Wow, this is the most expensive protein drink I've ever heard of.

The Happy Tree Friends may not be as clever as Itchy & Scratchy, but you can't go wrong with gratuitous violence against adorable cartoon animals.
(I think my favorite is The Way You Make Me Wheel)

TRL Moment of the Week
This is an actual transcript from last Thursday's show:

Susie: Here with Dax Shepard, star of the movie ZAthura.
(Dax gives her a strange look, as the title is pronouned zaTHURa)
Susie: Now in ZAthura...
Dax: zaTHURa zaTHURa zaTHURa zaTHURa zaTHURa.
Susie: Sorry, ZAthura.
Dax: In the movie I play... (at this point he takes the interview into his own hands)
(cut to 45 seconds later)
Susie: Well thanks so much for stopping by. Everyone be sure to check out ZAthura...
Dax: zaTHURa!
Susie: ZA-THURa next Friday.

It Was a Graveyard Smash
Jimmy Kimmel has finally figured out a way to get me to watch his late-night show: get Bobby Brown and Mike Tyson to sing a duet of "Monster Mash." Hilarious!

Former Kinks frontman Ray Davies is playing a rare NYC at the tiny Supper Club on November 28th. Q104 pre-sale password is OTHER. Go get those tix!

Mommy Dearest
My parents were in town, and I had dinner with them at Sparks (best steaks in Manhattan). My mom is notorious for being unhappy with her meal and sending her order back, or at least looking sad and simply picking at her food. So imagine my surprise that we made it through - at a steakhouse, no less - without incident. I should've known better.
When her decaf coffee came, along with milk and an assortment of sweeteners, she says to the (non-English-speaking busboy), "There's no Splenda."
"What?" he replied.
My mom lifted her purse off the floor, opened up, and removed a plastic baggie filled with Splenda packets.
"You should serve Splenda. It's the only one that's truly healthy."
She then hands the packet to the busboy.
"Splenda?" he repeated. He turned the packet over in his hands, confused.
"Yes, Splenda. It's the only one I use."
At that point the busboy attempted to hand the packet back to my mother, but she refused.
"No, keep it. You should show it to the chef."
"The chef?"
"Yeah, you can give it to him."
"Okay," the busboy replied before slinking away.
I don't know if Sparks will now stock Splenda in its sweetener assortments. But maybe they shouldn't be so quick to follow my mom's advice...

Leave Me Lying Here, Cause I Don't Wanna Go
The new Veruca Salt tour must be doing massive business, based on this e-mail I received today:

Hello Friends,

Veruca Salt will be performing live tonight at Canal Room.
We are giving away two complimentary tickets to the first 25 people that respond to this e-mail.
If you are one of the 25 people we will e-mail you with a confirmation.

Doors open @ 7:30 pm, Show @ 8:00 pm
Veruca Salt with special guest The Lovemakers and Porselain

Sincerely,
Canal Room

I think this may be a first for Major League Baseball... at least, a first that doesn't include Mike Piazza.

It's Halloween, and I've just been given a slight scare... after months of hearing how sick he is of the Army and that he's anxiously awaiting his return to the U.S. so that he can start a normal civilian life, I get this e-mail from my friend stationed in Iraq:

Hi all
First off, sorry for being out of touch for so long, however circumstances were out of my control. Secondly, for all those who sent packages, thank you. I understand that blanket thank you’s are less flattering than personal responses, but I’m limited by time. At any rate, the guys and I have enjoyed all the food and supplies sent over. Life of army chow and MREs grows old, so it’s nice to mix things up every now and again.
As for our current situation, Ramadi is a tough town. We’ve had some difficult losses and are stretched thin on both manpower and vehicle strength. Right now it’s just a waiting game until the units in Kuwait come to relieve us. Rumors as always circulate as to when that might happen, but Jan 26th sounds like a common date for flights home.
I’m doing fine though my motivation rollercoasters daily. Like I said, Ramadi is a tough town and it gets to all of us. I don’t know what the army plans to achieve here, but they need to Fallujah this place and restore some sense of balance. There are neighborhoods here we just cede to the insurgents because we get our asses handed to us every time we roll through. So it’s become a standoff game, we’ve circled the wagons and are waiting for the cavalry to arrive. I’m not sure how the rest of Iraq is faring, from the Stars and Stripes one would think it’s all according to plan. I guess that’s why they don’t send journalists to our town. Some of the "headlines" we read on CNN make us laugh, they should send some dudes here for a month. We’ve figured out that once the cameras appear then nothing’s happening in that area anymore. Has anybody seen any pictures of al Qaim, Haditha, Habaniya, or good ole’ Ramadi lately…thought not.
Anyway, sorry to get you all down with my venting, but that’s news around here. We can’t wait to see this city destroyed and get the hell out.
As to my personal plans, I’m waiting for leave when I return to decide for certain. I will spend a couple weeks in California with my best bud Jon to see what opportunities are lying in wait. However, I still have the Army bug. In spite of all the BS (and there’s a lot), I enjoy the work. If I could eliminate the dress right dress junk and just boil it down to the job, I’d stay for another tour. But then again, who knows? The civilian life is mighty tempting…I’ll just wait and see.
Ok, enough for now. Take care and I hope contact you all again soon.
K
ps here's a recent pic...enjoy

While I'm thrilled to hear he could be headed home in January, this prospect of re-enlisting is not a pleasant one. I don't understand how he can constantly bitch and moan about his surroundings and experiences but still have the "Army bug." I guess I never will understand unless I've done what he's done. And I hope that will never happen.

