Sucky Garfield (#18 of 20)


G'day mate! We're ending '08 with a doozy of a Sucky Garfield, harking back to the Australian invasion of the late 80s. Unfortunately this Crocodile Hunter looks more French than Australian: he's meant to be wearing a necklace made of croc teeth and an outback hat, not a frilly collar and beret. Also those crocs don't seem particularly menacing. No wonder he was able to carve up the one on the shore, it's just a wee baby. And I wish I could remember my reasoning for erasing the "II" in the title. I guess Garfield Dundee just wasn't popular enough to deserve a sequel.

Happy New Year to everyone, and I hope you have a great 2009.

Sucky Garfield (#17 of 20)


Here we go, the most action-packed Sucky Garfield of them all. King Cat sure is a big fella (with a big floppy penis-tail). Those bullets have no effect on him at all, not even the bullets that defy the laws of physics by traveling diagonally from the plane on the right. I'm quite proud of using a crown to dot the "i" in the title, not so proud of making the parachuting pilot so happy. But all in all, definitely one of my better achievements.

Sucky Garfield (#16 of 20)


More like Lazy Garfield. No creativity whatsoever on this one, except in the font. Why does the city only have one tall building? What is up with the cape? Why did I even bother posting this? The less I say about it, the better.

Sucky Garfield (#15 of 20)


It's the holiday season, and nothing says the holidays quite like Dracula. But what was I thinking with the title? Where's the pun? No Catula? A golden opportunity, wasted. At least I didn't put a smile on the victim like I did on Monday the 13th.

Happy Holidays

It was Christmas Eve babe
In the drunk tank
An old man said to me, won't see another one
And then he sang a song
The Rare Old Mountain Dew
I turned my face away
And dreamed about you

Got on a lucky one
Came in eighteen to one
I've got a feeling
This year's for me and you
So happy Christmas
I love you baby
I can see a better time
When all our dreams come true

They've got cars big as bars
They've got rivers of gold
But the wind goes right through you
It's no place for the old
When you first took my hand
On a cold Christmas Eve
You promised me
Broadway was waiting for me

You were handsome
You were pretty
Queen of New York City
When the band finished playing
They howled out for more
Sinatra was swinging,
All the drunks they were singing
We kissed on a corner
Then danced through the night

The boys of the NYPD choir
Were singing "Galway Bay"
And the bells were ringing out
For Christmas day

You're a bum
You're a punk
You're an old slut on junk
Lying there almost dead on a drip in that bed
You scumbag, you maggot
You cheap lousy faggot
Happy Christmas your arse
I pray God it's our last

The boys of the NYPD choir
Were singing "Galway Bay"
And the bells were ringing out
For Christmas day

I could have been someone
Well so could anyone
You took my dreams from me
When I first found you
I kept them with me babe
I put them with my own
Can't make it all alone
I've built my dreams around you

The boys of the NYPD choir
Were singing "Galway Bay"
And the bells were ringing out
For Christmas day

R.I.P. Grandma

Sucky Garfield is going on temporary hiatus... my grandmother passed away this morning, so I'm flying down to Florida in the morning (if weather permits) and will be there until the middle of next week.

She lived a very long, full life (she would have turned 91 in February), and she's had some severe health problems of late, so the news wasn't entirely unexpected. And I'm fortunate that I got to spend time with her over Thanksgiving weekend. Still, that doesn't dull the hurt. I'll miss her immensely.

My sincere thanks to everybody who has passed along their condolences.

Sucky Garfield (#14 of 20)


Yesterday a friend asked me if I had any drawings with Odie. Ask and you shall receive.
In retrospect, I should have done more of them... my Odies are significantly better than my Garfields.
I like that Garfield is bustin' ghosts in the nude in this one... and that I erased my first attempt at the title to make sure it was dead-center. Oh, and to avoid confusion, the thing beneath Odie is the ghost trap (does it have an actual name in the film?).

Sucky Garfield (#13 of 20)


My most action-packed drawing yet! The fire! The bullet holes! The bellowing smoke! Can you feel the heat?
On the other hand, I've never seen a fighter jet with a gun mounted on the nose like this one... and the parachute seems pretty small to hold up a man of that size... ... and the burning plane and ejected pilot seem to be falling at the same speed... and Garfield's jet is on the verge of colliding with both plane and pilot... and why is the downed pilot so happy? He's about to plummet to his death... or at least get reamed out for losing this battle. So much for realism.

Sucky Garfield (#12 of 20)


Cowabunga! Or should I say Cat-abunga! (how did I miss that joke years ago?)
It seems that the only mutations caused by the ooze are excessively long fingernails and toenails (and of course a giant floppy penis/tail). I also don't know that I've ever seen a building so tall and yet so narrow as the one on the far right - poor architectural design. And would it have killed me to drawn a defeated member of the Foot Clan to show off Garfield's awesome ass-kicking abilities? So many regrets...

Sucky Garfield (#11 of 20)


Horror, yet again. Incredibly I've never actually seen Shocker despite my love affair with Wes Craven. But this drawing sticks pretty close to the source material, even working in the tag line (although based on Garfield's expression, he still seems pretty nice to me). I don't know why I even bother trying to draw humans in these things... they always end up a disaster (his head is 1/3 the size of his arm). And I'm fairly certain that electric chairs don't also send electricity to wrists and feet. But on the plus side, I've never been prouder of a font.

Sucky Garfield (#10 of 20)


Look at how creatively minimalist I got with the birds. If only I'd carried that minimalism over to other, um, "parts" of the drawing. Welcome back, floppy-penis Garfield!
I wonder what made me erase my first attempt at Garfield's head. Upon closer inspection, his ears were a bit too big and pointy. It's good to see I had standards.

Sucky Garfield (#9 of 20)


Talk about a rush job... I clearly mailed this one in. What a dinky little bow, to go along with the dinky little tree (unless Robin Cat is Paul Bunyan-sized). I was even too lazy to draw a line to differentiate his pants from his shoes. Or maybe he's wearing tights with no shoes... hmm. Well, they can't all be winners.

Sucky Garfield (#8 of 20)


The color, man! The color! That sure is some red blood. I guess I really felt the need to emphasize what a bad-ass Garfield Myers is. Now if only I could figure out why I drew him with no eyeballs, rather than with the Halloween mask.
And this seems to be the worst offender by far of the tail-looking-like-a-giant-Dirk-Diggler-sized-floppy-dick.
But what a cool font in the title.

Sucky Garfield (#7 of 20)


Let me first state that I HATE STAR TREK (I also hate Star Wars, but that's another rant for another time). So I'm not sure why I did a Star Trek-themed Garfield, and also not sure why it's the most detailed one of all.
I hate to brag, but I nailed all of the characters: Scotty's beard, Kirk's chair, Spocks' ears, and Sulu's, um, Asian eyes (no eyelids... eesh). And note the detail in the teleportation machine, and whatever control panel the woman is using (I don't know her name and can't be bothered to look it up). This must have taken at least an hour.
Oh, and to avoid any confusion, this is actually two drawings... the top half is the outer view of the USS Lasagna, and the bottom half is the inner view.

Sucky Garfield (#6 of 20)


What else was I obsessed with in elementary school? Ernest! For some reason my dad loved him, too. Together we saw Ernest Goes to Camp, Ernest Goes to Jail, Ernest Rides Again, and the holiday classic Ernest Saves Christmas, which is the subject of today's drawing.
No, that's not a dinosaur... it's clearly a (very unhappy) reindeer, based on its hooves and antlers. Why just one and not eight? Too much work. Apparently it was also too much work to put presents in the sleigh, or a harness on the reindeer, or the speech bubble for Garfield to say "ho ho ho" (which I'm assuming is why his mouth is wide open). And Earth may not be 100% round but how about those realistic-looking continents?

Here is Urban Dictionary's definition of flid:
A widely used insult in England, i dont know about America its probably there too. It is quite an extreme insult, most people dont like it (obviously), means spasticated or retarded.
It comes from the German drug* that was used in the 60's to help calm the side effects of pregnancy, but sometimes caused physical abnormalities in the baby. A flid is actually originally a person with no arms and legs.

And here is a trailer for the upcoming film, Kung Fu Flid:



Horribly offensive? You bet.
Horribly entertaining? Ditto.

* Note: That drug is Thalidomide.

Sucky Garfield (#5 of 20)


Q: What the hell is Cat-Devil?
A: A parody of She-Devil.
Q: What the hell is She-Devil?
A: It was a comedy starring Meryl Streep and Rosanne Barr.
Q: Why would the greatest actress of our generation agree to be in a movie with Roseanne Barr?
A: Got me.
Q: Have I even seen She-Devil?
A: Of course not.
Q: Does this drawing have anything whatsoever to do with the movie?
A: Based on this trailer, not one iota.

Sucky Garfield (#4 of 20)


Confused about this one? I know I would be. It's a parody of License to Kill. And see, it's Garfield's actual license to kill. With blood on it, because he's been killing people. Very literal, I know.
Cheers for this one: the facial expression of the guy getting shot, and the smoke coming from Garfield's gun.
Jeers for this one: the title. I definitely go overboard trying to work "Cat" into titles (look closely to see that I originally had License to Kill before erasing Kill for Cat).

Sucky Garfield (#3 of 20)


Oh man, I've forever tarnished the memory of one of my all-time favorite movies, Rocky IV.* But at least I added some color to my work... what realistic blood!
I have no idea why I have Rocky fighting Apollo here, rather than Ivan Drago. I'm sure that when I drew this, I had seen Rocky IV at least a dozen times. And I can't remember if the circles surrounding the ring are supposed to be lights or the heads of people in the audience. And the guy ringing the bell is tiny for some reason, but with giant Popeye-ish arms. Yet even with all those problems, this is hardly my most embarrassing work.

Oh, and I should have mentioned this sooner (although I'm sure most of you already figured this out), but you can click on each picture to enlarge it for all of the stunning detail.

* I saw Rocky IV in the theaters with my sister (who is four years older than I am), and she burst out crying when (SPOILER ALERT!!!) Apollo died. I have yet to let her live that down.

I just got an e-mail with the greatest subject line of all time...

Wait for it...

Ready?

Hammer wants to keep up with you on Twitter

Yes, MC Hammer wants to keep in touch with me! On Twitter! The 1990 version of me would be so proud. (Technically so would the December 2, 2008 version)

Sucky Garfield (#2 of 20)


Oof, this one is a disaster, and it definitely needs explanation. See, it's Garfield and a friend (which I'm guessing was supposed to be a monkey of some sort, although I can't be sure, because it looks nothing like a monkey of any sort), swinging from vines of a tree. I'm not sure if the other creature is holding onto the vine with its paw or its tail. Garfield's tail looks like a giant floppy penis. The non-vined tree is either really small or Garfield is really big. And if you look closely, you can see I originally titled it Ape Man before erasing Ape and writing Cat.
On the plus side, good for me for putting knotholes in the trees. How's that for attention to detail?

Sucky Garfield (#1 of 20)
I'm back in NYC after a week in Florida. There's nothing like a week of relaxation being completely erased by a nightmare at Fort Lauderdale airport, when your flight is delayed four hours due to storms up and down the East Coast. Then after finally boarding, the flight attendant had the audacity to make this announcement (quoted verbatim):
"JFK Airport has put a stop on all incoming flights, so we will not be able to depart for at least another hour. But I figured you all would rather be sitting on the plane rather than in the stuffy terminal."
Yes, because everybody prefers cramped seats and recirculated air to wide-open spaces, wi-fi, food courts, and bathrooms. Duh.

As promised, today is the start of a new series on LSTT: Sucky Garfield (sucky title, I know). For some reason when I was nearing the end of elementary school, I was obsessed with Garfield. So I started to draw parody movie posters featuring Garfield in the starring role. This, despite the fact that I clearly had no artistic talent whatsoever. They would often include "clever" title changes (as you will find out in the coming days). I uncovered a folder of 20 of these drawings, and I will post one a day, along with select commentary.

Since today is Monday, I'm starting with Monday the 13th. I was also obsessed with horror movies back then, so you'll see that a lot of them are based on slasher flicks. This one isn't that embarrassing, but it's a pretty crappy drawing. Apparently Garfield doesn't have to actually grasp the knife... it just sort of floats next to his fingers. Also not only can I not draw Garfield (or severed body parts), but I can't draw the letter Y or the number 3 in box lettering. Sigh.

YouTube Live is officially a thing of the past. Despite the many headaches suffered making it, the show seems to have been a success. I hear we broke the record for most simultaneous streams of any event in the history of the internet, got more than 4 million viewers during the event, and more than 15 million video views to the on-demand section since it ended. If you missed anything, you can catch up here.

I'm now down in Florida with my parents, trying to relax a bit. I could use a good 3 week vacation right about now. Alas, that's not gonna happen. At least I get to watch 3 football games today.

Speaking of which, I will forever hate the Denver Broncos. I picked them last week in my $165,000 suicide pool. How did they let Oakland score 31 points? They'd scored 4 touchdowns in their last 7 games! Fuck the Broncos. FUCK THE BRONCOS!

Oh, and yes, I will begin fulfilling the promise made in my 5th birthday post. Starting December 1. Check back then.

Happy Thanksgiving, one and all.

I leave for San Francisco on Sunday to get ready for YouTube Live. The show has slowly taken shape. There's still a lot to be done, and a lot of holes to fill. But the show may just turn out okay.

A bunch of YouTube community members who are taking part have created short promo videos for the event. Here are my favorites:

Charlie the Unicorn is back, at long last


Mr. "Chocolate Rain" Tay Zonday needs your money


This one from LisaNova is just surreal

Ugh, my love affair with free food at the Google building has come to a screeching halt. After enjoying 90% of today's lunch, an eclectic mix of dishes from the British West Indies, I discovered a hair in my Shrimp Pilau. It was short, black, and somewhat curvy. Could have been pubic, but not necessarily.

Needless to say, my reaction went something like this:

Happy 5th Birthday Last Stop: This Town!


First? You mean only.

Other well-wishers? What other well-wishers?

There's too much happening today for people to notice. It's Guy Fawkes Night. It's Kevin Jonas, Famke Janssen, Corin Nemic (Parker Lewis), Art Garfunkel, and Robert Patrick's birthdays. It's the 20th anniversary of "Kokomo" hitting #1. And of course it's day one of President-elect Barack Obama's transition to getting the US back on track.

Plus nobody reads this site anymore. Not that I blame them... I hardly ever post anymore. As always, I blame it on an incredibly hectic schedule (YouTube Live is now just 17 days away, and happening four hours before the release of Chinese Democracy... what a weekend!). But I promise that I have something good planned once things ease up at the end of November. It will coincide with my upcoming trip to parents' house for Thanksgiving. If you enjoyed my stash of embarrassment from the last time I went down there, you'll want to check back.

Anyway, thanks to anyone and everyone who's ever read and/or commented on this site. I can't believe it's been five years.

And here's the video for the song that was #1 on the day I turned 5.



Update: How could I forget... both Bryan Adams and arch-enemy Ryan Adams are celebrating birthdays today too.

Today's lunch at the Google cafeteria was catered by Peter Luger. That's right... PETER FUCKING LUGER! Porterhouse, lamb chops, creamed spinach, fried German potatoes, Caesar salad, shrimp cocktail... and all free, and all-you-can-eat. But my celebration might be short-lived... this news came out today (yes, I am a contractor). And then Google closed a cafeteria in their San Fran office. I'm only here another three weeks... hopefully the free meals last that long.

Also, here's a bunch of weird stuff I ran across on the internet today...
- "Hit a Jew Day" and "Hit a Tall Person Day"? I would've gotten destroyed at this school.

- Yeah, no wonder this girl is smiling (although I've never in my life seen anybody smile like the "before" photo. And why isn't the girl in the ad Asian?)

- I wish I'd seen this lesson on "Not-Okay Touching" years ago... would've saved me more than a few problems.


- Matt Stairs likes to have his ass hammered.

He's Baaaaaaaaack!
All hail the return of Terry Tate!



While all of his videos are great, I think this is my favorite:

Now I don't want to call Anderson Cooper a liar, per se. But after watching this Videogum video of his chat with Kelly Ripa, I have to call his bluff. For you see, I was also at this Prince concert. And there are many holes in his story.
1) There were closer to 200 people in the room
2) Prince didn't play until 4:30am... the concert ended a few minutes before 4am.
3) Prince didn't play for 3 1/2 hours... he got on-stage at 1:05am, which means he played for less than 3 hours, including a 10-minute intermission*
And most importantly...
4) Anderson left right around the intermission. I watched him walk out and not return. So how could he know the truth about points 2 & 3?

Sorry Anderson, I still think you're great.

* The intermission featured some not-good "stand-up" from Dave Chapelle, who realized he couldn't curse in front of Prince the stout Jehovah's Witness and therefore apparently had very little usable material. I don't blame him, of course... he was spontaneously asked to kill time until Prince returned, and therefore he didn't prepare any material. Plus it's certainly no easy job to follow Prince. I just expect more from him

Well, it seems to be official: Chinese Democracy is coming out on November 23. I know, I'll believe it when I see it too... but this really does seem promising. And we'll all get a free Dr. Pepper too!

Out of curiosity, I typed in "chinese democracy" into Google's early days search engine, which recreates a search from January 2001. Amazingly, the results (of which there are 5,180) are mostly about democracy in China. Guns N Roses doesn't show up until the 9th link. Whereas today, the first result (of which there are 1.2 million) is the album's Wikipedia page. Also, back in January 2001 Wikipedia had a whopping 6,000 articles (with no entry on Chinese Democracy or even Guns N Roses) and looked like this.

My new project has finally been officially made public... I'm head writer for YouTube Live, a 90-minute music / comedy / variety show streaming live on YouTube on Nov. 22. I've been working on it for three weeks now, out of the Google Building, which is as incredible as everyone says: two cafeterias serving three free meals a day (recent dishes have included black-truffle mac & cheese, pan-seared scallops, and bacon cheeseburger egg rolls), game rooms with pool and ping-pong and video games, shower rooms, massage rooms, nap rooms... I could probably get away with subletting my apartment and living here for the next 8 weeks. Hmm...

If anyone has any suggestions for the show, or under-the-radar YouTube clips you think should be honored, feel free to let me know.

And the winner of the least-surprising headline of the day is...
Dexy's Midnight Runners Bassist Broke

A co-worker (female, early 20s) commutes to NYC from Connecticut each day. On Wednesday night she had bought a sandwich at Primo Cappuccino in Penn Station and took it with her on her train. Before the train had left the station, she unwrapped the sandwich and ripped it in half, only to find a dead cockroach inside. A middle-aged man sitting next to her noticed that she'd become visibly upset and insisted that the two of them go back to Primo Cappuccino to complain. So they got off the train and showed the evidence to the Primo employees, who denied any responsibility, saying that the food arrives pre-prepared from a distributor. At first they refused to give her money back, but after a solid argument from the middle-aged man, they offered a refund and gave the phone number for the distributor's headquarters.
What surprises me most about this story is not that she found a cockroach in food purchased at Penn Station, or that she encountered surly employees, but that a man volunteered to miss his train home and wait 45 minutes for the next one to help a total stranger get $4 back, simply out of the kindness of his heart. I know I never would have made such an offer, and I would guess that such a response would not even occur to 99 out of 100 people. Good to know there are still kind people in NYC. I guess they live in Connecticut.

The other day, Miami Arena was blown to bits. That's the building where I saw my very first concert: Billy Joel on his Storm Front Tour. I also saw R.E.M. there. And Elton John. And Tom Petty, in 2nd-row seats I had won through VH1 (I remember asking my sister "What's that funny smell?"). I had courtside seats to a Heat vs. Bulls game and got to pass a ball that landed in my lap to Michael Jordan. I went to the inaugural Florida Panthers home game. But it was a shitty venue in a shitty part of Miami, and it had been rendered obsolete in 2000 by the nearby American Airlines Arena, much as it had rendered the Hollywood Sportatorium (a legendarily bad venue with an amazing name) obsolete back in 1988. Still, it's kind of sad that a piece of my childhood is gone.

The new batch of Rock & Roll Hall of Fame nominees were announced today, and only 1 of the 10 I recently posted about were included (good luck Metallica). I'll certainly not be buying any lotto tickets this week.

Things I learned Friday night while riding atop a touristy double-decker bus during a friend's birthday celebration:
- Brooklyn is "where the young people live"
- It is cheaper to rent an apartment on the Lower East Side than in Midtown
- Years ago, many LES people sold "fruit, vegetables, and pastry right in the street!"
- Tall people riding atop a double-decker bus are in serious danger of smacking their head on a streetlight if they are not careful
- Double-decker bus tour guides are well-versed not only in New York history, but also in high finance, and they are more than willing to offer financial advise free of charge
- Sections of Vinegar Hill in Brooklyn smell really, really bad
- The TLC song "Waterfalls" is still surprisingly popular among my acquaintances, although very few actually remember the lyrics
- It's really not as embarrassing for NYC residents to ride around in a double-decker bus as one might think... at least when booze is involved

Overheard in New York
"... it was at 3:15 am. That's 3:15 in the morning! Who dies at 3:15 in the morning?"
- construction worker on W. 15th St.

I Don't Like Mondays
What a sad way to start off the week...
- David Foster Wallace has committed suicide. I got turned on to Infinite Jest when I did a semester in Scotland during the spring of 2000 (he's much bigger in the UK than he is here), and I read every page and footnote of that book. It's a masterpiece. If you don't have time to devote to all 1,100 pages, at least read his breathtaking essay on Roger Federer. And also read this NY Times tribute to him, which is better than anything I could write about him.
- Pink Floyd keyboard player Richard Wright has passed away from cancer. So I guess there never will be a proper reunion.
- TRL will be going off the air November 15. I spent three years there, and it was my first real writing job. For all of the smack I've talked about it, I did really enjoy working there. The show may be past its prime, but it's still the end of an era.

On a positive note, apparently my K-Rock Your Rock playlist was voted the best of the week. They've rewarded me with "the respect he deserves." It's about time. If you voted for me, thank you.

With Metallica's new album coming out this week, I started wondering why they were not first-ballot inductees into the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame. Which got me thinking about the Hall, and how arbitrary it seems to be. So even though it was a major waste of time, here are 10 eligible artist I think should be inducted (in no specific order), based more on merit than on my actual taste:
1) Metallica: This is the "rock and roll" hall of fame, isn't it? And over the past 25 years, there have been few "rock and roll" bands to make as big an impact, both commercially and stylistically. They started as one of the "Big Four" of thrash metal, then evolved into heavy metal, and then just hard rock. They're one of the biggest bands in the world. They've sold almost 100 million albums worldwide. They've won 7 Grammys. Master of Puppets and their self-titled albums are considered classics. I think it's a pretty clear-cut case.
2) Janet Jackson: As far as R&B singers go, she may not pack the same punch as Aretha. But according to Billboard (via an unlinked Wikipedia note), she's the 9th-most-successful artist in rock and roll history (I find that kind of hard to believe). Despite her train-wreck moments, she did pave the way for Whitney, and later Mariah.
3) Weird Al Yankovic: Hear me out. The Hall should be honoring artists who revolutionized or defined their genres. As far as musical parody goes, nobody comes close to Weird Al.
4) The Cure: The godfathers of goth rock. And they're still releasing solid music and playing sold-out arenas around the world. They've had their lulls, but who hasn't?
5) Neil Diamond*: Sure, he may be a total ham, and his version of The Jazz Singer is a travesty, and I friggin' HATE when people yell "so good! so good! so good!" during the chorus of "Sweet Caroline." But his longevity and output are almost unmatched, and you can't deny how good his early material is. "Solitary Man"? "Cherry Cherry"? "Girl You'll Be a Woman Soon"? Killer songs. Maybe his Rick Rubin-led revival will cause voters to give him a second look.
6) T-Rex: Again, this is about an artist that revolutionized a genre. They may not have been as successful as Bowie or Alice Cooper, but they ushered in the era of glam rock. Give them the same respect given to punk pioneers the Sex Pistols.
7) Genesis: I never understood how Traffic made the cut while Genesis didn't. Is it because Traffic disbanded while Genesis turned pop? I don't think that's fair. Genesis simply evolved with the times. Releasing another The Lamb Lies Down on Broadway instead of Invisible Touch in 1986 would've been a disaster. Plus the fact that they made the "Land of Confusion" video should gain them access in and of itself.
8) Heart: While I love their music, this pick is less about that and more about the fact that they are women. Sounds sexist, sure. But few women were able to break into the male-dominated rock world in the 70s, and I think that deserves some credit.
9) The Zombies: Here's where it gets a bit personal. Cause yeah, I've come to think of Odyssey and Oracle as the greatest album of all time. Their success was short-lived, and not very big commercially. But if the Dave Clark Five can get in without releasing anything that comes close to O&O, so should The Zombies.
10) Sonic Youth: Would the alternative movement have happened without them? I say no.

And here are 5 more that I wanted to put on the list, but just couldn't justify…
- Def Leppard
- Joan Jett
- The Smiths
- Willie Nelson
- Iggy Pop
Now feel free to rip me a new one.

* Note: I went to see Neil Diamond play at the Garden a few weeks ago*… I got (ridiculously good) seats through my seat-filler program. My friend and I were surrounded by about 16,000 of my parents, including an older woman who shushed us because she was "trying to listen to the music." I bet Neil could've had his way with any single woman in the arena that night. The show couldn't have been hokier, and it ranked up there with the funniest experiences of my life. But he certainly sounded great. And these days, he sort of looks like a cross between Billy Bob Thornton and Bob Dole.

* Note on the note: On my way home I was racing to catch the subway at Penn Station and got trapped behind an old couple lallygagging up the stairs. I managed to get around them and get my foot between the doors just as they began to close. They reopened, and I made it on the train, along with a few other people, including the old couple. As the train left the station, it lurched a bit, and the old couple tumbled to the ground, with the man hitting his head on the metal door between cars and his wife landing on top of him. The wife started sobbing (more out of shock than anything else) and was helped up, but the husband lay dazed on the floor. When he finally got up, blood was pouring from his scalp. Somebody asked him if he was okay, and when he answered, blood started pouring from his mouth. His wife was screaming "Oh my god, he's a diabetic!" When we got to Times Square, people told him to stay on the train while they got help, but he insisted on walking onto the platform, followed by his wife. Some onlookers managed to track down an MTA employee, and the paramedics were called in to help. Meanwhile, a woman on the train began yelling at the other passengers, saying most of us were just "standing around starin' at the guy like a fool."
Anyway, the whole thing was basically my fault, because if I hadn't caught the train, none of this would've happened. Sorry!

Two of my good friends, Joel Solomon and Elliott Phear, wrote a script a few years ago called Foreign Exchange. It's a high-school comedy in the vein of American Pie. And it's out on DVD today.

I should inform you that the script was extensively re-written during production to make it much raunchier... just assume that any funny moments were from my friends' original draft. Also it stars Jennifer Coolidge, Booger from Revenge of the Nerds, and Clint Howard, so it's gotta have its moments (despite it also starring Ryan Pinkston). And I've seen the first 10 minutes, which were better than the first 10 minutes of Soul Plane.

Some quick thoughts on last night's VMAs…
- Why did MTV suck up to Britney so much? Careers crest and fall, and Britney's has clearly fallen. It's not like MTV owes her anything… yes, she's given them plenty of memorable moments over the years, but would she have even had a career without MTV? She certainly got more from MTV than MTV got from her. It's disappointing, because awarding her those Moonmen reiterates people's complaints that MTV really doesn't care as much about music as they do about moments.
- Russell Brand had some decent jokes in his opening monologue, but the focus on politics seemed very out of place. MTV still caters mostly to teenage girls, who certainly didn't tune in to hear about the election or Levi Johnston. Right material, wrong audience.
- The backlot setting was hit or miss. Liked it for Pink, not for Jonas Brothers (most people say it looked like Sesame Street, I say it looked like a cross between 227 and the Stones' "Waiting on a Friend" video).
- The best part of the Jonas performance was the start of the fan stampede. Thousands of girls, and one overly-excited guy (he's wearing a blue shirt and runs right in front of the camera at the 2:09 mark).
- I did enjoy seeing genuine excitement from Tokio Hotel when they won Best New Artist. The other speeches were all identically boring. Thank God, thank fans, thank label, blah blah blah.
- How did the Pussycat Dolls' "When I Grow Up" win an award? It's unquestionably the worst song of 2008… so far, at least. I haven't heard the rest of their upcoming album (nor do I plan to). And I haven't listened to the new NKOTB song "Sexify My Love," which could compete if it's as bad as the title.
- Can't Paris Hilton do anything right? Look at the camera that has the teleprompter with words written on it. Then read those words.
- I would've bet a lot of money that Michael Phelps listened to Guns N Roses, Def Leppard, and Motley Crue before his races instead of Jay-Z, Eminem, and Lil Wayne. And I would've lost.
- Was it just me, or could you not hear Travis drumming all during LL Cool J's performance? LL kept asking for drum fills, and I could see Travis banging away, but couldn't actually hear the fills. How is that possible?
- MTV, everyone knows you make Rock Band 2… you don't need to force in the worst product placement EVER to remind us.
- How do Lil Wayne's low-hanging jeans not fall to his ankles when he runs around? Are they safety-pinned to his unmentionables?
- Hey Kid Rock, it's cool that you don't lip-sync. But don't brag too much... you only managed to score a hit single by mashing up two classic songs. Not much skill to that either... unless you're Girl Talk or the Kleptones.

A couple weeks ago, while bored at work, I submitted a Your Rock playlist to 92.3 K-Rock. The theme was "songs with negative words in the title" (such as Garbage's "Stupid Girl" and Nine Inch Nails' "Terrible Lie," to name two of the ten). Over the weekend I got an e-mail that they'll be playing my list* today during the 4pm hour. It's also one of the five nominees for best of the day... if you feel like voting for me (on the right side of this page), knock yourself out... I don't think that the winners get anything except respect, but I'll take a bit of respect.

* Note that K-Rock has the power to remove or even replace songs at their discretion, so all of the songs might not actually be mine.

Wow, has it really been like 6 weeks since my last post? Sigh, it has. So hard to get motivated to post these days. But here's something that finally did motivate me...

My Emmy arrived yesterday!

It took 10 weeks, not the 6-8 they promised, but at least they spelled my name correctly. Now I just need to figure out a place to put it, as my apartment has neither a mantle nor a toilet tank (which have been the two most common suggestions).

Also of note, I was able to use this win to come up with my favorite fantasy football team name yet: MyEmmy Dolphins.

Overheard on the Subway
"Remember that time I argued that paper should be on the periodic table? Because there's regular paper, and Liquid Paper, and if you put Liquid Paper in a microwave, it would probably turn into a gas."
- female high school student talking to a male high-school student wearing a periodic table t-shirt

First, some sports-related thoughts...

- Brett Favre needs to grow up and stop being a bitch. He dug his own grave. If he weren’t sure he wanted to retire, he should have waited. But he shouldn’t get upset at the Packers for moving on. If he does decide to come back, essentially the Packers have benched him. It happens to older players when there are younger players in the wings. That’s no reason to throw a hissy fit. And why is it okay for him to be selfish and demand a release because that’s what’s best for him, but it’s not okay for the Packers to want to get something in a trade because that’s what’s best for them?

- I really didn’t want to stay up watching the All-Star Game until 1:45 in the morning, but I did… in the hope that they would actually run out of pitchers. Really it’s the managers’ own faults (especially Francona). Why do they burn through pitchers so quickly during All- Star games? Let them pitch 2-3 innings, not just 1. Not every single player has to play. Isn’t it just an honor to be there?

And now some random thoughts...

- One of my friends sent me this link. Now I really want a Ruck the Vote t-shirt.

- I also really want this zombie garden sculpture. Oh, and I’d like a garden or a lawn.

- The dating show I recently worked on, You Rock, Let's Roll, premiered on Monday. Feel free to watch it weekdays on Fuse at 6pm, 11pm, or 1am.

Some quick notes as I consider to rue the decision to continue a game of beer pong with SoCo after the 4th of July party I was at ran out of beer...
- My Emmy is already starting to pay off: I've been deemed worthy of a Gothamist interview. Although I'm regretting giving my approval to that photo...
- Our good friend over at The Sticking Point has at long last posted his first podcast... or as he calls it, a Pointcast. Give it a listen.
- I, along with some other former workers on the now-deceased Fuse daily show The Sauce, will be part of The Rejection Show on Wednesday. Sorry for the short notice, but I didn't realize I was part of it until today. Feel free to drop by if you've got no plans.
- Was my edition of The Borough Standings so bad that Time Out NY discontinued it? Or did they get so annoyed by my complaining that they discontinued it? Either way, there have been 3 issues since then and no Borough Standings. Sorry to those who liked that feature.

Wow, I can't believe it's July already. I've been so swamped with work over the past month... last Saturday was my first real day off since June 8. But now that things have calmed down a bit, it's time for some updates...

- Thanks to everyone for their congratulations on the Daytime Emmy. I just this morning received an e-mail on how to claim my statue. It costs $325 and takes 6-8 weeks to arrive, but it will be engraved, which I was not expecting. Kind of pricey, but worth the money, methinks.

- The reason I've been so busy is because I've been writing for a new Fuse dating show called You Rock, Let's Roll. It's similar to The Dating Game, but the pickers are music lovers and the contestants are musicians (in a very loose sense of the word). Despite the extreme work and stress, it actually turned out much better than I had anticipated. It premieres July 14th at 6pm, but don't feel obligated to watch.

- Also thanks to You Rock, Let's Roll, I'm now the proud owner of the World's Biggest Piano Mat! Although I'm highly dubious of their claim.

- Last night a group of co-workers and I went to the Brother Jimmy's on 32nd St. for all-you-can-eat rib tips, hot wings, and beer. When we were done I split a cab uptown with a co-worker, and who should step out of the cab we had hailed? Lance Bass (and his manager), looking spiffy in a suit. And he walked right into Brother Jimmy's, presumably also for rib tips, hot wings, and beer. The cab driver informed us that he had picked them up at Lincoln Center, although he had no idea who Lance Bass or N'Sync were (but he did vaguely remember Bass trying to buy his way onto a space shuttle). My co-worker was very excited to be sitting in Lance Bass's "ass warmth." She was more than slightly intoxicated.

- I'm probably very late to the party, but FailBlog is my new favorite website. Check it out.

- Last Wednesday night I saw Pearl Jam at MSG. Amazing, amazing concert. I was sitting behind the stage, 4 rows up (very cool perspective being able to watch all the fans on the floor, who knew every single word to every single song, and also being able to watch Eddie drink 3 full bottles of wine over the course of the show). Good thing I hadn't been in the fifth row, because about 10 minutes before PJ hit the stage, the people behind me suddenly realized they'd been splashed. Not by water, or beer, or soda. But by vomit. Good times.

- And finally, why does Heath Ledger's Joker look so much like Brandon Lee's Crow?

Amazing that it's taken me so long to share this bit of good news (I've been pulling 15-hour days at work lately), but... I'm officially a Daytime Emmy winner!
Yup, Cash Cab pulled a major upset over Jeopardy (and, to a lesser extent, the Drew Carey-hosted Price Is Right) to win Outstanding Game/Audience Participation Show at the Creative Awards given out on Friday night. As I was stuck at work that night, I had to watch the show on an online stream. Here's the moment of glory:



Whoever wrote Oscar's copy deserves and Emmy of his/her own.
It's a great feeling, and an unexpected one. Maybe I should have been more confident that we would prevail. After all, my mom kept telling me she had "a funny feeling it would win." And if you can't trust your own mother's funny feelings, who can you trust?

Let Me Explain...
For those of you who read The Borough Standings in the printed issue of this week's Time Out New York, yes, that was me (and the other Fuse writer, Jon Murray, one of the creators of The Fuxedo) who wrote them. But in trying to shorten the first joke (Brooklyn), they basically took out the punchline. I e-mailed the editor to ask them to revise it to the online version, which they did... it can be found here. This version is better, but still not quite right. So since I have this forum at my disposal, here's the joke as we originally submitted it:
A 34-year-old woman who attempted suicide by jumping off the Brooklyn Bridge survived without a scratch on her body. But she did contract syphilis, scabies, and gonorrhea from swimming in the East River.

One last keepsake brought from home... my very own baseball card!
Sort of.
When I was 7 years old, an amusement park named Boardwalk & Baseball opened a few hours from my house. I never went, but according to reports, it was a crummy park and a spectacular financial failure.
In 1987, my sister went to the park on a school field trip, and she had a personalized baseball card made up for me. Here it is (front and back):

(click to enlarge)

When she gave it to me, she expected it to be a huge hit. And it probably would have been, had she not fucked it up in the following ways:
- My birthday is 8/17/79, not 6/17/79
- My favorite team was (and still is) the New York Yankees, not the New York Mets
- The photo should've featured me in a baseball uniform (or at least doing something even vaguely athletic), not a geeky polo shirt.
She has tried to argue that most people got their photo taken at the park, where they could physically put on baseball uniforms for the camera, and since I wasn't there in person, she had to bring a photo with her. I argue back that I had definitely played Little League baseball by that point, and I'm sure there had been photographic evidence of it, so she should've brought one of those photos with her.
Regardless, this should go down as the lamest baseball card ever produced.
Although the stats are pretty impressive.

Big Empty
If you know me at all, you know that I was thrilled to hear Stone Temple Pilots had reunited for a summer tour. I'm planning on catching their show at the Borgata on August 9 (as an early birthday celebration), but after news of Saturday's Return of the Rock trickles out, I wonder if they'll make it that far.
Earlier today some co-workers were discussing the weekend's concert, at which STP apparently started the show an hour and a half late... and when they did finally play, Weiland was so wasted that he kept screwing up the words. I thought they had to be exaggerating, so I did some research.
This NY Times article backs up the claim of Weiland's sub-par performance.
This Opie & Anthony sound clip describes the wild backstage antics leading up to the performance.
Come on Scott, keep it together...

Another 8th-grade journal entry that makes me want to bury my head in the sand. This is the last entry, and I don't know if a greater example exists in the history of mankind of a writer being a bigger suck-ass. If I could go back in time to November 1992, I'd smack my younger self upside the head as I was writing this.
At least the third paragraph is true. Well, except for the "cherish" part... it's more like "loathe."

(click to enlarge)

Oh man, this one really makes me cringe. It's from a "journal" I had to keep in my 8th-grade English class. Each week the teacher would give us the topic to write about. As you can see, Entry #3 was Did It Really Happen.
This is painful for several reasons...
1) This story is completely made up (shocker). Yes, my family and I did take a trip through the National Parks, but that's where the truth ends and the fiction begins.
2) Considering I was in 8th grade at the time, my writing and grasp of language are atrocious. I can't imagine anyone reading this at the time could've predicted I'd become a professional writer.
3) Even back then, I was throwing in lame "ba dum dum" jokes. Head lice? Ugh...

(click to enlarge)

Let's jump ahead to 10th grade...

Here's the first page of an essay on illegal immigration. Solid research, strong facts, mediocre writing at best. But that opening paragraph... eesh. Talk about forcing in a reference to one of my favorite movies (throughout high school and college I would thrive off of opening essays with movie, TV, or musical references... they are nice space-fillers).
Oh yeah, and it verges on being racist.
But at least it got me a 9+ out of 10. Thanks, Mr. Pratt!

(click to enlarge)

When I was in 5th grade, everyone in our class had to write a poem about something they liked. These poems would be bound together into a book and distributed to each student, so that everyone's parents could read everyone else's poems.
Some people wrote about football, some about chess. One wrote about horseback riding. One about church. One about cartooning. One about the American flag.
What did I write about?
Money.
When I brought home the book to show my parents, they were horrified. Turns out they'd raised a spoiled brat. How embarrassing for them.
I can remember liking the poem at the time, and being proud of the detailed drawing of the $5 bill (including the serial number and Lincoln's beard). Now I think it looks like it was done by a psycho killer. Not so proud anymore.

(click on it to enlarge)

It's been a while since I put any real effort into this site. Lately I've found it hard to get motivated to post, and I'm not sure why. But this weekend I was down in Florida for a family reunion to celebrate my grandma's 90th birthday, and while at home I dug through a box of old yearbooks, papers, keepsakes, and other miscellaneous items. Some of these things are just too embarrassing not to share. So I'll begin posting my favorites later today. Check back periodically for updates (honestly I'll probably do one a day, so you don't have to check back that often)

Go TypeRacer!
I haven't seen the new Speed Racer move, so I can't give a firsthand opinion about how badly it sucks. But I can assume with a fair amount of certainty that this TypeRacer game is infinitely more entertaining, and significantly cheaper.
Although what the hell kind of psycho can type 214 words per minute?

View from the Top
The view from my apartment is slowly but surely disappearing.
For the past 10 months, construction crews have been diligently erecting a luxury highrise (The Harrison) directly across the street. This obviously annoyed me and my roommate, but on the positive (or at least not negative) side, we heard that the building would stand 16 stories. We live on the 17th floor of my building, so we expected to keep this view of the skyline (and the JCC pool directly in our sightline):

However, the other day I noticed that the stories in The Harrison are slightly taller than the ones in my building.

It's hard to tell from the perspective in this photo, but The Harrison's 8 floors are the equivalent of my 10. So when it hits 16, it will unquestionably be taller than my window.
Goodbye NYC view. Hopefully I'll at least get to see inside some interesting people's apartments.

I found out yesterday that I've been nominated for a Daytime Emmy. Yes, Cash Cab is up for Outstanding Game / Audience Participation Show, and as a Question Producer (a.k.a. writer), that means I'm in the running. Of course I won't be going to the ceremony, and if the show wins I'll have to pay for a statuette... not that I think it will win, as it's up against the powerhouses that are Jeopardy and The Price Is Right (which actually might be more vulnerable than usual with Barker out and Drew Carey in). But the old cliche is true: it's an honor just to be nominated.

But can a Daytime Emmy really compare to the trophy that finally arrived for my friend and I winning the Fuse 2007 Fantasy Football League?

(yes, it's a bobblehead)

Wow, has it really been 3 weeks since my last post? Sorry 'bout that...

- STP is back! GnR has turned in Chinese Democracy! Axl is starring in a reality show! I think my head is about to explode!

- 2 weeks ago I went skiing for the first time up at Hunter Mountain. I can say without fear of exaggeration that I am the worst skier on the planet. After a two-hour lesson and several more hours of individual practice, I still had not mastered the art of stopping, let alone moving. It probably didn't help that I had an awful instructor and that the mountain was covered with ice rather than powder, but I think I was simply not built for skis. Balance isn't really my thing... I was never a skateboarder / roller-skater / ice-skater, and my only experience on Rollerblades let to me tearing off almost all of the skin on my right forearm (which was torn off again when the wound scabbed over the gauze, which had to be ripped off). Somehow I don't think I'll be hitting the slopes again. Also the elbow that I smashed into a patch of ice is still very tender 15 days later. Maybe I should get it looked at.

- The release of the Breeders' new album reminded me about my favorite Jimmy the Cab Driver promo:



- While we're on YouTube, I finally saw this One Day short by Michel Gondry. It stars David Cross as a walking, talking turd. That should be enough to entice you to watch.



- I just finished reading Slash's autobiography. I have to say, fairly disappointing. Most bothersome was that it seemed filled with stories that had contradictory dates or other errors. Then again, it's hard to complain about a book that tells of a time that he and Izzy were banging the same girl at the same time and Izzy accidentally shot his load on Slash's leg, prompting Slash to suggest they should get a bigger apartment.

- One last clip... this is one reason why South Park is my favorite show on TV (and why Butters is my favorite character on it):

I just started taking this lyric quiz, and it's so friggin hard that I had to give up on it for now (the lyrics to each song are given alphabetically). I got 2 out of the first 3, but this will consume hours of my life, so I'm gonna postpone for now. Good luck to anyone who does take it, though.

Also, thanks to Lindsey for pointing out this incredible Onion article.

Some Updates
1) I've started writing for The Sauce on Fuse. Monday is the first show I will have contributed to, and Tuesday is the first show I will have written. Check it out, won't you?
2) Last week I had my (pseudo) final appointment with the sleep clinic. Not because I'm cured, per se... it's just that they've done all that they can for me. And basically I'm supposed to stay on a 1am-8am sleep schedule (8:30am on weekends) for the rest of my life. Can't say that I'm thrilled about that. After all of this, I'm not exactly sure which I prefer... falling asleep in about 25 minutes but only getting 6 1/2 hours, or taking almost 2 hours to fall asleep but getting a good 8 (on days I can sleep in). But at least I don't have to go all the way to the bowels of the Bronx anymore... except for a follow-up in 3 months, which is why it was my pseudo-last visit.
3) Last night I saw Australian comedian / musician Tim Minchin's Off-Broadway show. His show is half stand-up / storytelling and half songs. People in the NYC area, I highly recommend seeing it. Here's a sample of what you can expect:

If I had any guts, I'd print up a t-shirt saying "I'm not just sure... I'm HIV Positive!"



But I don't.

(Please watch the entire season premiere)

- I'm still heartbroken over the end of The Wire. The final episode wasn't as good as the penultimate (that's second-to-last, for all the dopes out there), but I loved it anyway. Everyone I know who watches the show is heartbroken about what happens to Dukie, and I think that the scene between him and Presbo was the best of the episode. Damn, I'm gonna miss this show. Hopefully they'll release a massive DVD box set of the entire series, and hopefully someone will be nice enough to buy it for me.

- Yesterday my mom made me call her to tell her the Post and Daily News headlines about Spitzer, even though they are easily accessible online. My dad thought that the Post's "Ho No!" was very funny. So did I. My mom didn't get it.

- New York's K-Rock radio (92.3 FM) is doing a March Madness-type bracket trying to find the best rock band of all time. Here is my bracket (note that you fill it out based on the world's opinion, not your own... otherwise mine would have looked rather different). So far there have been 9 battles, and I've only picked 7 correctly, because New York-area radio listeners are apparently morons. I don't even like the White Stripes, but they should have beaten Audioslave. And for Sublime to beat Alice in Chains is sacrilege (although probably not completely unexpected, as a friend told me that a recent poll by LA's KROQ listeners ranked Sublime as the #2 band, behind only Nirvana). So no 73-inch flatscreen TV for me.

- Some fancy boutique store is offering an updated version of Hypercolor shirts... at $68 a pop. And they look really lame. Not like the original ones from the late 80s, which were cool. And to answer your question: no, I will not be buying one. Seriously. I won't. Swear to God.

- MTV is streaming the trailer for Lost Boys 2, which looks utterly atrocious. And if what's on screen isn't bad enough, there's also a horrible cover of "Cry Little Sister," one of the best movie theme songs of the 80s. I don't recommend watching it, but if you really wanna, here it is:

• MTV
• Music Videos
• MTV Shows
• Entertainment News