Why do seemingly sophisticated Manhattanites turn into slack-jawed yokels at the appearance of a weekend street fair? Literally thousands of people appear out of nowhere to wander aimlessly through booths of crap. Wow, four I Love New York t-shirts for ten bucks. Wow, a "Lucky Bamboo." Wow, $6 for a Nutella crepe. People, you live in New York City! It's the cultural center of the country! Surely you have better places to spend your time and money.

I'm heading to L.A. tomorrow to work on a Live Free or Die Hard movie special for MTV, and I may not post again until I get back on Sunday night. In the mean time, enjoy this NY Times Magazine profile on Judd Apatow. If you read it, make sure you listen to the sidebar mp3 of him interviewing Jerry Seinfeld while in high school.

One more thing: if you're gonna refer to yourself as an "internationally renowned speaker and psychotherapist," and if you're gonna write a serious self-help book, can you really go by the name Flip Flippen? I say no.

Arrested Development fans, rejoice! Michael Cera's new online show has launched, and it's damn funny. Check out Clark and Michael!

Yesterday I read this article saying that finger length can help determine how people will score on their SATs. Basically:

Ring finger longer than index finger = better at math

Index finger longer than ring finger = better at verbal

Sounds like a bunch of bullshit, no? But sure enough, a quick look at my own hands reveal that the theory holds up. My ring fingers are longer, and I scored 90 points better on the math section than on the verbal. I guess this crackpot theory holds water after all. Nice work, scientists! Although why they're wasting their time on this as opposed to finding a cure for cancer or working on the global warming crisis is beyond me...

Yesterday I found an interesting surprise in my mailbox: an invitation to the 2007 Made in NY Awards. Never heard of it? Me neither. It's sponsored by the Mayor's Office of Film, Theater, and Broadcasting. Google led me to this article about last year's event. The invitation was directed to me through Lion TV, which is the company that produces Cash Cab. Is Cash Cab being honored? I don't know. Am I being honored? Again, I don't know, but I doubt it. I have no idea who will receive an award, or who will be in attendance, or why I'm all of a sudden on the guest list. After all, between Troma and MTV, I've been working on projects that are made in NYC for years. I haven't decided yet whether I'll go or not. This could be my entry into the NYC cultural elite... or it could just be an awkward couple hours of me standing around with nobody to talk to. I'm guessing there will be free food and drink, which would help, although I really can't be sure about that either. Gotta think this one over...

This Is Beyond B.O. It's B.B.O.
Bob Odenkirk is all over the place these days. First he shows up at the Human Giant 24-hour takeover (just in time to freak out Lindsayism). Now he's making an online series called Derek & Simon: The Show. And the trailer for his new movie The Brothers Solomon isn't half bad (in part due to "St. Elmo's Fire" playing during it). Keep up the good work!

So the next Comedy Central Roast is of Flavor Flav? Come on, that's just too easy...

Scar-Letdown
Went to see The Jesus & Mary Chain at Webster Hall last night. Fairly disappointing. I mean, no Scarlett Johansson singing on "Just Like Honey!" Kidding, of course... that is, kidding that I care, not kidding that she didn't sing (instead we got Nicole Gehweiler of The Comas). But the show was completely uninteresting. They played for just over an hour, barely moving an inch around the stage. The music sounded pretty good, except for multiple false starts over the course of the show, but I would've been just as happy listening to their CDs at home. The only excitement came from watching from my perch in the balcony two hooligans moshing throughout the entire show, pissing off everybody around them. By the second song one of them had already gotten into an actual fight, punching an innocent bystander in the face and breaking the poor guy's glasses. This continued throughout the entire concert. Mesmerizing. Also nice work by the opener, the Sam Roberts Band.
There's a more detailed description of the show (including setlist) here, although I completely disagree with his opinion.

When I got home I watched the season finale of 24. Good riddance to the worst season yet. And also good riddance to Sunday's 24 parody episode of The Simpsons. I can't believe I watched it, but I got suckered in by the 400th-episode hype. How they had the balls to air it, after South Park beat them to the punch earlier this year (and made an infinitely funnier episode) is beyond me.

