ByeSpace
A few weeks ago as part of a writer's test, I made a fake MySpace page for Shawn Hornbeck (the kidnapping victim who allegedly had internet access). I don't have the computer skills to create it using photoshop, so I actually registered as him and made it that way. The profile was purely for comedic purposes... it had things like:
Who I'd like to meet: My parents, the police, the FBI, my old friends from the neighborhood.
General Interests: Crying myself to sleep, keeping a diary, cowering in fear, wanting the past 4 years of my life back, planning my escape, not being kidnapped, Imo's Pizza
Television: Cops, America's Most Wanted, CSI, Prison Break. Oh, and The Simpsons is hilarious!!!
Heroes: Whoever gets me out of this hellhole.
I left the profile up in case the people I made it for still needed to look at it, but I didn't edit it and refused any friend requests I got. Then about 10 days after I posted it, I suddenly became inundated with messages; some were positive, like "you are in my prayers" and "I'm so happy you're okay!", while some were extremely negative, like "asshole, this isn't funny" and "You're a sicko, I'm reporting you to MySpace." I did not respond to any of the messages.
Finally, yesterday I got an e-mail from MySpace saying that they had deleted my account for violation of Terms of Services. They claim this is due to one of the following things:
* Nude images, sexually suggestive or violent photos
* Covering our banner ads with HTML
* Harassing other users
* You do not meet the minimum age requirement
* Spamming the classifieds, forums, bulletins, or other sections of the site
* Attempting to artificially inflate scores
* Scripting the site
My profile had none of these. True, it may not have been in the best of taste, but can they delete my site just because they don't think it's funny? What about my First Amendment rights? I was tempted to dispute the deletion, but decided it wasn't worth the trouble. But I'm still a little peeved about the whole thing.

Time for a bunch of links to fill up your day:
- Why Must I Cry? Because this is too damn funny.
- I really hope this guy is singing about British cigarettes and not homosexual men.
- Just in case anyone on the net hasn't seen this, here's the full pilot episode of Gay Robot, which is either the dumbest show ever or genius beyond comprehension. At the very least, it's funnier than the other robot sitcom, Small Wonder.
- Doing another favor for my friend's band, Valeze. Check out the video of them performing on Fearless TV.
- Here's a list of the 20 dumbest questions asked during SuperBowl Media Day. My favorite is #8.

Thoughts for the day:
- HSBC sucks. For weeks I've been getting solicitation calls from them (as many as 3 a day), which I've been avoiding by saying Brian's not home. Finally over the weekend I decided to bite the bullet and see what they wanted. Turns out that Brian Greene owes $88 on his HSBC credit card, and they want him to pay RIGHT NOW. I told them that I don't even have an HSBC account, and when they asked me to verify my birthday and last four digits of my Social Security, neither one they had on file was mine. I figured that the problem was over, but they've already called twice again today. I explained again that I already told them they have the wrong guy, and they promised to stop calling. But as I think about it, wouldn't anyone who owes money try to get out of it by saying the bank had the wrong guy? Maybe I should refer them to my String Theory doppelganger. He probably has enough money to just pay the $88 and get them to stop bothering him. Or maybe he's the guy they're looking for in the first place...
- Last night on "Out of the Box" on Q104.3, Jonathan Clarke gave one of the worst interviews I've heard in a long time. He was talking to Damon Albarn and Paul Simonon about their new group, who recorded the album The Good, The Bad, and The Queen. They have stated many times that the band doesn't have a name, even though people refer to them as the name of the album. Clarke must not have heard that, because he introduced them as from the band TGTBATQ. After they corrected him, he continued to make that mistake... in the next 10 minutes, he described the CD as the "self-titled album" and said he was here with members of "the new band, er project, TGTBATQ." Do your homework, and pay attention.
- Having the Colts favored over the Bears by 7 points in the SuperBowl seems like a heck of a lot. Chicago will match up well against them, and Peyton still has a history of choking in big games. If I was a betting man, I'd put a lot of money against Indy. But I'm too big a wuss to actually do that.
- Went to my first Edward 40-Hands party (where you get 40-ounce beers taped to your hands when you enter, and can't take them off until they're empty). Fun concept, although not as much when your hands are as hairy as mine. Thanks to M for taking such joy in getting as many hairy square-inches as possible covered. And for laughing so hard as I yelped in pain as you ripped the tape (and hair) off my hand.
- Why are retro arcade games so addictive? Especially when they're so easy? This was not a good site to discover when I don't have a full-time day job.

How Do You Say "Holy Shit!" in Portuguese?
I cannot believe it... Manda Bala just won the Grand Jury Award for Best Documentary at Sundance (and also Best Documentary Cinematography)! I'm so excited for my friend Jared (and of course Jason too). What a huge relief after all the time, work, and money they put into it.
If only I'd invested in it...

Bonnaroo, Promise To Love You Forever More
While the amazing Coachella line-up has been getting all the glory, there is a tentative Bonnaroo line-up posted here, and it comes pretty close to rivaling it. Sadly, Pearl Jam has already confirmed they will not be participating. But even without them, this would be pretty amazing. Guess we'll find out if it's real on Wednesday.

Is It Getting Heavy?
I wasn't crazy about Superman Returns. Maybe it would be better (at least the last 30 minutes) if I synched it up with one of my favorite albums of all time, The Soft Bulletin.

Overheard at Last Night's (This Morning's) CYHSY Mercury Lounge Show*
"So in my dream, Patrick Swayze lives in the treehouse in our backyard. We're not really friends, but one day he invites us over for dinner. So we go up to Swayze's treehouse, and it's gorgeous in there, and he's really nice, and the food is sooooooooo good…"
- Stupid drunk woman

* Not verbatim, but pretty damn close.

Runnin' With the Devil... Again
Is it official? Is Van Halen touring with David Lee Roth? Billboard says yes.

Some quick hits for this slow Wednesday:

- My friend Jared produced a film Manda Bala, which is in competition at Sundance. So far the reviews have been great. I hope he's able to sell it. Good luck.
- My sister got called for jury duty on Monday, then got placed on an armed robbery case. It should last until the end of next week. She's miserable, but I think it'd be interesting to be on a jury. Certainly more interesting than what I'm doing now.
- Why is everyone making such a big deal about Dreamgirls getting the most Oscar nominations? Three of the nods are for Best Original Song, and it's not up for Best Picture or Best Director.
- Everyone has already made a huge deal out of it, but this year's Coachella line-up really is ridiculously good. Alas, it's the same weekend as my 10-year high school reunion in Florida. What to do?
- I may be a blogger, but at least I don't live on the Lower East Side.
- According to this SonyBMG release schedule, Velvet Revolver's new album is coming out May 15th (in the US, 14th overseas). Sweet!

Okay, gotta wrap this up. Today's the first TRL that my replacement is writing / floor-producing, and it's about to start. Must tune in.

Well, I'm back at work. It had been a nice few days off, but now it's back to the grind. And where am I working? None other than Mi TRL, the Latin version of TRL on MTV Tr3s. So far, my objective to leave TRL to work on different types of shows isn't going exactly according to plan. But hey, at this point a gig is a gig. It's also not that hard, and there are a bunch of people working on this show that I've worked with before. I even convinced them to put VH1 Classic on in the office I share with four other workers. So no complaints, for the moment.

On an unrelated note, I do want to say goodbye to "Bam Bam" Bigelow. The wrestling stars of the 80s are dropping like flies.

Some quick hits to start the week:

- The one time this century that I root for the Pats, they lose. Now Manning is in the SuperBowl for the first time. What a disastrous development. I hope the Bears destroy the Colts.
- I don't know why this bothers me so much, but I hate the title of Grease: You're the One That I Want. The competition is about casting a new production of the musical, and that song isn't even in the show; it was created specifically for the movie. They should've called it We Go Together. Or Born to Hand-Jive. And yes, this is probably the nerdiest thing I've ever posted.
- I wish I lived in Montgomery so I could go to their flea market. Apparently "it's just like... a mini... mall!" And the guy who runs it has the craziest eyes I've ever seen.
- As part of a 40th-birthday gift for Sticking Point Tommy, I made him a mix of the top hits of 1967. What a year for music:
1: Purple Haze - The Jimi Hendrix Experience
2: Gimme Some Lovin' - Spencer Davis Group
3: Higher and Higher - Jackie Wilson
4: I Was Made to Love Her - Stevie Wonder
5: Respect - Aretha Franklin
6: Brown-Eyed Girl - Van Morrison
7: Alone Again Or - Love
8: Girl, You'll Be a Woman Soon - Neil Diamond
9: Waterloo Sunset - The Kinks
10: Happy Together - The Turtles
11: A Whiter Shade of Pale - Procol Harum
12: For What It's Worth - Buffalo Springfield
13: Windy - The Association
14: Heroes and Villians - The Beach Boys
15: Ruby Tuesday - The Rolling Stones
16: Penny Lane - The Beatles
17: Daydream Believer - The Monkees
18: Can't Take My Eyes Off of You - Frankie Valli
19: Mellow Yellow - Donovan
20: White Rabbit - Jefferson Airplane
21: Light My Fire - The Doors
I also got him a 40, which was surprisingly difficult to track down on the Upper West Side. The first two delis I hit didn't have anything bigger than 32 ounces, then the next two didn't have any malt liquor. Finally I found some Olde English. I hope he appreciates the effort that went into the gift.
- It seems that Europeans can pre-order "Chinese Democracy" on certain websites, with a March 5th release day. That's the Monday before Axl's alleged U.S. release date, and albums always come out on Monday in Europe, as opposed to Tuesday in the States. Yet another reason why I wish I was still living in Scotland.

