On VH1 Classic: Paul Carrack, "Don't Shed a Tear."
Officemate: "He was everywhere. Squeeze, Mike & the Mechanics, solo. He's like the 'cooler' Phil Collins."
Me: "Everyone in the world is the 'cooler' Phil Collins."

There's a horrible article on Page 2 of ESPN.com, claiming that racism is "the only explanation for the near-universal hatred of our Olympic basketball team." Nice generalization. As long as we're writing gross exaggerations, how about this one: Jason Whitlock has written the worst article I have ever read. And at least mystatement has some semblance of truth.

Some Quick Moving-Related Notes
Original day AT&T service was scheduled to be hooked up in my new apartment: Monday
Time AT&T Customer Service told me phone would be working, after a call to complain about lack of service on Monday night: by Tuesday, 5pm
Actual time phone guy showed up: Wednesday, 11am
Time phone guy left: Wednesday, 12:00pm
Time he said I would have a dial-tone: by Wednesday, 5pm
Time I called AT&T Customer Service to complain I had no dial-tone: Wednesday, 5:15pm
Time they told me I would have a dial-tone: by Wednesday, 11:59pm
Time I called AT&T Customer Service again to complain I still had no dial-tone: today, 10am
Time they told me I would have a dial-tone: by today, 5pm
Time I will actually have a dial-tone: ???
Time of my Time-Warner Cable appointment: Wednesday 12-4pm
Time the cable guy showed up: 3:45pm
Time he finished the job: 5:07pm
Number of new DVR boxes I requested to replace my broken one: 1
Number of new DVR boxes the cable guy brought: 0
Number of wires cable guy forgot to set-up before loading all of his equipment back into the truck: 1
Number of times cable guy used my bathroom during my appointment: 2
Number of angry phone calls I got from co-workers for not coming into the office yesterday: 3

If you don't like having to wait for each day's NY Post to get your fix of photos of drunken celebrities, you'll like this site...

The upcoming movie Team America has been getting a ton of press lately, including a cover story in Sunday's New York Times Arts & Leisure section. I just watched the trailer, and even though there's only 1 line of dialogue, it looks incredible. If it's at least as funny as a typical episode of South Park, it could be phenomenal.

Larry King's interview with Brian Wilson was an embarrassing display of poor research, a lack of listening, and general stupidity on Larry's part. Some of the lowlights:
- "You harmonized well?" (re: the Beach Boys)
- "And how about Mike Love. He was a friend?" (this was asked several minutes after Larry read off a card that Mike is Brian's cousin)
And, the worst offense...
- "Do you write your own songs?"

Could Be Worse
I would complain about what a pain-in-the-ass moving was this weekend (the whole 20 yards down the street), but at least I'm not my sister, who got her toe caught in the escalator at the new SoHo Bloomingdales and had her toenail ripped off, or my roommate, who got hit by a cab walking to the subway this morning, flew through the air, and landed on his back, needing stitches on the back of his head. I hope they both have swift recoveries.
And apparently my roommate's shoe flew off from the impact, and nobody was able to find it... so if anyone discovers a random shoe on the corner of 75th and Amsterdam, please let me know.

"Bullets, Not Boobs."
- porn star / former gubernatorial candidate / former high school classmate of mine, Mary Carey.

I'm Definitely SMILEing... At Least for Now
Tickets for Brian Wilson performing Smile in its entirety at Carnegie Hall went on sale this morning, and as expected, the traffic was too much for their website to handle. So after finally ordering 2 tickets in the first tier (for myself and Sticking Point Tommy), I managed to get through on the phone and land 2 tickets on the floor in the 5th row! I clicked a button on the website that claims it can cancel the online order, but got no confirmation, and since the order number is the same for both, I'll either a) end up with both pairs and sell the worse ones, b) end up with just the 5th row seats, or c) get neither and kill myself. Go b!

The headline Aborted Baby's Head Left Inside Woman says it all... but just in case, luckily there's a picture.

This game is a lot of fun and a great way to kill time... plus, according to its scoring system, I'm a "Pretty Cool Guy." And that's always nice to hear...

This article has some great classic ESPN clips, bloopers, commercials, etc.

Those Crazy Japanese
It's been a while since I've linked to anything porn-related, so here's perhaps the strangest, funniest porn (or non-porn) website ever.

Something Good Actually Came Out of Alien vs. Predator
I'd heard about this years ago and didn't think it would ever actually get made. Dunno if it'd be any good, but anything to give Bruce Campbell more work is fine with me... and maybe if it's a success, it'll pave the way for Chucky vs. Leprechaun... or Pinhead vs. Leatherface. So many possibilities...

I seem to be the only person my age who dislikes the Darkness (what's so good about a singer with a voice like nails on a chalkboard?), so this story is particularly funny to me, but I think everyone can enjoy it.

Bloggers, way to stick it to The Man!

Any musicians who released their first album on the day I was born are now officially eligible to enter the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame.

