed? I am SHOCKED!!!

Here's a surprising development for Real World fans... Mallory (from the Paris cast) has become a Sports Illustrated swimsuit model. She certainly has changed since her time there as the sweet, innocent girl (although it appears she hasn't changed as much as SI would like, as Gawker points out).

Pamela Anderson the Actor Has the Emotional Range of Terri Schiavo*
I recently received the Comedy Central Roast of Pamela Anderson Uncensored DVD and watched it this weekend. Having already seen the show when it aired over the summer, I still agree with what I wrote after my first viewing. The jokes hold up the 2nd time around, especially the bust-a-gut-funny sets from Giraldo, DiPaolo, and Lampanelli. And let me tell you, dirty jokes are unquestionably funnier when they are left dirty as opposed to being bleeped. The DVD adds a few minutes of unbroadcast footage (fortunately not from Eddie Griffin's bomb attempt, although I'm glad he attended so that DiPaolo could crack "Eddie, I've seen all your movies... in a dumpster!"). Most of it consists of Courtney Love attempting to defend Pam from the jokes but simply making an ass of herself. I tell you, people should hire her out during big pressure situations to take the focus off of themselves. Need to give bad news during a press conference? Have Courtney stand next to you yelling at interviewers "Shut up! Be nice!" I'm sure she'd be up for it... gotta get her crack money somehow.
The DVD also has some extras:
- a short rehearsal segment in which Andy Dick helps Courtney craft a joke (this segment also shows that Courtney is at least 40 pounds heavier than you think she is).
- 20 minutes of Red Carpet interviews that are funny because the interviewer (some girl named Natasha) may be the worst interviewer I've ever seen, but her subjects are too wasted to care or too unfamous to complain. Worth watching to see Anna Nicole Smith, who looks like her genes have been spliced with a Clydesdale, saying that her dress "is from an Italian designer, sent from Italy" and promoting her movie while refusing to say the name of that movie (that's marketing genius at its best).
- Red Carpet outtakes, including Dennis Rodman being humble and sincere for the first time in his life.
- A segment called Pee Break in which Courtney tells Eddie Griffin that "African-Americans know who [she is] because [she's] been arrested."
- Comedy Central Quickies for Mind of Mencia, Reno 911, and South Park (the SP one is a great 3 minute bit with Paris Hilton that proves it's still the funniest cartoon on television).
Even if you've seen it already, I would recommend picking this up. You'd be hard-pressed to find another DVD so packed with jokes.

* So sayeth Nick DiPaolo in the best joke of the night (er, tied with Geraldo's "Adam Carolla looks like Pete Samprass with Down Syndrome")

TRL Moment of the Week
Gold medalists Shaun White and Hannah Teter dropped by on Wednesday to show off their new Olympic bling (and promote the DVD release of First Descent). During Shaun's interview, we asked him about the rumor that he hung out with Lindsay Lohan the previous night. Embarrassed, he asked us how we found that out, then admitted that he sat at her table at Bungalow 8 and chatted with her for a while.
Now there are reports all over the internet (everywhere from The Superficial to Contact Music to IMDB) claiming that they are an item. Nice job twisting his words. I can assure you they are not, repeat ARE NOT, having sex. Although if they did, and happened to spawn, that baby would be the ultimate Ginger. Would it even be able to set foot in daylight before exploding in a puff of freckles and sunburn?

If there's one thing that LSTT likes better than recut trailers and 80s cock rock, it's a sex tape... and we may have another one on the way, courtesy of Paris Hilton and Nicole Lenz.

Moving on from recut trailers, this person created a music video for My Chemical Romance's "The Ghost of You" entirely out of footage from one of my top-10 films of all time, Requiem for a Dream. But beware, squeamish readers... he uses some of the most disturbing and disgusting images.
But not the ass-to-ass scene.