Guess that's all for now. Happy Monday, one and all.

This may not be the equivalent of Rocky Balboa, but if you're looking for a sequel to The Karate Kid, check out this awesome video for "Sweep the Leg." It features the entire Cobra Kai gang, is directed by Johnny himself (Billy Zabka, proving why he is an Oscar-nominated director), and even dares to ask the question: what if Daniel had lost?

The Day The Music Died
Wow, what a bummer. I only got 32 out of 54 on this test of album covers. That's an F. So disappointed in myself. Hopefully my smart readers can do better.

In honor of an amazing first four hours of the new season of 24, here's a list of things we've all learned from the greatest American hero of our generation, Jack Bauer.

Misty Water-Colored Memories
Well, it's my first post-TRL day. Being unemployed isn't so bad. It's certainly nice to sleep in. But you certainly get attached to a job after 3 years, and I will miss certain things. In fact, here are some of my favorite memories of my time at TRL. It's not a comprehensive list, not by a long shot, but these are the first things that popped into my head, and it's fairly representative of my time on the show.

- Sitting in soundchecks, 10 feet from the stage, with a dozen people or less in the room, for artists such as Green Day, Kanye West, Ludacris, Gwen Stefani, and The Killers.
- Standing next to Elijah Wood watching Good Charlotte perform for our Star Wars Episode 3 special and hearing him complain about how awful they are.
- Visiting Skywalker Ranch and watching Episode 3 in George Lucas’s private screening room. Not because I like the Star Wars movies, but because the ranch is beautiful, and there’s nothing like a movie theater with a huge digital projection system and huge speakers built into the floor.
- Meeting Hulk Hogan. Three times.
- Having Lindsay Lohan excitedly insist to me that she was wearing an authentic early-80’s Beach Boys concert t-shirt.
- Having Andre 3000 laugh and compliment my “Who Wants to Sex Mutombo?” t-shirt.
- Standing 3 feet from Paris Hilton in Cancun as the wind blew her skirt up, revealing she goes commando.
- Making VJDamien laugh by writing random 80s lyrics on the cue cards.
- Watching Justin Timberlake try to identify animals based on sounds of them having sex.
- Seeing a kid in the audience try to protest Taco Bell but getting tackled before he could do anything other than yell “Taco Bell…” thereby probably giving the chain some positive publicity.
- Watching Donald Trump temporarily “fire” VJQuddus. If only it had been real and permanent.
- Watching Joaquin Phoenix get reamed out by the director of Ladder 49 after Phoenix threw an immature hissy-fit and refused to go out onstage without wearing his Johnny-Cash-flipping-the-bird t-shirt. Phoenix caved very quickly.
- Getting my picture taken with the Stanley Cup.
- Creating “Live with Regis & Kelly” with guests Regis Philbin and Kelly Osbourne.
- Standing 5 feet from Seth MacFarlane as he seamlessly segued from one Family Guy character’s voice to the next.
- Watching a segment producer pitch a stunt to Jessica Simpson in which she shows us how to line dance, and her reaction when Jessica says she doesn’t know how to line dance, even though she does in the video for “These Boots Are Made for Walkin’.”
- Meeting Stevie Wonder and wondering if he had any clue that the name of his new album was written on the side of his sunglasses.

Today is my last day at TRL. I'm jumping into the world of freelance writing. It's a bit of a scary prospect, as I don't have my next gig lined up yet. But it will be nice to have a change of pace, and as one of my bosses told me, having "the fear" will help me be aggressive and expand my horizons when looking for work. Let's hope he's right.

No big final goodbye post. I know a lot of this site has been devoted to writing about work. Sometimes that hasn't been the wisest thing to do. Of course I'll continue to post, although I'm not sure what interesting stuff will fill the void (if the TRL stuff was interesting to begin with). Maybe not having a full-time job will allow me time to put more thought into my posts. We'll see how it goes.

And now, one final TRL Moment of the Week
At the end of yesterday's show, VJDamien and VJVanessa pulled me out in front of camera to say goodbye and good luck. I gave them each a hug, then stayed on camera as they wrapped up the show. When they finished their copy, I tried to yell into the mic "Guns N Roses rules!" Alas, the mic didn't pick it up, so nobody heard me. I blew my last, golden opportunity. Dang.

Why do I think that this Anime-style portrait of The Simpsons (based on this pic) is so cool? Especially the Apu...

The publishers of the 33 1/3 music books are seeking proposals for more books in their series. I don't have the time or resources to write one of those books, so instead I'll request that people submit the following albums:
- Zombies - "Odyssey and Oracle" (although given this one was singled out in the guidelines, I'm sure nobody will pick that one)
- Flaming Lips - "The Soft Bulletin"
- Garbage - "Version 2.0"
- Runaways - "The Runaways"
- Pearl Jam - "Vitalogy"
- Rilo Kiley - "The Execution of All Things"
- Cure - "Disintegration"
- Alice in Chains - "Dirt"
- Stooges - "Fun House"
- Pretenders - "The Pretenders"
Good luck all you aspriring writers. And if you choose one of these and get picked, you can thank me in the acknowledgements.

Some quick hits to start the week:
- Most of NYC smells awful this morning due to a natural gas leak in the West Village. Not nearly as pleasant as the still-unidentified maple syrup smell from a couple years ago. Is this yet another thing I'm responsible for?
- I watched a ton of football this weekend, which also means I watched a ton of commercials. And I must say, they show TERRIBLE commercials during football. I'm not sure which I hate least... the commercial where the guy with the bite-site burger and fries is bragging that it was only$2.99, while the other guy has a full-size Wendy's Value Meal also for $2.99 (by the way, why are they allowed to eat food in a library?), or the one which tried to make it seem like NFL players are asking for Diet Pepsi (but they were too cheap and lazy to use computer to alter the footage to make their mouths come anywhere close to the words they're supposedly saying), or of course those awful "This is our country" Chevy ads (do companies even pay attention to backlash anymore). And when the games are broadcast on Fox, I have to cover my ears and close my eyes during all promos for 24. Of which there are a lot.
- Speaking of football, sucks to be Tony Romo right now. A couple weeks ago, when it was first revealed that he is dating Carrie Underwood, I told my friend that she's jinxed and he should get rid of her. Sure enough, the Cowboys dropped their last 2 games of the regular season to lose the division, then got knocked out of the first round of the playoffs, in no small part thanks to Romo's 4 interceptions and 2 fumbles over that stretch. Kick her to the curb, Tony... it's for your own good.
- If you've got some free time, some of these Craigslist postings for Arcade Fire tickets are quite amusing. And don't hate me, but I did get tix for the Saturday night show.

3 Is a Magic Number
Today is my 3-year anniversary at TRL. Long time. Very long time. So long that I am in the process of finding another job. So far I have a bunch of small nibbles, but nothing big enough to jump ship to. Hopefully it won't take too long to find something else. A change is long overdue.

In honor of my 3 years, I've compiled a super-sized Top 20 countdown of my favorite TRL songs since I started here. To qualify, we had to show the video at least once on TRL (whether it was on the countdown, or as a premiere, first look, click-to-pick, or Pre-RL). That made it quite a difficult list to compile. Like a normal TRL countdown, there can only be one song per artist (unless it's a "featuring"). And bear in mind that these are my favorite songs, not videos.