Reason #49 Not To Get a Tattoo While Drunk
I met a guy at a party over the weekend who got the state of Florida (in what looks like green Sharpie) on the top of his left foot. He also has "SOUTH" spelled out across his toes, which I thought was meant to be the key for the map, but I later found out that he has "DIRTY" spelled across the toes on his other foot (the fact that Florida does not qualify as part of the Dirty South is another issue entirely).

Things I've Learned the Past Few Weeks at Work
- Anne Hathaway has a major problem with sweaty pits. Her nipples are also overly-sensitive to the cold. And she's almost certainly a lesbian.
- When Quddus reads the word "adjective" off of a cue card, he makes it rhyme with "objective."
- Tom Cruise is either the nicest celebrity on the face of the earth, or he acts like he is (although my money is that he's genuine).
- Vanessa Carlton's socks are sweatier after 10 seconds of moonwalking than mine are after an hour-long workout.
- More TRL viewers tune in to see New Found Glory than to see the cast of Collateral.
- If you ever find yourself in a room with Jet Li and want to laugh, ask him to say the word "happy." He pronounces it "High-pee." If discussing the movie Hero, however, do not ask him who his hero is ("No hero! Just me!").

Cheers and Jeers from Last Night's CSN Concert
Jeers to LI public transportation. The train from Penn Station arrives into Freeport Station at 7:19, just as the 7:20 bus to Jones Beach Theater leaves. Not another train until 8:10... concert starts at 8. With 20,000 people coming to the theater, shouldn't there be buses running nonstop instead of every 50 minutes? We had to share an insanely overpriced taxi with 3 other strangers to get to the venue on-time.
Cheers to my friend Amy. She got free tickets 6 rows from the stage and backstage passes.
Cheers to the band. They sounded great.
Jeers to Stephen Stills. When he sings, he sounds like he has no tongue.
Jeers to man breasts. Nash has them. Crosby's are even bigger. Not a good look.
Cheers to Graham Nash. He was very friendly and appreciative when I talked to him backstage. Although I think it's just because he's interested in Amy. Nevertheless...
Cheers to the kindness of strangers. After we left the backstage party, we realized the buses back to the train station had stopped running. As we were about to hop into another overpriced cab, a couple we had talked to backstage offered us a ride to the station, then ended up taking us all the way back to Penn Station. Very cool.
Jeers to strangers who turn out to be creepy. The ride and conversation were perfectly pleasant until I brought up Governor McGreevey (the couple was from Jersey) and the driver goes off on a rant about how everyone in the world who is angry is simply a "repressed faggot" (much to the chagrin of his embarrassed wife). Luckily we had just gotten through the Midtown Tunnel, so we only had to endure about 5 minutes of this.

I Never Thought This Happens in Real Life
Yesterday on the show, "TRL favorite" Vanessa Carlton actually read her own name off the cue card, not realizing her name was simply there to cue her as to where in the script to start...

I'm the reigning office champion of Lightning Reaction... after about a dozen rounds, I was the only person who hadn't been shocked (this is roughly the equivalent of being King of the Idiots). Although once everyone stopped playing and VJ Vanessa convinced me to shock myself just to be part of the team, I was the only one stupid enough to pass the controller from one hand to the other to get a double-shock instead of simply dropping it or holding onto it...

Well this is one way to ensure a memorable wedding...

Not to name drop, but my cousin made the front page of yesterdays' Arts section of the New York Times...

Does anyone else think that Adam Levine's vocals on the new Maroon 5 song, "She Will Be Loved," sounds just as robotic as the vocals on "One More Time" by Daft Punk?

A Macy Gray's greatest hits album should be the shortest CD since Fine Young Cannibal's Finest.

The fact that even the voice-over actors for The Simpsons are dissing the show speaks volumes... although I would say its decline started closer to 6 years ago than 3.

I Missed the (Party) Bus
Friday, just after 7pm, I'm walking east on 75th St. between B'way and Amsterdam with two co-workers. Immersed in conversation, we don't notice the giant, decked out bus driving past us, heading west... that is, until I hear someone banging on the bus window. I look up just in time to see a very hot, very topless girl waving at us (er, at me, since my friends didn't look up in time). My reflexes too slow, I simply stared as the bus drove past.
"Did you see that? There was a naked girl in there!" I said to my companions.
"What?" they both replied at the same time.
We turned around just in time to see the bus (which had Party Bus written in big black letters on the back) turn north on Broadway and leave our lives forever. So if anyone knows the location of Party Bus (or simply of the hot naked chick), let me know.

This morning, probably for the first time ever, there was a story about the University of Pennsylvania on the giant Times Square ABC / ESPN news ticker... seems that our basketball coach Fran Dunphy has been offered the head coach position at LaSalle... which I guess means it's more of a LaSalle story than a UPenn story, but I'll still take it.

Love is a beautiful thing...

ESPN.com, or at least its bastard stepbrother Page 3, gives a shout-out to TRL in this article about baseball players' bizarre choices for entrance music... but a better article simply lists every player's song. Denny Stark of the Colorado Rockies gets props for being the only player to request Stone Temple Pilots ("Vasoline").

