Guess I'll finally be watching an episode of Duck Dodgers...

Chalk up another win for the Yankees... take that, Spider-man 2 and Bud Selig!

Fairly disappointed in the Friends series finale. Aside from the utter lack of humor (which has plagued the show all season), it was sappy, predictable, unrealistic, and tried to tie up too many ends. Given the nosedive the show has taken over the past few years, I'm glad it was finally put to rest. Simpsons, take note. Oh, and anyone who DVRed the show and tried to watch it later got screwed out of the last 5 minutes unless they happened to record ER as well. Way to go NBC, which always refuses to start and end its popular programs on the hour / half hour.

On to better television... Hulk Hogan (and his 24-inch "pythons") hosts Classic Jukebox May 16 at 8pm on VH1 Classic. You can bet I'll be watching.

Haters may call the Yankees the "Evil Empire" and curse the way they throw money at players, but even the most jaded have to applaud the Yankees refusal to put ads for Spider-Man 2 on the bases in Yankee Stadium, one of the worst ideas MLB has ever implemented. Well, to give full disclosure, they'll do it during batting practice and for one game, but I still give them credit.

The Olsen twins are on TRL today, and I pushed so hard to do a parody of The Shining for our cold open, but unfortunatley all the ignorant TRL viewers have probably never heard of, let alone seen, The Shining. Therefore, my blog will become the final resting place for this idea:
The Shining Cold Open
Damien rides through the studio hallways on a tricycle, with the camera following behind him. As he rounds a corner, he sees the Olsen twins standing hand in hand.
Olsens (in unison): Hello Damien. Come and play with us. Come and play with us, Damien. Forever... and ever... and ever!
Damien (turning to the camera): Awesome! TRL starts now.

Some people have way too much money.

I miss high school...

There's an article in the Daily News today about the cast of SNL cracking up in a sketch during this weekend's show. The author claims that cast members laughing rarely happens on SNL. What the hell show has he been watching? Jimmy Fallon cracks up during every sketch he's in... and, surprise surprise, he's the one who started Saturday night's fiasco. The producers should start keeping a running tally during each show, and then at the end beat Fallon with a paddle for each time he laughs. He'll be a human Pavlov's dog. Maybe that'll teach him.

Well, the Simpsons strike has been settled... apparently Fox called the actors' bluff and threatened to shut down production. No numbers have been released, but word is they got slight raises and no percentage of profits. Or, as Joey Tribbiani would say, they folded "like a cheap hooker who got hit in the stomach by a fat guy with sores on his face."

The sports section in today's New York Times had an article about Met Jose Reyes' latest setback in the recovery from his hamstring injury. In the article, his trainer says that Reyes "is kicking himself" over the slow recovery time. If he is kicking himself, it's no wonder it's not healing correctly...

Some of these are fall-out-of-your-chair funny (particularly Tony Danza and Flat Tire). But I wonder how many of the people who have posted have actually ever had any kind of sex at all?

Smackfest 2004 was awesome... Day 3 in particular... those women are scary!

818-633-9638
I won't say who's number that is, but feel free to call and find out for yourself.

It's hardly surprising that the American version of The Office will be shitty, but this news is depressing nonetheless.

The new issue of Time Out New York (with the 2004 Eat Out Awards) has an article about how the salary demands by the cast members of The Simpsons may be a good thing, because it could put the show out of its misery. I couldn't agree more. This article matches my opinion of the show so perfectly, it could've been written by me. The quality of the show has sunk to levels I never imagined possible. The classic episodes still handle the test of time, but the overall legacy of the show has been badly tarnished by the past 5 or so years. It's definitely time to pack it in.
Sadly, TONY's website is too cheap to post the article, but it's on page 169, so go out and buy a copy (or go to one of those newsstands and read it without buying it... not that I condone such behavior).

(Beware spoilers in this post!)
I'm pretty bummed at 24. Obviously a show like that has to take certain liberties with what's realistic. But last night's episode had perhaps the biggest cop-out in the show's history. Michelle, the CTU agent stuck inside the hotel where the virus had been released, tested negative. The virus infects almost 100% of the population, yet this major character avoids it. And why? So that 20 minutes later she can be kidnapped by the terrorist so that he can make an escape and have the show leave us with another cliffhanger. Probably the worst non-Kim-related moment in the show's 3 years (the overall worst moment is Kim getting caught in the cougar trap, but that's a whole 'nother story...).

And the reviews are in. Thumbs down for P. Diddy on Broadway. Hurrah!

Sad news about the death of Hubert Selby Jr. He was an excellent author, writing books including Requiem for a Dream, which was adapted into one of my Top 10 Favorite Movies of All Time (I'll have to do a post on that at some point). He will be missed.

On the subway yesterday coming home from work, I had the pleasure of sharing a train with the "Subterranean Comedian." And what a pleasure it was! He treated my fellow riders and me to such gems as:
"I told my wife to take the 2 train... so she took the 1 train twice!" (ba dum dum)
"My wife went to a movie, and the sign said 'Under 17 not admitted.' So she rounded up 16 strangers to go with her!" (ba dum dum)
"Now please donate to the cause... 'cause I need the money!" (ba dum dum)
Shockingly, nobody gave him any money.

Went to an Einstuzende Neubauten concert at Irving Plaza with Tommy Sticking Point on Saturday night... I'd never heard of, let alone heard, them before... but Tommy said they were a cool German band from the 80s, so I figured they'd be like Kraftwerk and I'd enjoy it. I should've been clued in that in fact they are not like Kraftwerk when I arrived to a sea of pseudo-Goth-punk NYU students waiting to get in. I also expected them to dress like Falco (dunno why... he's not even German), but they all came out dressed in trendy, head-to-toe black outfits. The lead singer looked like Steve Buscemi with longer hair, the bass player like Tom Savini (the before photo) in a halter top, the drummer like a black-haired cross between the drummer from Crowded House and the lead singer of Flock of Seagulls, the random percussionist like the love child of Clint Howard and Robert Benigni, and fairly normal-looking guitarist and keyboardist. One of the interesting aspects of their music is that they utilize power tools, metal objects, and construction materials in their percussion and rhythm sections... kind of like Blue Man Group, but not really. I really liked the first 8 or so songs, but then the concert really started dragging. There is definitely a threshold for how much of that you can listen to at once, especially for a first-timer, and they exceeded it by almost an hour. It didn't help that there was a lot of time spent between songs badmouthing Clear Channel (which isn't such a bad thing, but spread the show too thin). I'm not sure I'll ever buy one of their CD's, and I doubt I would see one of their concerts again, but I thank Tommy for expanding my musical horizons.
P.S. If the blonde-haired, pink-shirted girl from the show who kept following me around is reading, please leave me alone... you were kinda creeping me out!