20. Chamillionaire - "Ridin": Thanks to him for reviving Weird Al's sagging career.
19. Maroon 5 - "This Love": I remember this video came out right around the time of the Nipplegate Super Bowl debacle, so they had to add floating flowers to the video to make it less sexual. It was the first of many, many content-related issues that have caused me to roll my eyes over the past 644 shows (damn, that's a lot!).
18. Blink 182 - "I Miss You": How hard is it to get that "Don't waaaaste your tiiiiiime on meeee, you're allllllready a voice inside myyyyyyyead" chorus out of your head? Or should I say your yead?
17. Lady Sovereign - "Love Me or Hate Me": Everyone else on TRL hates her. I love her. I think she's sassy and spunky. Even though she's a total bitch.
16. Missy Elliott - "We Run This": This made the list solely due to the Incredible Bongo Band's "Apache" sample. Shouldn't there be a ban on hip-hop songs sampling that anymore? It's been done, what, 2,147 times?
15. Eminem - "Like Toy Soldiers": Another one that made the list due to the sample. Long live Martika!
14. Snoop f/ Justin Timberlake - "Signs": I usually can't stand JT's music. But even I can't resist this.
13. My Chemical Romance - "I'm Not Okay": Tough call between this and their new "Welcome to the Black Parade." If not for the lame opening section of the latter, it would've made the list instead.
12. T.I. - "What You Know": This was the summer jam of 2006 for a reason.
11. Christina Aguilera - "Ain't No Other Man": Something about songs that combine trumpets really gets to me. See #2 below.
10. Busta Rhymes - "Touch It": I honestly don't have anything to write about this song, other than I like it.
9. Alicia Keys - "If I Ain't Got You": Have you heard my embarrassing Alicia Keys story? It makes me shudder to even think about it...
8. Killers - "Mr. Brightside": Can TRL take credit for "breaking" these guys? They'd been selling about 20,000 copies of "Hot Fuss" a week. Then after they performed on our Spankin New Music Week in January '05, their weekly sales doubled, eventually reaching 3 million. Yet their videos were never popular on our countdown. But I'll still take credit. They are also the most humble, shy, introverted band to ever come to TRL.
7. Gorillaz - "Feel Good, Inc.": I pushed really hard to get this video shown, pitching threads about the top animated videos and stuff like that. We finally showed it once, when TRL was temporarily trying to be "music credible" and more varied in its music at the start of 2006 (that lasted about 5 weeks). Naturally I was on vacation that day. I doubt it got a single vote to ever make the countdown.
6. Kanye West - "Through the Wire": I could've put in "Touch the Sky." Or "Jesus Walks." But the lyrics on this are just so damn clever. And when he came on to promote it, he said on the air that he was sure he'd never be on TRL again. I miss the days when he wasn't such an arrogant prick.
5. Kelly Clarkson - "Since U Been Gone": Possibly the catchiest song of the millennium, so far.
4. Green Day - "American Idiot": On TRL it was the least popular of their singles from that album. But most popular in my mind. Typical that I feel the complete opposite of our audience. Also, I should note that one of the highlights of my tenure here was the day they performed on TRL. I was sitting in on soundcheck, sitting 5 feet from the stage as they tore through "Welcome to Paradise." Their roadie was filling in on drums, as Tre Cool was so hungover they had to hook him up to an IV in the green room. Fortunately he was able to make it through their 3 songs on the show without passing out. But just barely.
3. Red Hot Chili Peppers - "Tell Me Baby": Great energetic verses combined with a mellow chorus. Love the guitar riff. But what the hell is Flea wearing in the video?
2. Nelly f/ Christina Aguilera - "Tilt Ya Head Back": Again, I don't know what it is about the combination of the trumpets and Christina's harmonies.
1. Gwen Stefani - "Cool": I could put this song in place of OMD's "If You Leave" during the prom scene in "Pretty in Pink" and feel the same way about the movie. That's the sign of a classic song. At least in my eyes.

Some quick links I had missed from the past few weeks, courtesy of New York magazine's Approval Matrix:
- Worder what would happen if you dropped your iPod into a blender? Or your golf clubs? Or oysters? Wonder no more...
- Michel Gondry can solve a Rubik's Cube with his feet.
- Or can he?

Oh, and one that's not from NY mag:
- This fake Dane Cook made me laugh harder than the real one ever has or ever will.

2007 is only 3 days old, and already it seems that it will be an excellent year for music. Axl insists that "Chinese Democarcy" will be out in March (or slightly later)... and his former bandmates in Velvet Revolver will release their 2nd album in May. I have pitched for Arcade Fire to perform on TRL during February's Spankin New Music Week, and it's in discussions. The Genesis tour will likely hit the U.S. this summer (at least according to my source). And now word comes out that The Police will reunite and tour this year. Wow! They were #2 on my list of bands I want to see reunite and play live. What a coup that would be. I'll keep my fingers crossed.

All's Not Quiet on New Year's Day (or the day after)
Hope everyone enjoyed their NYE celebrations. I was the writer for MTV's show (although I did not write this already-infamous ad-lib), so I spent most of the night in the control room. Fun, but not terribly exciting. However, writing the show did give me access to various musicians' hand-written Ultimate Party Anthems playlists, which are basically lists of their 10 favorite songs. Some unusual choices in there. For example, +44 is a fan of t.A.t.U. Gwen Stefani is only a fan of her new album and The Sound of Music. Taylor Hicks is a huge fan of the 80s (especially Tears for Fears), but he can only count to 9. Both Taylor and A.F.I. are fans of Lionel Richie's "Dancing on the Ceiling." But I think the most surprising submission was Lady Sovereign's choice of the Beach Boys / Fat Boys version of "Wipe Out." There are few bigger Beach Boys fans out there than me, but to call that one of the Ultimate Party Anthems is beyond even my comprehension. At least I give her points for originality.

When my friend sent me this link to (what appears to be) actual footage of Saddam Hussein's hanging taken on a cellphone, I hesitated before watching it. Then I hesitated again before linking to it. But, as you can tell, I decided to do both. I don't feel great about either decision. It's not particularly entertaining to watch. In fact, it's unsettling, and even a little grotesque. So now it's your decision. Watch it if you like. Or don't watch it. You can even chastise me for posting it. I leave it in your hands.
(update: the original site seems to be clogged, and Drudge Report, which was the original linker, is now directing people to watch it on Google Video here).

I will say that I'm glad the world is rid of Saddam.

And on that note, this will be my final post of 2006. But I'll be back at the start of the new year. Hope everyone has a fun and safe celebration tomorrow night. I'll be working at MTV Goes Gold: New Year's Eve 2007. Feel free to tune in... Lady Sovereign is performing.

Clearing Up the Land of Confusion
The buzz around the 2007 Genesis reunion tour hasn't been so great as of yet, because
1) They've only announced European dates so far, and
2) Peter Gabriel is not involved.

However, I have it from a VERY good source (who I will not reveal) that
1) They will be playing Madison Square Garden in July, which means that U.S. dates are forthcoming, and
2) Peter Gabriel will be joining Genesis on several European dates.

You heard it here first, whether you care or not.

And while we're on the subject of Phil Collins, VH1 Classic has been airing an amazing show called Classic Albums, which takes you inside the making of, well, classic albums such as Dark Side of the Moon, Who's Next, Nevermind, Rumours, Bat Out of Hell, and Hysteria. The show is exciting because they have artists and producers sit at soundboards and break down songs into individual tracks, singling out backing vocals, random instruments, etc. Great stuff. But imagine my surprise a couple of weeks ago when I see they are focusing an episode on Phil Collins's Face Value. Sure, that has a classic song in "In the Air Tonight." But to call that a classic album? Hardly.

I still haven't seen a bunch of movies released at the end of the year (The Good Sheppard, The Pursuit of Happyness, Rocky Balboa, Dreamgirls, Pan's Labyrinth, The Queen, Volver, Notes on a Scandal, The Good German, The Painted Veil, Bobby), and I missed a bunch of movies that were well-reviewed (Wordplay, The Devil Wears Prada, Half Nelson, The Last King of Scotland, Little Children, The History Boys, The Illusionist, The Science of Sleep). But based on what I have seen, here are my 10 favorite movies of 2006 (in alphabetical order):
Casino Royale
Children of Men
The Departed
An Incovenient Truth
Inside Man
Jackass: Number Two
Little Miss Sunshine
Mission Impossible III
Thank You For Smoking
United 93

And my five least-favorite movies (also in alphabetical order):
Basic Instinct II
Clerks II
For Your Consideration (just because it was SUCH a disappointment)
Grandma's Boy*
Nacho Libre

* Even though they're listed alphabetically, this is unquestionably the worst movie I have seen this year, if not this century.

Bah, humbug!" No, that's too strong
'Cause it is my favorite holiday
But all this year's been a busy blur
Don't think I have the energy
To add to my already mad rush
Just 'cause it 'tis the season.
The perfect gift for me would be
Completions and connections left from

Last year, ski shop
Encounter, most interesting.
Had her number but never the time
Most of '06 passed along those lines.
So deck those halls, trim those trees
Raise up cups of Christmas cheer
I just need to catch my breath
Christmas by myself this year.

Calendar picture, frozen landscape
Chilled this room for twenty-four days
Evergreens, sparkling snow
Get this winter over with!
Flashback to springtime, saw her again
Would've been good to go for lunch
Couldn't agree when we were both free
We tried, we said we'd keep in touch.

Didn't, of course, 'til summertime,
Out to the beach to her boat could I join her?
No, this time it was me
Sunburn in the third degree.
Now the calendar's just one page
And, of course, I am excited
Tonight's the night, I've set my mind
Not to do too much about it.

