T-minus 10 hours, 9 minutes until Smile comes out... and based on this Rolling Stone review, I most certainly will be smiling.
(Also t-minus 366 hours, 9 minutes until the show at Carnegie Hall, where I'll be doing more than smiling from my 5th-row seat.)

The trailer for Seed of Chucky (a.k.a. Child's Play 5) has the greatest tagline in the history of cinema:
This November, get a load of Chucky.
(Get it? A load of Chucky? Like, a load of his sperm? Get it? Cause it's Chucky's seed... like, a load of his seed... it's a pun! Get it?)

Rufus Wainwright has sunk to a new low... this afternoon he is playing The Lodge (a.k.a. the Viacom cafeteria). Maybe it's so he can pick up some "Cigarettes and Chocolate Milk" (well, not the cigarettes part).

TRL Moment of the Week (Tie)
1) Christina Aguilera, interviewing a Christian teenage couple who have vowed to remain virgins until marriage, incredulously asking, "So no dry-humping?"
2) A speechless, terrified Katie Holmes talking to a fan brought up from outside who over the past 3 1/2 years had made a 200-page scrapbook filled with every article ever written about Katie. When Katie politely turns down the scrapbook, the girl wails, "But I made it for you!"

The video for Judas Priest's "Hot Rockin'" is on VH1 Classic right now. Rob Halford must have pitched the idea: the band is naked in a shower. And people were surprised when he came out of the closet?

The title of this Amazon list, Unfortunately Named Authors, says it all. My favorite is Tom Tit.

If you haven't gotten the sense over the past 10 months of my posts that a lot of the people in my building are complete fucking morons, here's 2 more pieces of evidence:
1) In an elevator, and a guy is listening to his iPod. He is changing songs using his remote. A woman in the elevator sees the remote and says, "Wow! That's the smallest iPod I've ever seen!"
2) Coming back from the bank, I see a college-age girl being ushered out of the lobby by security. She's wearing a giant sandwich board which says "Please hire me!" on the front and "I'm hard-working, I'm a fast learner..." etc. on the back. She's pleading with the security guard to let her stay, but he says "We can't have you in here."

Smoking by pregnant mothers may be bad for unborn babies, but it's nothing compared to the noise from jackhammers.

Respek
Big up to da New York Times for representin' da Jews in Major League Baseball. Checkit!

MTV names Janet Jackson as its first Icon back in 2001, while this year MTV UK gives its first honor to The Cure. Makes me wish I was back in Glasgow.

Went to Snitch last night with MTV VJ Damien, TRL's senior writer, and Pierre from Simple Plan. Rumor had it that Green Day might stop by to do an acoustic set after their gig at Irving Plaza, but alas, it was not meant to be. Snitch is quite bizarre: DJ plays non-stop rock, girls in bikinis dance on top of tables, male customers wear nothing but black, VH1 Classic plays silently on screens all over the walls... you have to see it to fully comprehend it. Damien and I agreed that the place is thisclose to being a great hangout, but we couldn't figure out what exactly was missing to push it over the edge. Perhaps the presence of a Mick Mars or a Steve Perry hidden in a back booth...

Racist Link of the Day
Ah, those crazy Japanese with their funny translations.

Why do subway conductors make announcements saying that "there's a train directly behind this one" when it gets too crowded? Obviously there is, MTA geniuses... the trains are on the same track. That doesn't change the fact that the next train is actually 7 stations away...

Today is a very special Choose or Lose edition of TRL... 60 minutes of the finest MTV News talent discussing youth voting. During this morning's script read-through, we got to the section where each VJ is supposed to give a final thought. Here is what they each came up with during that rehersal:
Sway: "Nah, I'm good."
Gideon Yago: "The Jews control the banks and the media!"
John Norris: "Legalize same-sex marriage!"
I think that just about sums it up.

Another pic from Britney's classy wedding, this time of the classy groomsmen outfits... and really, what's classier than pimps?

Quick Plug
For anyone who lives in New York City, go see my cousin Zak Penn's directorial debut, Incident at Loch Ness. It's playing at the Sunshine theater on Houston.

I have a feeling this backstage account was more entertaining than the actual Emmy telecast... which is sad. Very sad.
(Quick congrats to Arrested Development!)

Knowing Velvet Revolver would be in town, my co-worker and I were set to go to Snitch on Friday night... then I ended up going to Vermont. Now I read that VR played an acoustic set there on Friday night. Argh!
(FYI, I still think Vermont was the better choice...)

