HAPPY BIRTHDAY MARY-KATE AND ASHLEY!

The Olsens are finally 18.
The hunt is on.

R.I.P., Ray Charles. As someone who took piano lessons for 12 years, blind pianists like him and Stevie Wonder never ceased to amaze me. It's hard enough to play with the music right in front of, let alone without looking at the music, let alone without looking at the keys. But to compose music without being able to write it down and look back at it boggles the mind. He sure was talented.

This week's issue of Time Out New York has an article about David Hasselhoff releasing a rap album under the name "Hassel the Hoff," produced by Ice-T. Since that is not the most reliable source, and the story sounds more than ridiculous, I did some research... and sure enough, it's true. The world is officially coming to an end.

Going to a screening of Dodgeball in about 2 hours... so soon I will know if watching this terrible-looking movie about guys getting hit in the head with a dodgeball will be more or less painful than actually getting hit in the head with a dodgeball.

Guess what I am now holding in my hands? That's right... VELVET REVOLVER'S "CONTRABAND" CD!!! And it's on pace to enter Billboard at #1... TRL, get ready to ROCK!!!

Pee-Wee's Playhouse is finally coming to DVD!

I have some sad news to inform you about... I just learned that one of my favorite bloggers, Koolgrrrl, was killed on her way back from the Celine Dion concert in Vegas. Car crash. Tragic. I'd been wondering why she hadn't posted in several months. Anyway, as sad as it is, I guess it's better that she died on her way back instead of on the way there, because at least she saw the show and presumably died happy.

Near, far, wherever you are...
Koolgrrrl, you will be missed.

Since I really have nothing else to write about today, here's a list of my 10 favorite movies of all time (listed alphabetically):
1) Amadeus
2) Beetlejuice
3) City Lights
4) City of God
5) Fargo
6) Fast Times at Ridgemont High
7) Raging Bull
8) Requiem for a Dream
9) Searching for Bobby Fischer
10) Singin' in the Rain
Oldest movie on list: City Lights
Newest movie on list: City of God
Number of movies in black & white: 2
Number of Chaplin movies that potentially could've made this list: 3
Number of times I was shown Amadeus in a class in high school: 4
Number of times I saw the entire movie in high school: 0
Number of times I've seen Beetlejuice: 64 (at last count)
Number of people I know who didn't get that the "this is a true story" tag at the beginning of Fargo is a joke: countless
Number of comedies on my list: 5
Number of comedies featuring Marlon Wayans: 0
Number of dramas featuring Marlon Wayans: 1
Amount of money you'd have to pay me to see Marlon Wayans' newest movie, White Chicks: at least $500
Number of listed films for which I own the soundtrack: 2
Actor who appears in the most movies on this list: William H. Macy (2)
Number of good movies Joan Allen has been in since Searching for Bobby Fischer: 5
Number of good movies Max Pomeranc has been in since Searching for Bobby Fischer: 0
Number of consecutive weeks City of God has been playing in a Manhattan movie theater: 71
Highest grossing film on the list: Beetlejuice
Current lowest price for a copy of the book Fast Times at Ridgemont High on Half.com: $71.76
Number of letters I've written to Cameron Crowe in the hope he'd send me a free copy of the book: 1
Number of responses I've gotten: 0

Eminem, low blow making fun of Axl. Come on, I expect much better from you...

Has anyone else noticed that the Snapple commercial titled "The Robot" doesn't make any sense? The robot kills a female bottle and drinks her Snapple innards, spilling the liquid all over itself in the process, and is fine. Yet when the police bottles spray it with a water hose, it short-circuits. Why didn't the female Snapple innards cause it to short-circuit? If it can survive one, it should be able to survive both. Tsk tsk, Snapple script supervisors.

P.S. I love the sound the robot makes when it's drinking the Snapple... "yumyumyum"

When I was in Long Beach, I heard a report on the radio that Def Leppard will be releasing an album of 70s covers in September. This cannot be a good idea. Even though I'm a big fan of the Lep, I've made it clear how much I despise covers. But it got me thinking... as bad as most of them are, what are some of the absolute worst covers of all time?
- Madonna's "American Pie"
- Mandy Moore's "God Only Knows"
- Limp Bizkit's "Faith"
- Britney Spears' "I Love Rock & Roll" (losing further points because she said in interviews that the original was sung by Pat Benatar)
- Guns N Roses' "Sympathy for the Devil"
- Billy Idol's "L.A. Woman"
- Ataris' "Boys of Summer"
- Bloodhoung Gang's "Along Comes Mary"
- Orgy's "Blue Monday"
- t.A.t.U.'s "How Soon Is Now"
- Good Charlotte's "If You Leave"
- System of a Down's "The Metro"
- Duff sisters' "Our Lips Are Sealed"
- Leif Garrett's "Surfin' USA"
I know I've left off tons of them, but I do actually have to get some work done... so this is a start.

I know that, like the rest of us, David Hasselhoff is trying to cope with the break-up of Creed... but drinking is not the way to handle his grief.

By the way, Sway's annoucement of the break-up on Friday's show would only have been more entertaining had the audio department been able to insert a sound effect of crickets chirping. You be the judge:
Sway: "So, y'all know Creed, right?"
(2 seconds of awkward silence)
or
Sway: "So, y'all know Creed, right?"
(1 second of awkward silence, then "chirp chirp")

Our producer guaranteed that if Velvet Revolver's CD reaches #1 on the Billboard chart, they will be booked to perform on TRL. So that means starting tomorrow, everyone go out and buy at least 5 copies of Contraband.

Do it.

And if you need to be further persuaded, it's streaming on mtv.com, so give a listen, especially "Fall to Pieces" (which is a crossover hit if I ever heard one).