Merry Christmas! Merry Christmas!
But I think I'll miss this one this year.
[4x]

Party dashing through the snow
Of course I bundled up too tight
Last minute have-to-do's
A few cards a few calls'
Cause it's R-S-V-P
No thanks, no party lights
It's Christmas Eve, guttery laugh
Turned down all of my advice.

Last fall I had a night to myself,
Same gal called, halloween party
Waited all night for her to show
This time her car wouldn't go
Forget it, it's cold, it's getting late
Trudge on home to celebrate
In a quiet way, unwind
Doing Christmas right this time.

A&P has provided me
With the world's smallest turkey
Already in the oven, nice and hot
Oh damn! Guess what I forgot?
So on with the boots, back out in the snow
To the only all-night grocery,
When what to my wondering eyes should appear
In the line is that gal I've been chasing all year!

"I'm spending this one alone," she said.
"Need a break; this year's been crazy."
I said, "Me too, but why are you?
You mean you forgot cranberries too?"
Then suddenly we laughed and laughed
Caught on to what was happening
That Christmas magic's brought this tale
To a very happy ending! "

Merry Christmas! Merry Christmas!
Couldn't miss this one this year!
[4x]

TRL Moment of the Week
Well, I'm now That Guy on the staff. We had our holiday dinner on Wednesday night, and at the end of the meal (after many drinks had already been consumed), I came to an agreement with the producer that if I did 5 shots of whiskey, I could be in the "hot seat" (a.k.a. be the producer) for the 2nd half of Thursday's show. The shots arrived, and they were closer to double-shots (or at least 1 1/2). And even with no time limit, I downed them all in about 65 seconds.
There are a lot of gaps the rest of the night, but at least I didn't get sick or make a total ass of myself. I did at one point exclaim very loudly, "I'm really excited to meet (Evanescence lead singer) Amy Lee. It's not that I think she's that pretty or anything... I just want to meet her." Um...
The next morning when my alarm went off at 8am, I got up to go to take a piss and immediately had to get back to bed. I called my boss and promised I'd come in, but he'd have to give me some time.
At 9:30 I got up to brush my teeth, but then had to go back to bed.
Took a shower at 11:00, then had to go back to bed.
But in my contact at noon, then had to go back to bed.
Finally I rolled into work around 1:30. For the rest of the day I was treated like an animal at the zoo, with my bosses bringing various execs to my office to show off how horrible I looked, and had to deal with everyone berating me for not having "pulled the trigger" to get the alcohol out of my system. There is also video footage of me doing the shots being e-mailed through the staff, which I'm not crazy about.
But sure enough, I sat in the hot seat at the end of the show. And in retrospect, I don't think it was worth it.

Honorable Mention
Michelle Trachtenberg came on yesterday to promote her new movie, Black Christmas. We were discussing if she'd been naughty or nice this year, and when we inquired about the naughtiest thing she'd done all year, she said, "Oh, I don't think I can say that. Let's keep it behind the bedroom door." Ah Michelle, you dirty slut...

A few years ago (it may have been more like 10), I had a Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey daily calendar (I'm a big fan of the daily calendar... much more so than wall calendars). It's the best calendar I've ever had. Ever December since then I look to see if they're putting out a new edition, but they haven't. I just looked again for a 2007 calendar, and sadly, no dice. But at least I did come across this article that Jack Handey wrote for the New Yorker a few months ago. Good stuff!

By the way, if anyone has any ideas for a good daily calendar, please let me know. No Onion, no Sudoku, no Bushisms, no Simpsons trivia, and nothing with animals please. Thanks in advance.

This video is the PSA equivalent of the Final Destination movies. Who knew that insurance salesman could be so entertaining?
(Special thumbs-up to the lawnmower accident)

Oh, and the company responsible for making it still exists.

Even the Losers Get Unlucky Sometimes
Went to another Losers Lounge show on Saturday night. This one was a tribute to Elton John. The show was entertaining, although it lacked the spark of both the Queen and Stevie Wonder shows I'd been to. I think they do a better job with artists whose music is almost universally upbeat and energetic. They had Elton's kitsch factor down, but the slow songs, while sounding good, dragged and sucked the lifeforce out of the room.
That being said, cheers to Victoria Liedtke for a rousing "Philadelphia Freedom," Mike Fornatale for "Take Me To the Pilot," back-up singer Connie Petruk who stepped into the spotlight for "Country Comfort," and Mark Rozzo for a beautiful "Levon." And as always, the Kustard Kings killed it all the music. Jeers to Joe Hurley for butchering "Mona Lisas and Mad Hatters"... he sounded like a mix between Tom Waits and the lead singer of Crash Test Dummies doped up on Valium.
And here's hoping they take my suggestion and pay tribute to The Police at their next show.

With Friends Like This, Who Needs Enemies?
My friend over at The Sticking Point recently asked his friends and readers to write parodies of his entries, as he thinks he needs the piss taken out of him. Today he posted the first one, which happens to be written by yours truly. I think I did a pretty good job (if you're not familiar with his site, this post was my biggest inspiration). Check it out if you've got the time... it's better than anything I'll post on my own site today, I'm sure.

The Nighttrain Is Entering the Station
Straight from Axl's mouth: "Chinese Democracy" is (tentatively) hitting stores March 6th!!!

It's a Hanukkah miracle!!!

(Why am I setting myself up for disappointment again???)

Update: I forwarded the article to my bosses, and after 3 years of my pestering them, they finally pitched to the music department to have GnR perform on TRL during February's Spankin' New Music Week. Of course, that would only work if the album actually does come out March 6th. And Axl would have to say yes. The chances are virtually nil. But I'm already dreaming of that show which kicks off with Axl screaming "You know where you are?!?" from the roof of the MTV building before tearing into "Welcome to the Jungle."

TRL Moment of the Week
On Monday we had a webcam interview with Michael Chiklis and Julian McMahon, who are currently in Vancouver shooting Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer. They were in position, with excellent audio and video quality. But we needed to make sure they could speak to and hear our VJ. So our producer asked VJSusie, who would be conducting the interview, to speak into the mic. VJSusie, however, thought it was a simple mic check for our own audio department, and so, with an energy and playfulness that the staff has never seen before, she yelled into the mic "Yo, yo, yo, (VJ)Susie in the hooooooooouse!" Chiklis and McMahon gave each other a confused "What the fuck have we gotten ourselves into?" look and burst out laughing.
And once again, TRL distinguished itself as the show for sophisticated journalistic interviews.

Couple quick notes about the Golden Globe nominations:
- Bobby? What the fuck?
- Where's United 93? And Ryan Gosling for Half Nelson (which I haven't seen, but I heard that he's unbelievable)?
- I would've given some nod to Children of Men, but not sure what... maybe director...
- No love for The Wire? Or Friday Night Lights? Or South Park? Or 24's Gregory Itzin or Jean Smart?
- Big Love? What the fuck?

Also, after reading this article about how Mark McGwire currently spends his days, I got to wondering: If he's elected to the Hall of Fame, will he enter as an Oakland Athletic or a St. Louis Cardinal? I think he has to go in as an A (he spent most of his career there, racked up the majority of his stats there, earned Rookie of the Year there, and won a World Series title there. But my officemate and one of my friends both say he'd go in as a Card, since that's where he set the HR record and that's what he's most remembered for (even though the record has already been broken and that's where his image first became tainted with the Andreo discovery).
Thoughts?

Last weekend, the New York Times Magazine put out its annual Year in Ideas issue. It covers everything from floors that harvest energy from walking pedestrians to that stupid beer bladder for people too cheap to buy beer at sporting events. A lot of these ideas are ingenious... it makes me a little sad that I'm wasting my brain power coming up with stunts to do with Nelly Furtado (for the record, today we're having her create a Grammy acceptance speech, Mad-Libs style).
Also, of all the world-altering ideas, why was this one my favorite? (Since some of you have trouble logging onto the NYT site, I'll cut and paste the article)

N.C.A.A. Psyop
By Joel Lovell
In March, the University of California at Berkeley men's basketball team played its final home game against the University of Southern California, whose team was led by its star guard, Gabe Pruitt. Pruitt was in the midst of a terrific year for U.S.C., averaging about 17 points a game, and for Cal, as the U.C. Berkeley team is known, the game was a must-win if it was to get a bid to the N.C.A.A. tournament. Cal needed to figure out a way to keep Pruitt from having another monster outing.
The solution to how to neutralize Pruitt came not from a game plan of X's and O's but from military-style psychological operations. In the week leading up to the game, members of Cal's Rally Committee, who earlier obtained Pruitt's Instant Messenger screen name, created an I.M. account for a fictional U.C.L.A. coed named Victoria. "Victoria" began flirting with Pruitt, sending him photos of herself (pictures of a very attractive woman that the Cal students had taken off the Internet) and telling him that she and her friends wanted to party with him and his teammates back in L.A. after the game against Cal. Pruitt responded in kind, writing, "You look like you have a very fit body" and "Now I want to c u so bad," and eventually giving her his phone number and agreeing to get together when he returned from the game.
On game day, when Pruitt went to the foul line for the first time, Cal students began chanting: "Victoria! Victoria!" and reciting Pruitt's phone number. Pruitt, a 79 percent free-throw shooter on the season, missed both shots and had one of his worst games of the year, shooting 3 for 13 from the field. Cal won the game by 11 points and went on to the N.C.A.A. tournament.
After the loss, Pruitt said of the Psyop tactic: "I've never seen anything like that, that big. It's up there." He then added, "My dad got a kick out of it, but he kind of told me to be careful."