The classy Britney Spears sure did have classy bridesmaid dresses for her classy wedding.

Here are some Best and Worst moments from my weekend trip to Vermont:
- Best Ironic Moment: Hearing "Walking on Sunshine" on the radio as I'm navigating through dirt roads at 9pm on Friday night during a torrential downpour and fog so thick it looked like it was made out of cotton candy.
- Best Unintentional Comedy: Passing Gaylord Rehabilitation Center in Connecticut.
- Worst Bathroom Design: Men's room at Burger King at exit 24 of I-91N in CT. The urinal came up to my kneecap. Guys there must either be very short or very well hung.
- Best New Discovery: Biscuits with sausage gravy. This heart-attack-on-a-plate looks like vomit but tastes like heaven.
- Best Way to Spend $65 in the Middle of Nowhere: At The Spa. It gets you 1/2 hour in a hot tub and an hour massage. Try finding that in Manhattan.
- Worst Way to Make New Friends: Arrive at the house without enough gas to get back to the gas station, forcing others to drive me to said station to buy a plastic container and a couple gallons of gas... and having said gas stink up that car, all of the passengers, and eventually the first floor of the house.
- Best Truth in Advertising: A CT radio ad described the cheapest mattresses around: twin set for $99, full set for $199, etc. Their pitch? "Sure, they're mismatched... but who cares? You just cover them with sheets!"
- Worst Moment: Trying to mime "blog" to a room full of drunk and stoned bloggers during a game of "Truth, Dare, or Charades."
- Best Song I'd Never Heard Before and Now Can't Get Out of My Head: "Coin-Operated Boy" by Dresden Dolls. So fucking catchy.
Overall the weekend was a blast, and I can't wait to do it again... if I'm invited back, that is.

Backstage Quote of the Week:
"Man, that dude can't even speak English."
- St. Lunatic Nelly, on why St. Louis Cardinal Albert Pujols doesn't appear on his new albums.

I recently had my first McGriddle, and to my amazement, it was absolutely disgusting. I don't understand it. All the ingredients are great. I love bacon. I love eggs. I love cheese. I love bacon, egg, & cheeses. I love pancakes with maple syrup. How could this creation become the Frankenstein's monster of breakfast foods that it is? Chewing it, you get the sensation that you're eating a tennis ball. McDonald's has let me down.

R.I.P, Johnny Ramone
Is it too soon to joke that being in the Ramones causes cancer? I bet Sarah Silverman could get away with that line...
By the way, her gig at Ars Nova last night was depressingly unoriginal. Before last night I'd seen her perform maybe 25 minutes of stand-up , and she re-used almost all of that material. Tommy said he saw the same exact show almost 3 years ago. How long does it take her to write new material? Fortunately, Todd Barry opened and did a fantastic job.
(I'm sure you can check Tommy's blog for more on both Johnny's death and Sarah's show)

Just saw Jason "WAYNE!" Hervey in the lobby of the MTV building. What is he up to lately? Apparently he's producing a series of Doug Savant made-for-TV movies. Good for him.

Yet another reason why I don't want to move to L.A.: no more necrophilia.

SubTalk: Metropolitan Diary
Early one morning I boarded a 2 train at 72nd St. to head to work. Having bypassed both AMNY and MetroNews, I happened to glance up at a banner with some ridiculous story about a misunderstanding between a blind woman and her seeing-eye dog. It had to be the stupidest, most inane story I have ever read in my life. Other passengers who also wasted 12 precious seconds of their lives reading that crap looked like they were about to vomit in their mouths, just as I practically had. Those passengers and I shared a moment that day, and it felt good to be a New Yorker.

I'm an Inward Inspirational Seeker, and proud of it. You?

Since apparently my second career is as Brian Wilson's unofficial publicist, I can't let his article in Sunday's New York Times go unnoticed...

There's probably no such thing as Sarah Silverman overload, but if it does exist, I'm getting close to it... I spend a huge chunk of the weekend watching Who's the Caboose and the entire series of Pilot Season on Trio, and am going to see her perform at Ars Nova on Wednesday night. If you have a chance to catch any of these, I suggest you do.

Wow, this should be an interesting album.

Speaking of Brian Wilson, Smile is being partially streamed online here. As excited as I am to hear it, I'm waiting to listen to the album in its entirety. 18 days and counting...

Went to the VH1 taping of Soundtracks Live: Sixteen Candles, featuring a huge collection of top comics: Amy Poehler, Will Arnett, Fred Armisen, Michael Showalter, Maya Rudolph, Michael Ian Black, Tina Fey, Paul Rudd, Rachel Dratch... and whoever the guy was who played Molly Ringwald was absolutely brilliant (his reading of "he doesn't even know I exist!" was spot-on). I didn't like the fact that the show was in a larger venue and taped for television (they had to stop the show at one point due to audio difficulties), and I can't imagine how this could possibly play successfully on TV, but it was cool to see so many talented people sharing the stage.

Just saw Dave Mustaine outside the building, surrounded by metalheads panting at the thought of meeting him and getting an autograph. Seemed like a nice, friendly guy. If you haven't seen Metallica: Some Kind of Monster, you should; the scene with him is one of the most moving in the film.

Karma can be a great thing sometimes.

Had my MTV Fantasy Football draft last night, and here's my team:
QB: P. Manning, J. Plummer
RB: J. Lewis, Westbrook, C. Brown, S. Jackson
WR: D. Mason, P. Price, A. Toomer, D. Branch, A. Davis
TE: T. Gonzales, R. McMichael
K: Stover
D: Miami
Overall I'm happy with the team, especially since I had the 9th pick out of 10, which is the worst slot. If Jamal Lewis doesn't miss any time b/c of his trial, he'll be the steal of the draft. Miami D will be solid, but may get tired out being on the field so much (since Miami's offense is worthless). Got Westbrook in the 6th round, which was huge. Wasn't crazy about taking Manning with the 12th overall pick, but he'll be solid. Fingers crossed that this team works out...

This NY Times article claims that Clinton's liking of cigars and fast food "had set him up for a heart attack in the near future." In that case, better schedule a quadruple bypass for Monica Lewinsky's vagina, too.

Hey P. Diddy, don't write checks your butt can't cash...

My Own Personal Hell
I've been spending the day watching the Star Wars movies and coming up with triva questions. For example, "how fast did the Millenium Flacon make the Kessel run?" If you know that the answer is "less than 12 parsecs," I don't want you reading my blog anymore.

I should've learned my lesson from Lindsayism, but since two of my favorite subjects here at Last Stop are MTV and retards (porn is up there too), I have to link to this hilarious comparison.

My Christmas (er, Hanukkah) wish list starts with this.

Much better than the actual VMA's was Damien's coverage of the event. Some very funny stuff. All of the clips are available here.

Not that I watch (and DVR) Showtime at at 1:30 in the morning... but the other night I happened to catch this movie Busty Cops, and much to my surprise, a girl I hooked up with is in it. She plays a soft-porn actress (what a stretch) who is interviewed by the Busty Cops during a murder investigation... and ends up having sex with one of the Busty Cops. She's come a long way since I knew her, when she was a Tromette and appeared in Tales from the Crapper... actually, it's not really that far.

Rented the 1932 classic Freaks (the film that gave us "One of us! One of us!") from Netflix... for those of you unfamiliar with it, it's about a travelling troupe of circus freaks, starring actual freaks. One (or two, depending on how you look at her/them) of the freaks is the Hilton sisters, Daisy and Violet, twins conjoined at the hip. This autobiography of them is hilarious... with comments such as "they were notorious for their many affairs and allegedly had a strong desire to outdo one another in the area of dating," and quotes such as Daisy's "We don't mind having people stare at us. We're used to it. We've never known anything else," the article could pass as a description of Paris & Nicky.

Just watched Behind the Music: George Michael. Pretty interesting, although many glaring omissions, most notably the refusal of Andrew Ridgeley to be interviewed (a hole almost as big as the GnR BTM sans Axl and Duff). Also no mention of:
- Ridgeley's drug use, the real reason Wham! broke up.
- the historic Wham! concert in China.
- "I Knew You Were Waiting for Me," Michael's duet with Aretha Franklin and his first single after Wham! broke up.
- the controversy over the "I Want Your Sex" video and the need to tack on a prologue dissing promiscuity.
- Michael's look transforming from sex idol to Ringo Starr-esqe wannabe.
- Michael's album "Songs from the Past Century."
VH1, I know you can do better.

Stand Tall, Stand Proud
"The Boz" went from the champion Sooners to the Seahawks to the chorus in "Voices that Care" to Stone Cold to... this.