It's official... Brian Wilson is playing Carnegie Hall! Woo-hoo!

Although a very simple concept, this is actually a great few minutes of animation (with a good soundtrack, too).

It's On Like Donkey Kong!
VH1's Inside(Out) - Hulk Hogan, Stage Dad is incredible! An hour of watching the Hulkster alternate between his aggressive, catchphrase-a-second persona and his doting-father persona. The man's a living Jeckyl & Hyde. There's no chance his daughter Brooke will ever be successful, but at least she's giving it a try, which resulted in this program.

P.S. Aaron Carter makes an appearance for no reason whatsoever, and wow, puberty has not been kind to him... pockmarks galore. How he managed to snag both Hilary Duff and Lindsay Lohan is beyond comprehension.

Pamela Anderson was on the show yesterday to promote her new book, Star. We did a Madlibs-style stunt with her, and when asked for a noun, she said "penis." Afterwards, Vanessa was talking to Kelly Clarkson backstage, complaining that we're not allowed to talk about the Janet Jackson Super Bowl incident but Pam Anderson is allowed to say "penis" when she comes on the show (in fact she is not... but that's another issue). At which point I had the following exchange with Kelly Clarkson:
Me: We've reached our "penis" quota for the day... so if you wouldn't mind toning it down a bit, just make sure not to say "penis" too many times when you're out there, that would be great."
Kelly: Oh yeah, like I'm gonna go out there and be like, "I love American Idol! And I love ass!"

Well if the orangutan boxing is gone, then what's the point of going to the zoo at all?

At least until South Park and Arrested Development return with new episodes, the funniest show on television is Da Ali G. Show. Sunday's show featured Borat singing a song "Throw the Jews Down the Well," and I can't remember laughing that hard in a long time (my rooommate actually laughed so hard he was rolling around on the floor). Unfortunately HBO didn't post that clip on their site, but there are some great clips up.

P.S. Speaking of Arrested Development, the New York Times had a great profile of the show's creator, Mitchell Hurwitz, in the Arts & Leisure section over the weekend. The previews they gave for next season sound hilarious, especially the idea of having David Cross' character cast as an understudy in Blue Man Group, forcing him to sit by the phone every afternoon in blue make-up in case he's called in. Genius!

I typically don't like Will Ferrell or think his Bush impression is anything noteworthy, but this is pretty good.

Not much to post today... but if you like Michael Jackson and have a Lego fetish, check this out.

Don't forget to vote in this year's Maxim Hometown Hotties contest... or at least kill a few hours looking at pictures of hot chicks.

Following up on yesterday's post, I sent this letter out:

Dear Professor Greene,
My name is also Brian Greene, although unlike you I am a 24-year-old writer for MTV. Several times over the past few years I’ve been mistakenly identified as you. I recently received the enclosed letter, which I can only assume was meant for you. Although my first reaction was to write a letter expressing my surprise that anyone would have the audacity to question the teachings of someone who shared my name, I instead decided to forward it along to you.
Maybe our paths will actually cross one day. Until then, I will continue to direct all inquiries meant for you in your direction, and I hope you will return the favor should anyone mistakenly ask you questions about the impact of American Idol on the downfall of popular music.
Cheers,
Brian Greene

I recently received a letter in the mail for Dr. Brian Greene, saying how much the sender enjoyed the recent discussion of my new book but that one of my explainations bothered him and to please look over the enclosed pages that are the result of his "kicking it around since then." So to clear up any confusion:
1) I am not Professor Brian Greene, the Superstring Theorist from Columbia University.
2) If you're going to confuse me with him, do not try to show me up with your hair-brained schemes and theories. I'm much smarter than you and know much more about physics than you ever will. When in doubt, remember that I'm right and you're wrong.

P.S. For more information on my (meaning me, not superstring theorist) dealings with crazy Brian Greene (meaning superstring theorist, not me) fanatics, refer to the entries on March 19 & 20.

Fun With Puns
Fantasy football season is rapidly approaching, and here's a lit of names that are being considered by owners in my league:
*Quddus Staley
*Salt n Culpeppa'
Vick's Vapor Rub
*Clinton Portisheads
The Tiki Barber Shop
Honk If You're Joe Horny
The Free Masons
Steve Smith and Wesson
Carlos Santana Moss
*Lavernius and Shirley
Brooks Brothers
Price is Right
*CC Pennington
Eat Your Wheatleys
The Quentin Griffin-dors
*It's Not A. Toomer
The Porter House
The Bathroom Stallworth
The Cockey Shockeys
Fountains Of Reggie Wayne
I Bettis You Will
Fried Rice
Plummer's Crack
She Bledsoe Much
Mili Vanilli
Warner About the Rash
Palmer Ass
Kids In The Dante Hall
The Dominic Rhodes Scholars
*Taking It To Tai Streets
Hambrick Oven Pizza
Zereoue To 60
The Touchie Feeleys
*Fiedler on The Roof
Monty Pathon's Flying Circus
*The Wizard of Az-Zahir Hakim
(Names with an asterisk are my personal favorites)
My current team name: See Me, Feeley (although it's subject to change)

