Today I am officially closer to 30 than 20... and I don't like it one bit.

In honor of National Tell-a-Joke Day, I've decided to share the most offensive joke I've ever heard... at least as much of it as I'm comfortable posting. Here goes:
What do you say to the _____ _____?
_____ to the _____ of the _____!
(To hear that joke in its entirety, you'll have to ask me in person)
(And I do not condone the message of the joke, but I do think it's funny)

Speaking of jokes, the Comedy Central Roast of Pam Anderson had me laughing harder than I have in a very long time. Amazing sets from Greg Giraldo, Lisa Lampanelli, and Nick DiPaolo, plus good moments from Jimmy Kimmel, Adam Carolla, and Andy Dick. My favorite line of the night was "Courtney Love's career dried up faster than Sarah Silverman's ___ when she meets a guy who can't help her in the industry." Even Tommy Lee performing a song from his upcoming solo album couldn't tarnish an amazing hour-and-45-minutes of programming.
One sad note, which I just discussed with Mr. Sticking Point, was the participation of Courtney Love. On drugs, off drugs, whatever she was, she was a mess. Interrupting comics, spreading her legs, stumbling down the stairs, it was a non-stop train wreck. I couldn't stop thinking how awful it must feel for her daughter to watch her mom make such an ass out of herself. And despite Courtney's repeated claims of being clean and sober for a year, is anyone surprised that a story broke last week that she failed a drug test? As terrible a situation as this would be, there is no doubt in my mind that her daughter is better off in the care of another guardian.

This parody of A-ha's "Take On Me" video has definitely been one of the highlights of the annoyingly-inconsistent new season of Family Guy. Enjoy!

TRL Moment of the Week
Tough call between two awkward VJ interactions with fans. Here are the nominees:

1) Quddus, outside on the hot and humid streets of Times Square yesterday, pointing out to a female fan he's interviewing (and to viewers around the country) that she's "sweating through her shirt."
2) Damien, trying to add spice to a boring fan whose opinion he had solicited on the new Backstreet Boys video, telling her that she "smells like custard."

I'm gonna have to call this one a tie.

Golden Girls Greatest Hits
What an amazing album this would be... if only it were real.
They should name the follow-up "Crabby Road" (ba dum dum)

I never imagined that I would ever write the following statement, but the Backstreet Boys have made a genius video. The song is called "Just Want You To Know," and it's just as bad as the usual BSB crap. But for the video, they parodied Heavy Metal Parking Lot and basically the entire 80s hair-metal scene, and they nailed it. It's brilliant. Seriously. I'm not being sarcastic. You can check it out here.

One of my friends from high school recently posted some adorable high school photos of Mary Carey, from back when she was known simply as Mary Ellen Cook. This one is my favorite. Quite a different image, huh? Although I guess she was able to put this skill to use in her current career after all.

Worst... baby gift... EVER!!!

Jack Handey has returned with an essay in the new issue of New Yorker. It's not as funny as the majority of his Deep Thoughts, but still an entertaining read.
And while we're on the subject, I'm big on daily calendars, and the best one I ever had was a Deep Thoughts one. That was back in like 1996, and I haven't been able to find one since. Can anyone help me out? Even if it has the same entries as the '96 edition, I'd still be grateful.

TRL Moment of the Week
On Tuesday, VJSusie spent part of the show on the streets of Times Square while Damien held things down inside the studio. When she came upstairs, there was a toss from Damien in one part of the studio to VJSusie in another. I scripted the toss so that Damien would ask "Feels good to be back in the air-conditioning, doesn't it?" and VJSusie would reply "Sure does" before going about her business.
A few seconds before air, I pointed it out to VJSusie and told her that she should only say "Sure does" if it actually answers his question, but to pay attention in case he phrases it differently. I'm sure you can guess how things played out...
Damien: "Now let's toss things over to (VJ)Susie, who's back upstairs. How's it feel to be in the air-conditioning?"
VJSusie: "Sure does, D. It's time for..."

High and Lo
For all you fans of the first season of Laguna Beach (and 'Lo' in particular), check out what she's been up to since heading to college...

Has anyone else noticed how similar R. Kelly's "Trapped in the Closet" is to the Randy Newman parody from Family Guy? Check out these sample lyrics:

Family Guy
Red headed lady, reaching for an apple.
Gonna take a bite, nope, nope.
She gonna breathe on it first, wipe it on her blouse.
She takes a bite.
Chews it once, twice, three times, four times, stops!
Saliva workin', takes a hard long look at Randy...five times.
Fat old husband walking over.
Yeah, they're walking down the road
Left foot, right foot
Left foot, right foot
Left foot...

R. Kelly
He walks in the bathroom
And looks behind the door
She says, "Baby, come back to bed"
He says, "Bitch, say no more"
He pulls back the shower curtain
While she's biting her nails
Then he walks back to the room
Right now, I'm sweating like hell
Checks under the bed
Then under the dresser
He looks at the closet
I pull out my Baretta
He walks up to the closet
He comes up to the closet
Now he's at the closet
Now he's opening the closet...

You can listen to the Family Guy song here (takes a while to load)... I won't torture you with a link to the R. Kelly song.

This British promo for Lost is amazing. It takes a long time to load, but it's worth it.

I don't know what this website is for, and I don't know what any of the Japanese characters say, but if you scroll down to the last photo, you'll see that I'm apparently internationally renowned (although not enough so to warrant my name in the caption).
Note: I also don't like that I always look like a hunchback when I hold cue cards because I have to stoop to get the cards level with the camera...