Get In the Ring
Guns N Roses have confirmed that they will be playing a show in Dublin on June 9th. Also on the bill, Motley Crue. I am amazed at this, since Axl and Vince Neil have had a long-standing feud.*
Sure, it's been 17 years, and the 2 singers have gone through quite a few changes since then. But I wonder who would win the fight these days? Even after his extreme makeover, Vince is still pretty much a walking blob. I doubt he has the stamina to last in a full fight. Not that Axl is any force of nature himself. I have a feeling they would both fight dirty, which doesn't lead to any advantages. I think Axl has better back-up: his band has more members, and Vince would have to rely on walking-skeleton Mick Mars and recently-whooped Tommy Lee. Then again, Vince could just grab Axl by his cornrows and and throw him to the ground.
No matter what happens, I wish I could take the trip to Dublin and see for myself.

* For those of you who don't know, here's a recap courtesy of Chronological Crue:
Mötley presents the award for Best Heavy Metal Album at the MTV Music Video Awards at the Universal Amphitheatre in Universal City, California. While the rest of the Crüe wait in limos outside the event, Vince Neil waits backstage while Guns N' Roses play with Tom Petty. Vince then decks guitarist Izzy Stradlin’ as he comes off stage with a punch in the face, as payback for recently hitting on then kicking his wife at the Cathouse. Mötley's security chief drags Vince away and as they are about to leave the building, Axl Rose tells Vince he is going to kill him. When Vince encourages him to bring it on, Axl walks away.
This is the start of a feud between the two bands. Axl Rose starts to say in the press that Vince sucker-punched Izzy and he has been insulting Guns N' Roses for years. Vince feels betrayed after showing Axl vocal tricks to help him out, while they supported Mötley on the Girls, Girls, Girls tour. Axl challenges Vince by sending at least six messages to fight at places like Tower Records in Los Angeles, or on the boardwalk at Venice Beach, but Axl never shows up. Meanwhile Izzy calls Vince and apologises for his behaviour.
Still angry at the incident and the way Axl has handled it via the press, Vince responds on MTV, telling Axl to name the place and time. He proposes a Monday night fight at the Great Western Forum in Los Angeles. Eddie Van Halen and Sammy Hagar from Van Halen say they'll put up the money to stage the fight at New York's Madison Square Gardens. No fight eventuates and Vince's offer still stands to this day.

I've never lumped Pink in with the annoying pop princesses we typically play on TRL. And even though I hate the song "Stupid Girls," I applaud her effort and think that the video is fairly amusing (if you look past Pink's atrocious overacting).
However, then I ran across this article, in which she is interviewed about why she wrote the song. It includes the following:
"There's a lot of ridiculousness going on today. I don't need to name names. I'm attacking the general idea that you have to be cute and dumb to be successful... The video was very easy material. I just used examples of what I thought was mindlessness. I had the video in mind before the song and it all just followed."
And then comes the kicker:
"But mindless was too many syllables for the song so I changed it to stupid."
Hmm... pardon me for pointing this out, but by my count, the word "mindless" has 2 syllables, as does "stupid."
Pink, you may not want to be a stupid girl, but you can't always get what you want.

Michael Stipe, Bright Eyes, Rufus Wainwright, Fischerspooner, and others are playing a benefit concert called "Bring 'Em Home Now" March 20 at Hammerstein Ballroom. Order tix here... and if you put in the code PEACENOW, you get 10% off.

Today on the show, Lost star Matthew Fox let slip that he will be attending a show tonight at Mercury Lounge. Star gazers, feel free to drop by.

In Liz Smith's NY Post column today, she quotes Vin Diesel as saying "Acting doesn't make me happy."
Oh yeah? Well your acting doesn't make anyone else happy either. So why don't you do yourself, and all of us, a favor and just pack it in?

I'm usually more on top of things like this, so I apologize for the delay, but VH1 is producing an all-star edition of Surreal Life with a killer roster. I'm not sure I like the competition angle, but I cannot wait to see all these nutbags under one roof.

Last Sunday, the New York Times Magazine put out their annual Great Performers issue. Some amazing photos in there, but this one is my favorite. The clown balloon eyes is just such a unique, brilliant idea, and fits perfectly with Jeff Daniels' abilities.