Brilliant. Utterly, diabolically brilliant.

Don't Be Cruel
The new issue of New York magazine (the Best/Worst of 2006 edition, no less) included an ad for Jelvis, the Jewish Elvis. Curious, I visited its website today, where I discovered that Jelvis is actually "funnyman" Willard Morgan, and that Jelvis is nothing but an offensive, obnoxious stereotype of Jews that happens to (somewhat) look and sing like Elvis Presley. Turns out, however, that Morgan hasn't merely set his sights on Jews... he has other characters to offend homosexuals, Asians, French, and more. And none of them seem funny.
Fortunately, he doesn't seem to be very popular... the only listed Jelvis sighting happened way back in February 2001, and he has no upcoming appearances listed. Let's keep it that way.

After the Dolphins' dominating shutout victory over the Patriots yesterday, I need to revise my theory of why they win. It doesn't happen only when I watch games at the Village Pourhouse… it happens when I watch the Fins on TV, period. They won their first game in Week 3, when I joined a friend from Pittsburgh to watch the Steelers play the Bengals at a Steelers bar on the UWS (Blondie's), while the Dolphins vs. Titans played on a tiny screen in the corner. Not another win until I watched them again Week 9, when they disrupted Chicago's unbeaten season. That was the first of 3 straight games (and wins) I watched at the Pourhouse, followed by a victory on Thanksgiving Day that I watched at home in Florida. I missed the following week, when they lost to Jacksonville, but yesterday's game was nationally televised, so I watched them destroy the Pats from the comfort of my couch. I'm sure I'll have to go to a bar in order to see them play the Bills next week, but fortunately I think I can skip the Pourhouse. At least if this new hypothesis holds up.

And speaking of football, the end of this high school football game is amazing, both for Plano East's insane comeback, the way they then blew it, and the crazy announcers.

TRL Moment of the Week
This story was relayed to me by the other writer, so I may get some of the specifics wrong.
Gwen Stefani was here to tape a performance of "Wind It Up." We also had her tape a cold open, with the following copy:
GWEN
-HI, I'M GWEN STEFANI, HERE TO BRING SOME HOLIDAY CHEER
-NOT TO MENTION A BUNCH OF COOL PRESENTS FOR TODAY'S AUDIENCE
-I'M ALSO GONNA ROCK THE STAGE WITH A PERFORMANCE, SO GET READY TO WIND IT UP
-TRL STARTS NOW!
Gwen looked over the copy and was ready to go. But just as the cameras were about to roll, Gwen's handler stepped in and said she would have to go over the copy with Gwen. She took the cue card from the writer, held it up for Gwen, and literally explained it line by line.
"So here you say 'Hi, I'm Gwen Stefani,' because you want to introduce yourself. Then say you've got presents for today's audience, because you're going to be giving out the gifts. And of course you have to read that you're gonna 'rock the stage with a performance.' And this 'get ready to wind it up,' that's because it's the name of your song. And if you feel like it, end with 'TRL starts now.'"
What would Gwen do without this woman?

I know I've been very lax about posting lately... but life at work has been very hectic, life outside of work has been very hectic... time just seems to be slipping by. But tonight is the MTV Networks holiday party, so hopefully I'll let off some steam and be ready to post tomorrow.

In the meantime, my pervert readers can enjoy the best nude scenes of the year.

If you don't feel like doing any work today, here are two major timewasters:
- This thing is so oddly hypnotic. And radio stations sure are playing a lot of Christmas music these days.
- The 50 greatest commercials of the 80's? Where's the 'Noid? Where's Little Caesar's "Pizza Pizza"? Where's the Fruity Pebbles ad where Barney pretends to be a rapper to get Fred's cereal? Where's the Circuit City commercial where the kid from The Last Action Hero brings the walkman in and says "Yesterday I bought this, and today I saw this... just opened the paper and there it was" and the cashier pays him the difference and the kid says "That's it?" and the cashier says "That's it" and the kid says "Cool"? Just wondering...

For almost as long as I've been working at TRL, I've wanted to start the show with a cold open in which a robot (I'm picturing Paulie's robot from Rocky IV) does something and then, in its cool robot voice, says "TRL... starts... now..." There is no rhyme or reason for this obsession, but I've pitched it countless times, and it always gets rejected. Now it's basically a running joke throughout the staff.
I'm only telling you this because it probably explains why I like this robot version of Pulp Fiction so much.

Two thoughts on this weekend's sports developments:

1) The BCS should take the C out of its abbreviation, because the system is nothing but bullshit. How could they put UF into the title game instead of Michigan? True, UF had a tougher schedule. But they lost by 10 to Auburn, and barely eeked out wins against Tennessee and unranked South Carolina. In fact, 5 of their wins came by a touchdown or less, with 4 of those against unranked teams. Michigan's only loss came against the #1 team in the country, on the road, by a mere 3 points. Their average margin of victory was 17.3 points, and their closest victory was by 7 (yes, UF's margin of victory was 17.5, but that includes blowout shutouts against 4-8 UCF and 2-9 West Carolina that gives them a big cushion). The argument against a rematch is stupid too (nice job by Gene Wojciechowski pointing out that Ali-Frazer II and III were pretty exciting… I might add that the 84-85 NBA Finals rematch of Lakers vs. Celtics was damn good too). Michigan is clearly a better team… and they got screwed.

2) I apologize to the Miami Dolphins for not watching the game at the Village Pourhouse this weekend. They basically had to win out to have a chance at the playoffs, so this loss to the Jaguars basically puts a fork in their season. I did have a good excuse for not being there: I was taking care of my sister, who is recovering from surgery (I don't want to get into specifics, but let's just say that she'll be fine, minus half her thyroid). Still, it's tough to know that another Fins season is a bust.

The TRL Graveyard Returns
Ashanti came by on Tuesday with the new Tupac video, which she appears in. I pitched this cold open, which got shot down not because it was deemed insensitive, but because our viewers "wouldn't get it." Whatever.

(VJDAMIEN AND ASHANTI ARE TALKING ON THE GREEN ROOM COUCH)

VJDAMIEN
-SO ASHANTI, WHAT WAS IT LIKE SHOOTING A VIDEO WITH TUPAC?
-HE COOL?

ASHANTI
-UM, I DIDN'T ACTUALLY SHOOT ANYTHING WITH TUPAC…

VJDAMIEN
-OH, I SEE
-HE'S KIND OF A DIVA, HUH?
-ONLY LIKES TO DO HIS OWN STUFF?
-I'LL BET

ASHANTI
-NO VJDAMIEN, I DON'T THINK YOU…

(VJVANESSA WALKS INTO FRAME AND TALKS DIRECTLY TO CAMERA)

VJVANESSA
-I'M SORRY, I HAVE TO CUT THIS OFF
-IT'S STILL TOO SOON FOR THIS
-FORGET IT EVER HAPPENED
-TRL STARTS NOW

Also shot down was a stunt with Josh Duhamel, here on Tuesday to promote Touristas (a movie about Americans in Brazil having their organs removed and sold on the black market), in which we get various animal organs from butchers (kidney, liver, tongue) and have Josh identify them. Instead the prepped and pitched another of my ideas, Fergie or Fergie, in which we give a fact (this Fergie's middle name is Ann) and he would have to say if it's his girlfriend Stacy Ferguson or Sarah Ferguson, the Duchess of York. No surprise, his publicist shot that down before he even showed up. But that doesn't belong in the Graveyard... more like the TRL Burn Unit.

Sorry I'm posting nothing but links lately... my mind is elsewhere. Nevertheless:
- Here's the beginning of The Big Lebowski as played out by Nintendo Wii.
- More fun at the expense of Michael Richards.

Has anyone not yet seen this recut Seinfeld yet? If not, it's damn funny.

Has anyone not yet seen this parody of Pink Is the New Blog? If not, it's moderately amusing.

TV Land just announced the 100 Greatest TV Quotes & Catchphrases. As with any list, it's missing some big ones. Too many to list, in fact. But here are some, taken from my childhood memories. I'm giving you readers the benefit of the doubt by just listing the quotes and not the shows / characters.

I've fallen… and I can't get up!
Did I do that?
Not the mama!
Don't be ridiculous.
I pity the fool…
Ay-oh! Oh-ay!
Ha, I kill me!
Mikey likes it!
And knowing is half the battle.
No whammy, no whammy, no whammy… stop!
Cut… it… out.
K… I… D… S… Yes!
O-tay!
Take off, hoser.
We just want to pump… you up.