This list of the 50 Greatest Song Parts is bizarre and definitely missing countless great moments (how can you even narrow this down to 50?), but worth reading if you've got 10 minutes of free time.

Make sure you watch this Friday's TRL for this incredible sound byte during Sway's MTV News piece:
"I was gonna call it 'Inside My Head,' which is cool because it's, like, deep."
- Avril Lavigne, on coming up with album titles.
Yes Avril, you are deep. Like, you know, for sure!

Yet another thing I wrote for TRL that will never see the light of day... this one was for the Wednesday's Live Hit, which was described in the format as "Ashlee Simpson and Amanda Bynes tease each other":

ASHLEE
-WHAT’S UP, I’M ASHLEE SIMPSON

AMANDA
-AND I’M AMANDA BYNES
-TODAY WE’RE GONNA BE ON TRL

ASHLEE
-HEY AMANDA, HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED THAT YOU HAVE A LOT OF FRECKLES?
-YOU REALLY SHOULD STAY OUT OF THE SUN

AMANDA
-MAYBE I WOULDN’T HAVE THAT PROBLEM
-IF MY NOSE COULD THROW SHADE OVER MY WHOLE BODY LIKE YOURS DOES

ASHLEE
-THAT’S FUNNY
-BY THE WAY, I SAW “WHAT A GIRL WANTS”
-AND WHAT THIS GIRL WANTS IS FOR YOU TO DROP DEAD

AMANDA
-LOOK, IF JESSICA GOT ALL THE TALENT IN YOUR FAMILY
-I’M SURPRISED YOU CAN EVEN PEE WITHOUT FALLING IN THE TOILET

ASHLEE
-AT LEAST I DON’T THINK I’M LINDSAY LOHAN

AMANDA
-AT LEAST CARSON DIDN’T FUCK ME IN THE POO HOLE!

ASHLEE
-ANYWAY, GET THOSE LAST MINUTE VOTES IN

AMANDA
-AND KEEP IT LOCKED
-CAUSE TRL STARTS AT 5

I also have to say that Ashlee's performance is one of the worst live performances I've ever heard. She sounded like a goose... a tone-deaf goose. Everyone on staff was cringing. Brilliant television.

Gotta take time out of my work here to post this link... someone was smart enough to play both Nickelback hits over each other, and yes, they are in fact exactly this same song...

Waking up at 5:15am sucked...
On my flight I managed to get an entire row to myself, but an ill-advised gloating wave to a co-worker caused her to come and sit with me the whole flight, eliminating my ability to lie down...
Been in California for 6 hours and already have sunburned arms, thanks to eating lunch outside...
In other words, things couldn't be better.

I'll be in Long Beach shooting the at the MTV Beach House for the next week, so postings may be few and far between... sorry.

Things I learned from Velvet Revolver's concert at Roseland last night:
1) Heroin makes you cut. Both Scott Weiland and Duff are in such incredible shape... washboard abs, no body fat... maybe I should start shooting up to get me a six-pack.
2) Fuel's popularity was probably imaginary. I seemed to be the only person who recognized the lead singer, Brett Scallions, standing in the audience (and I only did because I'd seen him perform "It's So Easy" with Camp Freddy, another pseduo-GnR band).
3) Matt Pinfield is short. Really short.
4) "Sex Type Thing" is more popular than any Guns N Roses song. The crowd went insane during this song, more so than for any of the original VR material or for "It's So Easy," "Used to Love Her," or even "Mr. Brownstone." Very surprising.
5) Scott Weiland is made out of Jello. I don't know how he contorts his body like that, unless he has no bones. He really is a human snake.
6) VR's material is pretty damn good. The band is really tight, they mesh well, and they rock. The sound at Roseland wasn't great, but from the taste I got (and based on the singles "Set Me Free" and "Slither" that I've heard studio versions of), the album will be good. I just hope it's successful. My guess is it'll have a strong debut (Top 3), then plummet very quickly. But I have my fingers crossed that it'll have longevity.

Nothing like a "witness" to spin a story out of control. Avril caused the studio to "power down"? Come on...

Can this possibly be true? If it is, that's awesome. If not, this is still a hell of a prank. Either way, "Andy Kaufman" writes a more interesting blog than I do.

Pretty damn funny...

Who couldn't see this coming? (Hehe, Spanky...)

Alrighty, Avril Lavigne just freaked out on TRL and flipped everyone the bird... and those hawks at the NOC did nothing with the 5-second delay. That will be great... I'm sure MTV will get in trouble again, just as we're heading out to California for the beach house. Thanks Avril... and thanks NOC for doing such a bang-up job.

Poor Cyndi Lauper (scroll down to the 4th story)... birds can be such harsh critics.

This New York Times article talks about Serena Williams training for the French Open in Cannes so that she could mingle with celebrities. When she talked to Tom Hanks, she told him that she's seen Turner and Hooch at least 50 times... how does Tom Hanks even respond to that? That's worse than seeing Joe vs. the Volcano 50 times. I'd make a joke about finding out which Williams sister is Turner and which one is Hooch, but I'm not that mean.

Speaking of bad movies, over the weekend I was forced to watch the first 2 Harry Potter movies on DVD and come up with trivia questions and a list of spells for the TRL Harry Potter contest. I don't know about you, but my idea of a fun weekend doesn't include spending 5 hours watching crap (although I managed to cut it down significantly by turning on the subtitles, playing the movie at double speed and simply reading the dialogue). Anyway, I aimed at making the questions ridiculously hard, even for these supposed Harry Potter junkies, and out of 10 questions, one contestant got 3 right, one got 4, one got 8, and one freak of a girl actually got all 10! How the hell did she know the license plate number of the Dursley's flying car? How did she know how many points the dorm that won the House Cup in the 1st movie had? Damn her. And yes, it does bother me that I now know all this stuff too. What a waste of brain space.