Continuing my effort to link to every recut trailer ever made (at least the good ones), here's Star Wars: Empire Brokeback.

Two interesting bits of music news:
- Roger Waters will perform a solo version of "Dark Side of the Moon" at this year's Roskilde Festival. Apparently he will be playing a bunch of European shows over the summer... hopefully he'll make it to the US shortly, especially since I opted not to buy tickets to see David Gilmour (and Pink Floyd bandmate Rick Wright) at Radio City and since Pink Floyd will never reunite.
- Mojo Magazine has released a list of the top 50 British tracks since 1967. Only one track allowed per artist. As most British music lists are, this one is highly dubious ("Arnold Lane"? No Zombies or Bowie or Police or Radiohead?) Let the arguing begin!

Upstairs, Downstairs
Last night I was leaving my apartment to go to the gym. I hit the elevator button and watched the elevator go past my floor to the penthouse. I don't like the old woman who lives upstairs, so I hoped that she was getting off and not on and waited for it to come back down to me. But instead of stopping, it went straight down to the lobby. Annoyed, I hit the button again and watched as again the elevator went past me to the penthouse. It then went past me to return to the lobby.
Figuring there was a malfunction with the button on my floor, I walked down one flight and tried from there. Again, the elevator went past me to the top, then past me to the bottom. Not wanting to walk all the way down from the 17th floor (or more likely just looking for an excuse not to work out), I gave up and went back to watching TV on my couch.
A few minutes later, my roommate returned from a day of snowboarding. He also had no luck with the elevator, which was stuck on a continuous loop. No luck with the service elevator either, which was also out of order. So he had to trudge up to our apartment on the 17th floor, snowboard in tow. And then realized that he would not be able to order any food for dinner, as the delivery people would not climb up to us for a mere $2 tip. I'm glad I didn't tough it out and actually make the trip to the gym. I would've missed out on his seemingly endless wheezing and complaining.
I hope that none of my neighbors were stuck in the elevator during its relentless up-and-down. Although I wonder which would be worse: being stuck in an unmoving elevator, or stuck in an unstoppable elevator?

P.S. The title of my post has reminded me of one of my favorite Sesame Street sketches of all time... the parody of Masterpiece Theater's "Upstairs, Downstairs" in which Grover simply runs to the top of the stairs, says "upstairs," then runs to the bottom and says "downstairs." And repeats. Over, and over, and over. Now that's humor.

What a Way to Start Your Morning
Here's the full-length Colin Farrell sex tape. For free!

All you people who refuse to start a MySpace account, you're missing out on the chance to receive hilarious messages like this one:

hello, my name is O___! I live in city Cheboksary! My city is in the Country under the name Russia!!
I have written to you because your structure has very much involved me! In a life I search for the present love!
Excuse me please if I have prevented your calmness. If you want, enter with me, contact to my address of e-mail: *****@****.ru!!
I with impatience shall wait for your message!
Sincerely yours O___

While listening to Pandora today, a song called "Funk This" came on. The band has the greatest name I have ever come across: Mr. 611 Funkyshit and the Stickdicks. They are not listen in the AllMusic Guide, and a Google search revealed very little about them. Anyone ever heard of them or have more info? I'm not that big into the song, but I find them fascinating...

Wow, the uncensored trailer for Basic Instinct 2 is pretty raunchy. So much so, that I think it has saved me from actually having to sit through the entire movie. All the good stuff is right here.

On a related note, I was shown the original Basic Instinct at summer camp when I was 13 years old. For some reason, I decided to share the news with my parents the following day, who called the camp director and really tore into him. The director complained to my counselors, who then complained to me for being a tattle-tale. And that was the end of any porn-esque movies shown to us that summer.
You can imagine how well that went over with my bunkmates.

Yes, that's Melinda from Real World: Austin. She gets even more drunk, and more naked, here.
And then here.
And finally here.

Where the Wild Things Are Now
Guys, get ready for more swimming pool lesbian make-out scenes.