More sad news... after losing in the first round of the U.S. Open last night, Todd Martin announced his retirement. I was always a huge fan of Old Man Martin... he never won a Grand Slam, was never #1, but he always made it fairly deep into tournaments, and even if he more often than not lost to higher-ranked players, he always held his own. I was crushed when he blew the 2-sets-to-1 lead over Agassi in the '99 U.S. Open final... after that match, I knew he'd never have another chance to win an Open. But I never thought he'd still be playing competively 5 years later. He was a hard worker, a good player, and a respected, well-liked guy. Enjoy your retirement!

All non-essential freelancers in my building are not to come to work today or tomorrow due to the RNC (finally, the Republicans do something good for me), and I'm about as non-essential as they come, so since I'm out of the office, posts may be few and far between. However, I just had to note the passing of Laura Branigan over the weekend (I guess God really did have her number). It's mind-boggling to know that "Gloria" was the #1 pop single for 36 weeks! She was only 47, and she will be missed... and let this be a lesson to all of you: if you have a headache for 2 weeks straight, please seek medical attention.

Seeing as how I work for MTV, I may as well make a few comments (er, questions) about last night's boring VMA's:
- Why did Beyonce look like the Cowardly Lion?
- Is Hooba-stunk too obvious a joke to describe their horrifically off-key performance?
- Where can I get one of LL Cool J's t-shirts with the TV in it?
- When did the members of Linkin Park get so fat?
- When will people realize that Ashlee Simpson shouldn't be allowed to sing in public?
- Why did The Flaming Lips' Wayne Coyne stoop so low to participate in the terrible show?
- What was Bruce Willis doing hanging around with P. Diddy? Is it now a law that if you were romantically involved with Demi, you have to be friends with Diddy?
- Why is Velvet Revolver good enough to be used in the music bed going to commercial (at 8:52pm) but not good enough to ever have their video played?
- When will the rest of the world realize that Polyphonic Spree sounds no better or worse than the music in Waiting for Guffman?
All in all, a very disappointing waste of 3 1/2 hours (luckily I didn't see the pre-show).

Way to Represent
So first, Road Rules embarrasses me by having the annoying beefcake Patrick hail from my college (UPenn) and the new slut girl Jillian hail from my hometown (Coral Springs, FL). Then the VMA's, held in Florida for the first time, sucked. Now comes this story about a Florida company's toys depicting 9/11 events. I'm so proud.

My Brian Wilson tickets came... both pairs. So I'll be sitting 5th row. If anyone wants to buy the pair in the 1st Tier, let me know.

VH1 Classic just played four consecutive videos that feature lame dialogue-based preambles to the songs: Van Halen's "Hot for Teacher," Twisted Sister's "I Wanna Rock," Poison's "Fallen Angel," and Huey Lewis & the News' "Power of Love." "Fallen Angel" is by far the worst offender:

(Family sits at a dinner table, eating)
Son: Great meal, mom!
(Mom nods)
Daughter: (poking at her food) Dad, I need to talk to you.
Dad: Sure, honey.
Daughter: I've decided to move.
Dad: (takes another bite of food) Move? Where?
Daughter: California
(Dad looks like he's about to have a heart attack)

I miss the 80s so much!

German doctors can now grow jaws out of people's backs. That's so cool.

I finally have phone service in my apartment. The phone guy unexpectedly came at 9:30 this morning (as I was in the shower), acted as if he didn't know this was the 5th day of my phone saga, and activated service in less than 10 minutes. I now look forward to arguing with AT&T's billing department over the 4 days of service I should not be charged for and the potential for them to pay my cell phone bill, as I've burned 147 peak minutes on the phone with their customer service since Monday.

If ever something was both the funniest thing you've ever seen and the saddest thing you've ever seen, the story of Michele Ivey's obsession with Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles on VH1's Totally Obsessed is it. Watch it the next time it's on. Trust me.

On VH1 Classic: Paul Carrack, "Don't Shed a Tear."
Officemate: "He was everywhere. Squeeze, Mike & the Mechanics, solo. He's like the 'cooler' Phil Collins."
Me: "Everyone in the world is the 'cooler' Phil Collins."

There's a horrible article on Page 2 of ESPN.com, claiming that racism is "the only explanation for the near-universal hatred of our Olympic basketball team." Nice generalization. As long as we're writing gross exaggerations, how about this one: Jason Whitlock has written the worst article I have ever read. And at least mystatement has some semblance of truth.

Some Quick Moving-Related Notes
Original day AT&T service was scheduled to be hooked up in my new apartment: Monday
Time AT&T Customer Service told me phone would be working, after a call to complain about lack of service on Monday night: by Tuesday, 5pm
Actual time phone guy showed up: Wednesday, 11am
Time phone guy left: Wednesday, 12:00pm
Time he said I would have a dial-tone: by Wednesday, 5pm
Time I called AT&T Customer Service to complain I had no dial-tone: Wednesday, 5:15pm
Time they told me I would have a dial-tone: by Wednesday, 11:59pm
Time I called AT&T Customer Service again to complain I still had no dial-tone: today, 10am
Time they told me I would have a dial-tone: by today, 5pm
Time I will actually have a dial-tone: ???
Time of my Time-Warner Cable appointment: Wednesday 12-4pm
Time the cable guy showed up: 3:45pm
Time he finished the job: 5:07pm
Number of new DVR boxes I requested to replace my broken one: 1
Number of new DVR boxes the cable guy brought: 0
Number of wires cable guy forgot to set-up before loading all of his equipment back into the truck: 1
Number of times cable guy used my bathroom during my appointment: 2
Number of angry phone calls I got from co-workers for not coming into the office yesterday: 3

If you don't like having to wait for each day's NY Post to get your fix of photos of drunken celebrities, you'll like this site...

The upcoming movie Team America has been getting a ton of press lately, including a cover story in Sunday's New York Times Arts & Leisure section. I just watched the trailer, and even though there's only 1 line of dialogue, it looks incredible. If it's at least as funny as a typical episode of South Park, it could be phenomenal.

Larry King's interview with Brian Wilson was an embarrassing display of poor research, a lack of listening, and general stupidity on Larry's part. Some of the lowlights:
- "You harmonized well?" (re: the Beach Boys)
- "And how about Mike Love. He was a friend?" (this was asked several minutes after Larry read off a card that Mike is Brian's cousin)
And, the worst offense...
- "Do you write your own songs?"

Could Be Worse
I would complain about what a pain-in-the-ass moving was this weekend (the whole 20 yards down the street), but at least I'm not my sister, who got her toe caught in the escalator at the new SoHo Bloomingdales and had her toenail ripped off, or my roommate, who got hit by a cab walking to the subway this morning, flew through the air, and landed on his back, needing stitches on the back of his head. I hope they both have swift recoveries.
And apparently my roommate's shoe flew off from the impact, and nobody was able to find it... so if anyone discovers a random shoe on the corner of 75th and Amsterdam, please let me know.

"Bullets, Not Boobs."
- porn star / former gubernatorial candidate / former high school classmate of mine, Mary Carey.

I'm Definitely SMILEing... At Least for Now
Tickets for Brian Wilson performing Smile in its entirety at Carnegie Hall went on sale this morning, and as expected, the traffic was too much for their website to handle. So after finally ordering 2 tickets in the first tier (for myself and Sticking Point Tommy), I managed to get through on the phone and land 2 tickets on the floor in the 5th row! I clicked a button on the website that claims it can cancel the online order, but got no confirmation, and since the order number is the same for both, I'll either a) end up with both pairs and sell the worse ones, b) end up with just the 5th row seats, or c) get neither and kill myself. Go b!

The headline Aborted Baby's Head Left Inside Woman says it all... but just in case, luckily there's a picture.

This game is a lot of fun and a great way to kill time... plus, according to its scoring system, I'm a "Pretty Cool Guy." And that's always nice to hear...

This article has some great classic ESPN clips, bloopers, commercials, etc.

Those Crazy Japanese
It's been a while since I've linked to anything porn-related, so here's perhaps the strangest, funniest porn (or non-porn) website ever.

Something Good Actually Came Out of Alien vs. Predator
I'd heard about this years ago and didn't think it would ever actually get made. Dunno if it'd be any good, but anything to give Bruce Campbell more work is fine with me... and maybe if it's a success, it'll pave the way for Chucky vs. Leprechaun... or Pinhead vs. Leatherface. So many possibilities...

I seem to be the only person my age who dislikes the Darkness (what's so good about a singer with a voice like nails on a chalkboard?), so this story is particularly funny to me, but I think everyone can enjoy it.

Bloggers, way to stick it to The Man!

Any musicians who released their first album on the day I was born are now officially eligible to enter the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame.

Reason #49 Not To Get a Tattoo While Drunk
I met a guy at a party over the weekend who got the state of Florida (in what looks like green Sharpie) on the top of his left foot. He also has "SOUTH" spelled out across his toes, which I thought was meant to be the key for the map, but I later found out that he has "DIRTY" spelled across the toes on his other foot (the fact that Florida does not qualify as part of the Dirty South is another issue entirely).

Things I've Learned the Past Few Weeks at Work
- Anne Hathaway has a major problem with sweaty pits. Her nipples are also overly-sensitive to the cold. And she's almost certainly a lesbian.
- When Quddus reads the word "adjective" off of a cue card, he makes it rhyme with "objective."
- Tom Cruise is either the nicest celebrity on the face of the earth, or he acts like he is (although my money is that he's genuine).
- Vanessa Carlton's socks are sweatier after 10 seconds of moonwalking than mine are after an hour-long workout.
- More TRL viewers tune in to see New Found Glory than to see the cast of Collateral.
- If you ever find yourself in a room with Jet Li and want to laugh, ask him to say the word "happy." He pronounces it "High-pee." If discussing the movie Hero, however, do not ask him who his hero is ("No hero! Just me!").

Cheers and Jeers from Last Night's CSN Concert
Jeers to LI public transportation. The train from Penn Station arrives into Freeport Station at 7:19, just as the 7:20 bus to Jones Beach Theater leaves. Not another train until 8:10... concert starts at 8. With 20,000 people coming to the theater, shouldn't there be buses running nonstop instead of every 50 minutes? We had to share an insanely overpriced taxi with 3 other strangers to get to the venue on-time.
Cheers to my friend Amy. She got free tickets 6 rows from the stage and backstage passes.
Cheers to the band. They sounded great.
Jeers to Stephen Stills. When he sings, he sounds like he has no tongue.
Jeers to man breasts. Nash has them. Crosby's are even bigger. Not a good look.
Cheers to Graham Nash. He was very friendly and appreciative when I talked to him backstage. Although I think it's just because he's interested in Amy. Nevertheless...
Cheers to the kindness of strangers. After we left the backstage party, we realized the buses back to the train station had stopped running. As we were about to hop into another overpriced cab, a couple we had talked to backstage offered us a ride to the station, then ended up taking us all the way back to Penn Station. Very cool.
Jeers to strangers who turn out to be creepy. The ride and conversation were perfectly pleasant until I brought up Governor McGreevey (the couple was from Jersey) and the driver goes off on a rant about how everyone in the world who is angry is simply a "repressed faggot" (much to the chagrin of his embarrassed wife). Luckily we had just gotten through the Midtown Tunnel, so we only had to endure about 5 minutes of this.

I Never Thought This Happens in Real Life
Yesterday on the show, "TRL favorite" Vanessa Carlton actually read her own name off the cue card, not realizing her name was simply there to cue her as to where in the script to start...

I'm the reigning office champion of Lightning Reaction... after about a dozen rounds, I was the only person who hadn't been shocked (this is roughly the equivalent of being King of the Idiots). Although once everyone stopped playing and VJ Vanessa convinced me to shock myself just to be part of the team, I was the only one stupid enough to pass the controller from one hand to the other to get a double-shock instead of simply dropping it or holding onto it...

Well this is one way to ensure a memorable wedding...

Not to name drop, but my cousin made the front page of yesterdays' Arts section of the New York Times...

Does anyone else think that Adam Levine's vocals on the new Maroon 5 song, "She Will Be Loved," sounds just as robotic as the vocals on "One More Time" by Daft Punk?

A Macy Gray's greatest hits album should be the shortest CD since Fine Young Cannibal's Finest.

The fact that even the voice-over actors for The Simpsons are dissing the show speaks volumes... although I would say its decline started closer to 6 years ago than 3.

I Missed the (Party) Bus
Friday, just after 7pm, I'm walking east on 75th St. between B'way and Amsterdam with two co-workers. Immersed in conversation, we don't notice the giant, decked out bus driving past us, heading west... that is, until I hear someone banging on the bus window. I look up just in time to see a very hot, very topless girl waving at us (er, at me, since my friends didn't look up in time). My reflexes too slow, I simply stared as the bus drove past.
"Did you see that? There was a naked girl in there!" I said to my companions.
"What?" they both replied at the same time.
We turned around just in time to see the bus (which had Party Bus written in big black letters on the back) turn north on Broadway and leave our lives forever. So if anyone knows the location of Party Bus (or simply of the hot naked chick), let me know.

This morning, probably for the first time ever, there was a story about the University of Pennsylvania on the giant Times Square ABC / ESPN news ticker... seems that our basketball coach Fran Dunphy has been offered the head coach position at LaSalle... which I guess means it's more of a LaSalle story than a UPenn story, but I'll still take it.

Love is a beautiful thing...

ESPN.com, or at least its bastard stepbrother Page 3, gives a shout-out to TRL in this article about baseball players' bizarre choices for entrance music... but a better article simply lists every player's song. Denny Stark of the Colorado Rockies gets props for being the only player to request Stone Temple Pilots ("Vasoline").

It's official... Brian Wilson is playing Carnegie Hall! Woo-hoo!

Although a very simple concept, this is actually a great few minutes of animation (with a good soundtrack, too).

It's On Like Donkey Kong!
VH1's Inside(Out) - Hulk Hogan, Stage Dad is incredible! An hour of watching the Hulkster alternate between his aggressive, catchphrase-a-second persona and his doting-father persona. The man's a living Jeckyl & Hyde. There's no chance his daughter Brooke will ever be successful, but at least she's giving it a try, which resulted in this program.

P.S. Aaron Carter makes an appearance for no reason whatsoever, and wow, puberty has not been kind to him... pockmarks galore. How he managed to snag both Hilary Duff and Lindsay Lohan is beyond comprehension.

Pamela Anderson was on the show yesterday to promote her new book, Star. We did a Madlibs-style stunt with her, and when asked for a noun, she said "penis." Afterwards, Vanessa was talking to Kelly Clarkson backstage, complaining that we're not allowed to talk about the Janet Jackson Super Bowl incident but Pam Anderson is allowed to say "penis" when she comes on the show (in fact she is not... but that's another issue). At which point I had the following exchange with Kelly Clarkson:
Me: We've reached our "penis" quota for the day... so if you wouldn't mind toning it down a bit, just make sure not to say "penis" too many times when you're out there, that would be great."
Kelly: Oh yeah, like I'm gonna go out there and be like, "I love American Idol! And I love ass!"

Well if the orangutan boxing is gone, then what's the point of going to the zoo at all?

At least until South Park and Arrested Development return with new episodes, the funniest show on television is Da Ali G. Show. Sunday's show featured Borat singing a song "Throw the Jews Down the Well," and I can't remember laughing that hard in a long time (my rooommate actually laughed so hard he was rolling around on the floor). Unfortunately HBO didn't post that clip on their site, but there are some great clips up.

P.S. Speaking of Arrested Development, the New York Times had a great profile of the show's creator, Mitchell Hurwitz, in the Arts & Leisure section over the weekend. The previews they gave for next season sound hilarious, especially the idea of having David Cross' character cast as an understudy in Blue Man Group, forcing him to sit by the phone every afternoon in blue make-up in case he's called in. Genius!

I typically don't like Will Ferrell or think his Bush impression is anything noteworthy, but this is pretty good.

Not much to post today... but if you like Michael Jackson and have a Lego fetish, check this out.

Don't forget to vote in this year's Maxim Hometown Hotties contest... or at least kill a few hours looking at pictures of hot chicks.

Following up on yesterday's post, I sent this letter out:

Dear Professor Greene,
My name is also Brian Greene, although unlike you I am a 24-year-old writer for MTV. Several times over the past few years I’ve been mistakenly identified as you. I recently received the enclosed letter, which I can only assume was meant for you. Although my first reaction was to write a letter expressing my surprise that anyone would have the audacity to question the teachings of someone who shared my name, I instead decided to forward it along to you.
Maybe our paths will actually cross one day. Until then, I will continue to direct all inquiries meant for you in your direction, and I hope you will return the favor should anyone mistakenly ask you questions about the impact of American Idol on the downfall of popular music.
Cheers,
Brian Greene

I recently received a letter in the mail for Dr. Brian Greene, saying how much the sender enjoyed the recent discussion of my new book but that one of my explainations bothered him and to please look over the enclosed pages that are the result of his "kicking it around since then." So to clear up any confusion:
1) I am not Professor Brian Greene, the Superstring Theorist from Columbia University.
2) If you're going to confuse me with him, do not try to show me up with your hair-brained schemes and theories. I'm much smarter than you and know much more about physics than you ever will. When in doubt, remember that I'm right and you're wrong.

P.S. For more information on my (meaning me, not superstring theorist) dealings with crazy Brian Greene (meaning superstring theorist, not me) fanatics, refer to the entries on March 19 & 20.

Fun With Puns
Fantasy football season is rapidly approaching, and here's a lit of names that are being considered by owners in my league:
*Quddus Staley
*Salt n Culpeppa'
Vick's Vapor Rub
*Clinton Portisheads
The Tiki Barber Shop
Honk If You're Joe Horny
The Free Masons
Steve Smith and Wesson
Carlos Santana Moss
*Lavernius and Shirley
Brooks Brothers
Price is Right
*CC Pennington
Eat Your Wheatleys
The Quentin Griffin-dors
*It's Not A. Toomer
The Porter House
The Bathroom Stallworth
The Cockey Shockeys
Fountains Of Reggie Wayne
I Bettis You Will
Fried Rice
Plummer's Crack
She Bledsoe Much
Mili Vanilli
Warner About the Rash
Palmer Ass
Kids In The Dante Hall
The Dominic Rhodes Scholars
*Taking It To Tai Streets
Hambrick Oven Pizza
Zereoue To 60
The Touchie Feeleys
*Fiedler on The Roof
Monty Pathon's Flying Circus
*The Wizard of Az-Zahir Hakim
(Names with an asterisk are my personal favorites)
My current team name: See Me, Feeley (although it's subject to change)

Last night I was having dinner with VJ Damien and Sr. Writer Joel at Popeye's on 49th St. As we're eating, I notice a man (African-American, probably late-20s, almost certainly not homeless) at another table, with no food in front of him, asleep ... and I mean deep sleep, with drool dripping from his lip to his t-shirt. A Popeye's janitor approaches the table and starts banging on it, yelling "No sleep!" but the guy doesn't stir. After about 20 seconds, the guy finally wakes up. "Get out! No sleep!" the janitor continues. The sleepy man looks outside, sees that it's pouring, and doesn't get up. Another, slightly older customer sitting a few seats away starts yelling at the janitor, "If the man wants to sleep, let him sleep!" The janitor eventually walks away, at which point the older man joins the sleepy guy at his table. "He can't tell you not to sleep if you want to sleep," he reassures sleepy guy.
At which point Damien chimes in, "I'm sure the janitor's just jealous... he probably wants to sleep. too." The older man says, "Nah, he's just jealous because he ain't got a good education and a good job. That's why he's jealous." At which point I laughed so hard I almost shot mashed potatoes out of my nose.

P.S. As we're leaving, Damien is asked to pose in a photo with two teenage girls. While waiting for their mom to shoot the photo, one of them asks Damien, "So you're just here eating Popeye's?" He replies, "Yup. It looks like we've got something in common... we both like great deals on chicken!"

It's Over... Elapsed Time: 12 Days, 5 Hours
My Duff crush has officially crashed and burned. Last night I was reading her concert review in the New York Times, which concluded with this line:
She's so relentlessly positive that when she delivered the Who's "My Generation" as a final encore, she altered a crucial line to sing, "Hope I don't die before I get old."
Disgusting!

I was at Pioneer (the place to buy beer in Manhattan) when I noticed a six-pack of He'Brew: The Chosen Beer - Messiah Bold. Could this be a joke? A trip to the website does little to answer the question... however, next time I shop there, I'll be sure to buy some (I would've gotten it last night, but PBR was on sale).

I'm Excused Because I'm White... Very White
Conversation among me, our senior writer Joel, and VJ's Damien and Vanessa, regarding today's surprise guests, Terror Squad:
Me - So I just wanna make sure... the other members are Remy, Big Pun, Geddy, and Tony Sunshine, right?
Joel - Um, Big Pun's dead.
Damien - Yeah, he's dead.
Me - He is?
Vanessa - Yeah, Big Pun's dead.
Joel - You didn't know that?
Me - How would I know that? Look at me!
Damien - The only reason that I'm not more upset with you is because you're wearing that shirt.*
(The three of them laugh as I slink out of the room)

*Editor's note: The shirt is a long-sleeved collared Penn shirt that has been cut to 3/4 sleeves because the shirt had shrunk and made the cuffs too tight on my wrists. I know it's ugly, but it's comfortable...