Miss any episodes of Lost this season, or simply need a refresher? There's a funny one here.

Great passage from the latest Sports Guy column:
I included a reader's story about Jack Nicholson's testicles, followed by me trying to come up with a porn movie title for his celebrity sex tape if it ever happened (my favorite was, "As Droopy As It Gets"). Well, suggestions came pouring in from the readers, including these goodies: "Terms of Engorgement," "The Two Jakes," "Terms of Endowment," "As Big as it Gets," "Ginatown," "You Can't Handle The Truth," "Sperms of Endearment" and "The Departed."
"Ginatown"! I love it!

Last night I had the pleasure of working MTV's Human Giant 24-hour takeover. Man, if I wasn't fan of those guys before (which I was), I am now (um, even more so). They really kept the funny coming all 24 hours, and stayed friendly and collected the entire time, even when we literally had no idea what they'd be doing two minutes in the future. I'm pleased to say that they reached their goal of 1,000,000 hits to the website... and I guarantee that was not rigged. So here comes the second season!
There are highlights of the marathon posted here. My favorite stuff is all of the Fabrice Fabrice bits (although they didn't post his first appearance, which was my favorite because he calls Raven "a big fat person" and used the line "I will hit you like a racist person of one race hits another person of a different race that he despises"), Ted Leo's performance of "Me and Mia" (his amp blew out and he had to ad-lib lyrics until they fixed it... ah the wonders of live television), Albert Hammond Jr.'s performances (both the first and second), Cracked Out Math, and MySpace Tom. I wish that their argument with their "writer" was posted, or Bob Odenkirk's visit, or Zach Galifianakis's bits. The Sexy Webcam girl stuff was great too, especially since they showed the disgusting surgery footage on MTV's giant HD screen for all of Times Square to see, and let me tell you, unsuspecting tourists were pretty grossed out. And for anyone who may have been offended by Paul's early-morning, ill-advised reference to Adam Walsh, I can assure you that he didn't know that Adam's head had ever been found (he thought he was still missing) and he feels terrible about it. Cut the guy some slack... he'd been on the air for like 18 hours straight at that point.
One final thing: the site also links to my favorite Human Giant sketch (except for the very end). Try not to read the description before you watch it.

Update: Was just browing through Subterranean's 24-hour blog and found this entry. Hey, who's that guy with the goofy headset and awesome green garden-gnome t-shirt that you can't see because I never turned around to face the camera? That's me!
And leave it to Will Arnett to give the funniest interview response.

Sorry for the lack of decent posts... I am working on MTV's Human Giant 24-hour takeover. And it's all been fun and games until now... tomorrow I work 9am-6pm, then 3am-noon on Saturday (with a possible trip out to Starland Ballroom in NJ for a Velvet Revolver concert wedged in between). Hopefully I'll have some good stories when it's all said and done.

Today's math lesson:
Bruce Campbell + Duran Duran + hot chicks = an awesome Old Spice commercial

Kick It
This is why I hate subway performers. And children. And dancing.

Update: This is why I love pot brownies.

My parents live in Boca Raton, Florida. My dad had a business meeting here in NYC last week, so both he and my mom came up to visit me and my sister. My sister tells me that at one point during their trip the three of them were riding the subway, and a teenager sitting next to them was wearing a Rocawear shirt. My mom pointed him out, excited. "Look! Bocawear!" My sister tried to explain that no, it says Rocawear, which is a clothing company owned by Jay-Z. But my mom insisted that it must be a reference to their home.
Happy Mother's Day, mom! You're one of a kind.

Excellent news for your weekend: Friday Night Lights has been renewed. TV Guide couldn't have said it better: Woo-hoo!