And ladies, get ready for more shots of Kevin Bacon's penis.

Rubik's Cubes always used to make me feel like an idiot. I could never solve them ever. But that is a problem no more!
(Thanks Jen)

This idea for a spoof version of 24 is intriguing on so many levels. But I'd really love to see the musical version. Imagine hearing the "beep... beep... beep... beep" sung in 4-part harmony!

So I'm pretty sure that I'm a jinx to New York City. The following things have happened in the less-than-5 years since I've moved here:
- The 9/11 terrorist attacks
- The 2003 blackout
- The largest snowstorm in NYC history
- The 2005 transit strike
- The Yankees have not won a World Series, but the Boston Red Sox have
- No other professional New York sports team has won a title
- Increase in subway fare
- Increase in cab fare
- Sky-high real-estate prices
- CBGB's loses its lease

I'm sorry!

Update: After some discussion with Lindsay, apparently I have also jinxed South Florida, which endured Hurricane Andrew, the 2000 election debacle, the Challenger disaster, and the exponential growth of old people during my residency there.
Beware the next place I move...

Apparently sportscasting is harder than it looks. Or maybe this kid is just an asshole.

TRL Moment of the Week
Here is a transcript from Monday's show, in our News wrap-up (after we covered the shooting at the Busta Rhymes video and the premiere of Get This Party Started)
NewsGuyGideon: And that's all for now.
VJSusie: Great job Gideon. Great news… great news.
NewsGuyGideon (uncomfortably looking at his feet): Well, except for the piece on Busta.
VJSusie (laughing, not having heard him): Haha! Thanks Gideon.

This is pretty ridiculous... in doing research on Paul Walker for his TRL appearance next week, I stumbled upon this game for his new movie Running Scared. It's a full game in which, as Paul's character, you drive around and kill people, except for the round where you go home and eat out your wife until she orgasms. Yes, and this is on New Line Cinema's official site for the movie. You can access it by going here, clicking on Play Mature Levels, registering for the age verification (make sure pop-up blocker is turned off), then entering the cheat code YUGORSKY (I have no idea what that means). Once the game starts, drive in the direction of the pointing red arrow until you get home... and that's where the fun* really begins.
Unfortunately, the chances of us being able to ask him about this on the air are probably less than nil.

* Note: I've played the game, and it's pretty easy to bring her to climax... much easier than with a real woman... although it's also less fun.

Today only, the British site Holy Moly is streaming the new Madonna video, "Sorry." It's basically the same exact song and concept as "Hung Up," only not as good and taking place in a roller-rink and some sort of hooker van. You can see it here (but you have to register).

Well I've been had. The Journey reunion at the Grammys never happened. I should have instead reported on Paul McCartney playing with Jay-Z & Linkin Park, which I also knew about from my insider. But no... I went with the Journey story, and now I seem like I'm full of shit. Plus I think that the Q104 e-mail is the same one I received 11 months ago... it would make sense, as they had a presale for Def Leppard's summer concert with Bryan Adams and it mentions Steve Winwood's concert at the Beacon, which took place last Spring. So it's doubtful that tour will happen, at least in the near future. My readers will never believe another thing I write.
On a related note, I heard that George Lucas is releasing a special edition DVD of Howard the Duck, in which he's adding 25 minutes of never-before-seen footage and replacing Howard with a competer-animated one. Can't wait...

Open Arms-egeddon It
So I just heard a pretty exciting tour rumor (at least I think it's pretty exciting... feel free to disagree, and I know a lot of you will): Def Leppard and Journey touring together. I can't find anything confirmed, but I got an e-mail from Q104 with a link to a Def Leppard presale page. Unfortunately when you go to that page, you get an error message. I checked the Def Leppard official site, which has nothing in the tour section but does have rumblings in the message board. Ditto the Journey official site, although their message board seems more confident.
More on this developing story as I get it.

*Update: I just heard from an inside source that Steve Perry will be reuniting with Journey at the Grammys tonight. That's good news, especially if it means he'll sign on for the above tour.