And, of course…

It's pumpkinninny!

As surprising as this may be, it turns out that you can't post just anything on Wikipedia. But fear not... for those entries that don't make it, you can find them at Wikidumper. Good thing it exists... I'd been wondering about Kynoids for years.

I'm off to Florida for an extended Thanksgiving weekend, so LSTT will be on pause until Monday. Hope you all enjoy your turkey.

Take That, Corey Feldman
The other day, Lindsay posted "The Audition" and called it "the most classic Mr. Show sketch of all." I disagree... my vote is for Genuine Hollywood Factual Report: Josh Fenderman. Judge for yourselves (and ignore the tech problems of the first few seconds of the clip). But really, how can you top that dance?
I'm also surprised that Lindsay isn't a bigger Josh Fenderman fan because, as I recall, she lived in the same building as Feldog for a while.

Pour, Pour Pitiful Me
Went back to the Village Pourhouse, and the Fins victory made them 3-0 since I've started watching games there. Alas, I'm not sure that I'll be able to return. At 1:15pm I ordered some boneless BBQ wings. 40 minutes (and 2 complaints to the waitress) later, my friends and I started placing bets as to whether I'd get my food before halftime. The answer: no. More complaints actually caused my waitress to say, "Argh, I'm so mad at you" and air-strangle me, as if it was my fault that I hadn't gotten my food. Sometime around 2:15, she brings out a plate of spicy bone-in wings. I tell her that's not what I ordered, she took it back, and returned 20 minutes after that with the correct food. Although by that point she had forgotten about my friend's BBQ chicken sandwich, and actually had to be reminded what he had ordered, which means she never placed the order with the kitchen. We left a skimpy $6 tip on a $75 tab, and now I'm not sure I can go back there. I'll be in Florida on Sunday for this week's game, and if the Fins lose, I'll have no choice but to return. Their slim playoff hopes hinge on it!

* Quick note: the highlight of my time there is that one of my friends kept accidentally referring to Chad Johnson as Occo Chinko instead of Ocho Cinco, which in the wrong situation could have landed him in Michael Richards-ish hot water.

KKKramer
I just watched the video of Michael Richards using the "N" word repeatedly at a comedy club, and quite frankly, it is absolutely indefensible. He wasn't doing a bit, he wasn't trying to make a joke or a point... he simply lost his cool at an African-American heckler. I can't imagine how his career will recover from this, nor am I sure it should. Inexcusable behavior.

A co-worker was given a 20Q Music and passed it along to me (since she knows how much I love collecting random crap). The device asks you questions, and based on your answers it's supposed to guess what music-related person, place, or thing you're thinking about. For some reason the gadget isn't working, so I decided to give the online version a test-drive.
"Weird Al" Yankovic was what I had in mind (don't ask me why), and here are the questions and how I answered:
1. It is classified as Person.
2. Are you a group? No.
3. Do you perform Rock? Sometimes.
4. Were you on tour in 2005? No.
5. Do you lead a group? No.
6. Are you from Philadelphia? No.
7. Do you sing? Yes.
8. Do you appear in movies? Yes.
9. Were you popular in the 50's? No.
10. Have you performed live since 2000? Yes.
11. Do you wear makeup? Sometimes.
12. Does your name start with the letter J? No.
13. Are you black? No.
14. Do you have blonde hair? No.
15. Do you wear strange costumes? Sometimes.
16. Are you a lead singer? Yes.
17. Have you had a Top 40 hit in the last 5 years? Yes.
18. I guessed that it was Björk? Wrong.
19. Were you popular in the 60's? No.
20. I guessed that it was Lindsay Lohan? Wrong.
21. Do you perform Pop? Yes.
22. Do you play Alternative music? Sometimes.
23. I guessed that it was Alanis Morissette? Wrong.
24. Were you popular in the 70's? No.
25. Are you from the U.K.? No.
26. Does your name start with the letter C? No.
27. Are you known for your live performances? Doubtful.
28. I guessed that it was Mandy Moore? Wrong.
29. I guessed that it was Paris Hilton? Wrong.
30. I guessed that it was Andrea Corr? Wrong.
Then it gave up and told me I'd won. But a hollow victory it was, given how far off its guesses were. When's the last time someone confused Weird Al for Lindsay Lohan? Or Andrea Corr?

A co-worker just sent me this e-mail, with the subject line Quote of the Day:

"I may not have the type of voice you like, but I can sing. You can't take that away from me, 'cause singing is a gift from God, and when people say I can't sing, it's kind of like insulting God."
- Fergie tells Vibe magazine

Doesn't the Bible say that humans are created in the image of God? If that's true, isn't that kind of like insulting God? I mean, look at Fergie's face!

Bird Is the Word
Billy Ripken, you and your "Fuck Face" bat can step aside... there's a new controversial card in town, courtesy of Jets RB Leon Washington. There he is, giving not one, but two middle fingers.
Or is he simply trying to make two W's, as some people are saying?

Two television notes:
1) Did anyone else catch Robot Chicken on Sunday night? They had a parody of The Nightmare Before Christmas called The Nightmare Before Hanukkah. Too bad The Critic did the exact same premise (but better) 12 years ago (sorry, can't find The Critic clip, but it's in there). I know it's not the most original idea, but if it's been done before, let it go.
2) Did anyone else catch last week's Iconoclasts with Quentin Tarantino and Fiona Apple? I'm amazed those two are friends. Fiona hates to talk, and Quentin never ever ever shuts up. And I can't count the times Fiona faked a laugh or feigned enthusiasm at something Quentin was rambling about… was quite entertaining, actually. Almost worth sitting through an hour of his endless jabbering. Almost.

The All-TIME 100 Albums? My ass. Where's Pink Floyd? Appetite for Destruction? Elvis Costello? Odyssey and Oracle? Tommy? Forever Changes? Ten? Marquee Moon?

Like a Virgin
This might be old news in the blogosphere, but I'm just finding it now, so bear with me. Harry Knowles, the purveyor of all things geek, has written a bizarre little rant questioning whether the invincible cheerleader in Heroes (played by Hayden Panettiere) has a rejuvenating hymen.
I'm not sure if that question is creepy or brilliant.

Driven to the Pourhouse
For some reason, I'm a sucker for streaks. As in, streaks that I'm a part of. Maybe I mean routines.* Either way, I fear I'm currently stuck in one.
Last Sunday I went to the Village Pourhouse with two friends to watch NFL games. I was rooting for the Dolphins, R___ was rooting for the Redskins, and B___ for the Lions. All three won. Quite a memorable feat, since those teams had been a combined 4-17 at that point and were playing teams a combined 16-5. I returned yesterday to watch with three different friends... J___ rooting for the Steelers, S___ rooting for the Jets, S___ rooting for the Eagles, and I again rooting for the Fins. Again, all our teams won (And, I should point out, R___ and B___ were both absent, and their teams both lost). I'm telling you, this bar is charmed.
Now I'm thinking that I should watch football there every Sunday to keep the Dolphins' win streak alive. But this leads to several problems, such as:
1) It's not that convenient to get to from my apartment. 2 subways, in fact. And to get there for 1:00 games, I give up some precious sleeping-in time.
2) I end up eating and drinking at least $40 worth of stuff while there. Meaning it would be an expensive enterprise to continue throughout the season.
But I know that if I skip a week and the Dolphins lose, I'll be kicking myself. And really, the Fins have to run the table to even have a chance for the playoffs this season.
Damn my pseudo-OCD personality!

* The best example of this is my NFL suicide pool, where every week you have to pick one team to win. Your team wins and you move onto the next week; if it ties or loses, you're out. And you can only pick each team once per season. Last year my co-worker and I made it to Week 17 before losing, but at least that put us in the money. This year we'd made it to Week 6 with no problem. And every week, I was the one who physically entered the pick. But for Week 7, I was in Orlando for a wedding and without computer access, so my co-worker had to enter the pick. Sure enough, we lost. And I'm convinced it was due to the deviation in our routine.

Over the weekend I came home to find another message on my answering machine intended for Professor Brian Greene. Here it is:
Hello, I was trying to reach Brian Greene, high-energy physicist . My name is _____ and I’m in Oklahoma City. My number is _____. And I’ve derived an equation which involves the divergence of a field that is extremely strong coming from all directions, um, such that a blockage of that field in any way would totally destroy whatever was involved. Um, it has some potential, and I was wanting to run it by you and see if there was a group of people I could run it by. I’ve contacted Professor _____ not knowing that you were at Columbia as well. But just to get this out in a forum, because I’m saying some things that match up the forces, that this one field would explain a heck of a lot what’s going on. It’s not that your work is, uh, irrelevant; it’s just that, it’s subsumed by this field. And I just wanted to get in with a group of acadecmicians… acad… acadecmicians who would be able to discuss it without assuming it was wrong or without my putting it forth as right. I’m just more curious than anything. Um, I have a derivational paper, if you’re interested. Again, my number is _____. Thank you.
So let me get this straight... you want to see if he would be interested in meeting to discuss some crackpot theory that would render all of his years of work inconsequential? Especially with someone with such a poor grasp of vocabulary and sentence structure? No, I don't think he would be interested in that, thank you very much.