Saw a screening of Saved! last night. It had gotten good buzz, and the previews looked decent, so I went in with a positive attitude. And yes, while it's better than the recent crap I've had to see (Raising Helen, Soul Plane), it was somewhat of a letdown. They give away most of the funny parts in the preview. It attempts to make Jena Malone's confused teenager a better arguer on Christian faith than her pastor. They try to make Mandy Moore's ultra-religious character the villian, but it's hard to feel bad for her when there's a scene near the end with her crying and praying to God about what to do so that the audience realizes that she is in fact doing what she thinks is right in the eyes of God. Not a bad movie, just not particularly good.
And while my posts too often argue the merits of the Beach Boys, the film's opening with a terrible cover version of "God Only Knows" by Mandy Moore was a travesty. Not only did she suck all the feeling out of the song, but she had the audacity to turn it into a sing-a-long ("God only knows what I'd be without you... COME ON EVERYONE!"). I'm tempted to say something to her about it when she comes to TRL on Thursday... but I think we can all guess how likely that is.

Tommy handed me his A-Z mix, which is on 2 discs, in blatent disregard to the rules. Anyone can make two 13-song mixes... the trick is to fit 26 good tracks onto one. If you read this Tommy, FOR SHAME!!!

Track list for the latest CD in my mix project with Tommy. Topic: one CD, 26 tracks, A-Z (either artist or song title), with (very) select liner notes.

1. Idlewild - American English: Put on a mix by my Scottish friend Laurie in my original mix project. I liked this song so much that I bought their CD. Sadly, the rest of the album is, as the Scottish say, "shite."
2. Simon & Garfunkel - Baby Driver
3. Josie Cotten - Johnny Are You Queer?
4. Joy Division - Digital: I recently watched 24 Hour Party People and am now obsessed with this song.
5. Eels - Going to Your Funeral, Pt. 1
6. V.A.S.T. - Free
7. Go-Go's - Speeding
8. Colin Hay - Overkill: I heard this version for the first time on Scrubs, one of Tommy's favorite shows... that's why it made the mix.
9. ZZ Top - I Thank You
10. Jellyfish - Ghost at Number One: Probably the closest any modern band has come to sounding like the Beach Boys.
11. Kinks - Harry Rag
12. Cure - Love Song: One of my favorite love songs ever. So simple yet so effective.
13. They Might Be Giants - Mammal
14. Nirvana - Territorial Pissings
15. Bob Dylan - Oxford Town
16. Tom Petty - Apartment Song
17. Queen - Bicycle Race
18. Tommy Roe - Sweet Pea: If you were to look up "earworm" in the dictionary, it would list this song's chorus as the example.
19. Marvelous 3 - Sugarbuzz
20. Blind Melon - Three is a Magic Number: This song just missed out on our previous mix topic, Cover Songs, so I'm glad I could put it in here.
21. Urge - Jump Right In
22. Van Halen - Beautiful Girls
23. Cat Stevens - Wind
24. Seconds - X: This is what Tommy gets when I'm forced to put in a song for X and don't want to use the band X because I'm sure he owns all their albums.
25. Guns 'N' Roses - You're Crazy
26. Zebrahead - Someday
(bonus track) : From a recent episode of South Park. Butters would tap-dance to this song. Don't know why it makes me laugh as hard as it does, but it does.

Simpsons Geek Alert!!!
In last night's episode, Krusty gets choked up reading the Red Dress Press. Kinda tough to do, seeing as how he CAN'T READ! Who is running things over there? Very sloppy. Hopefully they'll get their shit together over the summer.

The new Seinfeld / Superman AmEx short, "Hindsight," is up. Not as funny as the first one, but still pretty good.

By the way, last night I saw a screening of The Day After Tomorrow, and it wasn't that good (I know, is there any movie other than Napoleon Dynamite that I have liked recently? Doesn't seem that way...). The movie started out alright, and actually one of the coolest part was the credit sequence, which was a long pan across the Arctic Ocean in which the names in the credits created wavy reflections in the water. The destruction of earth was okay, but ended less than an hour into the film. The next hour was tediously boring and ridiculously stupid... somehow Dennis Quaid was able to walk from DC to Manhattan in the worst snowstorm ever in a matter of days. I MapQuested it, and the distance is 226.54 miles. Not bloody likely, methinks. Anyway, I'm glad that at least I'm not paying money to see these films. Next up: Saved, on Monday. My first ever Mandy Moore movie. I'm excited.
Oh, The Day After Tomorrow had one opportunity to make a joke that would've saved the entire movie and didn't do it. There are these 3 scientists (don't worry, this isn't a spoiler) who are stranded in a shack in Scotland and they've run out of fuel and have no way of getting out. One of them says "Don't worry, we have plenty of tea and biscuits... as long as the lew doesn't clog up, we'll be fine." All 3 laugh uncomfortably, then one by one stop laughing when reality about their imminent death sets in. There's a moment when the first guy stops laughing where I wish he'd said, "Um, about that..." and there'd be a slow camera pan (with melodramatic music playing in the background) to the toilet, which is clogged. Oh man, that would've been funny.

Okay, I had a very random revelation recently. I think I've figured out the secret to a successful movie aimed at teenage girls: breasts! It seems so obvious now. Let's take a look at recent movies:
Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen: Lindsay Lohan with average breasts = average hit
Lizzie McGuire Movie: Hilary Duff with big breasts (for a 15/16-year-old) = big opening weekend
Mean Girls: Lindsay Lohan with huge breasts (especially for a 17-year-old) = huge hit
13 Going on 30: Jennifer Garner with good-size breasts = successful
Prince & Me: Julia Stiles with fairly small breasts = fairly small gross
New York Minute: Olsen twins with no breasts = bomb
So what is it about big breasts that draws teenage girls? Do they want what they don't have? Is the audience really filled with horny teenage boys (or sleazy older men)? Someone should really research this further.

Fox finally announced its 2004/05 line-up, and thankfully, Arrested Development is on the schedule! But what is this crap about 24 not coming back until January?

Congratulations to Randy Johnson for pitching a perfect game last night. Insane how well he's doing at his age (ditto Clemens). It's a shame that Randy's career didn't really take off until he was 27. Another few years in his prime and he could've shattered some records. I also appreciate the fact that the Atlanta fans gave him such a great ovation after the game. Way to acknowledge something that's great for the game, even if it wasn't good for your team. Think Philadelphia fans would've done that?

I also think it's hilarious that Sammy Sosa has to go on the DL due to a strained ligament in his back after sneezing too hard. His body must be a wreck after taking steroids for so long and then stopping. He deserves anything bad that happens to him. Good riddance.

Saw Raising Helen last night and, as expected, it sucked. It didn't help that I was so friggin' hungry and the movie couldn't go more than 5 minutes without showing some sort of food: brownies, cakes, ham, rack of lamb, pancakes. There hasn't been as much focus on food in a movie since Eat Drink Man Woman. Pure torture.

We are inching ever closer to hearing an official, completed version of Smile... can't wait!

Jimmy Fallon is leaving SNL. So now nobody will be laughing at any sketches (unless they feature Amy Poehler).

Watched VH1’s 50 Most Awesomely Bad Songs Ever over the weekend, and while their list has some merits, they have a few major errors... I will now attempt to adjust the list by swapping out certain songs:
1. “We Built This City” – replace with LFO’s “Summer Girls”
- “Summer Girls” is by far the worst song ever recorded EVER! Terrible beat, ridiculously amateur lyrics… I once saw an interview with them in which they discussed how everything in the song is true: “New Kids on the Block did have a bunch of hits, and Chinese food does make me sick.” Yeah, so does this song. If they were so intent on singing honestly, they should’ve sung about how they are talentless suck-asses.
3. “Everybody Have Fun Tonight” – replace with Kid Rock’s “Bawitdaba”
- The comedians on the show claim that they don’t know what it means to “Wang Chung” (Do they also not know what it means to turn Japanese? Or to she-bop?)… I don’t know what “Bawitdaba” means, but I can assume it translates into “Kid Rock blows.”
5. “Ice Ice Baby” – replace with Vanilla Ice’s “Play That Funky Music”
- I still own the cassette of To The Extreme, although I haven’t listened to it in at least a decade… but having listened to the whole album at one time, I know that he did much more damage to Wild Cherry than to Queen & David Bowie.
10. “Heart of Rock N Roll” – replace with Justin Timberlake’s “Rosalita”
- Possibly the worst sing-along section in all of recorded music. It’s bad enough that Justin sings off-key during it, but I think he purposely rounded up the worst group of singers possible to make him sound that much better. At least N’Sync could harmonize (or at least used computers to do so).
12. “Hangin’ Tough” – replace with New Kid’s “Step by Step”
- All I remember about this song is a horrible rap interlude with lines like “Step 1: We can have lots of fun. Step 2: There’s so much we can do.” Why I remember that, I don’t know, but it’s embedded into my brain and I’ll never forgive NKOTB for that.
15. “Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm” – replace with Des’ree’s “You Gotta Be”
- You gotta be kidding me that this song was ever popular.
16. “Final Countdown” – replace with Baha Men’s “Who Let the Dogs Out”
- How “Final Countdown” made the list boggles the mind. I could wake up every morning to this song and be psyched for the day. And how did Baha Men not make the list? No, seriously. I don’t even need to write anything to justify this, cause I think you all already know how bad that song is.
19. “You’re the Inspiration” – replace with Lynyrd Skynyrd’s “Red White & Blue”
- People claim that Chicago went downhill during the 80s… well, I was never a real Skynyrd fan, but they have an unparalleled plummet if their entire new album is as bad as their patriotic first single, with lyrics such as “My Daddy worked hard, and so have I,
paid our taxes and gave our lives to serve this great country, so what are they complaining about? Yeah we love our families, we love our kids, you know it is love that makes us all so rich. That's where were at... if they don't like it they can just get the HELL out!” Flows like butter, eh?
24. “Sussudio” – replace with Madonna’s “American Pie”
- The show pointed out with this song that even a Grammy-winning, hugely-successful singer wasn’t safe from this list. Using that logic, I point to possibly the worst cover ever recorded. She turned a poignant, clever homage to great music of the past into a techno train wreck that made me long for the great music of Madonna’s past. And she had the gall to edit out 4 verses... which, come to think of it, may not have been a bad thing, since it made her version much shorter.
29. “I’d Do Anything for Love” – replace with Celine Dion’s “It’s All Coming Back to Me Now”
- She ripped off the song structure and video, but made it sound much much worse.
32. “Broken Wings” – replace by Geri Halliwell's "Look at Me”
- Her first single after she left The Spice Girls has a bridge section that sounds worse than the entire Spice Girls catalog mashed together and played at once. I've never changed a channel during the first time I've heard a song faster than I did during that song.
40. “What’s Up” - replace with Ce Ce Peniston’s “Finally”
- One of the first reasons why I hate dance music. At least the song opened her up to jokes about her name.
50. “Sunglasses at Night” – replace with Third Eye Blind’s “Losing a Whole Year”
- Stephen Jenkins screaming “I remember you and me used to spend the whole goddamn day in bed.” And I remember when bands used to have talent. The falsetto voice singing the title during the chorus is the musical equivalent of nails across a chalkboard.

Naturaly after I rant about it on Tuesday, fate would cause my bosses to assign me to attend a screening of Raising Helen next Monday. That's great. Thanks.

Okay, I'm officially fed up with the crap that passes for "music" these days. MTVU plays a video for "Snowflakes" by Just Jack approximately once an hour. In that song, Just Jack samples the Cure's "Lullaby" and replaces Robert Smith's original lyrics and haunting voice with infantile lyrics that are half-sung/half-rapped by a white thug-wannabe poser. This sampling nonsense has to stop! It's not cool or creative; it simply means that artists don't have the talent to write their own melodies. Jessica Simpson's "I Think I'm in Love with You" did it with "Jack & Diane," 5ive's "Everybody Get Up" did it with "I Love Rock and Roll"... the list goes on and on. Covers are almost as bad, but at least they admit to their lack of originality and don't try to pass themselves off as something they're not. Stop ruining good music (not that "Jack & Diane" is good... it was simply an example of sampling I thought of off the top of my head) and write your own songs, you untalented asses!

EVERYONE SHOULD SEE NAPOLEON DYNAMITE!!!
Saw a screening of Napoleon Dynamite last night, and I'm making a claim that this is the funniest film of the year... you heard it here first. The movie has little (if any) plot, but who cares if it's simply a character piece... the writing, acting, pacing, and directing are all top-notch. For at least the first 20 minutes, I didn't stop laughing or chuckling the entire time. I'm guessing that when June rolls around, "Heck yeah!" will replace "Don't be stupid, stupid!" as catchphrase of the moment. Trust me on this one.

I would've refused to see Raising Helen based on the trailer, but even before then I knew I'd be boycotting it based solely on the title. Punny titles are the worst... and normal puns are bad enough (Beautician and the Beast), but when they do it with names, argh! I can just picture the pitch for this... "It's like 'Raising Hell,' which is cool, but the girl's name is Helen, so it's 'Raising Helen'... clever, right?" Hardly. What's next, "Walk Like Amanda?" "Stark Raving Madison?" "Live or Let Diane?" Shit, I hope I'm not giving people ideas...

Things I Learned Watching the Survivor All-Star Finale & Reunion:
1) Even reality shows aren't safe from stunt casting during sweeps. At some point between the time they left the island to the time they reunited at MSG, Amber was replaced by a liposuctioned Trishelle, Boston Rob was replaced by A.C. Slater, and Jenna L. was replaced by a less-attractive Liz Phair.
2) Rupert rules! I loved that when he came back for the first time as a juror, he was still wearing his tie-dye shirt. Everyone who'd been kicked out before him had cleaned themselves up and changed into fancy clothes, but not Rupert. I was beginning to wonder if he even owned another shirt until he came out for the final jury wearing a button-down shirt.
3) Big Tom creates killer catchphrases. I hope that "Don't be stupid, stupid!" becomes as big as "Show me the money!" did.
4) Large groups of people are always retarded. Who the hell would want to be at MSG to watch this live, let alone pay a scalper $450 for tickets? The cheering, the booing, the "awwwwwww-ing" was all so grating... it's okay to watch the show, but come on, get a life!
5) There are exceptions. The one time I was pleased with the audience was when they booed Jerri so much that she left during the commercial break. Hilarious! Her life is just completely ruined. She could've been singing "The National Anthem" and still gotten booed offstage.
6) CBS is just as bad as NBC. Anyone who DVRed (or, if old-school, taped) the finale and not the reunion missed finding out the winner. It's not that hard to properly schedule programming, or if it was planned that the winner would be revealed during the reunion, tell people about it!
7) The "shocking twist" was a major let-down. Viewer's choice award is a cool concept (especially since it will hopefully make Rupert a millionaire), but it's hardly a shocking twist. Oh, and if CBS is reading, you may want to fix the voting link, which doesn't seem to be registering votes at all.
Now that the season is over, hopefully I can cut myself off from Survivor as I did after the first season ended.

Simpsons geek rant:
It's bad enough that the humor has vanished from the show, but now the show isn't even caring enough to properly follow its own history. Milhouse claimed Homer was his first kiss... has he forgotten about Samantha Stanky? And Homer claimed he's only kissed one woman is his life, when in fact also he's kissed Mindy Simmons, Lurlene, Amber (his Vegas wife), and even Selma (at least I think it was Selma) during last night's episode! Come on people, pay attention...

Guess I'll finally be watching an episode of Duck Dodgers...

Chalk up another win for the Yankees... take that, Spider-man 2 and Bud Selig!

Fairly disappointed in the Friends series finale. Aside from the utter lack of humor (which has plagued the show all season), it was sappy, predictable, unrealistic, and tried to tie up too many ends. Given the nosedive the show has taken over the past few years, I'm glad it was finally put to rest. Simpsons, take note. Oh, and anyone who DVRed the show and tried to watch it later got screwed out of the last 5 minutes unless they happened to record ER as well. Way to go NBC, which always refuses to start and end its popular programs on the hour / half hour.

On to better television... Hulk Hogan (and his 24-inch "pythons") hosts Classic Jukebox May 16 at 8pm on VH1 Classic. You can bet I'll be watching.

Haters may call the Yankees the "Evil Empire" and curse the way they throw money at players, but even the most jaded have to applaud the Yankees refusal to put ads for Spider-Man 2 on the bases in Yankee Stadium, one of the worst ideas MLB has ever implemented. Well, to give full disclosure, they'll do it during batting practice and for one game, but I still give them credit.

The Olsen twins are on TRL today, and I pushed so hard to do a parody of The Shining for our cold open, but unfortunatley all the ignorant TRL viewers have probably never heard of, let alone seen, The Shining. Therefore, my blog will become the final resting place for this idea:
The Shining Cold Open
Damien rides through the studio hallways on a tricycle, with the camera following behind him. As he rounds a corner, he sees the Olsen twins standing hand in hand.
Olsens (in unison): Hello Damien. Come and play with us. Come and play with us, Damien. Forever... and ever... and ever!
Damien (turning to the camera): Awesome! TRL starts now.

Some people have way too much money.

I miss high school...

There's an article in the Daily News today about the cast of SNL cracking up in a sketch during this weekend's show. The author claims that cast members laughing rarely happens on SNL. What the hell show has he been watching? Jimmy Fallon cracks up during every sketch he's in... and, surprise surprise, he's the one who started Saturday night's fiasco. The producers should start keeping a running tally during each show, and then at the end beat Fallon with a paddle for each time he laughs. He'll be a human Pavlov's dog. Maybe that'll teach him.

Well, the Simpsons strike has been settled... apparently Fox called the actors' bluff and threatened to shut down production. No numbers have been released, but word is they got slight raises and no percentage of profits. Or, as Joey Tribbiani would say, they folded "like a cheap hooker who got hit in the stomach by a fat guy with sores on his face."

The sports section in today's New York Times had an article about Met Jose Reyes' latest setback in the recovery from his hamstring injury. In the article, his trainer says that Reyes "is kicking himself" over the slow recovery time. If he is kicking himself, it's no wonder it's not healing correctly...

Some of these are fall-out-of-your-chair funny (particularly Tony Danza and Flat Tire). But I wonder how many of the people who have posted have actually ever had any kind of sex at all?

Smackfest 2004 was awesome... Day 3 in particular... those women are scary!

818-633-9638
I won't say who's number that is, but feel free to call and find out for yourself.

It's hardly surprising that the American version of The Office will be shitty, but this news is depressing nonetheless.

The new issue of Time Out New York (with the 2004 Eat Out Awards) has an article about how the salary demands by the cast members of The Simpsons may be a good thing, because it could put the show out of its misery. I couldn't agree more. This article matches my opinion of the show so perfectly, it could've been written by me. The quality of the show has sunk to levels I never imagined possible. The classic episodes still handle the test of time, but the overall legacy of the show has been badly tarnished by the past 5 or so years. It's definitely time to pack it in.
Sadly, TONY's website is too cheap to post the article, but it's on page 169, so go out and buy a copy (or go to one of those newsstands and read it without buying it... not that I condone such behavior).

(Beware spoilers in this post!)
I'm pretty bummed at 24. Obviously a show like that has to take certain liberties with what's realistic. But last night's episode had perhaps the biggest cop-out in the show's history. Michelle, the CTU agent stuck inside the hotel where the virus had been released, tested negative. The virus infects almost 100% of the population, yet this major character avoids it. And why? So that 20 minutes later she can be kidnapped by the terrorist so that he can make an escape and have the show leave us with another cliffhanger. Probably the worst non-Kim-related moment in the show's 3 years (the overall worst moment is Kim getting caught in the cougar trap, but that's a whole 'nother story...).

And the reviews are in. Thumbs down for P. Diddy on Broadway. Hurrah!

Sad news about the death of Hubert Selby Jr. He was an excellent author, writing books including Requiem for a Dream, which was adapted into one of my Top 10 Favorite Movies of All Time (I'll have to do a post on that at some point). He will be missed.

On the subway yesterday coming home from work, I had the pleasure of sharing a train with the "Subterranean Comedian." And what a pleasure it was! He treated my fellow riders and me to such gems as:
"I told my wife to take the 2 train... so she took the 1 train twice!" (ba dum dum)
"My wife went to a movie, and the sign said 'Under 17 not admitted.' So she rounded up 16 strangers to go with her!" (ba dum dum)
"Now please donate to the cause... 'cause I need the money!" (ba dum dum)
Shockingly, nobody gave him any money.

Went to an Einstuzende Neubauten concert at Irving Plaza with Tommy Sticking Point on Saturday night... I'd never heard of, let alone heard, them before... but Tommy said they were a cool German band from the 80s, so I figured they'd be like Kraftwerk and I'd enjoy it. I should've been clued in that in fact they are not like Kraftwerk when I arrived to a sea of pseudo-Goth-punk NYU students waiting to get in. I also expected them to dress like Falco (dunno why... he's not even German), but they all came out dressed in trendy, head-to-toe black outfits. The lead singer looked like Steve Buscemi with longer hair, the bass player like Tom Savini (the before photo) in a halter top, the drummer like a black-haired cross between the drummer from Crowded House and the lead singer of Flock of Seagulls, the random percussionist like the love child of Clint Howard and Robert Benigni, and fairly normal-looking guitarist and keyboardist. One of the interesting aspects of their music is that they utilize power tools, metal objects, and construction materials in their percussion and rhythm sections... kind of like Blue Man Group, but not really. I really liked the first 8 or so songs, but then the concert really started dragging. There is definitely a threshold for how much of that you can listen to at once, especially for a first-timer, and they exceeded it by almost an hour. It didn't help that there was a lot of time spent between songs badmouthing Clear Channel (which isn't such a bad thing, but spread the show too thin). I'm not sure I'll ever buy one of their CD's, and I doubt I would see one of their concerts again, but I thank Tommy for expanding my musical horizons.
P.S. If the blonde-haired, pink-shirted girl from the show who kept following me around is reading, please leave me alone... you were kinda creeping me out!

My dad's reaction after my mom asked me about Lindsay Lohan's monster breasts and me assuring them that she's only 17: "I'd like to see her birth certificate."

If there was a way to take my own personal hell and package it into a 2-CD set, this (or any other in the Ultra Dance / Ultra Trance series... this is simply the most recent) would be it...

In this article, P. Diddy (screw the fact that he wants to be called Sean Combs now... he started the whole stupid nickname thing to begin with), while arguing that he's not an acting rookie, states "I wouldn't be calling LeBron James no rookie. Try that, he'll hit 50 points off that a—— of yours."
Yeah, now I can see why LeBron was so pissed off about winning this year's Rookie of the Year award... oh wait...

I thought I was the only white guy that black people loved, but according to this site, I'm wrong.

More fun with videos...

1) Cheaters never prosper (thanks to Lindsayism for that).
2) Who says domestic abuse isn't funny? Certainly not this ad... or this one...
3) Our tax dollars at work (this one is more disturbing than fun).

Kirk Cameron really has lost his sense of "funny"... and this quiz makes me feel like shit (don't skip the intro).

Random plug for my friend Jonny's student film, Gay by Dawn... it's showing at the DGA Theater on May 4.

Comedy Central keeps showing commercials for these Chaser anti-hangover pills. I'm very curious to try one. The only problem is that a normal dose only works for 4-6 drinks, which isn't enough alcohol to cause me a hangover. Anyone used one of these things before?

So in last night's episode of 24, wunder-idiot Kim was given a field-op assignment, much to Jack's chagrin. He tried his best to talk his superior out of letting her do it (to protect her, not because he didn't think she could do it), but he was overruled. If I were Jack, I would have simply said, "You want to put the security of our country in the hands of my daughter, who a couple years ago got caught in a cougar trap?!?"... I think that would've done the trick.

This may be the most bizarre car commercial ever made... even more so than Joe Isuzu...

I thought Sheryl Crow's career could never get any lower than when she performed in the backyard of the Big Brother 3 house... but today I stand corrected.

Apparently Prince didn't like Jersey Girl. Well, obviously... anyone who sees it won't like it. But I do like Prince's reasoning.

Anyone up for some old-school arcade games, Freaks & Geeks style?

Michael Madsen's website has a section in which he gives 1-2 sentence reviews of all his movies... he's brutally honest about all the shit films he's been in... pretty funny.

My friend sent me this link... hope my old high school buddy Mary Carey is okay!

Some thoughts on last night's Apprentice finale...
- Did anyone else notice that during one of Heidi's confessionals (it looked like it took place in a gazebo), there was a couple frolicking on the grass behind her? Fucking hilarious.
- Best moment: Jessica Simpson giving Kwame advice about staying calm under pressure, that things will always work out. Sure they will Jessica, when you have people doing them for you... but you can't even operate a vacuum, so keep your thoughts about business management to yourself.
- It was cool when they pulled away the walls of the boardroom to reveal the audience, but the rest of the live portion was so awkward. Bill has one of the goofiest smiles I've ever seen... Trump can't read off a prompter... the question and answer with the former contestants was bizarre, especially when he asked Tammy a question about her pregnancy and then didn't let her answer... Sam unsuccessfully trying to bribe Trump to offer him a job (nice that Sam is able to fill a briefcase with $250,000 in cash... I could never do that... does that make Sam cooler than me?)...
- Ereka and Omarosa were forced to sit next to each other, and Trump even brought up the fact that Omarosa accused Ereka of calling her the "N" word, but the worst that happened was that Ereka called Omarosa a liar... where was the catfight?

They just started carrying chocolate Chipwiches in the MTV cafeteria... this may be the best thing to happen here since I started interning 5 years ago!

Velvet Revolver's mini-tour is set... you can bet where I'll be the night of May 26!

I don't see what the problem is... this guy was probably just demonstrating a proper swing.

Johnny Knoxville is a fan of Kids of Widney High too. Doesn't surprise me at all... although I am a bit surprised how much overlap Johnny and I have on other albums.

The news about the death of "Weird Al" Yankovic's parents is sad, and this press release he wrote is even sadder. But that won't stop me from relaying some great jokes Tommy "Sticking Point" e-mailed me about the incident...
"Weird Al" Yankovic’s elderly parents were found dead in their home last weekend, apparently victims of carbon monoxide poisoning. An understandably distraught Yankovic told reporters, “There’s no song I could change the words to to relate the sadness I feel.”
"Weird Al" Yankovic’s elderly parents were found dead in their home last weekend, apparently victims of carbon monoxide poisoning. A distraught Yankovic is expected to respond with a hilarious new version of the Police’s “Every Breath You Take” later this month.
"Weird Al" Yankovic’s elderly parents were found dead in their home last weekend, apparently victims of carbon monoxide poisoning. An understandably distraught Yankovic told reporters, “This is horrible. The only thing that rhymes with ‘monoxide’ is ‘peroxide’. What’s that?! I got nothing.”
The last one is my favorite, but they're all gold.

I saw Ladykillers over the weekend. I've been a big Coen brothers fan for years (and still think Fargo got robbed of Best Picture... English Patient? Come on...), but given the mixed reviews the film has received, I didn't go in with very high expectations. And it's alright... some funny moments, good performance by Tom Hanks, nothing too memorable. What I do appreciate is the fact that the Coens still attempt to make such unique movies in the age of formulas. One of the trailers before Ladykillers was for White Chicks, an updated and reversed Soul Man in which 2 Wayans brothers (not Damon and not Keenan) dress up as missing white female socialites and none of their socialites' friends notice that they are black men in drag except for occasional comments such as "Don't they seem a little different?"... the trailer didn't get a single laugh and looks horribly offensive and cliched. With movies like this being made, I'll watch a moderately disappointing Ladykillers anyday.

Killer quote from the Daily News' review of Britney's tour at the Meadowlands:
The few times she sang flagrantly live, Spears navigated the notes like a person trying to drive a car after downing an entire bottle of Scotch.

Scott Weiland has been cleared to tour. Sweet! I must get tickets to see them when they come to NY... who's with me?

Maybe I should send an e-mail linking to this blog to remind the 40-year-old me how lame the 24-year-old me was.

Ah, those crazy Japanese... this thing makes no sense at all!

Well well well, it seems Mr. Raskin, whose book I so highly praised, is a fan of my blog. The proper grammer and lack of insults in the comment leads to believe one of my friends is playing a joke. If so, bravo... I laughed my ass off. If it's true, I'll be on the lookout for him outside the building... he should be easy to spot, since the photo on the book jacket looks just like Gerardo of "Rico Suave" fame.
P.S. I also wonder if he had run-ins with this reviewer? Or this one?

Couple tidbits I picked up today:
- Jessica Simpson said her seventh-grade teacher asked about continents and she answered: "A, E, I, O, U." She's since learned they're not continents. Not even consonants.
- The student newspaper at the University of Nebraska at Omaha apologized Friday for its April Fools’ section, which school officials said demeaned African-Americans. The paper, the Gateway, had a wraparound edition titled the Ghettoway, with headlines pen names for writers like Mindjo Bidness and Ono Udidn.

For some reason a few months ago, tons of copies of the book "Little New York Bastard" by M. Dylan Raskin ("MDR" to friends) showed up scattered around the MTV building. I took a copy home and promptly forgot about it. Over the weekend I finally cracked it open, and I must say that it is the WORST book I have ever read. It escapes me how this book was ever published. It's nothing but a collection of cliches, whining, and pretentiousness (kind of like this blog). Here's a sample:
"I was looking at her like she was completely out of her head. She used the words like and whatever as if they were going out of style..." (pg. 20)
Original, huh? The whole book is like that (at least until the middle of chapter 3, which is where I gave up). I'm calling for a boycott of this book. Do not... I repeat, DO NOT buy / read / recommend this book!

I was hoping that this was a cruel, delayed April Fool's joke, especially when I read this part:
"Don't be fooled by the rocks. Mama Guadalupe, she's still the Mama From the Block," quipped the pal. But I don't think it is. How does shit like this happen? And I hate how she credits divine intervention... "Our Lady really looks out for me." She's so full of herself. Damn that entire family.

By the way, Happy 10th Anniversary of Kurt Cobain's death! I was in 9th grade when it happened, and the next day my English teacher started class with this joke:
"What does Kurt Cobain use to collect his thoughts? A Squeegee!"
Brilliant, Mr. Harrington. Brilliant.

Today was the due date for the latest installment of the mix project with Tommy Sticking Point... topic: Songs with Animals in Their Titles. Here's my track list, with assorted liner notes:

1. Hungry Like the Wolf – Duran Duran: Let’s get the most obvious selection out of the way first...
2. Diamond Dogs - Beck: Not as good as the remake, but I can’t put Bowie on every one of these mixes… or can I?
3. Mockingbird Girl – Scott Weiland
4. The Eagle Will Rise Again – Alan Parsons Project
5. Dog & Butterfly (acoustic) - Heart: I was gonna put “Barracuda” on here, then remembered this song and decided to go less mainstream.
6. Cows with Guns - Dana Lyons: Buzz 103.1 (West Palm Beach’s alternative station) used to play this on the Morning Buzz when I was a junior in high school. I have no idea why, and I’ve never heard it played anywhere else since, but I downloaded it from Napster when I was in college and held onto it. It comes in handy here. The lyrics are really cheesy but kinda clever.
7. Danger Bird – Neil Young: He played this at the concert I went to a couple weeks ago and inspired me to put it on the mix.
8. Fever Dog - Stillwater: A fictional song from a fictional band in a fictional movie (based on true events), yet I bet if you played this for someone who had no idea, they would believe it was a real 70’s song. I have no idea who actually sings it.
9. Buffalo Stance – Neneh Cherry: My sister was obsessed with this song when we were kids, and I was obsessed with the video, a precursor to the more-famous “Groove is in the Heart.”
10. Insects – The Kids of Widney High: Yes, I’m a bastard for liking this music because it cracks me up. But I can’t help it. Just listen to the lyrics and to the singer’s passion during the bridge.
11. Froggie – Presidents of the United States of America: Shortly after this album was released, there was an article in the Sun Sentinel (my local paper) talking about artists’ sophomore slumps and how this album had only sold a fraction of the first one. I remember getting upset that the article failed to mention that the album had been out only one week. It ended up not selling much more, and PUSA faded into obscurity. Thanks, Sun Sentinel.
12. Howard the Duck – The Bangles: The movie was awful. The theme song includes the line “Hickory, dickory, duck.” How could I not put it on here?
13. Surfin’ Bird – The Trashmen: My mom had a Dr. Demento tape with this song and used to play it to amuse me in the car when I was younger. I guess it worked.
14. Dark Horse – George Harrison
15. Sheep Go to Heaven - Cake: Another example of a band that I generally think is awful that puts out one good song (see also Counting Crows, Harvey Danger).
16. Atomic Dog – George Clinton: This song made Snoop Dogg’s career.
17. Brass Monkey – Beastie Boys: Supposedly they refuse to sing this one in concert now because it degrades women. I still like the Beastie Boys, but they used to be much more fun.
18. Of Wolf and Man – Metallica (w/ San Francisco Orchestra)

GnR's Greatest Hits entered the Billboard chart at #3 this week. Congrats to them. The success of that album, coupled with the press release Axl issued after cancelling their Rock in Rio appearance, leads me to believe that maybe, just maybe, Chinese Democracy will be released. Interesting that the 2 most famous unreleased albums of all time (that and Smile) will probably both be released this year. Which one will come out first? My money is on Smile. Come on, Brian and Axl, don't let me down.