Last night I was having dinner with VJ Damien and Sr. Writer Joel at Popeye's on 49th St. As we're eating, I notice a man (African-American, probably late-20s, almost certainly not homeless) at another table, with no food in front of him, asleep ... and I mean deep sleep, with drool dripping from his lip to his t-shirt. A Popeye's janitor approaches the table and starts banging on it, yelling "No sleep!" but the guy doesn't stir. After about 20 seconds, the guy finally wakes up. "Get out! No sleep!" the janitor continues. The sleepy man looks outside, sees that it's pouring, and doesn't get up. Another, slightly older customer sitting a few seats away starts yelling at the janitor, "If the man wants to sleep, let him sleep!" The janitor eventually walks away, at which point the older man joins the sleepy guy at his table. "He can't tell you not to sleep if you want to sleep," he reassures sleepy guy.
At which point Damien chimes in, "I'm sure the janitor's just jealous... he probably wants to sleep. too." The older man says, "Nah, he's just jealous because he ain't got a good education and a good job. That's why he's jealous." At which point I laughed so hard I almost shot mashed potatoes out of my nose.

P.S. As we're leaving, Damien is asked to pose in a photo with two teenage girls. While waiting for their mom to shoot the photo, one of them asks Damien, "So you're just here eating Popeye's?" He replies, "Yup. It looks like we've got something in common... we both like great deals on chicken!"

It's Over... Elapsed Time: 12 Days, 5 Hours
My Duff crush has officially crashed and burned. Last night I was reading her concert review in the New York Times, which concluded with this line:
She's so relentlessly positive that when she delivered the Who's "My Generation" as a final encore, she altered a crucial line to sing, "Hope I don't die before I get old."
Disgusting!

I was at Pioneer (the place to buy beer in Manhattan) when I noticed a six-pack of He'Brew: The Chosen Beer - Messiah Bold. Could this be a joke? A trip to the website does little to answer the question... however, next time I shop there, I'll be sure to buy some (I would've gotten it last night, but PBR was on sale).

I'm Excused Because I'm White... Very White
Conversation among me, our senior writer Joel, and VJ's Damien and Vanessa, regarding today's surprise guests, Terror Squad:
Me - So I just wanna make sure... the other members are Remy, Big Pun, Geddy, and Tony Sunshine, right?
Joel - Um, Big Pun's dead.
Damien - Yeah, he's dead.
Me - He is?
Vanessa - Yeah, Big Pun's dead.
Joel - You didn't know that?
Me - How would I know that? Look at me!
Damien - The only reason that I'm not more upset with you is because you're wearing that shirt.*
(The three of them laugh as I slink out of the room)

*Editor's note: The shirt is a long-sleeved collared Penn shirt that has been cut to 3/4 sleeves because the shirt had shrunk and made the cuffs too tight on my wrists. I know it's ugly, but it's comfortable...

Sports Events That Bothered Me This Weekend
1) The Yankees / Red Sox brawl on Saturday. Jason Varitek is a pussy for not having the guts to take off his catcher's mask during the fight. Schilling is a douche for saying that A-rod started the fight when Varitek through the first punch. The Red Sox are pansies for beaning A-rod and blaming the Yankees for initiating the brawl, and for celebrating after that win which put them 8 1/2 games out of first. The Yankees will look back on this game and laugh when the Red Sox are sitting at home in October.
2) Rob Dibble on Saturday's Baseball Tonight. He applauded the fight, saying that the first game was "flat" (an 8-7 come-from-behind victory is flat?) and that fighting is good for the game because it gets players fired up. Um, no, it causes injuries (see Varitek, Sturtze), slows down the game, and causes players to lose focus. Rob, stop encouraging fights and stop talking out of your ass.
3) Ricky Williams retiring. Thanks for screwing the Dolphins, not just for this year but probably for years to come. You couldn't have announced your plans at the beginning of the week so the team could've gone after Eddie George or even Antwoine Smith? What a selfish prick. You're lucky you shaved off your dreads, otherwise people in Florida would've strung you up by them. Go travel the world and never come back.
4) Lance Armstrong's 6th consecutive win. Am I the only one who thinks this gets less exciting every year? It's not even competitive anymore. Anyone who didn't expect him to win is a liar or a moron. Even the Bulls took a couple years off in the middle of their 6 titles to get fans excited about other teams and build drama about whether the Bulls could reclaim the title. You have nothing else to prove... please stop now and give someone else a chance.

Don't you have it when you go to bed and fall asleep but then wake up like 50 minutes later feeling totally refreshed so that you toss and turn for like the next 2 1/2 hours and then after you finally fall back to sleep you wake up the next morning feeling tired? 

I do.

I don't even know how to describe this. So just watch it.

Two quick movie notes for this weekend:
1) Napoleon Dynamite has added a new 5-minute ending. The film didn't need anything extra to convince me to see it again, so this is just an added bonus.
2) Troma's new masterpiece Tales from the Crapper has its New York premiere on Saturday. If you're a glutton for punishment, check it out.

This article is hilarious... I would love for "The Ziering," or just "Ziering," to become a commonly-used expression, like a synonym for failure. "Man, did you read Brian's blog today? That guy is such a Ziering."

How the "Mighty" Have Fallen
Conversation backstage during yesterday's show:
Quddus - "So have you ever been on the show before?"
Matt Damon - "Yeah, when the first Bourne came out, but Carson was here."
Quddus - "Oh, cool."
Matt Damon - "What is Carson up to these days?"
Quddus - "He's got his own late-night show."
Matt Damon - "Oh really? I had no idea..."

In the Writers' Pit, watching VH1 Classic. Ready for the World's "Oh Sheila" comes on. Female co-worker sitting next to me asks, "Why is it that I never noticed these guys were mad-gay?"

Saw Metallica: Some Kind of Monster over the weekend.  It's a very well-made documentary, if a little on the long side (almost 2 1/2 hours), and I recommend to everyone, whether or not you're a Metallica fan, if only to see how badly Kirk Hammett is such the little bitch of the band.  James Hetfield and Lars Ulrich constantly talk about how the two of them are the entire creative force behind the band, never giving any credit whatsoever to Kirk.  Even in the therapy sessions, Kirk never contributes anything of consequence... he merely responds to the arguments between everyone else by shaking his head or laughing awkwardly.  I don't really feel bad for the guy... he is worth tens of millions of dollars as part of one of the biggest band in history, but really... it's pretty sad (or funny, depending on how you look at it).

TRL VJ Damien barged into the writers' pit the other day asking why I never told him about my appearance on Letterman in which I sat in a van making fun of people with a bullhorn. I asked him how he could've possibly known about that, and apparently the clip is on Letterman's website. I'll provide the link to the archives, but will not tell you which one is the actual clip. If you really want to see it... happy hunting!

A CNN report today on Napoleon Dynamite referred to him as Nappy D. That is wrong on so many levels.

Few people are bigger 80s fans than I am (I'm sporting my Cure "Love Song" t-shirt as I post), but this is a little ridiculous...

So as much as I hate to admit it, I now have a crush on Hilary Duff.
"But Brian," you may say, "she's only 16! And her movies are terrible! And her music is even worse! And she's about as smart as a bowl of oatmeal!"
Yes, these are all valid points. But she came on the show yesterday, walking in and looking all adorable, and laughed at the jokes I suggested for her when prepping her, and cursed a few times to show that she's not as goody-goody as her image suggested, and told our audience that she's single, and all of a sudden... BAM! Crush.
I know it sucks and makes me a loser, but I can't help it. Sigh.

Went to Prince's Afterparty at B.B. King's last night... got there just before 1am, and the place was packed. Prince and the band were in a roped-off VIP section, and one of the worst DJs I've ever heard was spinning on stage. Sometime after 2:30 they started showing footage from that night's concert (which I heard had The Time as an opening act), and Prince, his bandmates, and Sheila E. (who also made a surprise appearance during the concert) took turns waving to the crowd. No performance, however, and I left when the crowd started booing the DJ and chanting "We want Prince" after Prince had left.
One surprise... the crowd went CRAZY when the DJ played Wham's "Everything She Wants," cheering louder than the previous song, Prince's "Take Me With U." Never would've expected that to happen at a Prince party.

Quick Thoughts on the Emmy Nominations:
- I like John Ritter as much as the next guy, but his posthumous nomination is not deserved at all and bumped out Jason Bateman.
- In the same category, Larry David can't act at all... and he's nominated while Cheryl Hines isn't? Bah.
- Why does Will and Grace (and Sean Hayes) get so many nominations? The show (and he) is terrible! Bump it for Scrubs... or South Park.
- Congrats to Brad Dourif for Deadwood. I hope he wins.

Prince 7/13 MSG Concert Review
Last night's concert was at once one of the best and most frustrating concerts I've ever attended. As far as the actual show, it was incredible. Prince is an amazing performer, his band was tight (especially drummer John Blackwell, who was one of the best I've ever seen, and Maceo Parker on sax), and the energy was unfaltering for more than 2 1/2 hours. He played almost all of his hits and a wide array of lesser-known songs from his "Vault." He was in a great mood and joked a lot with the crowd, who went absolutely NUTS for him. I've never heard it so loud before... at one point Prince got all 20,000 people to jump at the same time, and lemme tell you, the place SHOOK. The downside to the show was that in order to get through so many hits, he only played about 10% of the songs in their entirety. Instead we got 2 verses of "Let's Go Crazy," 1 verse (no chorus) of "When Doves Cry," 2 verses of "7," etc. And while I know playing songs to completion would've shortened the setlist considerably, a lot of the show ended up being one big tease. Nevertheless, it was a terrific concert, and I'm going to tonight's Afterparty at B.B. King's on the off-chance that he performs. Chances are I'll stay there until 3am and be S.O.O.L., but we'll see...

Here's an almost-complete setlist, pulled from prince.org:
Musicology
Let's Go Crazy
I Would Die 4 U
When Doves Cry
Baby I'm A Star
Shhh
D.M.S.R./Crazy in Love
I Feel 4 U
A Love Bizarre (full version with singing)
Controversy
Georgia on My Mind (Maceo lead vocals)
Acoustic set
-Little Red Corvette
-Cream
-ICNTTPOYM
-Telemarketer Blues
-On the Couch
-Sweet Thing
-ADORE
7
Sign O' The Times
Bambi
Whole Lotta Love
Let's Work
U Got The Look
Life O' The Party
Knock On Wood (Chance lead vocals)
Kiss
Take Me With U
(Encore)
Call My Name
Purple Rain

Wow... this woman's life gets so bad that she decides to commit suicide, then she screws that up. Where does one go from there?

I Never Thought I'd Say These Words, But...
I agree with Andy Dick. He was on TRL yesterday, and when a fan asked him what celebrity makes him laugh, he answered Bob Odenkirk and Napoleon Dynamite. I couldn't have chosen any better... except maybe to add Sarah Silverman.

If this really was posted from the Chaser tablet girl, and you happen to come back here, I have a few questions for you:
- You say it works "if you take enough." How much is enough? If it's like 1 per drink, then it's definitely not worth it.
- If you know how well it works, I assume you use it... do they give you a lifetime supply for being their spokeswoman?
- How did you and your co-star keep straight faces while delivering those lines?
- How on earth did you find my blog?

If any of you were dying for a comprehensive list of websites for your favorite Real World and Road Rules cast members, here it is. It also tells who will be involved in the next RW/RR Challenge, a battle of the sexes... how exciting!

So Police Academy 8 is in the works? How can this possibly be a good idea? David Graf, who played Tackleberry, passed away 3 years ago, and oh yeah, the series hasn't been funny since Steve Guttenberg jumped ship (or rather flew away in a hot air balloon with Sharon Stone) after Part 4 in 1987... and even that is being generous. But I guess they'll do anything to make a buck...

Congratulations to Paul London, who as of last night is the new WWE tag-team champion. I'm good friends with his older brother Jonathan, and Paul and I appeared in Jonny's little-seen (and hopefully it'll stay that way) student horror film, Spores (I played an alien who gets killed when somebody flicks a quarter into my forehead... maybe my finest hour). Paul's been working hard at wrestling for several years, and I couldn't be happier for him. Keep kicking ass with your patented London Calling, Paul!

Why Old People Suck, Reason #413
I was standing on 75th St. waiting for a broker to show me an apartment, when across the street I see a guy walking a black lab. He is talking on his cell phone with one hand, and the other hand is covered with a plastic bag to dispose of the dog shit. The dog does its business, but the guy is still talking on his phone and doesn't it up immediately (although he is standing right next to it). An old woman comes out of her apartment building, sees the shit, and yells at the guy "You need to pick that up."
The guy responds, "I will, I just need to finish this call."
"Pick up the dog's business!" the woman says right back.
"As soon as I'm off the phone," the guy replies, more tersely.
"You have to pick that up!" she says again.
The guy tells the person on the line that he'll call back, then starts explaining to the woman that he was planning to, but he was on the phone and didn't want to risk dropping the phone into the shit.
"But you have to pick up after your dog," the woman says. "It's the law!"
"Why couldn't it wait until I was off the phone?" the guy asks.
"Because you have to pick up after your dog!" she answers.
"You know what? Screw you, lady!" the guy says. "Why don't you pick up the shit yourself!" He then storms away, leaving the shit on the sidewalk. The woman stands staring at the shit for several moments, then storms back inside.

After reading this story, I've decided that if I ever start a band, I will name it Fuck for Forest.

This Lego-Spiderman thing is pretty cool, but some people have WAY too much free time.

Had the following e-mail exchange with my friend earlier today:
Him: I need to find an apt...I want to live w/o a roommate so if anyone knows of anything please let me know.
Me: I'm in the same boat... apartment hunting sucks. What neighborhood you looking in?
Him: All neighborhoods south of 80th street and in manhattan. i hate it.
Me: Eric Douglas's apartment is available now...
Him: I don't know who that is. Where is the apt? How much?
Me: Um, that's Michael Douglas's brother who was just found dead of an overdose there yesterday... it's 10 W 29th St., but probably out of your price range. And this joke isn't funny having to explain it to you.
Him: great location though

More from the TRL Graveyard
Rejected introduction for Wimbledon champion Maria Sharapova: "Our first guest is the best thing on grass since Snoop Dogg."

Brian Wilson was interviewed in Sunday's New York Times Magazine. It's probably the shortest, saddest interview I've ever read in there.

Add another line to the list of NY Post's journalistic coups...

Last Friday, Kanye West's video "Jesus Walks" fell from #7 to #10 on the TRL countdown. The following lines were rejected from my script to describe its plummet:
- Getting crucified by voters.
- If the Jews hadn’t killed Jesus, then hearing that song would have.
- Stick the Lance of Longinus in its side, cause that video is dead.
- Getting scourged by voters.
- That video is bleeding votes from its palms and feet.
Damn politically-correct show...

R.I.P., Marlon Brando
They claim that cause of death has been undetermined... but I think that being an 80-year-old, obese, insane coke-head is enough of a cause.
To find out more about whether your favorite celebrities are alive or dead, please consult this website.

Yes, I Watch Simple Life 2
And I noticed in last night's episode that Paris was reading the issue of Maxim with, guess who, Paris Hilton on the cover. This is a couple days after an article with a photo showing Paris holding a copy of 1 Night in Paris. She just can't get enough of herself, can she?

Interesting list on the 100 Greatest Albums of the 70s, although the writers have somewhat of a hard-on for Brian Eno.

Nothing like a little porn during the news...

I know the odds of this story being true are about a billion to one, but man, if it is...

You Heard It Here First
Today, June 29, 2004, is a day that will go down in infamy as the start of the downfall of VH1 Classic. Next week they are starting a show called "Classic Current" which will feature new videos from classic artists like Sting, Prince, etc., and they are previewing it during today's Tuesday Twoplay. While this in and of itself is not terrible news, it has opened the floodgates for the channel to play music from terrible 90s bands like the Lemonheads and crappy 90s Aerosmith. The designation of a classic should be that it came out prior to the previous decade... so the most recent classic should be from the 80s. Once we hit 2010, songs from the 90s can be classics. This rule would also prevent the utterly pointless I Love the 90s set to air next month (Remember when Britney Spears was wearing a school uniform in a video? Gee, it was so long ago...). For shame, VH1 Classic. What's next, commercials? Soon you'll be MTV2 all over again (I miss the launch of that channel when they played what was at that time all 19,000 videos ever made in alphabetical order).

So what the hell is wrong with Friendster lately? Is anyone else having problems with it? They try to improve it, but instead the layout is all fucked up, pictures are all over the place, it has trouble sending and receiving messages... should I even bother with it anymore? Or is it so "summer 2003" by now?

Sunday Subway Story
On a downtown Q train, a gangster-type white guy is trying to pick up an attractive, professional African-American woman. She obviously is having none of it, but is being nice in her rejection. He asks her name, and she responds by asking his name.
"Universal," he replies.
"Universal? That's an unusual name. Why were you named that?" she asks.
"Because I defy description," he replies.
I think that answer defies logic. Regardless, she left the train solo.

ESPN is doing a 2-hour documentary about the dumbest people in America...

I've heard of a hung jury before, but this may be the first instance of a "hung" judge (ba dum dum)...

Idiot’s Guide to Fantasy Baseball

Tip of the Week:
Make sure that when you’re attempting to acquire a player, you check his first name (or at least first initial). You don’t want to make the common mistake of picking up outfielder Hideki Matsui when you need Kaz Matsui to fill your hole at shortstop, because you won’t be able to use Hideki at that position. Similar problems can happen with players with the last name Rodriguez, Jones, and Gonzalez.

Did You Know?
If you’re looking for someone to help you in the walks category, you might want to consider Barry Bonds. Most people focus on his home runs, but if you check his stats, he’s actually leading the league in walks… by a wide margin! Chances are he’s not available in the free agent pool, but if he is, I’d pick him up immediately.

Pick to Click:
You may be hesitant to pick up Mark Prior these days. After all, it’s almost the All-Star break and he only has 1 win. But the reason that number is so low is that he missed two whole months due to injury. He’s still an above-average pitcher, so go ahead and roll the dice on him.

Steal of the Week:
Alex Rodriguez. His numbers are very good (.292 avg., 18 HR, 14 SB), but he also has eligibility at both SS and 3B, two positions that are generally lacking good players. Grab him if you can.

Hot:
Jim Thome, 1B, Philadelphia. He’s hitting .320 with 24 HR and 50 RBI. That’s power.

Scott Rolen, 3B, St. Louis. He leads baseball with 71 RBI, along with a .336 average and 17 HR. Would make an excellent pick-up.

Not:
John Flaherty, C, New York Yankees. Not only is his batting average a lowly .161, but he doesn’t even play every day! You’d be much better off going with the Yanks’ other catcher, Jorge Posada.

Mo Vaughn, 1B, New York Mets. Even though the Mets are paying him $15 million in 2004, he has yet to play a game this season. There are other first basemen who can get you more points, such as Todd Helton.

So of all the celebrity sex tapes that have appeared, one with Survivor's Jenna Lewis probably ranks near the bottom of the totem pole... but I'm gonna link to it anyway.

Looks like Richard Marx has had a Ricky Martin makeover.

Great news! According to Entertainment Weekly, Undeclared will be released on DVD... and on the Freaks and Geeks message board, there is a post by creator Judd Apatow on May 28 confirming it. If it's half as good as the Freaks and Geeks set put out, then it will be mine... MINE!

Tentative Brian Wilson U.S. Tour Dates Announced!
What a glorious way to start the weekend... finding out Brian Wilson will be playing Smile live in NY on October 12 & 13. Venues still TBA, but you can bet I'll be there no matter where it takes place.

These Are the People I Write For
A co-worker discovered this Holla Back, regarding our booking Jon Heder on the show in character as Napoleon Dynamite and planting him on the street for a Random VJ segment, on the TRL message board yesterday:
"[monday's] trl was hilarious because damien didn't realize that that guy napoleon dynamite is actually in a movie called napoleon dynamite with hilary duff's sister. too funny!"

Great quote in yesterday's New York Times review of Dido's concert at the Beacon:
- "[Dido] has figured out a way to make music that is no better, but also no worse, than silence."

Damn, I just changed my template and lost all my comments. Oh well, guess it's time for a fresh start...

Congratulations to Velvet Revolver!
Contraband officially landed at #1 on the Billboard chart, selling over 256,000 copies in its first week. Now let's just hope my bosses keep their promise and book them on the show...

Anyone Wonder...
- what Full House's Dave Coulier is up to these days? Here's your answer.
- if the tiny space between the platform and the subway on the downtown 2/3 section of the Times Square subway station is big enough to fit a grown man's foot? As a matter of fact, it is, because a guy getting off my subway car managed to stick his foot in it, get his leg sucked into the gap, and toppled over, then panicked when he had trouble removing it. After some assistance from helpful onlookers, he escaped without injury (I of course didn't help, as I was too busy staring and laughing).
- if you're the only one who despises Rob Schneider's film career? This review of Around the World in 80 Days contains the line "Rob Schneider shows up as a San Francisco bum, but I would like to think of that as career foreshadowing."

Read Rolling Stone's 50 Moments That Changed the History of Rock & Roll. And out of 50 moments (only 21 of which were given actual dates instead of months or seasons), 3 happened on my birthday, August 17: the last day of Woodstock, Bruce Springsteen playing the Bottom Line in 1975 (the dates were not stated in the issue but 8/17 was the date of the final gig) and the filming of Nirvana's "Smells Like Teen Spirit" video. Statistically, there is only a 1 in 7.305 chance of any of them happening on my birthday. Add those to the list of celebs born on that day (Sean Penn, Robert DeNiro, Davy Crockett, Jim Courier, Belinda Carlisle, Mae West) and that Lou Gehrig played in his record 1,308th consecutive game this day in 1933 and that the Beatles replaced Pete Best with Ringo on this day in 1962, and I think we can all admit that August 17 is the best day EVER!

I feel there were some pretty big omissions in the issue:
- Beatles playing on Ed Sullivan
- Blondie recording "Rapture" (rap wouldn't have been as big without it)
- The Day the Music Died (killed Richie Valens, Buddy Holly, and The Big Bopper and inspired "American Pie")
- The creation of CDs
- Elvis' comeback special (the creative spark of MTV's Unplugged or any acoustic jams)
- Pink Floyd recording "Dark Side of the Moon"
- Alanis Morissette recording "You Oughta Know" (more important than the Lilith Fair)
- Wham! performing in China in April 1985 (becoming the first English-speaking pop group to do so)
Then again, that's just me...

Went to amFAR Rocks last night at Tavern on the Green, and my crazy friend won a silent auction for an autographed picture of Larry Thomas... winning bid: $250. Who, you ask, is Larry Thomas? Why he's the Soup Nazi, of course. Yes, an autographed napkin with a lipstick kiss from Britney Spears went for $300, while my friend paid $250 for a menacing picture of the Soup Nazi with the inscription "No Soup for You! Larry Thomas, "Soup Nazi." It's a good thing he's a well-paid investment banker, but it makes me question his investment advice.

Also interesting to note that one of the items auctioned off was a tour for 2 of the MTV studios led by John Norris and seats to a TRL taping. The high bid when I last checked was $375 (the placard claimed the retail value as "priceless"). I was tempted to write down the names and numbers of the losing bidders and offer them the same deal (with me instead of John Norris) for the bargain price of $50, but didn't. However if any of you are out there, drop me a line...

Finally, the celeb factor was decidedly small (I think because the premiere of Fahrenheit 9/11 was also last night and drew much bigger names). Sadly, I think people were most excited to see Carson Kressley (of Queer Eye fame). Do you think that nowadays if someone mentions the name "Carson," he's who comes to mind most often? It's definitely not Johnny, and I think he may have surpassed Daly at this point. That's very bothersome to me.

By the way, the verdict on Dodgeball is that it's basically Happy Gilmore but with Vince Vaughn instead of Adam Sandler, Ben Stiller instead of Christopher McDonald, it's about dodgeball instead of golf, and it's not nearly as funny (which is sad because I'm not wild about Happy Gilmore to begin with). I wasn't expecting a great movie, but this thing was so predictable, and Ben Stiller was so bad, and it's definitely not the type of humor these guys are good at. Regardless, I'm sure it'll rake in the dough.

The secret band that will be in Mark Burnett's answer to American Idol has been revealed to be... INXS?!? Is anything sacred anymore? And does anyone besides me really care about INXS anymore? Still, there's burning out, there's fading away, and now apparently there's deciding to become a karaoke band. Very sad.