Wow, leave it to professional wrestlers and people with Down Syndrome to record the worst songs of all time.
And I warn you, these songs are TERRIBLE... listen at your own risk.

TRL Moment of the Week
Vanessa Hudgens was our special co-host for the day on Monday. Her video "Come Back To Me" had spent a few days on the countdown, but not since October 16th. So we did a stunt with her where her video could "come back to" the countdown if she wanted to replace one of that day's requests with her own video (she ended up replacing Weird Al's "White & Nerdy").
At the end of the show, VJDamien was supposed to say to her that she did a great job and that she can come back anytime to co-host again. During the #1 video, VJDamien was chatting with her and asked her if she did want to come back tomorrow. She replied, "I don't know... Will my video be on the countdown?"
For someone so young and new to the industry, she sure learns quickly.

Some quick music links:

1) Why can I not stop laughing at this Ray Charles? And yes, I know I'm going to hell.

2) The new Johnny Cash video, "God's Gonna Cut You Down," features, well, just about everyone (Johnny Depp, Flea, Adam Levine, Kate Moss, Keith Richards, Sheryl Crow, Iggy Pop, Justin Timberlake, Kris Kristofferson, Brian Wilson, Woody Harrelson, Dennis Hopper, Kanye West, the Dixie Chicks, Jay-Z, Anthony Kiedis, Bono, Chris Martin... I'm sure there's more, but I'm not gonna watch it again to double-check, even though it is really good). Watch it here. And yes, unfortunately you'll have to sit through an ad or two. Stupid MTV.com.

3) Are you Team R.E.M. or Team U2?

Well look what's been found... produced by Sean Beaven and everything.

GnR's camp promised Rolling Stone in the last issue that it would be released this year... maybe my wish is finally coming true.

The good news for New Yorkers (and especially me): Biscuit BBQ has reopened in Brooklyn. Hopefully they'll start doing their monthly "pig pulls" again.

The better news: their new slogan is awesome!

Wild Side
According to ABC News, Christopher Walken will be playing Ozzy Osbourne in the big-screen version of Motley Crue's The Dirt (and Val Kilmer will play David Lee Roth). If the report is true, that is a fascinating choice. Walken is 5 years older than Ozzy, but will be playing a version of him from 20 years ago. That seems to defy all laws of physics. However, if any actor will be able to capture Ozzy's quirks, it has to be Walken.
By the way, if you haven't read The Dirt, I highly suggest you go out and buy it right now. It's no great literary achievement. But man, those guys were animals. I cannot fathom how they will be able to translate much of their story into a film suitable for mass consumption... in fact, watering it down to avoid an NC-17 could be a disaster. If you take away the sex and the drugs, what's left? Here's hoping they can figure this out.

Also, McSweeney's sure has Aaron Sorkin's number.

And finally, who else thinks that Blogger sure does suck lately?

Here's a breaking news story from the AP today: people in New York City can have pot delivered directly to their apartments. Wow, who knew? What, has this douchebag reporter been cryogenically frozen since 1999? What's next on his agenda, Hanson-mania?
Then again, maybe I'm being too harsh. I guess people who don't live in NYC might not know that this occurs. I'm constantly surprised at the number of my friends and acquaintances who have never even been to NYC (not to be immodest, but I didn't grow up in a Podunk, middle-of-nowhere town, so it is slightly suprising). When I went to Orlando for my good friend's (from high school) wedding, I was amazed at how few of them had never visited the city. I was spoiled: my parents grew up here and my sister was born here, and although my family moved to Florida shortly before I was born, my dad still had to come up here for business meetings every 6 weeks or so, and he'd bring us with him once a year. So at a young age I got used to the city and how things work around here.
I suppose that if you're not exposed to this until later in life, it can come as a shock. I remember very clearly when the aforementioned groom came to visit me during the summer of 1999, when I was here interning for MTV. He wandered around with his head tilted upward, awestruck by the size of the buildings and all that the city had to offer (almost to the point of walking into oncoming traffic because he wasn't paying attention to the street). It amazed me that he was so taken aback by the city. I guess it's all a matter of experience.
So basically what I'm trying to say is that I think this story is ridiculously outdated. But maybe I'm wrong.

Top 100 Songs of the 80s (a.k.a. The Post That Fully Reveals Just How Lame I Am and Causes My Readers to Abandon Me)
VH1 recently ran their 100 Greatest Songs of the 80s, and yes, I sat through all 5 hours of it. The list was voted on by their viewers, which probably explains why it's such a train wreck (it's also very surprising for a VH1 countdown like this to be missing big names like Peter Gabriel, Tina Turner, Huey Lewis, and Paul Simon. There's quite an emphasis on one-hit wonders). Therefore, I had to come up with my own list.
A couple of notes about my list that will hopefully explain my choices:
a) These are all songs that made a singles chart either here in the U.S. or in the U.K. Obviously it would be a much different list if I included album tracks and obscure songs, but that's usually how these things are done.
b) No cover songs.
c) This list isn't the Top 100 80s Songs of the 80s, but it does focus on 80s music, which has a very distinct sound. Therefore I don't necessarily think these are the best songs in terms of quality, but my favorites of this type of music (with some exceptions of songs that I truly think are great no matter what decade)
d) I've only written comments for select songs. No real reason, except that I didn't want to make this post too bulky.
e) Arranging the order was terribly tedious and imprecise. There are many songs that could've swapped places with one another. But you get the general gist of it. And I'll stick with the top 5.