This Paris Hilton petition has got to be one of the stupidest things I have ever seen. I know she didn't write it, but her support of it is just as bad. Does she honestly think that the Governor of California (even if he is the Terminator) has nothing better to do with his time? Does she really think that she's above the law because she brings "beauty and excitement" to the world? Does she seriously not know how to spell "sign"?
Interestingly enough, she's not the only one with this bright idea. I've uncovered a petition from recently-arrested Tom Sizemore, and I think he makes a pretty good case, or at least a better one than Paris's does. Check it out:

To: The Honorable Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger
I am writing to you in the hope that you will pardon my recent arrest. While I realize that I have yet to be tried, let alone convicted, on this violation of my parole, I figured a preemptive strike would be wise, especially to capitalize on the timing of Paris's petition. I feel that if you were to pardon anyone, it should be me, not her. Here are my reasons:
- Both Paris and I have sex tapes, but hers was shot using that annoying night-vision camera, while mine was shot using hidden cameras throughout my house. Much cooler, in my mind.
- I'm a much better actor than she is. I mean, come on... did you see House of Wax? Compare that to Saving Private Ryan. Or Heat. Or Natural Born Killers. Or even The Relic. No contest.
- Her petition doesn't even ask to be pardoned for the right crime. She's going to jail not for DUI, but for driving with a suspended license. I know what I was arrested for: drug possession. That doesn't excuse it, but at least I know what to cop up to.
- Guys have it much tougher in jail than women do. I've seen Oz. I know about the ass-rape. And while I may be a sex addict, that's not so appealing to me.
- I'm still good friends with Heidi Fleiss. You do me a solid, I do you a solid, if you know what I mean...
- Paris's petition compares her to Richard Nixon. Come on, I look much more like Nixon than she does.
- I once banged Paris. This isn't really relevant... just thought you might like to know. High five!
- And finally, bros before hos, am I right?
This petition is to ask Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger to pardon me for my mistake. Please allow me to return to my career and life, at least what's left of it. Everyone makes mistakes; mine would be Pearl Harbor. Please find it in your heart to be lenient to a sad old VH1 reality star.
Please sign the petition below.

Beyond The Wonder Years
I'm still watching repeats of The Wonder Years every night, and still loving (almost) every episode. A while back I posted about Winnie's math website, and we all heard that in real life Paul became a lawyer. But I recently discovered that Becky Slater (a.k.a. Crystal McKellar, a.k.a. Winnie's real-life sister) is also a lawyer in NYC. Those on-set tutors must've been pretty on-the-ball.

Shirt Happens

One of my friends got me this shirt as a Hanukkah gift. I've worn in a few times, and I always get several people asking if the shirt references the movie or the ska band. In my opinion it's for the movie, and I tell people it's for the movie, but to be honest I can't be 100% certain what it's true intentions are. I think my friend said he got it from an 80's t-shirt site, which would make it for the movie. And I guess it wouldn't be a total bust if it's for the band... as I recall, the singer was kinda cute. But I'm going on record here as saying that the shirt references the movie. So if you see me wearing it in the future, please don't ask.

Also, for all you Elvis Costello fans in NYC, he's playing a free show on Monday night at the Ed Sullivan (a.k.a. David Letterman) Theatre. Here's the info. Dunno if there are still tickets available... I just sent an RSVP e-mail and am waiting to hear back.

Somehow, I'd made it almost 28 years without ever dining at Cracker Barrel. Yesterday, that streak came to an end. What an experience. I think they are actually trying to kill their customers. Order scrambled eggs, and the waitress asks if you want cheese in them. Sure, why not. Cheese in your grits? Indeed. Gravy for your biscuits? Hell yes. Sugar-cured ham? You bet. Lard in your Sprite? Um, I guess so. It's been over 24 hours, and I can still feel my heart pressing against my chest each time it beats. They also had one of those peg-jumping games on every table. Way to know your audience. I doubt 90% of their usual customers could solve that on their best day, let alone once the connection between the brain and hand has been blocked by cholesterol. The rocking chairs for sale outside the restaurant are a nice touch, too. No, don't exercise to work off the meal you just devoured... instead sit down and wait to get fat. And yet, something tells me this won't be my last visit. After all, sugar-cured ham is rather delicious.

On an unrelated note, here's a UK poll on the worst lyrics of all time. How is there no mention of LFO's "Summer Girls" or Hilary Duff's "Wake Up" or Good Charlotte's "Girls and Boys" or Barry Manilow's "I Write the Songs" or anything by Fergie or Limp Bizkit? I could go on, but I won't. Stupid Brits.

Boys on Wheels
God, if you're up there, please don't strike me down for thinking that a cerebral palsy boy band is funny. I can't help it that this and this made me laugh. Although now that I think about it, if you created me, you made me want to laugh at this. So there.

That's What Friends Are For
I just discovered that my oldest friend, whom I've known since we were 3 (yes, he was at the Plaster Carousel party) but whom I've somewhat lost touch with over the years (he lives in L.A. now) has been posting pretty funny clips up on YouTube. He adds lyrics to famous movie themes such as Back to the Future and Batman. You can check them all out here. I think the 007 one is my least favorite, but they're all worth a watch. And no, I'm not being biased just because we're friends.

Found at Home
Came across these things while home over the weekend:

What a cute baby I was...

What a cute kid I was. This was taken at a birthday party at Plaster Carousel, where kids paint things made out of, you guessed it, plaster. Lots of kids in my neighborhood had birthday parties there. My masterpiece was a plaque that said Down With Homework and featured a pencil snapped in two. I thought it was very clever at the time, and treasured it for years, until I accidentally knocked it to the ground and it shattered into about a thousand pieces.

And now, something that's embarrassing. I was in 5th grade when Billy Joel's "We Didn't Start the Fire" hit #1. At the time, I made a bet with a girl in my class that I knew all the words to the song. To prove it, I wrote them out in full. Turns out, I didn't know all the words. Not by a long shot. Compare my version with the actual lyrics; I've highlighted what I had wrong:

Harry Truman, Doris Day, Red China, Johnny Ray

South Pacific, Walter Windshield, Joe DiMaggio

Joe McCarthy, Richard Nixon, Student Baker, Television

North Korea, South Korea, Marilyn Monroe

Rosenberg, H-Bomb, Sugar Ray, Pad Moo John

Brando, The King And I, and The Catcher In The Rye

Eisenhower, Vaccine, England's Got a New Queen

Marshmallow, Liberace, Santayana, Goodbye

(chorus)

Joseph Stalin, Alan Call, NASA and Prokofiev

Rockefeller, Campanella, Communist Blocks

Roy Gone, Walk Around, Tuscaninny, Akron

Bin Bin, Foo Falls, Rock Around the Clock

Einstein, James Dean, Brooklyn's Got a Winning Team

Davy Crockett, Peter Pan, Elvis Presley, Disneyland

Bardow, Budapest, Alabama, Cruise Jets

Princess Grace, Peyton Place, Trouble in the Sewers

(chorus)

Little Rock, Passinack, Mickey Mantle, Cadillac

Sputnik, Joe and I, Bridge On The River Kwy

Lebanon, Chalsador, California Baseball

Stark weather, Homicide, Children of the Little My

Buddy Holly, Ben Hur, Space Monkey, Mafia

Hula Hoops, Castro, Edselina No-Go

U2, Sigmond Ree, Payola and Kennedy

Chubby Checker, Psycho, Belgians in the Congo

(chorus)

Hemingway, Eichman, Stranger in a Strange Land

Building, Berlin, Bay of Pigs Invasion

Lawrence of Arabia, British Beat Romania

Old Miss, John Glenn, Liston Beats Patterson

Pope Paul, Malcolm X, British Politicians, Sex

J.F.K. Blown Away, What Else Do I Have To Say?

(chorus)

Birth Control, Hochie Men, Richard Nixon Back Again

Moon Shot, Woodstock, Watergate, Punk Rock

Bacon, Reagan, Palestine, Terror on the Airline

Ayatollahs in Iran, Russians in Afghanistan

Wheel of Fortune, Sally Ride, Heavy Metal, Suicide

Foreign Debts, Homeless Vets, AIDS, Crack, Burning Jets

Hypadermics on the Shore, China's Under Martial Law

Rock and Roller, Color War, I Can't Take It Anymore

(chorus)

Burning jets instead of Bernie Goetz? Trouble in the Sewers? What was I thinking? And I really had trouble with the start of the second verse. But I'm most ashamed of thinking British Beatlemania was British Beat Romania. As a classic rock lover, I'll never live that down.