My dad's reaction after my mom asked me about Lindsay Lohan's monster breasts and me assuring them that she's only 17: "I'd like to see her birth certificate."

If there was a way to take my own personal hell and package it into a 2-CD set, this (or any other in the Ultra Dance / Ultra Trance series... this is simply the most recent) would be it...

In this article, P. Diddy (screw the fact that he wants to be called Sean Combs now... he started the whole stupid nickname thing to begin with), while arguing that he's not an acting rookie, states "I wouldn't be calling LeBron James no rookie. Try that, he'll hit 50 points off that a—— of yours."
Yeah, now I can see why LeBron was so pissed off about winning this year's Rookie of the Year award... oh wait...

I thought I was the only white guy that black people loved, but according to this site, I'm wrong.

More fun with videos...

1) Cheaters never prosper (thanks to Lindsayism for that).
2) Who says domestic abuse isn't funny? Certainly not this ad... or this one...
3) Our tax dollars at work (this one is more disturbing than fun).

Kirk Cameron really has lost his sense of "funny"... and this quiz makes me feel like shit (don't skip the intro).

Random plug for my friend Jonny's student film, Gay by Dawn... it's showing at the DGA Theater on May 4.

Comedy Central keeps showing commercials for these Chaser anti-hangover pills. I'm very curious to try one. The only problem is that a normal dose only works for 4-6 drinks, which isn't enough alcohol to cause me a hangover. Anyone used one of these things before?

So in last night's episode of 24, wunder-idiot Kim was given a field-op assignment, much to Jack's chagrin. He tried his best to talk his superior out of letting her do it (to protect her, not because he didn't think she could do it), but he was overruled. If I were Jack, I would have simply said, "You want to put the security of our country in the hands of my daughter, who a couple years ago got caught in a cougar trap?!?"... I think that would've done the trick.

This may be the most bizarre car commercial ever made... even more so than Joe Isuzu...

I thought Sheryl Crow's career could never get any lower than when she performed in the backyard of the Big Brother 3 house... but today I stand corrected.

Apparently Prince didn't like Jersey Girl. Well, obviously... anyone who sees it won't like it. But I do like Prince's reasoning.

Anyone up for some old-school arcade games, Freaks & Geeks style?

Michael Madsen's website has a section in which he gives 1-2 sentence reviews of all his movies... he's brutally honest about all the shit films he's been in... pretty funny.

My friend sent me this link... hope my old high school buddy Mary Carey is okay!

Some thoughts on last night's Apprentice finale...
- Did anyone else notice that during one of Heidi's confessionals (it looked like it took place in a gazebo), there was a couple frolicking on the grass behind her? Fucking hilarious.
- Best moment: Jessica Simpson giving Kwame advice about staying calm under pressure, that things will always work out. Sure they will Jessica, when you have people doing them for you... but you can't even operate a vacuum, so keep your thoughts about business management to yourself.
- It was cool when they pulled away the walls of the boardroom to reveal the audience, but the rest of the live portion was so awkward. Bill has one of the goofiest smiles I've ever seen... Trump can't read off a prompter... the question and answer with the former contestants was bizarre, especially when he asked Tammy a question about her pregnancy and then didn't let her answer... Sam unsuccessfully trying to bribe Trump to offer him a job (nice that Sam is able to fill a briefcase with $250,000 in cash... I could never do that... does that make Sam cooler than me?)...
- Ereka and Omarosa were forced to sit next to each other, and Trump even brought up the fact that Omarosa accused Ereka of calling her the "N" word, but the worst that happened was that Ereka called Omarosa a liar... where was the catfight?

They just started carrying chocolate Chipwiches in the MTV cafeteria... this may be the best thing to happen here since I started interning 5 years ago!

Velvet Revolver's mini-tour is set... you can bet where I'll be the night of May 26!

I don't see what the problem is... this guy was probably just demonstrating a proper swing.

Johnny Knoxville is a fan of Kids of Widney High too. Doesn't surprise me at all... although I am a bit surprised how much overlap Johnny and I have on other albums.

The news about the death of "Weird Al" Yankovic's parents is sad, and this press release he wrote is even sadder. But that won't stop me from relaying some great jokes Tommy "Sticking Point" e-mailed me about the incident...
"Weird Al" Yankovic’s elderly parents were found dead in their home last weekend, apparently victims of carbon monoxide poisoning. An understandably distraught Yankovic told reporters, “There’s no song I could change the words to to relate the sadness I feel.”
"Weird Al" Yankovic’s elderly parents were found dead in their home last weekend, apparently victims of carbon monoxide poisoning. A distraught Yankovic is expected to respond with a hilarious new version of the Police’s “Every Breath You Take” later this month.
"Weird Al" Yankovic’s elderly parents were found dead in their home last weekend, apparently victims of carbon monoxide poisoning. An understandably distraught Yankovic told reporters, “This is horrible. The only thing that rhymes with ‘monoxide’ is ‘peroxide’. What’s that?! I got nothing.”
The last one is my favorite, but they're all gold.

I saw Ladykillers over the weekend. I've been a big Coen brothers fan for years (and still think Fargo got robbed of Best Picture... English Patient? Come on...), but given the mixed reviews the film has received, I didn't go in with very high expectations. And it's alright... some funny moments, good performance by Tom Hanks, nothing too memorable. What I do appreciate is the fact that the Coens still attempt to make such unique movies in the age of formulas. One of the trailers before Ladykillers was for White Chicks, an updated and reversed Soul Man in which 2 Wayans brothers (not Damon and not Keenan) dress up as missing white female socialites and none of their socialites' friends notice that they are black men in drag except for occasional comments such as "Don't they seem a little different?"... the trailer didn't get a single laugh and looks horribly offensive and cliched. With movies like this being made, I'll watch a moderately disappointing Ladykillers anyday.

Killer quote from the Daily News' review of Britney's tour at the Meadowlands:
The few times she sang flagrantly live, Spears navigated the notes like a person trying to drive a car after downing an entire bottle of Scotch.

Scott Weiland has been cleared to tour. Sweet! I must get tickets to see them when they come to NY... who's with me?

Maybe I should send an e-mail linking to this blog to remind the 40-year-old me how lame the 24-year-old me was.

Ah, those crazy Japanese... this thing makes no sense at all!

Well well well, it seems Mr. Raskin, whose book I so highly praised, is a fan of my blog. The proper grammer and lack of insults in the comment leads to believe one of my friends is playing a joke. If so, bravo... I laughed my ass off. If it's true, I'll be on the lookout for him outside the building... he should be easy to spot, since the photo on the book jacket looks just like Gerardo of "Rico Suave" fame.
P.S. I also wonder if he had run-ins with this reviewer? Or this one?

Couple tidbits I picked up today:
- Jessica Simpson said her seventh-grade teacher asked about continents and she answered: "A, E, I, O, U." She's since learned they're not continents. Not even consonants.
- The student newspaper at the University of Nebraska at Omaha apologized Friday for its April Fools’ section, which school officials said demeaned African-Americans. The paper, the Gateway, had a wraparound edition titled the Ghettoway, with headlines pen names for writers like Mindjo Bidness and Ono Udidn.

For some reason a few months ago, tons of copies of the book "Little New York Bastard" by M. Dylan Raskin ("MDR" to friends) showed up scattered around the MTV building. I took a copy home and promptly forgot about it. Over the weekend I finally cracked it open, and I must say that it is the WORST book I have ever read. It escapes me how this book was ever published. It's nothing but a collection of cliches, whining, and pretentiousness (kind of like this blog). Here's a sample:
"I was looking at her like she was completely out of her head. She used the words like and whatever as if they were going out of style..." (pg. 20)
Original, huh? The whole book is like that (at least until the middle of chapter 3, which is where I gave up). I'm calling for a boycott of this book. Do not... I repeat, DO NOT buy / read / recommend this book!

I was hoping that this was a cruel, delayed April Fool's joke, especially when I read this part:
"Don't be fooled by the rocks. Mama Guadalupe, she's still the Mama From the Block," quipped the pal. But I don't think it is. How does shit like this happen? And I hate how she credits divine intervention... "Our Lady really looks out for me." She's so full of herself. Damn that entire family.

By the way, Happy 10th Anniversary of Kurt Cobain's death! I was in 9th grade when it happened, and the next day my English teacher started class with this joke:
"What does Kurt Cobain use to collect his thoughts? A Squeegee!"
Brilliant, Mr. Harrington. Brilliant.

Today was the due date for the latest installment of the mix project with Tommy Sticking Point... topic: Songs with Animals in Their Titles. Here's my track list, with assorted liner notes:

1. Hungry Like the Wolf – Duran Duran: Let’s get the most obvious selection out of the way first...
2. Diamond Dogs - Beck: Not as good as the remake, but I can’t put Bowie on every one of these mixes… or can I?
3. Mockingbird Girl – Scott Weiland
4. The Eagle Will Rise Again – Alan Parsons Project
5. Dog & Butterfly (acoustic) - Heart: I was gonna put “Barracuda” on here, then remembered this song and decided to go less mainstream.
6. Cows with Guns - Dana Lyons: Buzz 103.1 (West Palm Beach’s alternative station) used to play this on the Morning Buzz when I was a junior in high school. I have no idea why, and I’ve never heard it played anywhere else since, but I downloaded it from Napster when I was in college and held onto it. It comes in handy here. The lyrics are really cheesy but kinda clever.
7. Danger Bird – Neil Young: He played this at the concert I went to a couple weeks ago and inspired me to put it on the mix.
8. Fever Dog - Stillwater: A fictional song from a fictional band in a fictional movie (based on true events), yet I bet if you played this for someone who had no idea, they would believe it was a real 70’s song. I have no idea who actually sings it.
9. Buffalo Stance – Neneh Cherry: My sister was obsessed with this song when we were kids, and I was obsessed with the video, a precursor to the more-famous “Groove is in the Heart.”
10. Insects – The Kids of Widney High: Yes, I’m a bastard for liking this music because it cracks me up. But I can’t help it. Just listen to the lyrics and to the singer’s passion during the bridge.
11. Froggie – Presidents of the United States of America: Shortly after this album was released, there was an article in the Sun Sentinel (my local paper) talking about artists’ sophomore slumps and how this album had only sold a fraction of the first one. I remember getting upset that the article failed to mention that the album had been out only one week. It ended up not selling much more, and PUSA faded into obscurity. Thanks, Sun Sentinel.
12. Howard the Duck – The Bangles: The movie was awful. The theme song includes the line “Hickory, dickory, duck.” How could I not put it on here?
13. Surfin’ Bird – The Trashmen: My mom had a Dr. Demento tape with this song and used to play it to amuse me in the car when I was younger. I guess it worked.
14. Dark Horse – George Harrison
15. Sheep Go to Heaven - Cake: Another example of a band that I generally think is awful that puts out one good song (see also Counting Crows, Harvey Danger).
16. Atomic Dog – George Clinton: This song made Snoop Dogg’s career.
17. Brass Monkey – Beastie Boys: Supposedly they refuse to sing this one in concert now because it degrades women. I still like the Beastie Boys, but they used to be much more fun.
18. Of Wolf and Man – Metallica (w/ San Francisco Orchestra)

GnR's Greatest Hits entered the Billboard chart at #3 this week. Congrats to them. The success of that album, coupled with the press release Axl issued after cancelling their Rock in Rio appearance, leads me to believe that maybe, just maybe, Chinese Democracy will be released. Interesting that the 2 most famous unreleased albums of all time (that and Smile) will probably both be released this year. Which one will come out first? My money is on Smile. Come on, Brian and Axl, don't let me down.

People have been talking about this AmEx short film with Jerry Seinfeld, and I'm happy to say it lives up to the hype.

Had to go to a screening of Soul Plane this morning... and, believe it or not, IT SUCKED! BIG TIME! And, to add insult to injury, the screening room was filled with these meatheads working for MGM talking to each other across the room:
-Yo, where we going to lunch?
-Anywhere but a steakhouse.
-How 'bout Italian?
-No can do... no carbs.
-Why not?
-Diet.
-Atkins?
-South Beach.
-Why do you need to diet?
-Goin' to Vegas, baby! Need to get buff.
-I've never heard anyone say they need to get buff for Vegas. What you doing there?
-Dude, what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. All I can say is there's a pole with my name on it.
Bunch of assholes.

I stand corrected... the Collector's Edition of Freaks and Geeks contains 2 extra discs, not 1... the one in stores only has 6 discs. All the more reason to spend the extra money...

On Saturday my Special Edition Freaks and Geeks DVD Set arrived in the mail, and I have to say, it is the coolest DVD package I've ever seen! It's a yearbook with about 30 pages of content... then the last few pages contain the DVD's. There are 8 disks, as opposed to 7 in the regular edition... the 8th contains additional deleted scenes, table reads, audition footage, etc. Can't wait to start watching! I hope this sells well so that they can do the same thing for Undeclared. Go out and buy it... NOW!

British magazine Q is having a contest where people submit questions to ask Slash during an upcoming interview... if your question is picked, you win 25 quid (about $45). Here are the questions I submitted:
-When's the last time you went out in public without your sunglasses and hat?
-Is your name a noun or a verb?
-How big is your snake?
-You played at the Michael Jackson anniversary show where they blurred out his face. What were they covering up?
-When's the last time you went to the beach? And is your bathing suit made out of leather like the rest of your wardrobe?
-Have you ever made out with Axl?
-What's the one guitar riff you wish you'd written?
-With the success of musicals featuring music by Queen, Abba, Billy Joel, etc., there's now talk of a Wham! musical. What are your thoughts about that? Any chance of a GnR musical?
-You appeared in the cartoon Kid Notorious. What are some of your favorite cartoons besides that one?
I hope at least one of those is worth money.

Saturday night (Sunday morning) on the subway, a homeless woman comes through the train asking people for food and/or money. I'm listening to my iPod, so I can't hear exactly what is said, but she angrily turns to a group of people and says "Who said that? You don't know me. Don't talk shit about someone you don't know. I'm no different from the rest of you." Well, yeah, except that you're the only one asking people for food and/or money.
You make think I have a bad attitude towards the homeless, but excuse me if they've made me jaded... case in point, I transfer to another subway to find a homeless man asking for food and/or money. Everyone turns him down except for one couple... the man opens his wallet and apparently only finds big bills, so the girl opens her purse and gives the guy 3 singles. The homeless man adds it to his stack of 1 single, counts it, then asks if they have another couple bucks so he can buy (something unintelligible). The couple says that's all they can give, sorry, and the homeless man starts cursing them out, saying "That's bullshit! I know you got more money!" No good deed goes unpunished... and I only give money to really good subway performers.

For those Democratic viewers out there concerned by yesterday's show featuring "Reggie" the Republican Voter Registration truck, fear not... I assume that the crowd chanting "four more years" was referring to TRL, not Bush/Cheney.

The new issue of Rolling Stone lists the 50 greatest rock artists ("the Immortals"). Beatles are #1, surprise surprise. What is a (very pleasant) surprise is that The Beach Boys came in at #12, above Led Zepplin, The Who, U2, Michael Jackson, and many others. Bravo, RS, bravo.

My friend Jared just sent me this link... now I'm gonna go kill myself.

I showed this to a co-worker who is possibly a bigger 80's fan than I am... her reaction: "OH NO HE DIDN'T!"

These dolls are great, but anyone who pays $300+ for them is a damn fool.

"Off the Hook" update:
I don't know what's going on... today La La described yesterday's Usher performance as "bananas"... she's obviously lost her mind. Thus ends the "Off the Hook" counter.
Vanessa, on the other hand, called herself "retarded" on the air for the second time in three days. She keeps getting yelled at, but it's probably... retarded people don't watch TRL anyway, and if they do, they can't operate the remote if they get pissed off and want to change the channel.

Yesterday's "Off the Hook" tally:
Tuesday's count: 4 (including 2 in consecutive sentences)
Total for the week: 7
She is surprisingly behind her average... I thought she'd go nuts with Usher, Luda, and Lil' Jon on yesterday. I'm sure she'll find a way to catch up.

Sad that Michael Jackson has sunk so low that reading this news doesn't even phase me anymore. Hot Rod is a great title, though.

I've decided to keep a running count of the number of times La La says "off the hook" this week on TRL.
Today's count: 3
Total for week: 3

As a former employee at Troma, I couldn't be more pleased with this excerpt from Friday's New York Times review of Dawn of the Dead:
... Mr. Snyder's blood feast is strictly by the numbers; this second-rater could be the world's most expensive Troma film. That makes sense: the screenwriter for the remake, James Gunn, also banged out Tromeo and Juliet, that no-budget B-movie-studio's seminal film (that is, if the word seminal can be appended to Troma). Still, this is the first studio picture to exhibit the tacky Troma influence, which means - something, like the end of shame in Western civilization, perhaps.
Hear, hear.

Was at an apartment party on Saturday night where a few of my friends took Ecstasy, which is no big deal (although that particular party seemed an odd environment to take it), but for some reason it made me think of the episode of Beverly Hills, 90210 where the gang goes to a club and Brandon's crazy girlfriend Emily slipped E in his drink and he started acting all freaky and he pissed off the rest of his friends and his car got trashed when he left it at the club and the whole time Steve and Andrea are going to different convenience stores trying to "exchange an egg" to get the address of the club and the next day everyone has learned a lesson about drugs... I haven't seen that episode since it aired, which is at least 10 years ago, and I can remember it so clearly... now that's a sign of good television.
What isn't good television was last night's episode of The Simpsons, which for the second week in a row featured a parody that would've been fresh and appropriate last millennium. And while the Star Wars parody had its moments, the other 18 or so minutes were awful. My roommate has given up on the show... I may do so as well. For shame, Simpsons, for shame.

Yet another one of these conversations...
Globlgurl9: i have a question for you
Globlgurl9: how does time depend on the future?
Greeneneon: b/c if there were no future, this moment would be infinite
Globlgurl9: oh cool
Globlgurl9: string theory is pretty cool
Greeneneon: maybe you could take over for me
Greeneneon: you could be the next superstring genius
Globlgurl9: i dont know
Greeneneon: it's not hard
Globlgurl9: i am a international reltions major
Greeneneon: so how do you know about string theory at all?
Globlgurl9: my friend told me about it
Globlgurl9: and showed me some documentary you did
Greeneneon: is your friend loveneuroscience?
Globlgurl9: y7es
Globlgurl9: *yes
Greeneneon: she seems kinda nuts
Greeneneon: she's kinda obsessed with mtv
Globlgurl9: mtv?
Greeneneon: yeah
Greeneneon: she wouldn't stop talking about it
Globlgurl9: oh
Greeneneon: i'm not sure how it related to superstring theory
Globlgurl9: oh
Greeneneon: you have any ideas?
Greeneneon: i'd love to put together a theory of how they relate
Greeneneon: get the kids into string theory
Greeneneon: it'll be all the rage
Globlgurl9: hm?

Someone was either fucking with me or is just fucked up... either way, this conversation was bizarre and lots of fun:
LoveNeuroscience: Hello, I have a question...
Greeneneon: yes...
LoveNeuroscience: it's about the book you wrote, Fabric of the Cosmos
LoveNeuroscience: Do you think that there are more than 1 dimension of time?
Greeneneon: wrong Brian Greene
LoveNeuroscience: ?
LoveNeuroscience: aren't you Brian Greene?
LoveNeuroscience: I am a physics student
Greeneneon: i'm a brian greene
Greeneneon: not that brian greene
LoveNeuroscience: :-(
LoveNeuroscience: sorry...
LoveNeuroscience: do you know about dimensions of time anyways?
Greeneneon: of course... who doesn't?
LoveNeuroscience: are you a physicists too?
LoveNeuroscience: physicist*
Greeneneon: so far from it
LoveNeuroscience: well, are there any mathematical models that support the theory of multiple time dimensions, possibly infinite dimensions?
Greeneneon: yes
LoveNeuroscience: could you tell me about them, please?
Greeneneon: i could, but it's too complicated to explain on IM
Greeneneon: plus i usually get paid for tutoring
LoveNeuroscience: tutoring in math?
LoveNeuroscience: what subjects do you tutor?
Greeneneon: sociology of popular culture
Greeneneon: specifically the effects of TRL on teenage society
Greeneneon: it's fascinating
LoveNeuroscience: the mtv show?
Greeneneon: that's the one
LoveNeuroscience: oh
Greeneneon: it seriously messes kids up
Greeneneon: studies have proved it
LoveNeuroscience: I think that show is quite silly
Greeneneon: i concur
LoveNeuroscience: kids should be learning about other things instead...lke physics
Greeneneon: couldn't agree more
LoveNeuroscience: mtv is nonsense
Greeneneon: from my research, i've gotten to know the writers there... i should tell them to put physics lessons into the show
LoveNeuroscience: absolutly! good idea
LoveNeuroscience: are you doing undergrad, grad, or postdoc research, out of curiousity?
Greeneneon: it's independent study
Greeneneon: so i don't have to pay tuition
LoveNeuroscience: oh - for undergraduate studies?
Greeneneon: no, i'm done with undergrad
LoveNeuroscience: oh ok
Greeneneon: but i can never stop learning about stuff
Greeneneon: like those GI Joe interstitials... "knowing is half the battle"
LoveNeuroscience: I agree.. I feel the same way about science
LoveNeuroscience: I agree!
LoveNeuroscience: I'm sorry... I just saw that you were Brian Greene and couldn't resist talking to you
Greeneneon: no problem... it happens all the time
LoveNeuroscience: really?
LoveNeuroscience: you're research on trl sounds very interesting
Greeneneon: it gets me through the day
Greeneneon: better than a real job
LoveNeuroscience: :-)
LoveNeuroscience: Nice talking to you. Good luck with your research...And sorry about the mistaken identity.
Greeneneon: no problem
LoveNeuroscience: btw, I'm going to your book signing at Union Square on Wednesday. I'm so excited.
Greeneneon: then i'll see you there
LoveNeuroscience: haha

Saw a preview screening of The Anchorman last night... I'm not a fan of Will Farrell, especially in large doses, but the movie did have a few quality laughs, particularly from Steve Carell of "The Daily Show." It's also loaded with guest stars and cameos: Vince Vaughn, Ben Stiller, Jack Black. This group, along with Owen Wilson, has become the equivalent of the crop of comedians who appeared in some combination in basically every comedy from the early 80's: Bill Murray, John Candy, Dan Aykroyd, Chevy Chase, Harold Ramis. Compare their talents and the films they were in (Ghostbusters, Stripes, Caddyshack, Vacation, Little Shop of Horrors, even The Great Outdoors) to the work of the current guys and there is no comparison. The newbies have their moments (Owen Wilson and Jack Black especially), but will any of their movies be considered classic comedies? Makes me long for the good old days.

Dorky white guys of the world, unite! But that tour is just a warm-up to Phil Collins' cleverly-titled "First Final Farewell Tour." I've got my dancing shoes on already.

Saw Neil Young & Crazy Horse perform Greendale (and a selection of hits) at Radio City last night. Excellent concert. Greendale is terrific music; the staging is bizarre. It's like watching a really early 80's music video where the singer acts out every single lyric. Pretty cheesy, actually. I think it would've been better had he simply played the music without the actors onstage. I'm sure the movie is even worse than the staging. But I highly recommend the album, and Neil can still rock with the best of them (the show lasted almost 3 hours). He also hasn't lost his edge... at one point a heckler kept yelling out "Cinnamon Girl" during one of Neil's expository monologues, and Neil finally shouted back "Shut up, asshole!" much to the delight of the crowd. Why people feel there cannot be a single moment of silence during a rock concert without somebody whistling, cheering, or yelling things out escapes me. This is why I hate people.

On a related concert note, a former co-worker had e-mailed me yesterday to tell me about Courtney Love's surprise gig at the Kitten Klub last night. I was planning on going after Neil Young, but once again inertia got the best of me. Then, of course, this happened. I always miss the good stuff.

I love the fact that I, a 24-year-old nobody, wrote words that Donald Trump had to say on national television... and that he'd come into the control room and be instructed to point to a monitor, and he'd do it. He was $3 billion worth of putty in my hands.

I think I missed this by about 30 minutes... wish I could learn to control my hunger pains.

Donald Trump is on the show today, and we're doing a parody of The Apprentice. Should be an interesting show... I have a feeling Trump is gonna look like a deer in headlights in this environment.

I went to college with his son Donnie, and was on the same flight as him coming down to Florida for Thanksgiving one year... I sat across the aisle from him and was able to hear his conversation with the man sitting next to him... the guy was talking to Donnie about Wharton, business life, etc., and while Donnie never said he was Trump's son, he would drop hints such as saying his dad is in real estate, he's going to his golf resort, etc. At the end of the flight the guy gave Donnie a business card and offered to help him get a job. I wanted so badly to pull the guy aside and say "Do you realize you've been talking to Donald Trump's son?" just to see his reaction.

I recently watched Shocked on Trio, which was about Shockwave's ill-fated partnership with Trey Parker and Matt Stone. In 1999 Shockwave paid them $2 million to create short cartoons for their website, giving them full creative control. Matt & Trey came up with Princess, a cartoon about a cute puppy who witnesses lots of digusting things (like a husband whose wife gives him such a good blow-job his cum shoots her head right off). Shockwave never posted the episodes. Shocked gave clips of them... I've now discovered full versions of the first 2 episodes. They're sick... and hilarious. I love it!
Episode 1
Episode 2

Wait a minute, Whitney Houston takes drugs? Not this Whitney Houston... she seems so normal and well-adjusted... and her husband couldn't be a better influence on her...

Janet claims another victim...

George Michael is retiring from the music business... hopefully to focus on his efforts to reunite with Andrew Ridgeley for that long-awaited Wham! reunion?

Did anybody else notice on The Simpsons last night that they basically showed where Springfield is in the couch gag? During the 2001 parody, the camera zoomed out from a map of the US and came up from either Michigan or Illinois. Dunno if that was intentional or not, but I'm sure Simpsons geeks around the globe are up in arms (and yes, I'm one of them).
I also have to express my disappointment last night's episode. A Blair Witch Project parody? Come on... they should've avoided that altogether, since it's so overdone, but to do it 6 years after it came out? Please...

Went to Siberia last night for Lindsayism's birthday party. I usually hate situations where I go somewhere and only know 1 person, especially when that person happens to be the host, but it wasn't too bad... I just wish that she had more than 2 friends who weren't male hipsters (and I'd love for her to atttempt to deny that fact... I now totally agree with the Daily News, which referred to her as a "bona fide Gen-X Williamsburg hipster"). But I'm glad I went, and Happy Birthday to you, Lindsay!

Elijah Wood guest-hosted TRL today, and a crazy girl slipped a note to one of our PA's to give to him... here are the contents of that note:

"Elijah Wood" - written in a drunken stupor by __________ (phone number ***-***-****)

Elijah Wood
You look so good
I would bang you
If I could

You live in the Meat Packing District
I would buy new lipstick
Go to Gristedes and get some Bisquick
To make you pancakes in the morning

You're really small
Yeah, not that tall
Let's go to the mall
You can buy me lots of shit

You have a penis
Don't call it a weenis
I don't want a fetus
So you best wear a condom
BIATCH!

Some days at work are certainly better than others...

I was deciding whether or not to get tickets to see Courtney Love at Bowery Ballroom on the 18th... not because I'm a fan of hers, but because I want to be able to tell people "Yeah, I saw her last concert ever when she went totally insane and then killed herself / went to jail"... the likelihood of that happening is huge. But ultimately I passed, and tickets sold out within minutes. Hope I didn't make the same mistake I made when I passed up a chance to see INXS 2 weeks before Michael Hutchence killed himself.

Stuff like this never happens to me...

Time to pass along some fun links...
- Woman rejects wedding proposal at NBA Halftime show
- Biggest freak of all time
- Religious ceremony gone awry (this is why we should eliminate religion)

I know I once said that this was the best game ever, but I stand corrected... it has been vastly improved!

Last week Rolling Stone ran an article about students (specifically Stephen Bohler) committing suicide at NYU. Yesterday, the 4th NYU student in 6 months killed herself. So I guess that does make the magazine educational material...
*Note - yes, I'm fully aware I'm going to Hell.

Did anyone read the Entertainment Weekly article about Justin Guarini? If you looked up douchebag in the dictionary, you would find his picture. First of all, why on earth does he deserve a 4-page article? And where does he get the balls to say something like this?
"I'm here to entertain, to bring joy to people, to bring light to dark places of the world."
Justin, if you truly believe that, you can start by never opening your mouth again.

On a more positive note, Steve Martin's article in New Yorker titled "Studio Script Notes on 'The Passion'" is one of the funniest things I've ever read. Love the exchange between the 2 spectators as to why Jesus doesn't use his superpowers to save himself. I was wondering that, too. Steve Martin is a genius. Bring him back to host the Oscars next year.

Does anyone else think that The Passion of the Christ would have been VASTLY improved if, at the end when Jesus is revealed in profile at the tomb, he had turned to the camera and winked? Maybe even said something like, "I told you I'd be back!"... that would've been AWESOME!!!

Saw a screening of Jersey Girl over the weekend... trust me, you do NOT want to see this movie. But if you feel the need to, here are some pointers...
1) When the movie starts, you may think that you've stumbled into the middle of the 300,000th TNT showing of Kindergarten Cop. The similarity is so great, you may be certain. But trust me, it is not Kindergarten Cop... although in a few minutes, you may wish it was.
2) Ben Affleck is a terrible, TERRIBLE actor... note the scene when he arrives at the hospital.
3) For some reason, the video store Ben and his daughter frequent is the only video store in the world that stocks multiple copies of Children of the Corn 666. In fact, approximately 44% of all the movies there are 666, Scream, or Copland. Bizarre.
4) Ben and his daughter must be immune to a disease that has wiped out the entire population of Manhattan, because they are the only 2 people walking through Central Park on a gorgeous afternoon and the only 2 people (except for the driver) when they take a horse-drawn carriage ride through the city on a beautiful night.
There's more, but I'd rather not waste space here. How Kevin Smith could possibly think this is his best movie boggles the mind...

There are certain stories that, although great to read, definitely cry out for video. This is one of them. The best part of the story is that one of the guys involved in the fight lives in the same nursing home as his mother. That's so much worse than having to move back into your parents' house. I didn't think the concept of nursing homes could be more painful, but that would do it.

Got myself a copy of the full Paris Hilton tape yesterday... had to trade a Bubba Ho-Tep bedpan for it (that may have been a once-in-a-lifetime find, but really, what's the point of having a bedpan if you're not gonna use it?). That Paris is one very dirty girl. The "trailer" doesn't do justice to the amount of sex these two have. And, in typical porn-star fashion, Paris looks bored and miserable throughout the entire thing, except at the very end when Rick explodes all over her chest and she rubs it on like sunscreen. He also gets away with spanking her and calling her "bitch" and jokes about her being underage. Quite a pair, these two.
Is the footage worthy of all the press it's gotten? No. Would I pay $50 for it? No. Is it worth more than that bedpan? That remains to be seen... but now that I have the Paris video, I'll have to find something else in which to collect my fluids...

A co-worker just showed me a mock movie poster for Lord of the Bling. "This is gonna be great," he says. I nod, out of courtesy. "Hilarious," he continues. "It's from Mad Magainze."
Can people even say that anymore?
I ask again, why is my building full of morons?

I'm on an elevator heading up to the 23rd floor. Doors open at 21 so somebody can exit. Girl walks on. Buttons for 22, 23, and 30 are already lit. She presses 7. Other people in the car give her a weird look. Elevator goes up to 22. Doors open, someone gets out. The light for 7 turns off. Girl presses it again. Doors close, elevator goes up to 23. Girl has to realize at this point that the elevator is going in the wrong direction. I get out, expecting girl to follow and switch elevators rather than go all the way up to 30. She stays. Probably presses 7 again.
Why is my building full of morons?

The mix project continues... today's theme was Cover Songs. Here is the tracklist and liner notes for the mix I made for Tommy:

1. Hazy Shade of Winter – The Bangles (Simon & Garfunkel): As always, I like to start these mixes off with solid guitar riffs, which this song has. Sounds great on a good stereo (or headphones), where the riff bounces between the left and right speakers.
2. Rock & Roll - Jane's Addiction (Velvet Underground): I’m not a big fan of either Jane’s Addiction or Velvet Underground, but for some reason I really like how JA sounds doing this song.
3. Wild Horses - The Sundays (Rolling Stones): Hard to believe one of my favorite Stones songs could be improved upon, especially in a version prominently used by a WB TV show, but this version is haunting… it’s more of a stalker song than a love song here.
4. The Ocean - Melissa Quade (Led Zepplin): I wish I could cut out the end, because it almost ruins the song, but I think she’s a great singer and does a terrific job stripping down this song.
5. Try Some, Buy Some - David Bowie (George Harrison): It’s sad that the best song on Bowie’s new album is a cover, but not really since this is really great.
6. Working in a Coal Mine - Devo (Lee Dorsey): Devo makes it seem like it could be a whole lotta fun to work in a coal mine.
7. Mona (I Need You Baby) - Rolling Stones (Bo Diddley): Yeah, so much of the early Stones material is covers, and those songs don’t show off the band’s skills, but out of all their early stuff I think this is there best cover.
8. The Passenger - Siouxsie & the Banshees (Iggy Pop): This song is probably the most faithful to the source material, but Siouxsie sounds great singing this.
9. Always Something There to Remind Me - Naked Eyes (Lou Johnson): As far as improving upon source material, I don’t think you can do much better than this.
10. White Lines - Duran Duran (Grandmaster Flash): DD started the encore with this song during their Webster Hall show and almost blew the roof off the place. Sure, it’s borderline laughable when Grandmaster Flash trades rhymes with Simon LeBon, but it’s a song I could crank all they way up while driving.
11. Girl U Want - Soundgarden (Devo): Simple song that Soundgarden didn’t alter too much; they simply made it their own, and it works.
12. Ben - Crispin Glover (Michael Jackson): Michael Jackson singing about a rat = creepy. Crispin Glover singing about a rat = creepier. Although Crispin Glover makes just about anything creepier.
13. Thirteen - Garbage (Big Star): I wish some girl had made these offers to me when I was thirteen. Shirley Manson’s voice is just too damn sexy. This is probably my favorite song on the mix.
14. Handbags & Gladrags - Stereophonics (Michael D'abo): Being such a huge fan of “The Office,” I tried to find the version that plays in the credits. It’s never been released, but this version is almost identical. It’s also the only Stereophonics song I can stomach.
15. Save It For Later - Harvey Danger (English Beat): “Flagpole Sitta” is such an annoying song, it’s a marvel I even gave this a chance… but I’m glad I did, because I think they did a great job with it.
16. Ball of Confusion - Love & Rockets (The Temptations): Not only a cover, but also a lyrical update.
17. Rent - Carter the Unstoppable Sex Machine (Pet Shop Boys): When I was in Scotland, I had a friend who loved Pop Will Eat Itself, Carter the USM, and Pet Shop Boys’ “Rent.” Every conversation concerning music would eventually lead to one (or more) of these three topics. This song nails 2 of the 3. I don’t particularly like Carter, which is an opinion shared by most people (that is, of people who know of him, which in this country is virtually nobody), and I’m not wild about this version of the song, so more than anything I put it on here in honor of my friend, Laurie.
18. Rock & Roll All Nite - Toad the Wet Sprocket (Kiss): One of the things that most attracts me to a cover is when they alter the mood of the song. This one does that in spades. I just wish I could’ve found a version that cuts out the lame intro.
19. The Girl Is Mine – Penn-6 (Michael Jackson / Paul McCartney): If the a-capella groups at Penn were organized like the Greek system, Pennsylvania 6-5000 would be the Animal House: lots of drinking, drugs, crazy parties, date-rape, etc. At performances, they’d get so trashed they could barely sing. So it boggles the mind that they could arrange and sing songs that sound as good as this.
20. Timeless Melody - Pearl Jam (The La's): PJ has so many covers to choose from… I tried to pick one I was pretty sure you’ve never heard. The original of this is great, and it’s a shame the La’s broke up so early in their career, although I hear a reunion is in the works. This is just a great little pop song; nothing more, nothing less.

Tommy Sticking Point took the very creative step of commenting on my Oscar diary instead of writing his own, and he did a bang-up job. Not to turn this into a never-ending cycle, but here's a few comments I have on his notes:

8:51
Brian writes: Tim Robbins ... seems to have found a surefire way to avoid the orchestra cue: discuss sexual abuse. Future winners, take note.
Tommy's Second Opinion: But to make it more interesting, name names. Start with "Michael Jackson."
Brian's Third Opinion: Name names, but make shit up... maybe use a director who rejected you for a part. Hey, you just won an Oscar... see how far you can push things before your career instantly implodes.

9:24
Brian writes: Tom Hanks’ entire face is sagging… it’s as if a bowling ball is dangling from his chin.
TSO: Man, I have had it with this guy. How many GREAT movies has he made? Two? IMDB's got 37 films to his credit. That's a really crappy ratio.
BTO: Yes, but he's hosted SNL like three thousand times... that should count for something, methinks.

10:05
Brian writes: I loved The Days of Wine & Ro and Victor / Victo; long live ake Edwards!
TSO: akes me wish I had a widescreen TV. What a load of shi
BTO: Damn, Tommy just nailed the punchline that I totally fucked up. That's why he makes the big bucks.

11:03
Brian writes: Jamie Lee Curtis’ breasts have varicose veins. Nasty.
TSO: ...and they go all the way down to her penis. Gross.
BTO: That JLC-was-born-a-man is one of the most bizarre Hollywood urban legends of all time. Although it would explain how she and Christopher Guest are a couple.