100. “Opposites Attract” – Paula Abdul: Only because of the MC Skat Cat section
99. “Wipe Out” –Fat Boys f/ Beach Boys: I say it's not technically a cover, because the original didn't have lyrics. Has there ever been a more bizarre collaboration?
98. “No Myth” – Michael Penn
97. “True Faith” – New Order
96. “Johnny Are You Queer?” – Josie Cotton
95. “Pop Goes the World” – Men Without Hats: Yes, I like this better than "Safety Dance."
94. “Biko” – Peter Gabriel
93. “You’re the Inspiration” – Chicago
92. “Break My Stride” – Matthew Wilder
91. “Kyrie” – Mr. Mister
90. “Somebody” – Bryan Adams
89. “Self Control” – Laura Branigan
88. “Walking on Sunshine” – Katrina & the Waves
87. “Wouldn’t It Be Good” – Nik Kershaw
86. “When We Was Fab” – George Harrison
85. “When I’m With You” – Sheriff: I'm a sucker for power ballads.
84. “Oh Sherrie” – Steve Perry: Remember the woman from the video with the saggy breasts and no bra? It's 20 years later... they're probably drooping all the way to the ground by now.
83. “A Little Respect” – Erasure
82. “Open Arms” – Journey
81. “Overkill” – Men at Work: The acoustic version used on Scrubs is even better than the original, but it doesn't qualify for this list.
80. “Everything She Wants” – Wham!
79. “Your Love” – Outfield: How does he hit those high notes?
78. “Toy Soldiers” – Martika
77. “The Killing Moon” – Echo & the Bunnymen
76. “And We Danced" – Hooters: Representing my alma mater, UPenn.
75. “Goodnight Saigon” – Billy Joel
74. “I Can’t Hold Back” – Survivor
73. “Here Comes Your Man” – Pixies
72. “Centerfold” – J. Geils Band
71. “Don’t Shed a Tear” – Paul Carrack
70. “Forever Young” – Alphaville: The ultimate 80s prom song.
69. “Land of Confusion” – Genesis: The fact that I love this video probably caused this to land much higher than it should have.
68. “Angel Eyes” – Jeff Healey Band: a.k.a. the blind guy who sang in the bar band in Roadhouse.
67. “I Want to Break Free” – Queen
66. “Kickstart My Heart” – Motley Crue
65. “I Wanna Rock” – Twisted Sister
64. “Everything Counts” – Depeche Mode
63. “The Way You Make Me Feel” – Michael Jackson
62. “I Guess That’s Why They Call It the Blues” – Elton John
61. “In a Big Country” – Big Country: Extra points for using your band's name in the song, a popular 80s trend (Wham, Wang Chung).
60. “Danger Zone” – Kenny Loggins
59. “Ashes to Ashes” – David Bowie: Following the rule that sequels are never as good as the original ("Space Oddity" in this case, which I'm sure you already know), but still a fine tune.
58. “At This Moment” – Billy Vera: Who's having Family Ties flashbacks right now? I am!
57. “Bad” – U2: It was hard to find a chart that this had appeared on. Thank you, Billboard Mainstream Rock Tracks!
56. “Brass in Pocket” – Pretenders
55. “There Is a Light That Never Goes Out” – The Smiths
54. “If You Leave” – Orchestral Maneuvers in the Dark
53. “It’s a Sin” – Pet Shop Boys
52. “Hysteria” – Def Leppard
51. “You Spin Me Round (Like a Record)” – Dead or Alive: Ultragrrrl may think this is the "most gayest song" ever recorded, but so what?
50. “Material Girl” – Madonna
49. “Whisper to a Scream (Birds Fly)” – Icicle Works
48. “Fairytale of New York” – Pogues: It must be so much fun when this song comes on in a pub in Ireland at like 1:30 in the morning.
47. “In the Air Tonight” – Phil Collins
46. “Punk Rock Girl” – Dead Milkmen
45. “She-Bop” – Cyndi Lauper
44. “We Belong” – Pat Benatar
43. “Fortress Around Your Heart” – Sting
42. “Simply Irresistible” – Robert Palmer: My favorite of his Big 3 Songs (as in they had videos with the clueless but hot female musicians).
41. “Hey Ladies” – Beastie Boys
40. “It’s Tricky” – Run D.M.C.: "Walk This Way" was ineligible due to rule b), but I like this better anyway. Great guitar riff.
39. “Boys of Summer” – Don Henley
38. “Head Over Heels” –Go-Go’s: The ultimate in bubble-gum pop.
37. “New Sensation” – INXS
36. “Everyday Is Like Sunday” – Morrissey
35. “You Give Love a Bad Name” – Bon Jovi: I'll take this over "Livin' On a Prayer" anyday. When the instruments drop out during the chorus at the end and everyone starts chanting, you can't resist pumping your fist in the air (especially if you're surrounded by Jersey trash).
34. “Paradise City” – Guns N Roses
33. “Running Down a Dream” – Tom Petty
32. “Rosanna” – Toto: Somehow the ugliest band in rock history landed 2 songs in the top 1/3 of this list. Go figure.
31. “Come Dancing” – Kinks: Ray Davies showed he could still write incredibly clever lyrics 20 years into his career.
30. “U Got the Look” – Prince f/ Sheena Easton: Human League's "Don't You Want Me" is not the best battle-of-the-sexes song of the 80s. This is.
29. “Against All Odds” – Phil Collins
28. “Only You” – Yazoo: Or is it Yaz?
27. “Alone” – Heart
26. “Never Tear Us Apart” – INXS
25. “Perfect Way” – Scritti Politti: I'm going to see him in concert on Friday. And he apparently refuses to play this song live. Dang!
24. “Wild Boys” – Duran Duran: The words make no sense, and neither does the video, but that doesn't matter when you have percussion like this.
23. “La Isla Bonita – Madonna
22. “And She Was” – Talking Heads
21. “When Doves Cry” – Prince
20. “Brilliant Disguise” – Bruce Springsteen
19. “Hot for Teacher” – Van Halen: The rumors of a summer 2007 reunion tour with Diamond Dave are heating up. Sweet!
18. “Heart & Soul” – T’pau
17. “Bad Reputation” – Joan Jett: Probably helped by the fact that it was the theme song to Freaks and Geeks.
16. “Head Over Heels” – Tears for Fears
15. “Africa” – Toto
14. “Manic Monday” – Bangles
13. “Take on Me” – A-ha: How does he hit those high notes?
12. “Things Can Only Get Better” – Howard Jones: Sadly they didn't for him... but he had a good run.
11. “Pour Some Sugar on Me” – Def Leppard: One-armed drumming never sounded so good.
10. “Every Breath You Take” – Police
9. “Something About You” – Level 42
8. “Drive” – Cars
7. “Voices Carry” – til Tuesday
6. “The Final Countdown” – Europe: How did this not make VH1's list?
5. “Time After Time” – Cyndi Lauper: Heartbreaking song. But in a good way.
4. “Candy Girl” – New Edition: Has there been a catchier song recorded ever in the history of the world? I defy you to find one.
3. “Obsession” – Animotion: The prototypical 80s song. Huge bass line, huge synths, it builds towards the final chorus and then everything collides at the end. Love it!
2. “Love Song” – Cure: I like my love songs simple. This song is simple. And beautiful.
1. “Sweet Child of Mine” – Guns N Roses: If you didn't see this coming, you don't know me at all.

Three Is a Magic Number
Today, LSTT turns 3 years old. Which means that it's lasted longer than Arrested Development did. What does that say about the world?
Seriously, I'm amazed I've managed to keep this going as long as I have. This is my 1,236th post. That's a lot of writing... although not as much as it would have been had I kept up the pace of my original posts. Looking back at those, this site has certainly evolved, and not necessarily in ways I'm totally happy with. Were my posts angrier back then? Yes, and while they reflected my opinions, they didn't really reflect my personality. But I also think I put more thought and effort into them, rather than going for cheap laughs and funny links like I do now. Sure, I'm still up for a rant or two these days... but they are few and far between. Maybe I just don't have as much to say these days. I hope that's not true... particularly considering I'm a writer by trade.
In the near future I'm gonna try to come full circle and make my posts more like those early ones... hopefully not at the expense of my bringing the funny to all my loyal readers. And I do appreciate the people who visit the site, who comment on the site, who send posts from my site to their friends. Considering the relatively small readership (at least according to Webstat, which I often think underestimates my numbers), this site has a wide reach. Hopefully it will continue to grow.
Now please forgive me for this sappy self-reflection. It happens when you get older. At least that's what old people tell me.

Update: I just looked back at my 1-year anniversary post, and it's eerily similar. But I'm too lazy to rewrite this entry. Not a good start to my promise...

A Horse Is a Horse, Of Course, Of Course (Unless It's Nothing Like a Horse Whatsoever)
This is one of the funniest things I've ever seen.

Yes, Jerry Seinfeld can't act. Fortunately, his upcoming flick Bee Movie is animated. But the new trailer is not. It is, however, very funny. Check it out here.

TRL Moment of the Week
Tuesday's Halloween show was one of our dreaded Overdrive days, where we have a backstage show running simultaneously online. For one of the segments, we had members of the audience try to conquer their fears. One kid had a fear of lizards, one a fear of spiders, and one a fear of clowns. We brought each of these things into the studio for the kids to confront head-on. For the clown, our segment producer found Wendy the Clown, who may be the worst, most pathetic clown to ever wear make-up. I'm not even kidding... I can't imagine her trying to entertain children at a birthday party. See for yourself here. Sorry, you'll have to sit through a short ad first... then skip ahead to 3:37 (the time counts backwards)

And I just have to point out that this was the week from hell in terms of guests. Every single one backed out of the creative at the last minute. Monday, the All-American Rejects (after promising to strip if their video reached #1 on the countdown) bailed on taking off an article of clothing for each request that wasn't theirs... in fact, the only clothes they took off at all were their shoes. Tuesday, Lady Sovereign was in the midst of a belching contest on the air, but chickened out when her opponent let out a mighty belch and instead simply poured soda all over the studio floor. And Thursday, Kevin Federline refused to do a stunt where we would give him lyrics to Britney's biggest hits and he would have to give the next lines (and easy ones too, such as "My loneliness is killing me, and I must confess, I still believe, ________"), claiming that he doesn't know a single lyric to his wife's songs.
I'm so glad we take the time to prep stunts.

'Roid Rage
Yesterday, Guillermo Mota was suspended 50 games for violating the policy, effective at the start of the season. In today's New York Times, this article states that they don't release what drug he used or when it happened; it could've been at the start of the season when he pitched for the Cleveland Indians, or towards the end when he was a Met. But the appeals process just ended, which is why the suspension was only recently announced.
So let me get this straight... he gets busted for using drugs, then continues to pitch for a team that came within striking distance of winning a World Series. It's possible he used drugs in May, but could've won a World Series ring before he was punished. And not only that, but the suspension is only for actual games; he can still do winter ball, practice with the team, and play in exhibition games (unlike in the NFL, when players are barred from team facilities). How is that acceptable at all? Baseball's drug policy is a joke. No wonder players continue to get larger, their heads more square, their testicles shriveling. There's nothing to fear here. And I guarantee that even though he'll miss the first 50 games of the season, the new free agent Mota will unquestionably still land a multi-year, multit-million-dollar deal. It makes me sick.

So the new SoundScan numbers came out today, and Brooke Hogan's debut album, Undiscovered, sold 29,732 copies its first week. Not very good, considering that it was produced by uber-producer Scott Storch, that the first single featured Paul Wall, and that she had a reality show (Hogan Knows Best) devoted almost exclusively to promoting it. Worse, I just checked and discovered that Hulk Hogan's 1995 album Hulk Rules has sold 21,000 copies even though it was basically a children's novelty album with no promotion / music videos / performances behind it.
Seems to me she needs to start working on her mustache and 24-inch pythons.

Can't You Hear Me Knockin'
Anyone wanna hook me up with a ticket to the Rolling Stones at the Beacon tonight, without charging me $1,000? Anyone?

A candy bracket? Let's go Nestle Crunch! Go Oreos! