Some of these are fall-out-of-your-chair funny (particularly Tony Danza and Flat Tire). But I wonder how many of the people who have posted have actually ever had any kind of sex at all?

Smackfest 2004 was awesome... Day 3 in particular... those women are scary!

818-633-9638
I won't say who's number that is, but feel free to call and find out for yourself.

It's hardly surprising that the American version of The Office will be shitty, but this news is depressing nonetheless.

The new issue of Time Out New York (with the 2004 Eat Out Awards) has an article about how the salary demands by the cast members of The Simpsons may be a good thing, because it could put the show out of its misery. I couldn't agree more. This article matches my opinion of the show so perfectly, it could've been written by me. The quality of the show has sunk to levels I never imagined possible. The classic episodes still handle the test of time, but the overall legacy of the show has been badly tarnished by the past 5 or so years. It's definitely time to pack it in.
Sadly, TONY's website is too cheap to post the article, but it's on page 169, so go out and buy a copy (or go to one of those newsstands and read it without buying it... not that I condone such behavior).

(Beware spoilers in this post!)
I'm pretty bummed at 24. Obviously a show like that has to take certain liberties with what's realistic. But last night's episode had perhaps the biggest cop-out in the show's history. Michelle, the CTU agent stuck inside the hotel where the virus had been released, tested negative. The virus infects almost 100% of the population, yet this major character avoids it. And why? So that 20 minutes later she can be kidnapped by the terrorist so that he can make an escape and have the show leave us with another cliffhanger. Probably the worst non-Kim-related moment in the show's 3 years (the overall worst moment is Kim getting caught in the cougar trap, but that's a whole 'nother story...).

And the reviews are in. Thumbs down for P. Diddy on Broadway. Hurrah!

Sad news about the death of Hubert Selby Jr. He was an excellent author, writing books including Requiem for a Dream, which was adapted into one of my Top 10 Favorite Movies of All Time (I'll have to do a post on that at some point). He will be missed.

On the subway yesterday coming home from work, I had the pleasure of sharing a train with the "Subterranean Comedian." And what a pleasure it was! He treated my fellow riders and me to such gems as:
"I told my wife to take the 2 train... so she took the 1 train twice!" (ba dum dum)
"My wife went to a movie, and the sign said 'Under 17 not admitted.' So she rounded up 16 strangers to go with her!" (ba dum dum)
"Now please donate to the cause... 'cause I need the money!" (ba dum dum)
Shockingly, nobody gave him any money.

Went to an Einstuzende Neubauten concert at Irving Plaza with Tommy Sticking Point on Saturday night... I'd never heard of, let alone heard, them before... but Tommy said they were a cool German band from the 80s, so I figured they'd be like Kraftwerk and I'd enjoy it. I should've been clued in that in fact they are not like Kraftwerk when I arrived to a sea of pseudo-Goth-punk NYU students waiting to get in. I also expected them to dress like Falco (dunno why... he's not even German), but they all came out dressed in trendy, head-to-toe black outfits. The lead singer looked like Steve Buscemi with longer hair, the bass player like Tom Savini (the before photo) in a halter top, the drummer like a black-haired cross between the drummer from Crowded House and the lead singer of Flock of Seagulls, the random percussionist like the love child of Clint Howard and Robert Benigni, and fairly normal-looking guitarist and keyboardist. One of the interesting aspects of their music is that they utilize power tools, metal objects, and construction materials in their percussion and rhythm sections... kind of like Blue Man Group, but not really. I really liked the first 8 or so songs, but then the concert really started dragging. There is definitely a threshold for how much of that you can listen to at once, especially for a first-timer, and they exceeded it by almost an hour. It didn't help that there was a lot of time spent between songs badmouthing Clear Channel (which isn't such a bad thing, but spread the show too thin). I'm not sure I'll ever buy one of their CD's, and I doubt I would see one of their concerts again, but I thank Tommy for expanding my musical horizons.
P.S. If the blonde-haired, pink-shirted girl from the show who kept following me around is reading, please leave me alone... you were kinda creeping me out!

My dad's reaction after my mom asked me about Lindsay Lohan's monster breasts and me assuring them that she's only 17: "I'd like to see her birth certificate."

If there was a way to take my own personal hell and package it into a 2-CD set, this (or any other in the Ultra Dance / Ultra Trance series... this is simply the most recent) would be it...

In this article, P. Diddy (screw the fact that he wants to be called Sean Combs now... he started the whole stupid nickname thing to begin with), while arguing that he's not an acting rookie, states "I wouldn't be calling LeBron James no rookie. Try that, he'll hit 50 points off that a—— of yours."
Yeah, now I can see why LeBron was so pissed off about winning this year's Rookie of the Year award... oh wait...

I thought I was the only white guy that black people loved, but according to this site, I'm wrong.

More fun with videos...

1) Cheaters never prosper (thanks to Lindsayism for that).
2) Who says domestic abuse isn't funny? Certainly not this ad... or this one...
3) Our tax dollars at work (this one is more disturbing than fun).

Kirk Cameron really has lost his sense of "funny"... and this quiz makes me feel like shit (don't skip the intro).

Random plug for my friend Jonny's student film, Gay by Dawn... it's showing at the DGA Theater on May 4.

Comedy Central keeps showing commercials for these Chaser anti-hangover pills. I'm very curious to try one. The only problem is that a normal dose only works for 4-6 drinks, which isn't enough alcohol to cause me a hangover. Anyone used one of these things before?

So in last night's episode of 24, wunder-idiot Kim was given a field-op assignment, much to Jack's chagrin. He tried his best to talk his superior out of letting her do it (to protect her, not because he didn't think she could do it), but he was overruled. If I were Jack, I would have simply said, "You want to put the security of our country in the hands of my daughter, who a couple years ago got caught in a cougar trap?!?"... I think that would've done the trick.

This may be the most bizarre car commercial ever made... even more so than Joe Isuzu...

I thought Sheryl Crow's career could never get any lower than when she performed in the backyard of the Big Brother 3 house... but today I stand corrected.

Apparently Prince didn't like Jersey Girl. Well, obviously... anyone who sees it won't like it. But I do like Prince's reasoning.

Anyone up for some old-school arcade games, Freaks & Geeks style?

Michael Madsen's website has a section in which he gives 1-2 sentence reviews of all his movies... he's brutally honest about all the shit films he's been in... pretty funny.

My friend sent me this link... hope my old high school buddy Mary Carey is okay!

Some thoughts on last night's Apprentice finale...
- Did anyone else notice that during one of Heidi's confessionals (it looked like it took place in a gazebo), there was a couple frolicking on the grass behind her? Fucking hilarious.
- Best moment: Jessica Simpson giving Kwame advice about staying calm under pressure, that things will always work out. Sure they will Jessica, when you have people doing them for you... but you can't even operate a vacuum, so keep your thoughts about business management to yourself.
- It was cool when they pulled away the walls of the boardroom to reveal the audience, but the rest of the live portion was so awkward. Bill has one of the goofiest smiles I've ever seen... Trump can't read off a prompter... the question and answer with the former contestants was bizarre, especially when he asked Tammy a question about her pregnancy and then didn't let her answer... Sam unsuccessfully trying to bribe Trump to offer him a job (nice that Sam is able to fill a briefcase with $250,000 in cash... I could never do that... does that make Sam cooler than me?)...
- Ereka and Omarosa were forced to sit next to each other, and Trump even brought up the fact that Omarosa accused Ereka of calling her the "N" word, but the worst that happened was that Ereka called Omarosa a liar... where was the catfight?

They just started carrying chocolate Chipwiches in the MTV cafeteria... this may be the best thing to happen here since I started interning 5 years ago!

Velvet Revolver's mini-tour is set... you can bet where I'll be the night of May 26!

I don't see what the problem is... this guy was probably just demonstrating a proper swing.

Johnny Knoxville is a fan of Kids of Widney High too. Doesn't surprise me at all... although I am a bit surprised how much overlap Johnny and I have on other albums.

The news about the death of "Weird Al" Yankovic's parents is sad, and this press release he wrote is even sadder. But that won't stop me from relaying some great jokes Tommy "Sticking Point" e-mailed me about the incident...
"Weird Al" Yankovic’s elderly parents were found dead in their home last weekend, apparently victims of carbon monoxide poisoning. An understandably distraught Yankovic told reporters, “There’s no song I could change the words to to relate the sadness I feel.”
"Weird Al" Yankovic’s elderly parents were found dead in their home last weekend, apparently victims of carbon monoxide poisoning. A distraught Yankovic is expected to respond with a hilarious new version of the Police’s “Every Breath You Take” later this month.
"Weird Al" Yankovic’s elderly parents were found dead in their home last weekend, apparently victims of carbon monoxide poisoning. An understandably distraught Yankovic told reporters, “This is horrible. The only thing that rhymes with ‘monoxide’ is ‘peroxide’. What’s that?! I got nothing.”
The last one is my favorite, but they're all gold.

I saw Ladykillers over the weekend. I've been a big Coen brothers fan for years (and still think Fargo got robbed of Best Picture... English Patient? Come on...), but given the mixed reviews the film has received, I didn't go in with very high expectations. And it's alright... some funny moments, good performance by Tom Hanks, nothing too memorable. What I do appreciate is the fact that the Coens still attempt to make such unique movies in the age of formulas. One of the trailers before Ladykillers was for White Chicks, an updated and reversed Soul Man in which 2 Wayans brothers (not Damon and not Keenan) dress up as missing white female socialites and none of their socialites' friends notice that they are black men in drag except for occasional comments such as "Don't they seem a little different?"... the trailer didn't get a single laugh and looks horribly offensive and cliched. With movies like this being made, I'll watch a moderately disappointing Ladykillers anyday.

Killer quote from the Daily News' review of Britney's tour at the Meadowlands:
The few times she sang flagrantly live, Spears navigated the notes like a person trying to drive a car after downing an entire bottle of Scotch.

Scott Weiland has been cleared to tour. Sweet! I must get tickets to see them when they come to NY... who's with me?

Maybe I should send an e-mail linking to this blog to remind the 40-year-old me how lame the 24-year-old me was.

Ah, those crazy Japanese... this thing makes no sense at all!

Well well well, it seems Mr. Raskin, whose book I so highly praised, is a fan of my blog. The proper grammer and lack of insults in the comment leads to believe one of my friends is playing a joke. If so, bravo... I laughed my ass off. If it's true, I'll be on the lookout for him outside the building... he should be easy to spot, since the photo on the book jacket looks just like Gerardo of "Rico Suave" fame.
P.S. I also wonder if he had run-ins with this reviewer? Or this one?

Couple tidbits I picked up today:
- Jessica Simpson said her seventh-grade teacher asked about continents and she answered: "A, E, I, O, U." She's since learned they're not continents. Not even consonants.
- The student newspaper at the University of Nebraska at Omaha apologized Friday for its April Fools’ section, which school officials said demeaned African-Americans. The paper, the Gateway, had a wraparound edition titled the Ghettoway, with headlines pen names for writers like Mindjo Bidness and Ono Udidn.

For some reason a few months ago, tons of copies of the book "Little New York Bastard" by M. Dylan Raskin ("MDR" to friends) showed up scattered around the MTV building. I took a copy home and promptly forgot about it. Over the weekend I finally cracked it open, and I must say that it is the WORST book I have ever read. It escapes me how this book was ever published. It's nothing but a collection of cliches, whining, and pretentiousness (kind of like this blog). Here's a sample:
"I was looking at her like she was completely out of her head. She used the words like and whatever as if they were going out of style..." (pg. 20)
Original, huh? The whole book is like that (at least until the middle of chapter 3, which is where I gave up). I'm calling for a boycott of this book. Do not... I repeat, DO NOT buy / read / recommend this book!

I was hoping that this was a cruel, delayed April Fool's joke, especially when I read this part:
"Don't be fooled by the rocks. Mama Guadalupe, she's still the Mama From the Block," quipped the pal. But I don't think it is. How does shit like this happen? And I hate how she credits divine intervention... "Our Lady really looks out for me." She's so full of herself. Damn that entire family.

By the way, Happy 10th Anniversary of Kurt Cobain's death! I was in 9th grade when it happened, and the next day my English teacher started class with this joke:
"What does Kurt Cobain use to collect his thoughts? A Squeegee!"
Brilliant, Mr. Harrington. Brilliant.

Today was the due date for the latest installment of the mix project with Tommy Sticking Point... topic: Songs with Animals in Their Titles. Here's my track list, with assorted liner notes:

1. Hungry Like the Wolf – Duran Duran: Let’s get the most obvious selection out of the way first...
2. Diamond Dogs - Beck: Not as good as the remake, but I can’t put Bowie on every one of these mixes… or can I?
3. Mockingbird Girl – Scott Weiland
4. The Eagle Will Rise Again – Alan Parsons Project
5. Dog & Butterfly (acoustic) - Heart: I was gonna put “Barracuda” on here, then remembered this song and decided to go less mainstream.
6. Cows with Guns - Dana Lyons: Buzz 103.1 (West Palm Beach’s alternative station) used to play this on the Morning Buzz when I was a junior in high school. I have no idea why, and I’ve never heard it played anywhere else since, but I downloaded it from Napster when I was in college and held onto it. It comes in handy here. The lyrics are really cheesy but kinda clever.
7. Danger Bird – Neil Young: He played this at the concert I went to a couple weeks ago and inspired me to put it on the mix.
8. Fever Dog - Stillwater: A fictional song from a fictional band in a fictional movie (based on true events), yet I bet if you played this for someone who had no idea, they would believe it was a real 70’s song. I have no idea who actually sings it.
9. Buffalo Stance – Neneh Cherry: My sister was obsessed with this song when we were kids, and I was obsessed with the video, a precursor to the more-famous “Groove is in the Heart.”
10. Insects – The Kids of Widney High: Yes, I’m a bastard for liking this music because it cracks me up. But I can’t help it. Just listen to the lyrics and to the singer’s passion during the bridge.
11. Froggie – Presidents of the United States of America: Shortly after this album was released, there was an article in the Sun Sentinel (my local paper) talking about artists’ sophomore slumps and how this album had only sold a fraction of the first one. I remember getting upset that the article failed to mention that the album had been out only one week. It ended up not selling much more, and PUSA faded into obscurity. Thanks, Sun Sentinel.
12. Howard the Duck – The Bangles: The movie was awful. The theme song includes the line “Hickory, dickory, duck.” How could I not put it on here?
13. Surfin’ Bird – The Trashmen: My mom had a Dr. Demento tape with this song and used to play it to amuse me in the car when I was younger. I guess it worked.
14. Dark Horse – George Harrison
15. Sheep Go to Heaven - Cake: Another example of a band that I generally think is awful that puts out one good song (see also Counting Crows, Harvey Danger).
16. Atomic Dog – George Clinton: This song made Snoop Dogg’s career.
17. Brass Monkey – Beastie Boys: Supposedly they refuse to sing this one in concert now because it degrades women. I still like the Beastie Boys, but they used to be much more fun.
18. Of Wolf and Man – Metallica (w/ San Francisco Orchestra)

GnR's Greatest Hits entered the Billboard chart at #3 this week. Congrats to them. The success of that album, coupled with the press release Axl issued after cancelling their Rock in Rio appearance, leads me to believe that maybe, just maybe, Chinese Democracy will be released. Interesting that the 2 most famous unreleased albums of all time (that and Smile) will probably both be released this year. Which one will come out first? My money is on Smile. Come on, Brian and Axl, don't let me down.