Thank you for cleaning up my spills, Tommy.

I should also note that I came in second place in my Oscar pool, losing by 1. Damn LOTR sweep...

The Oscars finally ended about half an hour ago, and damn, were they boring! Regardless, here's my show diary...

8:00: Apparently the pre-show starts now, not the actual show… already this fucks up my Oscar pool, since our tiebreaker question is “What time will the show end?” I put 11:28… I should’ve put 11:58. Thankfully it’s the 76th annual show, which isn’t a multiple of 5, so we won’t have to put up with stupid retrospectives… or will we?

8:29: I’ve watched about 5 minutes of pre-show, and this Billy guy inside the auditorium has made the following people terribly uncomfortable: Alec Baldwin, Sandra Bullock, Ben Kingsley, Renee Zellweger, Nicole Kidman, Johnny Depp,and Keisha Castle-Hughes. Where did they find this chump? The Ryan Seacrest Reject Factory?

8:30: Sean Connery opens the show saying “for more than 100 years, people have been fascinated by movies.” And for 40 years, people have been fascinated by his eyebrows… they move seemingly without purpose!

8:36: The Magic of Movie montage – decent; Billy’s impression of Jack – awful.

8:39: That joke about the differences from 13 years ago was fresh about 13 comedians ago.

8:46: Is Peter Weir married to Cheryl Hines?

8:47: Cut to Marc Shaiman blowing kisses to the camera. Wait, he’s gay?

8:51: Tim Robbins wins; I’m 1-for-1 in my pool. And he seems to have found a surefire way to avoid the orchestra cue: discuss sexual abuse. Future winners, take note.

8:53: 23 minutes in, only 1 award. At this rate I should’ve guessed 5:18am.

9:01: LOTR wins its first, Art Direction… gonna be a long night for them. And is the gray-haired guy Peter Jackson in disguise? Calm down, I’m sure you’ll be up there later in the night.

9:02: Peter Jackson is so fat, he can’t button the top button of his shirt or tighten his tie. Kinda sad.

9:05: Robin Williams playfully butchers the names of the Best Animated Film nominees by using a playful lisp. Way to destroy their one moment of glory.

9:06: Triplets was robbed. Take that, France… that’s for not sending troops to the Middle East!

9:07: Sounds of Oscar = Instant Replay. Who are they trying to kid?

9:11: It’s official: I’m evil… all I can think right now is “Please, Renee, trip and fall down the stairs.”

9:19: Aghdashloo looks just like Catherine Zeta-Jones. Eerie resemblance.

9:21: Renee wins, and it looks like she’s still looking for a place to store those nuts for winter. Better get a move on… it’s March already.

9:24: Tom Hanks’ entire face is sagging… it’s as if a bowling ball is dangling from his chin.

9:25: Why are they playing the Forrest Gump theme for the Bob Hope tribute? Are they implying he was a retard?

9:33: Damn, Billy Zabka didn’t win… they didn’t even show his face. Guess there will be no “Sweep the leg” jokes tonight.

9:35: The other winner looks PISSED he didn’t get to talk. That’s it… their friendship is over.

9:37: Random Baldwin (non-Alec) sighting. Was it Billy or Daniel? Does anyone really care?

9:38: Liv Tyler is going with the Lisa Loeb look, and she pulled it off BIG TIME.

9:44: The back-up singers for “Scarlet Tide” look like they could be Senators.

9:56: Yawn. This isn’t my first yawn, but it’s the first one I’ve written down. This may be the most boring Oscar ceremony I’ve ever seen.

10:01: Jennifer Garner deserves an Oscar for acting interested throughout the entire tech awards.

10:02: Crap, Jim Carrey has leukemia again.

10:05: I loved The Days of Wine & Ro and Victor / Victo; long live ake Edwards!

10:15: It’s official: Bill Murray has the best line of the night for “We were refused.”

10:20: Was the first make-up winner in the poster for Meet the Deedles?

10:21: Sandra Bullock says “You were early.” Good one.

10:28: Sean Penn is not amused by Julia Roberts. But then again, is he ever?

10:33: The guy who played the crazy vet who works at Peterman in an episode of Seinfeld is a seatfiller… he’s sitting next to Zeta-Jones. I swear (thanks to DVR for rewind & pause so I could verify that). Well, that’s one way to go to the Oscars.

10:37: Oprah: “I love a great movie.” You know, for years I’ve been telling people just how much alike Oprah and I are… then she has to go and ruin it with a crazy statement like that.

10:45: Billy Crystal just gave a great follow-up with his “tax audit” joke. He does still have some life left in him.

10:47: The President of the Academy just said “Attixus,” then said “Attixus” again. Do all Presidents have problems talking?

10:50: Holy shit, Stan Brakhage died! Oh wait, I have no idea who that is. Nevermind.

11:00: I’m glad Julianne Moore was amused by Pierce Brosnan’s editing joke… she was the only one.

11:01: How did LOTR win Best Editing? It never ended! Damn bandwagoners…

11:03: Jamie Lee Curtis’ breasts have varicose veins. Nasty.

11:16: Jack Black’s jump-and-land-in-a-kneel would’ve been much cooler had he been wearing a cape. I’m just saying…

11:18: Would a song like “Flashdance” ever get a nomination these days, let alone win?

11:22: Canada wins Best Foreign Language Film. They should’ve named the movie The Barbarian Inv-eh-sion. Get it? (There you have it, my worst joke of the night)

11:31: LOTR won Adapted Screenplay? That’s it, it’s gonna be a clean sweep. Has that ever happened before?

11:33: Tim Robbins and Susan Sarandon: Academy Award-winning couple. That’s awesome.

11:42: Time for Best Director. Please let City of God win something…

11:43: Crap.

11:44: The woman who escorts the winners offstage is HOT! And she towers over Tom Cruise.

11:46: Can we safely admit that Adrian Brody’s career is over already? And he has a weird walk… it’s like the way a Ken doll would move.

11:48: Yeah Charlize… my dad and I have been expecting this since October 1996, when we saw 2 Days in the Valley.

11:59: Best Actor this year is the TOUGHEST CATEGORY EVER!!!

12:01: Wow, Penn got a HUGE ovation. Then he says it’s pretentious to write a speech. Way to slap any winner who has ever done that. He’ll never win again.

12:05: LOTR officially sweeps everything. Yawn.

That’s the end of the most boring Oscar ceremony ever (and the most boring Oscar diary ever).