The concept behind these Yacht Rock shorts is genius: fictional backstories of some of the most popular late-70s/early-80s soft rock hits from artists like Kenny Loggins, Hall & Oates, and Michael McDonald. The execution, however, is only intermittently successful. But worth at least a watch or two.

Last night's South Park episode featured a hilarious storyline in which the boys think that the girls have a device that actually predicts the future and form a plot to steal it from them. The device is in fact one of those paper things elementary school kids fold and put on their fingers, then say colors and numbers to flip them until they eventually uncover their fortune. I had no idea what these things were called when I discussed the show with a co-worker, but according to this website on how to design them, they're called Cootie Catchers. Which does not sound right at all. Anyone know it's real name?
By the way, the Google search used to find this website: Paper future predict.

Giving Brians (er, Brions) a Good Name
Last night's Jon Brion concert at Canal Room (the 10:30 show) was, in a word, fuckingamazing. After a late start (11:15-ish), he played an hour-and-a-half set filled with original tunes, jams, and covers (everything from Beatles to Kanye West to Psychedelic Furs to Fats Waller). Some songs were played just on guitar, some just on piano, but the amazing moments were when he would turn into a one-man band. He starts at the drum kit, playing anywhere from 4 to 32 bars, then looping it. As the drums continue to play, he heads to the piano and plays a sequence, looping that as well. Then on to the electric guitar, which he modifies into a bass to loop a bass line. Then maybe he'll loop a guitar part or 3 before playing the lead guitar line in real time while singing. You've never seen anything like it.
Around 1am, he ended his official set but invited people to stick around for some fun. He came back out 30 minutes later to play another full set made up solely of requests. He can play almost anything the crowd shouted out ("Life on Mars," "Sail Away," "Hook Line & Sinker")… his wealth of musical knowledge is staggering. Just to know all the lyrics is an accomplishment, let alone to be able to play the songs, on multiple instruments, simultaneously.
After another hour (and many pints of Guinness), he finally thanked the crowd and stumbled offstage. It's a concert I won't soon forget.
For all you New Yorkers, he has added another show tonight at Canal Room… and West Coast readers, he plays every Friday night at Largo.

How could Scott Weiland stoop so low?

The epic Green Day video for "Jesus of Suburbia" (at least the 9-minute version, not the 14-minute one) is up on MySpace (you may have to be a registered user to see it). And based on the amount of sex, drinking, and coke-snorting in the first 30 seconds, I'm guessing we won't be showing it too soon on TRL.
(note: if the link doesn't work, go to the music section, then click on videos and search by either band or song)

Things I Learned from Watching Mr. T's Be Somebody or Be Somebody's Fool
- If you're going to create a new word, it's hard to come up with a better one than "absoludicrous."
- Fergie had not yet had her first face-lift at age 9 (see photo), although she might still have been in her pants-wetting phase. She also wanted to be a baseball player when she grew up, even though she swings like crap.
- If you cannot afford a gym membership, you can get a damn fine workout by repeatedly lifting a boom box and by doing squats with a bag of popcorn on your head.
- If you're a fat kid, Mr. T will make fun of you.
- To prevent yourself from looking foolish when you trip, pretend to breakdance when you hit the floor. Then people will applaud you instead of laugh at you.
- Treat your mother right.
- If you're being pressured to drink or smoke when you're underage, having New Edition around to sing a motivational song will help you just say no.
Thank you for the lessons, Mr. T!

Here's one toy I would never want a kid to play with.

And here's one toy I would never want an adult to play with.

TRL Moment of the Week
Two big musical legends dropped by this week: Madonna on Monday and Stevie Wonder on Tuesday. Madonna looked much smaller, frailer, and less curvaceous in person, but she was also incredibly nice and easy-going (although she still manages to drive certain people out of their minds). Stevie Wonder was much bigger and more curvaceous than I expected, but was just as nice and easy-going, if a little overwhelmed by the TRL experience.
I did wonder whether Stevie realized that his sunglasses had the abbreviation for his new album written on the side (sorry you can't really see it in the picture). If not, that's about the most offensive product placement I've ever come across.

Wow, a bizarre thing happens when you Google the word "love" in Google images. Check out the last picture on the 1st page.

I'm amazed that Jon Brion's concerts at the Canal Room have not sold out. My friend convinced me to buy a ticket, and the closer we get to the show, the more I excited I've become. Here's what NY Magazine has to say about it:
One-Night Stand: A California songster comes east, and may bring friends.
Jon Brion:
The Los Angeles singer-songwriter and producer—he’s worked on everything from Fiona Apple’s great new Extraordinary Machine to the soundtrack of Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind—plays a rare set of shows at the intimate Canal Room this week. His longtime residency at the Hollywood club Largo regularly draws surprise guest appearances from the likes of Michael Stipe, Elvis Costello, and Kanye West, and there’s no reason to expect less on this coast.

There is a fairly lengthy criticism of the current season of Curb Your Enthusiasm in New York Observer, and after an amusing first episode, I have to agree that the show has lost its way. The fun of the show used to be in the way Larry (mis)handled everyday situations. Now the show is pushing his experiences out of the realm of reality. It is also lingering way too long on jokes (pharmacist / doctor... oh, and if Larry does his questioning stare one more time, I may turn the show off for good) and unnecessarily tying all storylines together at the end (Did we really need the tooth fairy to visit Larry? Did we really need Cofey to carve his name on a door at the retirement home?). Between that and the disaster that is Extras, I'm thoroughly disappointed in HBO's Sunday night line-up. Here's hoping the eventual return of The Sopranos can turn things around.

Yes, Elizabethtown sucks, and the end road-trip montage is interminable... but enter this contest for a chance to meet Cameron Crowe on VH1 Classic (and discuss his good movies like Say Anything). Oh, and it's a tough challenge that makes you list your 12 favorite songs. Marinate on that for a while...

Saw the Loser's Lounge Tribute to Stevie Wonder last night. This was my 2nd LL show, and it didn't stack up to the Queen tribute, but it was still a fantastic show. Their posse of NYC musicians is top-of-the-line. Of particular note were Tiffany Randol (lead singer of Valeze), who rocked out to "Superstition," Carlton Smith, who had the crowd eating out of his hand during "Livin' for the City," Julia Greenberg, whose "I Believe When I Fall in Love" was beautiful despite terrible tech problems, and Sean Altman's "Tears of a Clown." You have 2 chances to see them tonight and 2 tomorrow, and I highly recommend it.

It seems that in the UK, the Axl look is back!

These people have the guts to say what all Americans really think about Canada.

I read IMDB's news sections every day, but this story from today is by far my favorite of all time:

Prinze Jr.'s "Cracked Rib" Is Pain From Over-Eating
Freddie Prinze Jr. has stepped forward to sheepishly disclose that the pain he recently described as a "cracked rib" is actually just discomfort from eating too much Chinese food. Last week, the actor, married to his Scooby-Doo co-star Sarah Michelle Gellar, claimed he got out of bed in New York City with a mysteriously cracked rib. But he now admits that over-indulgence at one of his favorite restaurants is more likely the cause of his pain. He says, "(My rib) is not cracked. It's officially torn muscles between two ribs. I ate a lot and my stomach was a little upset and I went to bed and I woke up the next day and I felt like I broke a rib. (I ate) a lot of Chinese food. My favorite little place in New York is a place called Chun Lee and they have a lot of food and I ate all of it. It hurts really bad. They gave me Vicodin, but I can't take too much of that because I have to work. So they gave me these anti-inflammatories, but they make me throw up, which tears the muscle more, so it's not really that helpful."

This list brings me back to the good ol' days when The Simpsons was actually funny...

Sweet Revenge
Here's a great video of Eugene Mirman responding to a batch of hate e-mails from a pair of asshole frat boys.

Is anyone else annoyed that Ashlee Simpson performed on this weekend's Saturday Night Live? Didn't it used to be an honor to perform on SNL as opposed to a publicity stunt? And what happened Lorne Michaels' outrage that Ashlee used a backing track last season, supposedly the first time that's ever happened on the show? There are plenty of worthy, talented musicians who are much more deserving of the slot than this two-bit hack who couldn't even finish her current single before running out of breath.
And while I'm on the subject, this past episode was one of the worst I've ever seen. Forgetting the basic lack of funny material, it was simply sloppy from a technical standpoint. The cast (especially in the first scene) appeared to have never read the material before, as they couldn't take their eyes off the cue cards. A commercial parody was interrupted with an establishing shot from an upcoming scene. The director would choose shots of characters who weren't speaking. The cast kept blowing their lines.
On second thought, maybe Ashlee Simpson is the only artist who would stoop low enough to appear on the show.

I don't know what this is or where it came from, but it's hilarious.

TRL Moment of the Week
On Monday, Cameron Diaz and Toni Collette were here to promote In Her Shoes. In the middle of the stunt (called "These Shoes Are Made For Talkin'"... clever, eh?), a guy in the audience suddenly gets up, walks over to Cameron, and puts his hand on her shoulder. Cameron barely had time to react to the kid (actually he was 23-years old) before he was tackled by one of our stage managers and removed from the studio.
Afterwards, our audience coordinator could be heard bellowing at him, "I hope you know you're getting arrested. You're gonna go to jail. I hope it was worth it, cause you're fucking going to jail. Was it? Was it worth it?" When the guy's response was too calm for her, she got the guy's phone number and called his house to make sure that he wasn't on medication. The guy's very apologetic sister explained that no, he is not on any meds... he's just "abnormal and doesn't have a lot of friends. But he was real excited to come to TRL so he could meet the celebrities!"

We've all seen the redone trailer for The Shining. Now here's two more... they're not as good, but still worth a watch.
- Titanic
- West Side Story

McRorie is opening for Beck tonight, and based on his site, I cannot wait.

What the Buc?
Wow, all I can say is that Tampa Bay has got some HUGE balls for putting this up on their official website...

Sorry for my lack of posting, but most of my blog energy has been devoted to the A-Rod / Ortiz debate I started. My bad.

On a positive note, how can Arrested Development possibly get any better (especially after the Bob Loblaw / Analrapist episode)? Why, add a touch of The Office (UK version).

Reasons Why A-Rod Should Win the MVP Over Ortiz
1) Ortiz is a DH. People have been arguing that this shouldn’t prevent him from winning the award, and they are right, if his stats had been so head-and-shoulders above anyone else’s. But they’re not (more on that later). And even if they were, which they’re not, baseball isn’t only about scoring runs… it’s about preventing them, too. And Ortiz didn’t contribute to that at all, while A-Rod was one of the best at arguably the toughest position in baseball.
2) A-Rod had a better season statistically. Sure, Ortiz had more RBI’s. But A-Rod led in batting average (by 20 points!), homers, runs, hits, stolen bases, on-base percentage, and slugging percentage. In fact, A-Rod led the league in 4 statistical categories, and was top 2 in 2 others. Ortiz only led in RBI and was top 2 in 3 others. The numbers don’t lie.
3) A-Rod often batted 2nd in the Yankee line-up, which limited his RBI opportunities. Meanwhile, Ortiz batted almost exclusively in the 3 or 4 hole. More RBI chances = more RBI's.
4) The Yanks won their division. The Red Sox came in second. The MVP should follow suit.
5) I hate the Red Sox and love the Yanks.

Judd Apatow has kept a diary this week on Slate. Not the most fascinating read, but Wednesday has a great story about him, Ben Stiller, and the Rolling Stones, and Thursday features a shout-out to Weird Al Yankovic.

So I subscribe to this British gossip newsletter (it's like the UK version of Gossiplist, but generally less interesting). However, today's issue had one of the most bizarre links I've ever come across. It leads to many unanswered questions:
1) Who in their right mind comes up with the idea of a mail-order sex-toy rental company?
2) Who in their right mind would willingly pay to borrow used sex toys?
3) Wouldn't it be just as cost-effective (and healthier) to spend the monthly fee on sex toys you can buy for yourself and not have to share?
4) Why is this company using a patent-pending cleaning process on their toys? Aren't STDs serious enough that they would use something that is proven to be effective?
I'm sure there are others, but I know I've spent more than enough time thinking about this.

"Jackass" Doesn't Begin to Describe...
Steve-O on Too Late with Adam Carolla. Drunk, obnoxious, destructive... that's more like it. But hey, why am I surprised?

Someone please give this girl $25...

Whip out your checkbooks to help out the victims of Hurricane Katrina and you could get a phone call from Brian Wilson.
Whip out something else, and that's your own business.

Can't wait to hear the new Franz Ferdinand album? Here ya go...

Wow, I didn't realize how awkward print interviews could be until I read this one with Stephen Colbert from yesterday's New York Times Magazine. Smooth sailing right up until the tenth question, and then BAM!

What's Second?
I've never watched Big Brother, so I'm not really familiar with how annoying Julie Chen is. Yet I still think this "But first" montage is hilarious.

Last night I went to a party for Found Magazine, which publishes items (mostly letter and photographs) that readers have found on the street. It's such a simple but brilliant concept. You can check out submissions on their website... there seems to be an endless supply if you keep clicking on "More Finds" on the right side of the page.

This made me laugh so hard, I peed my pants. Well, not actually... I mean, who do you think I am, Jenny McCarthy?

I'm Oscar. Dot com.
If you watched Monday's season premiere of Arrested Development (and not many of you did, because it apparently tanked in the ratings), you will appreciate this site. Entry #41 is the best.

Neil Young's new album is streaming here. I haven't had a chance to listen yet, but during React Now, MTV's Hurricane Katrina benefit, Chris Rock was excitedly telling people that he's name-checked in the lyrics to one of the songs. Happy hunting...

Thanks to my friend Mike for finding this old-school Nintento commercial for The Legend of Zelda. Few notes to the producers, though:
1) Your rap sucks.
2) Nobody called it the Nintendo Entertainment System.
3) Nice beatbox by the kid going "wicka wicka."
4) Parents will hook up the Nintendo? Really? My parents are clueless when it comes to technology.

The newest cast of The Surreal Life has been announced, and it includes members of the The Brady Bunch, Poison, and The Jeffersons, plus the greatest human windshield wiper ever, Tawny Kitaen. Nice!

Last night I officially began my boycott of current episodes of The Simpsons, and to be honest, I don't miss it at all. But in case I do get an urge, I can hold off thanks to this site a dear reader sent to me which is funnier than anything that's been on the show in years: clips of the season premiere with the "blind-assist" function turned on, so that an overly-excited voice narrates the action. Brilliant!
(Note: sadly, not all of the clips work)

Wild Like Children
Congrats are due to Tilly & the Wall. They played an amazing show last night at the Knitting Factory, headlining the Team Love CMJ show, and also have officially sold more than 10,000 copies of their album (as announced before their set by Conor Oberst), which is a huge accomplishment for a relatively new band on a small indie label with little (as in no) radio or TV exposure. Old songs sounded great, and new ones showed great promise... I can't wait to hear how they turn out on the next album, which will hopefully be out in early Spring. The show featured the most energetic audience I've seen at one of their gigs, yet the band remains as humble as always, stubbornly awed by the crowd response (let alone attendance) to their show. As their fanbase grows and hopefully 10,000 records sold turns into 100,000, let's hope they learn to recognize that they deserve it.


The gang's all here (almost)... from left to right: Derek, Jamie, Neely, and Kianna (not pictured: Nick, who was blocked from my view by the side of the stage... sorry Nick). Did they rock? As Derek's shirt says, "totally totally."


Not only do Neely and Kianna sing and look like sirens, but they can both jam on bass. In Kianna's words, it was "fucking sweet."

Get Bored or Cry Tryin'
To save my valued readers the hardship of finding out for themselves, here's a quick breakdown of the upcoming 50 Cent movie Get Rich or Die Tryin', which I saw yesterday:
-Take the movie Scarface.
-Replace Al Pacino with 50, who has one facial expression for all emotions.
-Instead of ending the movie when the main character gets shot a million times, add on the end of Hustle & Flow (but make it about 20 minutes longer).
-Include stupid voiceover such as "I never knew my father. All I knew is that he wasn't white. And he wasn't a cop, black or white."
-Oh, and remove anything remotely interesting, exciting, or dramatic.

Fox has got to stop trying to insert cute throwaway jokes into their hour-long dramas, because they are always, ALWAYS lame. They instantly cause me to tune out and never return. Out of two new shows I've tried watching this season, both have suffered from this malady.

First up was Prison Break. At the start of the show, when the main character is holding up the bank, he has this exchange with a teller:
Robber: Where's the bank manager?
Teller: He's having lunch at White Castle.
Robber: (incredulous) What!?!
Teller: It's a fast food restaurant that serves those mini-square hamburgers.
Click.

The next perpetrator? Reunion, which had this exchange between two friends who just graduated high school (in 1986).
Guy: I don't know, that seems a little too St. Elmo's Fire.
Girl: You cried during St. Elmo's Fire.
Guy: (stammering) I told you, it was ragweed season. There was a lot of pollen in the air.
Click.

Fortunately, I can still get my quality humor from South Park, which was just renewed for 3 more seasons and which finally won a well-deserved, long-overdue Emmy for Best Animated Show. Congrats!

Here's a quick story of one of the worst pick-up attempts I've ever witnessed.
It happened on Tuesday night at a bar that was holding a fundraiser for Hurricane Katrina... $20 for 4 hours of open bar. I was there with a bunch of co-workers. A couple hours into the night, I heard that one of the partiers had taken a liking to a female co-worker, but was too intimidated by her to do anything about it, claiming that she was out of his league. But after a few more drinks, his confience had been raised enough to allow him to approach her with this line:
"You know, I came here tonight for two reasons. One, to help the victims of Hurricane Katrina. And two, to find a nice Irish girl like you."
Needless to say, it was not a well-received opening. And she remains out of his league.

Hey hey hey, it's Fat Dynamite!

Who did you think it was? Gosh!

I pity the fool who won't watch I Pity the Fool.

I also pity the fool who greenlit it, as it's sure to be one of the worst shows of all time.

Nomer* Homer
That's it. I'm officially never watching a new episode of The Simpsons ever again. Last night's 17th season premiere was the last straw. I'm sick of them recycling material (the joke about Homer going to the outhouse and his cousin saying "We don't have an outhouse… my recording studio!" was used in part 2 of "Who Shot Mr. Burns" with Grandpa saying he's going to use the outhouse, Lisa saying they don't have one, and Homer exclaiming "My toolshed!"). I'm sick of storylines where Marge leaves Homer, finds a much better man, but goes back to Homer in the end. But the joke that really did it for me was this exchange:

(Homer in a boat is surrounded by a gang of menacing kids on jet-skis when Alec Baldwin's character pulls up in a boat)
Alec Baldwin's Character: I have this court order preventing you from riding those jet-skis.
Gang Leader: Your court order doesn't scare us. (beat) Oh my God, it's notarized. Let's get out of here!

Funny? Not by a long shot. And yet this type of joke is used over and over and over. And I'm sick of it.
So Simpsons, I wish you goodbye, good luck, and good riddance.

* (pronounced "no more")

Actually, this was my favorite moment from React Now: John Corbett looking like a cross between Fabio and the lead singer of Creed.

React Now... and how!
Saturday was a long (16-hour) day working at React Now, MTV's benefit for Hurricane Katrina. But I think we can unequivocally say that the show was a success (even the typically anti-MTV NY Times agreed). Performance highlights included Neil Young, Fiona Apple, Pearl Jam, Alan Jackson, Audioslave, Melissa Etheridge, Trent Reznor, Common, and Allen Toussaint. Lowpoints included Motley Crue f/ Chester Bennington, Rolling Stones, Paul McCartney, U2 (particularly Bono's awkward drum solo), Kanye West, and Maroon 5. You can watch all of the performances and download certain songs here.
Our show was in stark contrast to Shelter from the Storm, the telethon that aired on the 6 major networks on Friday night, which was filled with technical glitches, shots lingering on hosts looking confused after their reads, and unnecessary eavesdropping on phone calls (can Mandy Moore say anything other than "Oh my God"?)... the lone standout was Foo Fighters' killer take on "Born on the Bayou." React Now also hopefully redeemed MTV from the post-Live 8 backlash. I'm glad I could take part in an event that turned out so well and was for such a good cause.

An Unexpected Moment of Sincerity from LastStop
I will spend about 15 hours tomorrow working on React Now: Music & Relief, MTV's benefit show for the victims of Hurricane Katrina. It's 4 hours, commercial-free, almost entirely comprised of around 40 performances from MTV favorites like Kelly Clarkson, Alicia Keys, and Ludacris to rock acts like Pearl Jam, Audioslave, and Motley Crue to legendary acts like Brian Wilson, Rolling Stones, and Neil Young to country acts like Alan Jackson, Big & Rich, and Hank Williams Jr. You can watch it on any MTV channel (MTV, MTV2, MTVU, VH1, VH1 Classic, and CMT) starting Saturday night at 8pm. Please do (or at the very least Tivo or DVR it and fast-forward through the acts you don't like), and please donate whatever you can (money, clothes, blood, time) to help.

This video of Celine Dion doing a Michael Jackson impression is at least a couple months old, but I just saw it for the first time. And hopefully the last.

Your Mission, Should You Choose to Accept It
You MUST check out the new issue of Seventeen Magazine (the MTV Celebrity Special with Kristen from Laguna Beach on the cover). Specifically, pages 84-85. You don't even have to buy it... just go to a newsstand and flip to that page. I won't tell you why... you need to discover it for yourself. But believe me, it will BLOW YOUR MIND!

Worked to Death
Yesterday I had my 3rd doctor's appointment to check my blood pressure, and it's still too high... and now I have to buy an automatic blood pressure monitor (which isn't covered by insurance) to test myself at home 3 times a week.
I didn't realize that coming up with new ways to introduce crappy videos everyday was so stressful... but apparently, it is.

Music News
1) The reunited Cream will be playing 3 nights at The Garden in October.
2) You can stream the new Dandy Warhols album here.
3) Beck is playing Hammerstein Ballroom October 6th. Pre-sale starts Friday morning... password is Girl.

Why Old People Suck, Reason #239
They get night terrors.
During the day.
In the middle of a Broadway show.
At least an old woman sitting 2 rows behind me during The Pillowman did this weekend. She kept falling asleep, then waking up with a start, yelling to her husband "Jimmy!!! What's going on?!?"
It happened 5 times, and during the most dramatic points of the first act. It didn't phase the actors, at least not noticably, but her antics annoyed the audience considerably. Luckily the couple left during intermission and never returned.

The 40-Year-Old Virgin is alive and well. And apparently he drinks at Blondie's on the Upper West Side on Saturday nights.

If these Madonna Condoms are really like the singer, then they're wrinkled, past their prime, and have already been jizzed in by countless men.

Had my fantasy football draft last night... 10 teams, all fairly knowledgeable. I had the 7th pick, which is one of, if not the, worst spot in the draft. But here's how I did (round chosen is in parenthesis):

QB: Marc Bulger (5)
QB: Byron Leftwich (12)
RB: Deuce McAllister (1)
RB: Corey Dillon (2)
RB: Fred Taylor (8)
RB: Mike Anderson (11)
RB: Ricky Williams (13)
WR: Chad Johnson (3)
WR: Javon Walker (4)
WR: Jerry Porter (7)
WR: Ashley Lelie (9)
TE: Jason Witten (6)
TE: LJ Smith (14)
Def: Pittsburgh (10)
K: Josh Brown (15)

I have a good crop of receivers, especially getting Johnson with the 27th pick. My running backs are solid but not spectacular... ditto quarterbacks. Getting Pittsburgh's D so late is a steal, and I'm hoping Ricky Williams gets traded from the Dolphins and turns in a monster season... could be the best pick of the draft, or a waste... only time will tell.
After winning this league in back-to-back seasons, it'll be tough to reach the 3-peat.

Here are some tasty nuggets from the new book "Serving From the Hip: 10 Rules for Living, Loving, and Winning," written by Venus & Serena Williams. When reading them, bear in mind that these women are 25 and 23-years-old, respectively.
- Imagine what the world would be like without dreams… there would be no electricity or sliced bread or stoplights or television.
- Don't let others trick you into believing that being educated isn't cool. Karate-chop those people out of your life and keep right on studying and learning!
- Friendship is like tennis - it's all about the back and forth.
- Lemonade is one of Serena's favorite drinks - which makes sense, since she sure does know how to make something sweet out of a sour situation.
- We bathe or take a shower every day.
- Now that I'm an adult… I'm starting to develop crushes on guys. Crushes are so much fun!

AOL has been doing a Battle of the Bands all summer long. It's 3 categories: Pop, Indie, and Classic Rock. They're up to round 6, which in the Classic Rock category has Def Leppard vs. Paul McCartney. So far, the boys of Def Lep are kicking ass! Vote to make sure that this keeps up.

The Playlist from this Sunday's New York Times Arts & Leisure section featured Mark Romanek giving his favorite current music videos. After some investigative work, I've discovered that the two best ones are "Romantic Death" by The Sun and Aphex Twin's "Rubber Johnny."
But feel free to disagree.

A Picture's Worth a Thousand Words
This is a cool article where sketch artists had to draw celebrities based on descriptions of them in the press. Although I doubt there are many crimes being solved with their help.

Nice photo of the Jets' new punter in the New York Post.
Oh, and the guy grabbing his nuts looks pretty happy too.

TRL Moment of the Week
We held a contest to give away a trip to Sunday's VMA's including flight, hotel, and 2 tickets to the event. It started as a karaoke contest on Monday, and then the 2 finalists came back on Tuesday to answer trivia questions about VMA-nominated videos. As the two girls tied (getting a mere 2 out of 5 correct), we went to the tie-breaker questions: How many miles is it from our Times Square studio to the American Airlines Arena in Miami?
The correct answer: 1,298 miles
Girl #1's response: 2,168 miles
Girl #2's response: 20,000 miles
Yes, 20,000 miles. Which would be close to correct if, instead of traveling south, we measured the distance heading north and going all the way around the earth.
Congrats to the winner, girl #1.

For all you hardcore 40-Year-Old Virgin fans, the website has some deleted scenes from the movie (most of which were rightfully cut out, but some of which are entertaining) in the Andy's Life section.

And has anyone else noticed the missing hyphen between 40 and Year? (or am I the only nerd who has?) Some posters have it right, some have it wrong... the website has it wrong... the soundtrack has it wrong... I can't remember if it's right in the credits of the movie or not... anyone know? Anyone care?

Kanye West's new album is streaming online here.

Also, I just heard that there's an E! True Hollywood Story on Blossom! I'm setting my DVR as soon as I get home.

I have a new dessert obsession to replace Ben & Jerry's cookie-dough-balls-covered-in-frozen-hot-fudge (that only seem to be available at the location on 9th & 3rd): deep fried Oreos. You can get them at Righteous Urban BBQ (a.k.a. R.U.B.). After a gut-busting meal on Sunday of pulled pork, pastrami, and pork ribs (plus french fries seasoned with brown sugar), I couldn't resist ordering a basket of them for dessert. They come 4 in an order, looking like a golfball-sized funnel cake covered in powdered sugar. Bite into one and you'll taste a giant glob of warm Oreo filling. Soon your heart starts to beat really hard against your chest from the cholesterol pumping through your veins. Then you have to take another bite. And another. Until it's all gone and you're momentarily sad but also scared because your heart is still beating very hard. Eventually your heart slows back to normal and you fall into a gentle food coma, and all is well in the world once again.
It's been 72 hours since I ate them and I still can't stop thinking about them. Help me!

Yesterday I had the pleasure of meeting CtBL's new pride and joy, baby F. And yes, she is adorable, even with her face all scrunched up and her prune hands. She has beautiful blue eyes which open really wide to take in the world, she sticks out her tongue in response to my doing the same thing (although I can't imagine it's intentional), she's ticklish on the bottoms of her feet and under her arms, and she feels lighter than a Cabbage Patch Doll. I'm glad that mom and dad are both doing so well and enjoying their new addition… I can't wait to watch her grow up.

If you're wondering what 2 of your favorite 80's stars have been up to, wonder no more:
- Growing Pains star (and I use that term loosely) Jeremy Miller has found superstardom in China.
- Action star Steven Seagal, after traveling the world looking for herbal remedies to revive his career, has created a "new generation of Gourmet Energy Drink" called Lightning Bolt. He has also released a pop CD.

Newest Entry in the TRL Graveyard
I'm not sure if this attempt at a cold open was just so lame that my producer never responded, or if he simply overlooked it... either way, it's not happening.

(VANESSA IS IN THE GREEN ROOM AND DAMIEN WALKS IN)

DAMIEN
-HEY VANESSA, WHAT'RE YOU UP TO?

VANESSA
-JUST ABOUT TO LISTEN TO THE NEW 50 CENT ALBUM

(SHE HANDS HIM A CD)

DAMIEN
-"FROM PIECES TO WEIGHT" AUDIO BOOK
-COOL, IT'S GOT ALL MY FAVORITES ON HERE
-CHAPTER 1, CHAPTER 7
-EVEN THE CHAPTER 4 REMIX!

VANESSA
-PEOPLE HAVE BEEN GOING CRAZY FOR IT AT THE CLUBS

(SHE HITS PLAY ON THE STEREO AND AWKWARDLY TRIES TO DANCE TO SOMEONE READING A PASSAGE FROM THE BOOK)

DAMIEN
-I'M GONNA GO BUY A COPY RIGHT NOW!

(HE EXITS THE ROOM AS VANESSA CONTINUES TO DANCE)

VANESSA
-TRL STARTS NOW!

TRL Moment of the Week
During videos we often show random facts about that artist: tour plans, childhood nicknames, inspirations for songs, etc. But this fact about My Chemical Romance, which ran on Tuesday, is my all-time favorite:
"What is MCR's favorite rock & roll era? Glam!"
(According to this questionable website, that means MCR reveres such artists as Elton John, ABBA, The Bay City Rollers, ELO, and Poison. Somehow that seems highly unlikely to me.)

This article, which compares every MLB team to a character from The Simpsons, is brilliant. With one exception: I would hardly call the Red Sox "beloved by all."
(Thanks to my friend over at Sticking Point for e-mailing it to me)

Mashing up "Pet Sounds" with Kanye West is an interesting experiment, but I wouldn't call it entirely successful.

Today I am officially closer to 30 than 20... and I don't like it one bit.

In honor of National Tell-a-Joke Day, I've decided to share the most offensive joke I've ever heard... at least as much of it as I'm comfortable posting. Here goes:
What do you say to the _____ _____?
_____ to the _____ of the _____!
(To hear that joke in its entirety, you'll have to ask me in person)
(And I do not condone the message of the joke, but I do think it's funny)

Speaking of jokes, the Comedy Central Roast of Pam Anderson had me laughing harder than I have in a very long time. Amazing sets from Greg Giraldo, Lisa Lampanelli, and Nick DiPaolo, plus good moments from Jimmy Kimmel, Adam Carolla, and Andy Dick. My favorite line of the night was "Courtney Love's career dried up faster than Sarah Silverman's ___ when she meets a guy who can't help her in the industry." Even Tommy Lee performing a song from his upcoming solo album couldn't tarnish an amazing hour-and-45-minutes of programming.
One sad note, which I just discussed with Mr. Sticking Point, was the participation of Courtney Love. On drugs, off drugs, whatever she was, she was a mess. Interrupting comics, spreading her legs, stumbling down the stairs, it was a non-stop train wreck. I couldn't stop thinking how awful it must feel for her daughter to watch her mom make such an ass out of herself. And despite Courtney's repeated claims of being clean and sober for a year, is anyone surprised that a story broke last week that she failed a drug test? As terrible a situation as this would be, there is no doubt in my mind that her daughter is better off in the care of another guardian.

This parody of A-ha's "Take On Me" video has definitely been one of the highlights of the annoyingly-inconsistent new season of Family Guy. Enjoy!

TRL Moment of the Week
Tough call between two awkward VJ interactions with fans. Here are the nominees:

1) Quddus, outside on the hot and humid streets of Times Square yesterday, pointing out to a female fan he's interviewing (and to viewers around the country) that she's "sweating through her shirt."
2) Damien, trying to add spice to a boring fan whose opinion he had solicited on the new Backstreet Boys video, telling her that she "smells like custard."

I'm gonna have to call this one a tie.

Golden Girls Greatest Hits
What an amazing album this would be... if only it were real.
They should name the follow-up "Crabby Road" (ba dum dum)

I never imagined that I would ever write the following statement, but the Backstreet Boys have made a genius video. The song is called "Just Want You To Know," and it's just as bad as the usual BSB crap. But for the video, they parodied Heavy Metal Parking Lot and basically the entire 80s hair-metal scene, and they nailed it. It's brilliant. Seriously. I'm not being sarcastic. You can check it out here.

One of my friends from high school recently posted some adorable high school photos of Mary Carey, from back when she was known simply as Mary Ellen Cook. This one is my favorite. Quite a different image, huh? Although I guess she was able to put this skill to use in her current career after all.

Worst... baby gift... EVER!!!

Jack Handey has returned with an essay in the new issue of New Yorker. It's not as funny as the majority of his Deep Thoughts, but still an entertaining read.
And while we're on the subject, I'm big on daily calendars, and the best one I ever had was a Deep Thoughts one. That was back in like 1996, and I haven't been able to find one since. Can anyone help me out? Even if it has the same entries as the '96 edition, I'd still be grateful.

TRL Moment of the Week
On Tuesday, VJSusie spent part of the show on the streets of Times Square while Damien held things down inside the studio. When she came upstairs, there was a toss from Damien in one part of the studio to VJSusie in another. I scripted the toss so that Damien would ask "Feels good to be back in the air-conditioning, doesn't it?" and VJSusie would reply "Sure does" before going about her business.
A few seconds before air, I pointed it out to VJSusie and told her that she should only say "Sure does" if it actually answers his question, but to pay attention in case he phrases it differently. I'm sure you can guess how things played out...
Damien: "Now let's toss things over to (VJ)Susie, who's back upstairs. How's it feel to be in the air-conditioning?"
VJSusie: "Sure does, D. It's time for..."

High and Lo
For all you fans of the first season of Laguna Beach (and 'Lo' in particular), check out what she's been up to since heading to college...

Has anyone else noticed how similar R. Kelly's "Trapped in the Closet" is to the Randy Newman parody from Family Guy? Check out these sample lyrics:

Family Guy
Red headed lady, reaching for an apple.
Gonna take a bite, nope, nope.
She gonna breathe on it first, wipe it on her blouse.
She takes a bite.
Chews it once, twice, three times, four times, stops!
Saliva workin', takes a hard long look at Randy...five times.
Fat old husband walking over.
Yeah, they're walking down the road
Left foot, right foot
Left foot, right foot
Left foot...

R. Kelly
He walks in the bathroom
And looks behind the door
She says, "Baby, come back to bed"
He says, "Bitch, say no more"
He pulls back the shower curtain
While she's biting her nails
Then he walks back to the room
Right now, I'm sweating like hell
Checks under the bed
Then under the dresser
He looks at the closet
I pull out my Baretta
He walks up to the closet
He comes up to the closet
Now he's at the closet
Now he's opening the closet...

You can listen to the Family Guy song here (takes a while to load)... I won't torture you with a link to the R. Kelly song.

This British promo for Lost is amazing. It takes a long time to load, but it's worth it.

I don't know what this website is for, and I don't know what any of the Japanese characters say, but if you scroll down to the last photo, you'll see that I'm apparently internationally renowned (although not enough so to warrant my name in the caption).
Note: I also don't like that I always look like a hunchback when I hold cue cards because I have to stoop to get the cards level with the camera...

My co-worker's wife is days, or hours, or minutes away from popping out their first baby. So he's had the book What NOT to Name Your Baby lying on his desk lately. Here's the entry for yours truly:
Brian (BREYE-on) Mistaken Messiah. Around 1 BC Brian was accidentally vilified by Roman soldiers looking for a different Jew. On the positive side, your child may always look on the bright side.

Nice photo in yesterday's New York Times of Athabasca Glacier in the Canadian Rockies. Look familiar? Sure it does, because I posted a much better photo of it last week...

Things I Learned Hanging Out with Mary Carey This Weekend:
- She has fake… teeth (which she just got and which she complained look too much like her real teeth).
- In high school she won the Founder's Coucil Award for Best Dancer, which is typically based on ballet. Although if it had been based on pole-dancing, she probably would have won anyway.
- Hair that is peroxide blonde looks green under strip club blacklights.
- She has been propositioned for sex by the unnamed sleazy husband of an unnamed pop star and an unnamed rap mogul.
- Fans who pay to have their picture taken with porn stars at strip clubs are creepy. Especially ones who carry around photo albums containing every picture (which number in the dozens) ever taken with said porn star.
- When strippers do push-ups during a pole-dance routine, it is not sexy.
- I get very uncomfortable seeing men stick money between the breasts of my friends from high school.