My co-worker's wife is days, or hours, or minutes away from popping out their first baby. So he's had the book What NOT to Name Your Baby lying on his desk lately. Here's the entry for yours truly:
Brian (BREYE-on) Mistaken Messiah. Around 1 BC Brian was accidentally vilified by Roman soldiers looking for a different Jew. On the positive side, your child may always look on the bright side.

Nice photo in yesterday's New York Times of Athabasca Glacier in the Canadian Rockies. Look familiar? Sure it does, because I posted a much better photo of it last week...

Things I Learned Hanging Out with Mary Carey This Weekend:
- She has fake… teeth (which she just got and which she complained look too much like her real teeth).
- In high school she won the Founder's Coucil Award for Best Dancer, which is typically based on ballet. Although if it had been based on pole-dancing, she probably would have won anyway.
- Hair that is peroxide blonde looks green under strip club blacklights.
- She has been propositioned for sex by the unnamed sleazy husband of an unnamed pop star and an unnamed rap mogul.
- Fans who pay to have their picture taken with porn stars at strip clubs are creepy. Especially ones who carry around photo albums containing every picture (which number in the dozens) ever taken with said porn star.
- When strippers do push-ups during a pole-dance routine, it is not sexy.
- I get very uncomfortable seeing men stick money between the breasts of my friends from high school.

I recently received an upsetting e-mail from my friend who is stationed in Iraq. I know I said I would post all correspondence from him, but he's been on leave for a while and therefore not writing much of interest. But now he writes this, which does not please me:

Hiya Gang!
It's me again and I'm back in Iraq...again. Coming off two weeks R&R, I find myself in a new city, with new missions, and a brand new base. Camp C____ is bigger than S____, but in disrepair too. We don't have latrines yet, so we piss in tubes and do our business in buckets. Then, every week, one of our guys rotates out for the bucket burning detail. Not only is it hot as Hades, but you come back smelling like a herd of elephants decided to defecate on you. Speaking of hot, it's running an average of 120-125 back here, but compared to Kuwait (where I spent a couple days coming off leave) this is nothing. It was 100 at 1am, climbing to around 140 in the afternoon.
Travel back to base was interesting. I spent an extra day in Bangkok because my flight was cancelled. At immigration, they confiscated our passports and handed us plastic boarding passes with baggage claim tickets attached. Talk about not wanting to miss the flight! Unfortunately, all I saw of Thailand was the inside of a hotel and some temples as we drove past, but i did buy some Muay Tai Boxing shorts that look kickass. I then spent four more hot, dusty days getting back here two days ago. SInce then, I've been learning my way about base.
As to the area, Ramadi is the place to be. In the two weeks I've been gone, our snipers have accounted for 7 confirmed kills and 13 probables. However, also in that time, our battalion has lost one guy (a translator), another lost his legs, and have sustained 3-4 returnable injuries. The folks around here hate the US big time! What I've heard is that this city used to be one of Saddam's privileged gems. So, when the Marines came in, shooting up anything and everything (this city took a pounding), the population, which already had cause to resent us, turned on us completely. We get mortared here every other day and have had several RPG attacks hit areas around camp (included where I'm typing this very email). BUt that said, I'd much rather be here than back at S____. At least here we are contributing and get a chance to fight back. I think the insurgents were a bit surprised to find out that, unlike the previous unit, we'll stay out for 2-3 days hunting them. No place is safe for them anymore.
So, that's about it. I'm starting to get into the swing of things and can't wait to get out on some mission (which start for me very soon). Baby wipes are big again because our showers only run for four hours a day and we have something called "moon dust" here that's everywhere and is sometimes 5-6 inches deep. Also, snacks are appreciated because dining isn't set up yet. I'm very happy, focused, and ready to return to action. Only 5 more months to go...that's nothing. Let's hope those five months pass by quickly!! All my love and take care....
Rocking out,
K

It's great that he maintains such a positive attitude, but his descriptions of his living conditions and the news of casualties is so disheartening. Can't wait for these 5 months to pass and for his safe return to the U.S.

Canadian Rockies Vacation Photos
Sorry they're long overdue. Also sorry that there aren't people in any of them (I've been accused of scanning postcards and not having actually gone on vacation)... but I know what I look like... why ruin the scenery by putting myself in the shots?


Looking over Lake Louise towards the Plain of Six Glaciers. It took me several hours and quite a sunburn to reach there.


View of Fairmont Chateau (an excessively expensive hotel) from the other side of Lake Louise. Just before my climb to the PoSG.


Finally at the PoSG. My skin is scorched by the time I reach here. Only I would get the worst sunburn of my life in the Canadian Rockies of all places.


Elk. Cute elk.


It's even beautiful when it's cold and cloudy (which fortunately was rare).


Peyto Lake. Big and blue and beautiful.


Valley of the Five Lakes. One of my friends likes this picture so much, he's gonna blow up a version of it and hang it in his apartment. I'm honored. And I like it too.


Sunwupta Falls. So cool the way the water surrounds the trees.


Deer. Also cute. Too bad it refused to turn around and pose for a photo.


Boom Lake. This is my favorite pic. The water is like a giant mirror.


The outskirts of Jasper. The town looks like it's filled with Mom & Pop stores that are actually fast food restaurants and "I Love Jasper" keychain vendors. Too touristy for my taste.


Athabasca Glacier off of Icefield Parkway. You can actually climb onto (and fall to your death in, as many of the danger signs warn). Fortunately I survived.

He's a Family Guy
My co-worker thinks this is genius... and I agree.