Sports Events That Bothered Me This Weekend
1) The Yankees / Red Sox brawl on Saturday. Jason Varitek is a pussy for not having the guts to take off his catcher's mask during the fight. Schilling is a douche for saying that A-rod started the fight when Varitek through the first punch. The Red Sox are pansies for beaning A-rod and blaming the Yankees for initiating the brawl, and for celebrating after that win which put them 8 1/2 games out of first. The Yankees will look back on this game and laugh when the Red Sox are sitting at home in October.
2) Rob Dibble on Saturday's Baseball Tonight. He applauded the fight, saying that the first game was "flat" (an 8-7 come-from-behind victory is flat?) and that fighting is good for the game because it gets players fired up. Um, no, it causes injuries (see Varitek, Sturtze), slows down the game, and causes players to lose focus. Rob, stop encouraging fights and stop talking out of your ass.
3) Ricky Williams retiring. Thanks for screwing the Dolphins, not just for this year but probably for years to come. You couldn't have announced your plans at the beginning of the week so the team could've gone after Eddie George or even Antwoine Smith? What a selfish prick. You're lucky you shaved off your dreads, otherwise people in Florida would've strung you up by them. Go travel the world and never come back.
4) Lance Armstrong's 6th consecutive win. Am I the only one who thinks this gets less exciting every year? It's not even competitive anymore. Anyone who didn't expect him to win is a liar or a moron. Even the Bulls took a couple years off in the middle of their 6 titles to get fans excited about other teams and build drama about whether the Bulls could reclaim the title. You have nothing else to prove... please stop now and give someone else a chance.

Don't you have it when you go to bed and fall asleep but then wake up like 50 minutes later feeling totally refreshed so that you toss and turn for like the next 2 1/2 hours and then after you finally fall back to sleep you wake up the next morning feeling tired? 

I do.

I don't even know how to describe this. So just watch it.

Two quick movie notes for this weekend:
1) Napoleon Dynamite has added a new 5-minute ending. The film didn't need anything extra to convince me to see it again, so this is just an added bonus.
2) Troma's new masterpiece Tales from the Crapper has its New York premiere on Saturday. If you're a glutton for punishment, check it out.

This article is hilarious... I would love for "The Ziering," or just "Ziering," to become a commonly-used expression, like a synonym for failure. "Man, did you read Brian's blog today? That guy is such a Ziering."

How the "Mighty" Have Fallen
Conversation backstage during yesterday's show:
Quddus - "So have you ever been on the show before?"
Matt Damon - "Yeah, when the first Bourne came out, but Carson was here."
Quddus - "Oh, cool."
Matt Damon - "What is Carson up to these days?"
Quddus - "He's got his own late-night show."
Matt Damon - "Oh really? I had no idea..."

In the Writers' Pit, watching VH1 Classic. Ready for the World's "Oh Sheila" comes on. Female co-worker sitting next to me asks, "Why is it that I never noticed these guys were mad-gay?"

Saw Metallica: Some Kind of Monster over the weekend.  It's a very well-made documentary, if a little on the long side (almost 2 1/2 hours), and I recommend to everyone, whether or not you're a Metallica fan, if only to see how badly Kirk Hammett is such the little bitch of the band.  James Hetfield and Lars Ulrich constantly talk about how the two of them are the entire creative force behind the band, never giving any credit whatsoever to Kirk.  Even in the therapy sessions, Kirk never contributes anything of consequence... he merely responds to the arguments between everyone else by shaking his head or laughing awkwardly.  I don't really feel bad for the guy... he is worth tens of millions of dollars as part of one of the biggest band in history, but really... it's pretty sad (or funny, depending on how you look at it).

TRL VJ Damien barged into the writers' pit the other day asking why I never told him about my appearance on Letterman in which I sat in a van making fun of people with a bullhorn. I asked him how he could've possibly known about that, and apparently the clip is on Letterman's website. I'll provide the link to the archives, but will not tell you which one is the actual clip. If you really want to see it... happy hunting!

A CNN report today on Napoleon Dynamite referred to him as Nappy D. That is wrong on so many levels.

Few people are bigger 80s fans than I am (I'm sporting my Cure "Love Song" t-shirt as I post), but this is a little ridiculous...

So as much as I hate to admit it, I now have a crush on Hilary Duff.
"But Brian," you may say, "she's only 16! And her movies are terrible! And her music is even worse! And she's about as smart as a bowl of oatmeal!"
Yes, these are all valid points. But she came on the show yesterday, walking in and looking all adorable, and laughed at the jokes I suggested for her when prepping her, and cursed a few times to show that she's not as goody-goody as her image suggested, and told our audience that she's single, and all of a sudden... BAM! Crush.
I know it sucks and makes me a loser, but I can't help it. Sigh.

Went to Prince's Afterparty at B.B. King's last night... got there just before 1am, and the place was packed. Prince and the band were in a roped-off VIP section, and one of the worst DJs I've ever heard was spinning on stage. Sometime after 2:30 they started showing footage from that night's concert (which I heard had The Time as an opening act), and Prince, his bandmates, and Sheila E. (who also made a surprise appearance during the concert) took turns waving to the crowd. No performance, however, and I left when the crowd started booing the DJ and chanting "We want Prince" after Prince had left.
One surprise... the crowd went CRAZY when the DJ played Wham's "Everything She Wants," cheering louder than the previous song, Prince's "Take Me With U." Never would've expected that to happen at a Prince party.

Quick Thoughts on the Emmy Nominations:
- I like John Ritter as much as the next guy, but his posthumous nomination is not deserved at all and bumped out Jason Bateman.
- In the same category, Larry David can't act at all... and he's nominated while Cheryl Hines isn't? Bah.
- Why does Will and Grace (and Sean Hayes) get so many nominations? The show (and he) is terrible! Bump it for Scrubs... or South Park.
- Congrats to Brad Dourif for Deadwood. I hope he wins.

Prince 7/13 MSG Concert Review
Last night's concert was at once one of the best and most frustrating concerts I've ever attended. As far as the actual show, it was incredible. Prince is an amazing performer, his band was tight (especially drummer John Blackwell, who was one of the best I've ever seen, and Maceo Parker on sax), and the energy was unfaltering for more than 2 1/2 hours. He played almost all of his hits and a wide array of lesser-known songs from his "Vault." He was in a great mood and joked a lot with the crowd, who went absolutely NUTS for him. I've never heard it so loud before... at one point Prince got all 20,000 people to jump at the same time, and lemme tell you, the place SHOOK. The downside to the show was that in order to get through so many hits, he only played about 10% of the songs in their entirety. Instead we got 2 verses of "Let's Go Crazy," 1 verse (no chorus) of "When Doves Cry," 2 verses of "7," etc. And while I know playing songs to completion would've shortened the setlist considerably, a lot of the show ended up being one big tease. Nevertheless, it was a terrific concert, and I'm going to tonight's Afterparty at B.B. King's on the off-chance that he performs. Chances are I'll stay there until 3am and be S.O.O.L., but we'll see...

Here's an almost-complete setlist, pulled from prince.org:
Musicology
Let's Go Crazy
I Would Die 4 U
When Doves Cry
Baby I'm A Star
Shhh
D.M.S.R./Crazy in Love
I Feel 4 U
A Love Bizarre (full version with singing)
Controversy
Georgia on My Mind (Maceo lead vocals)
Acoustic set
-Little Red Corvette
-Cream
-ICNTTPOYM
-Telemarketer Blues
-On the Couch
-Sweet Thing
-ADORE
7
Sign O' The Times
Bambi
Whole Lotta Love
Let's Work
U Got The Look
Life O' The Party
Knock On Wood (Chance lead vocals)
Kiss
Take Me With U
(Encore)
Call My Name
Purple Rain

Wow... this woman's life gets so bad that she decides to commit suicide, then she screws that up. Where does one go from there?

I Never Thought I'd Say These Words, But...
I agree with Andy Dick. He was on TRL yesterday, and when a fan asked him what celebrity makes him laugh, he answered Bob Odenkirk and Napoleon Dynamite. I couldn't have chosen any better... except maybe to add Sarah Silverman.

If this really was posted from the Chaser tablet girl, and you happen to come back here, I have a few questions for you:
- You say it works "if you take enough." How much is enough? If it's like 1 per drink, then it's definitely not worth it.
- If you know how well it works, I assume you use it... do they give you a lifetime supply for being their spokeswoman?
- How did you and your co-star keep straight faces while delivering those lines?
- How on earth did you find my blog?

If any of you were dying for a comprehensive list of websites for your favorite Real World and Road Rules cast members, here it is. It also tells who will be involved in the next RW/RR Challenge, a battle of the sexes... how exciting!

So Police Academy 8 is in the works? How can this possibly be a good idea? David Graf, who played Tackleberry, passed away 3 years ago, and oh yeah, the series hasn't been funny since Steve Guttenberg jumped ship (or rather flew away in a hot air balloon with Sharon Stone) after Part 4 in 1987... and even that is being generous. But I guess they'll do anything to make a buck...

Congratulations to Paul London, who as of last night is the new WWE tag-team champion. I'm good friends with his older brother Jonathan, and Paul and I appeared in Jonny's little-seen (and hopefully it'll stay that way) student horror film, Spores (I played an alien who gets killed when somebody flicks a quarter into my forehead... maybe my finest hour). Paul's been working hard at wrestling for several years, and I couldn't be happier for him. Keep kicking ass with your patented London Calling, Paul!

Why Old People Suck, Reason #413
I was standing on 75th St. waiting for a broker to show me an apartment, when across the street I see a guy walking a black lab. He is talking on his cell phone with one hand, and the other hand is covered with a plastic bag to dispose of the dog shit. The dog does its business, but the guy is still talking on his phone and doesn't it up immediately (although he is standing right next to it). An old woman comes out of her apartment building, sees the shit, and yells at the guy "You need to pick that up."
The guy responds, "I will, I just need to finish this call."
"Pick up the dog's business!" the woman says right back.
"As soon as I'm off the phone," the guy replies, more tersely.
"You have to pick that up!" she says again.
The guy tells the person on the line that he'll call back, then starts explaining to the woman that he was planning to, but he was on the phone and didn't want to risk dropping the phone into the shit.
"But you have to pick up after your dog," the woman says. "It's the law!"
"Why couldn't it wait until I was off the phone?" the guy asks.
"Because you have to pick up after your dog!" she answers.
"You know what? Screw you, lady!" the guy says. "Why don't you pick up the shit yourself!" He then storms away, leaving the shit on the sidewalk. The woman stands staring at the shit for several moments, then storms back inside.

After reading this story, I've decided that if I ever start a band, I will name it Fuck for Forest.

This Lego-Spiderman thing is pretty cool, but some people have WAY too much free time.

Had the following e-mail exchange with my friend earlier today:
Him: I need to find an apt...I want to live w/o a roommate so if anyone knows of anything please let me know.
Me: I'm in the same boat... apartment hunting sucks. What neighborhood you looking in?
Him: All neighborhoods south of 80th street and in manhattan. i hate it.
Me: Eric Douglas's apartment is available now...
Him: I don't know who that is. Where is the apt? How much?
Me: Um, that's Michael Douglas's brother who was just found dead of an overdose there yesterday... it's 10 W 29th St., but probably out of your price range. And this joke isn't funny having to explain it to you.
Him: great location though

More from the TRL Graveyard
Rejected introduction for Wimbledon champion Maria Sharapova: "Our first guest is the best thing on grass since Snoop Dogg."

Brian Wilson was interviewed in Sunday's New York Times Magazine. It's probably the shortest, saddest interview I've ever read in there.

Add another line to the list of NY Post's journalistic coups...

Last Friday, Kanye West's video "Jesus Walks" fell from #7 to #10 on the TRL countdown. The following lines were rejected from my script to describe its plummet:
- Getting crucified by voters.
- If the Jews hadn’t killed Jesus, then hearing that song would have.
- Stick the Lance of Longinus in its side, cause that video is dead.
- Getting scourged by voters.
- That video is bleeding votes from its palms and feet.
Damn politically-correct show...

R.I.P., Marlon Brando
They claim that cause of death has been undetermined... but I think that being an 80-year-old, obese, insane coke-head is enough of a cause.
To find out more about whether your favorite celebrities are alive or dead, please consult this website.

Yes, I Watch Simple Life 2
And I noticed in last night's episode that Paris was reading the issue of Maxim with, guess who, Paris Hilton on the cover. This is a couple days after an article with a photo showing Paris holding a copy of 1 Night in Paris. She just can't get enough of herself, can she?

Interesting list on the 100 Greatest Albums of the 70s, although the writers have somewhat of a hard-on for Brian Eno.

Nothing like a little porn during the news...

I know the odds of this story being true are about a billion to one, but man, if it is...

You Heard It Here First
Today, June 29, 2004, is a day that will go down in infamy as the start of the downfall of VH1 Classic. Next week they are starting a show called "Classic Current" which will feature new videos from classic artists like Sting, Prince, etc., and they are previewing it during today's Tuesday Twoplay. While this in and of itself is not terrible news, it has opened the floodgates for the channel to play music from terrible 90s bands like the Lemonheads and crappy 90s Aerosmith. The designation of a classic should be that it came out prior to the previous decade... so the most recent classic should be from the 80s. Once we hit 2010, songs from the 90s can be classics. This rule would also prevent the utterly pointless I Love the 90s set to air next month (Remember when Britney Spears was wearing a school uniform in a video? Gee, it was so long ago...). For shame, VH1 Classic. What's next, commercials? Soon you'll be MTV2 all over again (I miss the launch of that channel when they played what was at that time all 19,000 videos ever made in alphabetical order).

So what the hell is wrong with Friendster lately? Is anyone else having problems with it? They try to improve it, but instead the layout is all fucked up, pictures are all over the place, it has trouble sending and receiving messages... should I even bother with it anymore? Or is it so "summer 2003" by now?

Sunday Subway Story
On a downtown Q train, a gangster-type white guy is trying to pick up an attractive, professional African-American woman. She obviously is having none of it, but is being nice in her rejection. He asks her name, and she responds by asking his name.
"Universal," he replies.
"Universal? That's an unusual name. Why were you named that?" she asks.
"Because I defy description," he replies.
I think that answer defies logic. Regardless, she left the train solo.

ESPN is doing a 2-hour documentary about the dumbest people in America...

I've heard of a hung jury before, but this may be the first instance of a "hung" judge (ba dum dum)...

Idiot’s Guide to Fantasy Baseball

Tip of the Week:
Make sure that when you’re attempting to acquire a player, you check his first name (or at least first initial). You don’t want to make the common mistake of picking up outfielder Hideki Matsui when you need Kaz Matsui to fill your hole at shortstop, because you won’t be able to use Hideki at that position. Similar problems can happen with players with the last name Rodriguez, Jones, and Gonzalez.

Did You Know?
If you’re looking for someone to help you in the walks category, you might want to consider Barry Bonds. Most people focus on his home runs, but if you check his stats, he’s actually leading the league in walks… by a wide margin! Chances are he’s not available in the free agent pool, but if he is, I’d pick him up immediately.

Pick to Click:
You may be hesitant to pick up Mark Prior these days. After all, it’s almost the All-Star break and he only has 1 win. But the reason that number is so low is that he missed two whole months due to injury. He’s still an above-average pitcher, so go ahead and roll the dice on him.

Steal of the Week:
Alex Rodriguez. His numbers are very good (.292 avg., 18 HR, 14 SB), but he also has eligibility at both SS and 3B, two positions that are generally lacking good players. Grab him if you can.

Hot:
Jim Thome, 1B, Philadelphia. He’s hitting .320 with 24 HR and 50 RBI. That’s power.

Scott Rolen, 3B, St. Louis. He leads baseball with 71 RBI, along with a .336 average and 17 HR. Would make an excellent pick-up.

Not:
John Flaherty, C, New York Yankees. Not only is his batting average a lowly .161, but he doesn’t even play every day! You’d be much better off going with the Yanks’ other catcher, Jorge Posada.

Mo Vaughn, 1B, New York Mets. Even though the Mets are paying him $15 million in 2004, he has yet to play a game this season. There are other first basemen who can get you more points, such as Todd Helton.

So of all the celebrity sex tapes that have appeared, one with Survivor's Jenna Lewis probably ranks near the bottom of the totem pole... but I'm gonna link to it anyway.

Looks like Richard Marx has had a Ricky Martin makeover.

Great news! According to Entertainment Weekly, Undeclared will be released on DVD... and on the Freaks and Geeks message board, there is a post by creator Judd Apatow on May 28 confirming it. If it's half as good as the Freaks and Geeks set put out, then it will be mine... MINE!

Tentative Brian Wilson U.S. Tour Dates Announced!
What a glorious way to start the weekend... finding out Brian Wilson will be playing Smile live in NY on October 12 & 13. Venues still TBA, but you can bet I'll be there no matter where it takes place.

These Are the People I Write For
A co-worker discovered this Holla Back, regarding our booking Jon Heder on the show in character as Napoleon Dynamite and planting him on the street for a Random VJ segment, on the TRL message board yesterday:
"[monday's] trl was hilarious because damien didn't realize that that guy napoleon dynamite is actually in a movie called napoleon dynamite with hilary duff's sister. too funny!"

Great quote in yesterday's New York Times review of Dido's concert at the Beacon:
- "[Dido] has figured out a way to make music that is no better, but also no worse, than silence."

Damn, I just changed my template and lost all my comments. Oh well, guess it's time for a fresh start...

Congratulations to Velvet Revolver!
Contraband officially landed at #1 on the Billboard chart, selling over 256,000 copies in its first week. Now let's just hope my bosses keep their promise and book them on the show...

Anyone Wonder...
- what Full House's Dave Coulier is up to these days? Here's your answer.
- if the tiny space between the platform and the subway on the downtown 2/3 section of the Times Square subway station is big enough to fit a grown man's foot? As a matter of fact, it is, because a guy getting off my subway car managed to stick his foot in it, get his leg sucked into the gap, and toppled over, then panicked when he had trouble removing it. After some assistance from helpful onlookers, he escaped without injury (I of course didn't help, as I was too busy staring and laughing).
- if you're the only one who despises Rob Schneider's film career? This review of Around the World in 80 Days contains the line "Rob Schneider shows up as a San Francisco bum, but I would like to think of that as career foreshadowing."

Read Rolling Stone's 50 Moments That Changed the History of Rock & Roll. And out of 50 moments (only 21 of which were given actual dates instead of months or seasons), 3 happened on my birthday, August 17: the last day of Woodstock, Bruce Springsteen playing the Bottom Line in 1975 (the dates were not stated in the issue but 8/17 was the date of the final gig) and the filming of Nirvana's "Smells Like Teen Spirit" video. Statistically, there is only a 1 in 7.305 chance of any of them happening on my birthday. Add those to the list of celebs born on that day (Sean Penn, Robert DeNiro, Davy Crockett, Jim Courier, Belinda Carlisle, Mae West) and that Lou Gehrig played in his record 1,308th consecutive game this day in 1933 and that the Beatles replaced Pete Best with Ringo on this day in 1962, and I think we can all admit that August 17 is the best day EVER!

I feel there were some pretty big omissions in the issue:
- Beatles playing on Ed Sullivan
- Blondie recording "Rapture" (rap wouldn't have been as big without it)
- The Day the Music Died (killed Richie Valens, Buddy Holly, and The Big Bopper and inspired "American Pie")
- The creation of CDs
- Elvis' comeback special (the creative spark of MTV's Unplugged or any acoustic jams)
- Pink Floyd recording "Dark Side of the Moon"
- Alanis Morissette recording "You Oughta Know" (more important than the Lilith Fair)
- Wham! performing in China in April 1985 (becoming the first English-speaking pop group to do so)
Then again, that's just me...

Went to amFAR Rocks last night at Tavern on the Green, and my crazy friend won a silent auction for an autographed picture of Larry Thomas... winning bid: $250. Who, you ask, is Larry Thomas? Why he's the Soup Nazi, of course. Yes, an autographed napkin with a lipstick kiss from Britney Spears went for $300, while my friend paid $250 for a menacing picture of the Soup Nazi with the inscription "No Soup for You! Larry Thomas, "Soup Nazi." It's a good thing he's a well-paid investment banker, but it makes me question his investment advice.

Also interesting to note that one of the items auctioned off was a tour for 2 of the MTV studios led by John Norris and seats to a TRL taping. The high bid when I last checked was $375 (the placard claimed the retail value as "priceless"). I was tempted to write down the names and numbers of the losing bidders and offer them the same deal (with me instead of John Norris) for the bargain price of $50, but didn't. However if any of you are out there, drop me a line...

Finally, the celeb factor was decidedly small (I think because the premiere of Fahrenheit 9/11 was also last night and drew much bigger names). Sadly, I think people were most excited to see Carson Kressley (of Queer Eye fame). Do you think that nowadays if someone mentions the name "Carson," he's who comes to mind most often? It's definitely not Johnny, and I think he may have surpassed Daly at this point. That's very bothersome to me.

By the way, the verdict on Dodgeball is that it's basically Happy Gilmore but with Vince Vaughn instead of Adam Sandler, Ben Stiller instead of Christopher McDonald, it's about dodgeball instead of golf, and it's not nearly as funny (which is sad because I'm not wild about Happy Gilmore to begin with). I wasn't expecting a great movie, but this thing was so predictable, and Ben Stiller was so bad, and it's definitely not the type of humor these guys are good at. Regardless, I'm sure it'll rake in the dough.

The secret band that will be in Mark Burnett's answer to American Idol has been revealed to be... INXS?!? Is anything sacred anymore? And does anyone besides me really care about INXS anymore? Still, there's burning out, there's fading away, and now apparently there's deciding to become a karaoke band. Very sad.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MARY-KATE AND ASHLEY!

The Olsens are finally 18.
The hunt is on.

R.I.P., Ray Charles. As someone who took piano lessons for 12 years, blind pianists like him and Stevie Wonder never ceased to amaze me. It's hard enough to play with the music right in front of, let alone without looking at the music, let alone without looking at the keys. But to compose music without being able to write it down and look back at it boggles the mind. He sure was talented.

This week's issue of Time Out New York has an article about David Hasselhoff releasing a rap album under the name "Hassel the Hoff," produced by Ice-T. Since that is not the most reliable source, and the story sounds more than ridiculous, I did some research... and sure enough, it's true. The world is officially coming to an end.

Going to a screening of Dodgeball in about 2 hours... so soon I will know if watching this terrible-looking movie about guys getting hit in the head with a dodgeball will be more or less painful than actually getting hit in the head with a dodgeball.

Guess what I am now holding in my hands? That's right... VELVET REVOLVER'S "CONTRABAND" CD!!! And it's on pace to enter Billboard at #1... TRL, get ready to ROCK!!!

Pee-Wee's Playhouse is finally coming to DVD!

I have some sad news to inform you about... I just learned that one of my favorite bloggers, Koolgrrrl, was killed on her way back from the Celine Dion concert in Vegas. Car crash. Tragic. I'd been wondering why she hadn't posted in several months. Anyway, as sad as it is, I guess it's better that she died on her way back instead of on the way there, because at least she saw the show and presumably died happy.

Near, far, wherever you are...
Koolgrrrl, you will be missed.

Since I really have nothing else to write about today, here's a list of my 10 favorite movies of all time (listed alphabetically):
1) Amadeus
2) Beetlejuice
3) City Lights
4) City of God
5) Fargo
6) Fast Times at Ridgemont High
7) Raging Bull
8) Requiem for a Dream
9) Searching for Bobby Fischer
10) Singin' in the Rain
Oldest movie on list: City Lights
Newest movie on list: City of God
Number of movies in black & white: 2
Number of Chaplin movies that potentially could've made this list: 3
Number of times I was shown Amadeus in a class in high school: 4
Number of times I saw the entire movie in high school: 0
Number of times I've seen Beetlejuice: 64 (at last count)
Number of people I know who didn't get that the "this is a true story" tag at the beginning of Fargo is a joke: countless
Number of comedies on my list: 5
Number of comedies featuring Marlon Wayans: 0
Number of dramas featuring Marlon Wayans: 1
Amount of money you'd have to pay me to see Marlon Wayans' newest movie, White Chicks: at least $500
Number of listed films for which I own the soundtrack: 2
Actor who appears in the most movies on this list: William H. Macy (2)
Number of good movies Joan Allen has been in since Searching for Bobby Fischer: 5
Number of good movies Max Pomeranc has been in since Searching for Bobby Fischer: 0
Number of consecutive weeks City of God has been playing in a Manhattan movie theater: 71
Highest grossing film on the list: Beetlejuice
Current lowest price for a copy of the book Fast Times at Ridgemont High on Half.com: $71.76
Number of letters I've written to Cameron Crowe in the hope he'd send me a free copy of the book: 1
Number of responses I've gotten: 0

Eminem, low blow making fun of Axl. Come on, I expect much better from you...

Has anyone else noticed that the Snapple commercial titled "The Robot" doesn't make any sense? The robot kills a female bottle and drinks her Snapple innards, spilling the liquid all over itself in the process, and is fine. Yet when the police bottles spray it with a water hose, it short-circuits. Why didn't the female Snapple innards cause it to short-circuit? If it can survive one, it should be able to survive both. Tsk tsk, Snapple script supervisors.

P.S. I love the sound the robot makes when it's drinking the Snapple... "yumyumyum"

When I was in Long Beach, I heard a report on the radio that Def Leppard will be releasing an album of 70s covers in September. This cannot be a good idea. Even though I'm a big fan of the Lep, I've made it clear how much I despise covers. But it got me thinking... as bad as most of them are, what are some of the absolute worst covers of all time?
- Madonna's "American Pie"
- Mandy Moore's "God Only Knows"
- Limp Bizkit's "Faith"
- Britney Spears' "I Love Rock & Roll" (losing further points because she said in interviews that the original was sung by Pat Benatar)
- Guns N Roses' "Sympathy for the Devil"
- Billy Idol's "L.A. Woman"
- Ataris' "Boys of Summer"
- Bloodhoung Gang's "Along Comes Mary"
- Orgy's "Blue Monday"
- t.A.t.U.'s "How Soon Is Now"
- Good Charlotte's "If You Leave"
- System of a Down's "The Metro"
- Duff sisters' "Our Lips Are Sealed"
- Leif Garrett's "Surfin' USA"
I know I've left off tons of them, but I do actually have to get some work done... so this is a start.

I know that, like the rest of us, David Hasselhoff is trying to cope with the break-up of Creed... but drinking is not the way to handle his grief.

By the way, Sway's annoucement of the break-up on Friday's show would only have been more entertaining had the audio department been able to insert a sound effect of crickets chirping. You be the judge:
Sway: "So, y'all know Creed, right?"
(2 seconds of awkward silence)
or
Sway: "So, y'all know Creed, right?"
(1 second of awkward silence, then "chirp chirp")

Our producer guaranteed that if Velvet Revolver's CD reaches #1 on the Billboard chart, they will be booked to perform on TRL. So that means starting tomorrow, everyone go out and buy at least 5 copies of Contraband.

Do it.

And if you need to be further persuaded, it's streaming on mtv.com, so give a listen, especially "Fall to Pieces" (which is a crossover hit if I ever heard one).

This list of the 50 Greatest Song Parts is bizarre and definitely missing countless great moments (how can you even narrow this down to 50?), but worth reading if you've got 10 minutes of free time.

Make sure you watch this Friday's TRL for this incredible sound byte during Sway's MTV News piece:
"I was gonna call it 'Inside My Head,' which is cool because it's, like, deep."
- Avril Lavigne, on coming up with album titles.
Yes Avril, you are deep. Like, you know, for sure!

Yet another thing I wrote for TRL that will never see the light of day... this one was for the Wednesday's Live Hit, which was described in the format as "Ashlee Simpson and Amanda Bynes tease each other":

ASHLEE
-WHAT’S UP, I’M ASHLEE SIMPSON

AMANDA
-AND I’M AMANDA BYNES
-TODAY WE’RE GONNA BE ON TRL

ASHLEE
-HEY AMANDA, HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED THAT YOU HAVE A LOT OF FRECKLES?
-YOU REALLY SHOULD STAY OUT OF THE SUN

AMANDA
-MAYBE I WOULDN’T HAVE THAT PROBLEM
-IF MY NOSE COULD THROW SHADE OVER MY WHOLE BODY LIKE YOURS DOES

ASHLEE
-THAT’S FUNNY
-BY THE WAY, I SAW “WHAT A GIRL WANTS”
-AND WHAT THIS GIRL WANTS IS FOR YOU TO DROP DEAD

AMANDA
-LOOK, IF JESSICA GOT ALL THE TALENT IN YOUR FAMILY
-I’M SURPRISED YOU CAN EVEN PEE WITHOUT FALLING IN THE TOILET

ASHLEE
-AT LEAST I DON’T THINK I’M LINDSAY LOHAN

AMANDA
-AT LEAST CARSON DIDN’T FUCK ME IN THE POO HOLE!

ASHLEE
-ANYWAY, GET THOSE LAST MINUTE VOTES IN

AMANDA
-AND KEEP IT LOCKED
-CAUSE TRL STARTS AT 5

I also have to say that Ashlee's performance is one of the worst live performances I've ever heard. She sounded like a goose... a tone-deaf goose. Everyone on staff was cringing. Brilliant television.

Gotta take time out of my work here to post this link... someone was smart enough to play both Nickelback hits over each other, and yes, they are in fact exactly this same song...

Waking up at 5:15am sucked...
On my flight I managed to get an entire row to myself, but an ill-advised gloating wave to a co-worker caused her to come and sit with me the whole flight, eliminating my ability to lie down...
Been in California for 6 hours and already have sunburned arms, thanks to eating lunch outside...
In other words, things couldn't be better.

I'll be in Long Beach shooting the at the MTV Beach House for the next week, so postings may be few and far between... sorry.

Things I learned from Velvet Revolver's concert at Roseland last night:
1) Heroin makes you cut. Both Scott Weiland and Duff are in such incredible shape... washboard abs, no body fat... maybe I should start shooting up to get me a six-pack.
2) Fuel's popularity was probably imaginary. I seemed to be the only person who recognized the lead singer, Brett Scallions, standing in the audience (and I only did because I'd seen him perform "It's So Easy" with Camp Freddy, another pseduo-GnR band).
3) Matt Pinfield is short. Really short.
4) "Sex Type Thing" is more popular than any Guns N Roses song. The crowd went insane during this song, more so than for any of the original VR material or for "It's So Easy," "Used to Love Her," or even "Mr. Brownstone." Very surprising.
5) Scott Weiland is made out of Jello. I don't know how he contorts his body like that, unless he has no bones. He really is a human snake.
6) VR's material is pretty damn good. The band is really tight, they mesh well, and they rock. The sound at Roseland wasn't great, but from the taste I got (and based on the singles "Set Me Free" and "Slither" that I've heard studio versions of), the album will be good. I just hope it's successful. My guess is it'll have a strong debut (Top 3), then plummet very quickly. But I have my fingers crossed that it'll have longevity.

Nothing like a "witness" to spin a story out of control. Avril caused the studio to "power down"? Come on...

Can this possibly be true? If it is, that's awesome. If not, this is still a hell of a prank. Either way, "Andy Kaufman" writes a more interesting blog than I do.

Pretty damn funny...

Who couldn't see this coming? (Hehe, Spanky...)

Alrighty, Avril Lavigne just freaked out on TRL and flipped everyone the bird... and those hawks at the NOC did nothing with the 5-second delay. That will be great... I'm sure MTV will get in trouble again, just as we're heading out to California for the beach house. Thanks Avril... and thanks NOC for doing such a bang-up job.

Poor Cyndi Lauper (scroll down to the 4th story)... birds can be such harsh critics.

This New York Times article talks about Serena Williams training for the French Open in Cannes so that she could mingle with celebrities. When she talked to Tom Hanks, she told him that she's seen Turner and Hooch at least 50 times... how does Tom Hanks even respond to that? That's worse than seeing Joe vs. the Volcano 50 times. I'd make a joke about finding out which Williams sister is Turner and which one is Hooch, but I'm not that mean.

Speaking of bad movies, over the weekend I was forced to watch the first 2 Harry Potter movies on DVD and come up with trivia questions and a list of spells for the TRL Harry Potter contest. I don't know about you, but my idea of a fun weekend doesn't include spending 5 hours watching crap (although I managed to cut it down significantly by turning on the subtitles, playing the movie at double speed and simply reading the dialogue). Anyway, I aimed at making the questions ridiculously hard, even for these supposed Harry Potter junkies, and out of 10 questions, one contestant got 3 right, one got 4, one got 8, and one freak of a girl actually got all 10! How the hell did she know the license plate number of the Dursley's flying car? How did she know how many points the dorm that won the House Cup in the 1st movie had? Damn her. And yes, it does bother me that I now know all this stuff too. What a waste of brain space.

Saw a screening of Saved! last night. It had gotten good buzz, and the previews looked decent, so I went in with a positive attitude. And yes, while it's better than the recent crap I've had to see (Raising Helen, Soul Plane), it was somewhat of a letdown. They give away most of the funny parts in the preview. It attempts to make Jena Malone's confused teenager a better arguer on Christian faith than her pastor. They try to make Mandy Moore's ultra-religious character the villian, but it's hard to feel bad for her when there's a scene near the end with her crying and praying to God about what to do so that the audience realizes that she is in fact doing what she thinks is right in the eyes of God. Not a bad movie, just not particularly good.
And while my posts too often argue the merits of the Beach Boys, the film's opening with a terrible cover version of "God Only Knows" by Mandy Moore was a travesty. Not only did she suck all the feeling out of the song, but she had the audacity to turn it into a sing-a-long ("God only knows what I'd be without you... COME ON EVERYONE!"). I'm tempted to say something to her about it when she comes to TRL on Thursday... but I think we can all guess how likely that is.

Tommy handed me his A-Z mix, which is on 2 discs, in blatent disregard to the rules. Anyone can make two 13-song mixes... the trick is to fit 26 good tracks onto one. If you read this Tommy, FOR SHAME!!!

Track list for the latest CD in my mix project with Tommy. Topic: one CD, 26 tracks, A-Z (either artist or song title), with (very) select liner notes.

1. Idlewild - American English: Put on a mix by my Scottish friend Laurie in my original mix project. I liked this song so much that I bought their CD. Sadly, the rest of the album is, as the Scottish say, "shite."
2. Simon & Garfunkel - Baby Driver
3. Josie Cotten - Johnny Are You Queer?
4. Joy Division - Digital: I recently watched 24 Hour Party People and am now obsessed with this song.
5. Eels - Going to Your Funeral, Pt. 1
6. V.A.S.T. - Free
7. Go-Go's - Speeding
8. Colin Hay - Overkill: I heard this version for the first time on Scrubs, one of Tommy's favorite shows... that's why it made the mix.
9. ZZ Top - I Thank You
10. Jellyfish - Ghost at Number One: Probably the closest any modern band has come to sounding like the Beach Boys.
11. Kinks - Harry Rag
12. Cure - Love Song: One of my favorite love songs ever. So simple yet so effective.
13. They Might Be Giants - Mammal
14. Nirvana - Territorial Pissings
15. Bob Dylan - Oxford Town
16. Tom Petty - Apartment Song
17. Queen - Bicycle Race
18. Tommy Roe - Sweet Pea: If you were to look up "earworm" in the dictionary, it would list this song's chorus as the example.
19. Marvelous 3 - Sugarbuzz
20. Blind Melon - Three is a Magic Number: This song just missed out on our previous mix topic, Cover Songs, so I'm glad I could put it in here.
21. Urge - Jump Right In
22. Van Halen - Beautiful Girls
23. Cat Stevens - Wind
24. Seconds - X: This is what Tommy gets when I'm forced to put in a song for X and don't want to use the band X because I'm sure he owns all their albums.
25. Guns 'N' Roses - You're Crazy
26. Zebrahead - Someday
(bonus track) : From a recent episode of South Park. Butters would tap-dance to this song. Don't know why it makes me laugh as hard as it does, but it does.

Simpsons Geek Alert!!!
In last night's episode, Krusty gets choked up reading the Red Dress Press. Kinda tough to do, seeing as how he CAN'T READ! Who is running things over there? Very sloppy. Hopefully they'll get their shit together over the summer.

The new Seinfeld / Superman AmEx short, "Hindsight," is up. Not as funny as the first one, but still pretty good.

By the way, last night I saw a screening of The Day After Tomorrow, and it wasn't that good (I know, is there any movie other than Napoleon Dynamite that I have liked recently? Doesn't seem that way...). The movie started out alright, and actually one of the coolest part was the credit sequence, which was a long pan across the Arctic Ocean in which the names in the credits created wavy reflections in the water. The destruction of earth was okay, but ended less than an hour into the film. The next hour was tediously boring and ridiculously stupid... somehow Dennis Quaid was able to walk from DC to Manhattan in the worst snowstorm ever in a matter of days. I MapQuested it, and the distance is 226.54 miles. Not bloody likely, methinks. Anyway, I'm glad that at least I'm not paying money to see these films. Next up: Saved, on Monday. My first ever Mandy Moore movie. I'm excited.
Oh, The Day After Tomorrow had one opportunity to make a joke that would've saved the entire movie and didn't do it. There are these 3 scientists (don't worry, this isn't a spoiler) who are stranded in a shack in Scotland and they've run out of fuel and have no way of getting out. One of them says "Don't worry, we have plenty of tea and biscuits... as long as the lew doesn't clog up, we'll be fine." All 3 laugh uncomfortably, then one by one stop laughing when reality about their imminent death sets in. There's a moment when the first guy stops laughing where I wish he'd said, "Um, about that..." and there'd be a slow camera pan (with melodramatic music playing in the background) to the toilet, which is clogged. Oh man, that would've been funny.

Okay, I had a very random revelation recently. I think I've figured out the secret to a successful movie aimed at teenage girls: breasts! It seems so obvious now. Let's take a look at recent movies:
Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen: Lindsay Lohan with average breasts = average hit
Lizzie McGuire Movie: Hilary Duff with big breasts (for a 15/16-year-old) = big opening weekend
Mean Girls: Lindsay Lohan with huge breasts (especially for a 17-year-old) = huge hit
13 Going on 30: Jennifer Garner with good-size breasts = successful
Prince & Me: Julia Stiles with fairly small breasts = fairly small gross
New York Minute: Olsen twins with no breasts = bomb
So what is it about big breasts that draws teenage girls? Do they want what they don't have? Is the audience really filled with horny teenage boys (or sleazy older men)? Someone should really research this further.

Fox finally announced its 2004/05 line-up, and thankfully, Arrested Development is on the schedule! But what is this crap about 24 not coming back until January?

Congratulations to Randy Johnson for pitching a perfect game last night. Insane how well he's doing at his age (ditto Clemens). It's a shame that Randy's career didn't really take off until he was 27. Another few years in his prime and he could've shattered some records. I also appreciate the fact that the Atlanta fans gave him such a great ovation after the game. Way to acknowledge something that's great for the game, even if it wasn't good for your team. Think Philadelphia fans would've done that?

I also think it's hilarious that Sammy Sosa has to go on the DL due to a strained ligament in his back after sneezing too hard. His body must be a wreck after taking steroids for so long and then stopping. He deserves anything bad that happens to him. Good riddance.

Saw Raising Helen last night and, as expected, it sucked. It didn't help that I was so friggin' hungry and the movie couldn't go more than 5 minutes without showing some sort of food: brownies, cakes, ham, rack of lamb, pancakes. There hasn't been as much focus on food in a movie since Eat Drink Man Woman. Pure torture.

We are inching ever closer to hearing an official, completed version of Smile... can't wait!

Jimmy Fallon is leaving SNL. So now nobody will be laughing at any sketches (unless they feature Amy Poehler).

Watched VH1’s 50 Most Awesomely Bad Songs Ever over the weekend, and while their list has some merits, they have a few major errors... I will now attempt to adjust the list by swapping out certain songs:
1. “We Built This City” – replace with LFO’s “Summer Girls”
- “Summer Girls” is by far the worst song ever recorded EVER! Terrible beat, ridiculously amateur lyrics… I once saw an interview with them in which they discussed how everything in the song is true: “New Kids on the Block did have a bunch of hits, and Chinese food does make me sick.” Yeah, so does this song. If they were so intent on singing honestly, they should’ve sung about how they are talentless suck-asses.
3. “Everybody Have Fun Tonight” – replace with Kid Rock’s “Bawitdaba”
- The comedians on the show claim that they don’t know what it means to “Wang Chung” (Do they also not know what it means to turn Japanese? Or to she-bop?)… I don’t know what “Bawitdaba” means, but I can assume it translates into “Kid Rock blows.”
5. “Ice Ice Baby” – replace with Vanilla Ice’s “Play That Funky Music”
- I still own the cassette of To The Extreme, although I haven’t listened to it in at least a decade… but having listened to the whole album at one time, I know that he did much more damage to Wild Cherry than to Queen & David Bowie.
10. “Heart of Rock N Roll” – replace with Justin Timberlake’s “Rosalita”
- Possibly the worst sing-along section in all of recorded music. It’s bad enough that Justin sings off-key during it, but I think he purposely rounded up the worst group of singers possible to make him sound that much better. At least N’Sync could harmonize (or at least used computers to do so).
12. “Hangin’ Tough” – replace with New Kid’s “Step by Step”
- All I remember about this song is a horrible rap interlude with lines like “Step 1: We can have lots of fun. Step 2: There’s so much we can do.” Why I remember that, I don’t know, but it’s embedded into my brain and I’ll never forgive NKOTB for that.
15. “Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm” – replace with Des’ree’s “You Gotta Be”
- You gotta be kidding me that this song was ever popular.
16. “Final Countdown” – replace with Baha Men’s “Who Let the Dogs Out”
- How “Final Countdown” made the list boggles the mind. I could wake up every morning to this song and be psyched for the day. And how did Baha Men not make the list? No, seriously. I don’t even need to write anything to justify this, cause I think you all already know how bad that song is.
19. “You’re the Inspiration” – replace with Lynyrd Skynyrd’s “Red White & Blue”
- People claim that Chicago went downhill during the 80s… well, I was never a real Skynyrd fan, but they have an unparalleled plummet if their entire new album is as bad as their patriotic first single, with lyrics such as “My Daddy worked hard, and so have I,
paid our taxes and gave our lives to serve this great country, so what are they complaining about? Yeah we love our families, we love our kids, you know it is love that makes us all so rich. That's where were at... if they don't like it they can just get the HELL out!” Flows like butter, eh?
24. “Sussudio” – replace with Madonna’s “American Pie”
- The show pointed out with this song that even a Grammy-winning, hugely-successful singer wasn’t safe from this list. Using that logic, I point to possibly the worst cover ever recorded. She turned a poignant, clever homage to great music of the past into a techno train wreck that made me long for the great music of Madonna’s past. And she had the gall to edit out 4 verses... which, come to think of it, may not have been a bad thing, since it made her version much shorter.
29. “I’d Do Anything for Love” – replace with Celine Dion’s “It’s All Coming Back to Me Now”
- She ripped off the song structure and video, but made it sound much much worse.
32. “Broken Wings” – replace by Geri Halliwell's "Look at Me”
- Her first single after she left The Spice Girls has a bridge section that sounds worse than the entire Spice Girls catalog mashed together and played at once. I've never changed a channel during the first time I've heard a song faster than I did during that song.
40. “What’s Up” - replace with Ce Ce Peniston’s “Finally”
- One of the first reasons why I hate dance music. At least the song opened her up to jokes about her name.
50. “Sunglasses at Night” – replace with Third Eye Blind’s “Losing a Whole Year”
- Stephen Jenkins screaming “I remember you and me used to spend the whole goddamn day in bed.” And I remember when bands used to have talent. The falsetto voice singing the title during the chorus is the musical equivalent of nails across a chalkboard.

Naturaly after I rant about it on Tuesday, fate would cause my bosses to assign me to attend a screening of Raising Helen next Monday. That's great. Thanks.

Okay, I'm officially fed up with the crap that passes for "music" these days. MTVU plays a video for "Snowflakes" by Just Jack approximately once an hour. In that song, Just Jack samples the Cure's "Lullaby" and replaces Robert Smith's original lyrics and haunting voice with infantile lyrics that are half-sung/half-rapped by a white thug-wannabe poser. This sampling nonsense has to stop! It's not cool or creative; it simply means that artists don't have the talent to write their own melodies. Jessica Simpson's "I Think I'm in Love with You" did it with "Jack & Diane," 5ive's "Everybody Get Up" did it with "I Love Rock and Roll"... the list goes on and on. Covers are almost as bad, but at least they admit to their lack of originality and don't try to pass themselves off as something they're not. Stop ruining good music (not that "Jack & Diane" is good... it was simply an example of sampling I thought of off the top of my head) and write your own songs, you untalented asses!

EVERYONE SHOULD SEE NAPOLEON DYNAMITE!!!
Saw a screening of Napoleon Dynamite last night, and I'm making a claim that this is the funniest film of the year... you heard it here first. The movie has little (if any) plot, but who cares if it's simply a character piece... the writing, acting, pacing, and directing are all top-notch. For at least the first 20 minutes, I didn't stop laughing or chuckling the entire time. I'm guessing that when June rolls around, "Heck yeah!" will replace "Don't be stupid, stupid!" as catchphrase of the moment. Trust me on this one.

I would've refused to see Raising Helen based on the trailer, but even before then I knew I'd be boycotting it based solely on the title. Punny titles are the worst... and normal puns are bad enough (Beautician and the Beast), but when they do it with names, argh! I can just picture the pitch for this... "It's like 'Raising Hell,' which is cool, but the girl's name is Helen, so it's 'Raising Helen'... clever, right?" Hardly. What's next, "Walk Like Amanda?" "Stark Raving Madison?" "Live or Let Diane?" Shit, I hope I'm not giving people ideas...

Things I Learned Watching the Survivor All-Star Finale & Reunion:
1) Even reality shows aren't safe from stunt casting during sweeps. At some point between the time they left the island to the time they reunited at MSG, Amber was replaced by a liposuctioned Trishelle, Boston Rob was replaced by A.C. Slater, and Jenna L. was replaced by a less-attractive Liz Phair.
2) Rupert rules! I loved that when he came back for the first time as a juror, he was still wearing his tie-dye shirt. Everyone who'd been kicked out before him had cleaned themselves up and changed into fancy clothes, but not Rupert. I was beginning to wonder if he even owned another shirt until he came out for the final jury wearing a button-down shirt.
3) Big Tom creates killer catchphrases. I hope that "Don't be stupid, stupid!" becomes as big as "Show me the money!" did.
4) Large groups of people are always retarded. Who the hell would want to be at MSG to watch this live, let alone pay a scalper $450 for tickets? The cheering, the booing, the "awwwwwww-ing" was all so grating... it's okay to watch the show, but come on, get a life!
5) There are exceptions. The one time I was pleased with the audience was when they booed Jerri so much that she left during the commercial break. Hilarious! Her life is just completely ruined. She could've been singing "The National Anthem" and still gotten booed offstage.
6) CBS is just as bad as NBC. Anyone who DVRed (or, if old-school, taped) the finale and not the reunion missed finding out the winner. It's not that hard to properly schedule programming, or if it was planned that the winner would be revealed during the reunion, tell people about it!
7) The "shocking twist" was a major let-down. Viewer's choice award is a cool concept (especially since it will hopefully make Rupert a millionaire), but it's hardly a shocking twist. Oh, and if CBS is reading, you may want to fix the voting link, which doesn't seem to be registering votes at all.
Now that the season is over, hopefully I can cut myself off from Survivor as I did after the first season ended.

Simpsons geek rant:
It's bad enough that the humor has vanished from the show, but now the show isn't even caring enough to properly follow its own history. Milhouse claimed Homer was his first kiss... has he forgotten about Samantha Stanky? And Homer claimed he's only kissed one woman is his life, when in fact also he's kissed Mindy Simmons, Lurlene, Amber (his Vegas wife), and even Selma (at least I think it was Selma) during last night's episode! Come on people, pay attention...