Yesterday my boss started cleaning out his office and gave me this unwanted Audiotronic Robocop doll. From Robocop 3 (the PG-13 one that I never saw). It says things like "Drugs are trouble!" or at least it would if the battery hadn't died. The battery in the gun still works, however. I wonder if there's any way to replace the doll's battery without taking it out of the box. It's a collectible, after all (although when first informed that it might be worth money, my boss tried to take it back and I refused... he gave up when I showed him this expired eBay auction in which it didn't get a single bid at $1.00).
The sad thing is, there's no room for this on my desk given all the other toy clutter I've accumulated from co-workers, including a Crocodile Hunter jeep (complete with crocodile, snakes, and the hunter himself), a laughing Nemo (that doesn't laugh anymore), DJ Scribble's Spinheads, a bottle of I Bet You Will champagne, Avril Lavigne's high school photos, a "Happy Light Year" ALF sticker, and other assorted junk. At the moment it's sitting on the ground behind my door. But I will hold onto it.

So I'm not sure which makes a stranger pair: Tommy Lee & Dennis Quaid, or Tommy Lee and Nina Arsenault (Canada's most famous transsexual)

As the internet is all abuzz about Brokeback to the Future, here's another recut trailer to check out: Cabin Fever (crossed with Terms of Endearment).

Quick thoughts on last night's Super Bowl:
- Fairly boring game, but congrats to the Steelers. They definitely deserved it.
- Karma is a bitch. I had drafted Josh Brown in my fantasy football league, only to waive him after a bad couple weeks to start the season. Then last night he misses a field goal to end the first half, which had he made it would have won me $100 in my Super Bowl pool.
- The Rolling Stones performance was an abomination. Why was Mick Jagger singing like Tweety Bird ("cwy" instead of "cry")? Next year they should take a page from The Simpsons and book Hooray for Everything's "salute to the greatest hemisphere on earth, the Western Hemisphere! The dancingest hemisphere of all!"
- Commercials were very weak. I think my favorite was the one where the doctors kill the fly with the defibrillator. Most appalling was the "Addicted to Lost" promo. To change the words to that classic song, especially after Robert Palmer's death, is practically sacrilegious. For shame, ABC.
- If The Bus retires, it's great that he goes out as Super Bowl champ. Pity, though, that he couldn't score on those two goal-line runs.
- For much more interesting Super Bowl blogging than mine, check Chuck Klosterman's Page 2 diary.

Another Resident of the TRL Graveyard
Thursday we had Nick Cannon on the show to promote the new season of Wild 'N Out. We played the game he does on the show where he has to keep a mouth full of water while the other team tries to make him laugh. Every time he spits out water, you get a point. We used a teenage juggler / comedian, who (not surprisingly) did not make him laugh.
I'm not sure what they call this stunt on the show. We called it Spit It Out. I had pitched Spits & Giggles. But got shot down. Oh well.

Everyone remembers the recut trailer for The Shining and the many that followed... well, there's a new one, showing Sleepless in Seattle as a thriller. And it's really good.

You can check out a bunch (if not all) of the short films that played at Sundance on their website. I've only watched a few so far, but here are some of my favorites are:
-The Pity Card (directed by Bob Odenkirk, about the effects of a guy taking a date to the Holocaust Museum)
-Robin's Big Date (starring Sam Rockwell as Batman and Justin Long as Robin)
-Ha Ha Ha America (don't even know how to describe this)

For some reason, a lot of people find my site when they search for Jodie Sweetin, even though I can't recall ever posting about her. But today I will, since it turns out she's a recovering crystal meth addict! Who woulda thunk it?

P.S. When I think about that intervention, all I can picture is Dave Coulier saying "Come on Jodie, CUT... IT... OUT!" (and doing that stupid hand motion he does when he says that)

I'm definitely going to hell for laughing at this. But you'll join me down there.

Americans are addicted to oil, according to President Bush's speech last night. Scottish people are addicted to heroin, according to this article about an 11-year-old girl in Scotland who overdosed at her school last week. I can't decide which is worse.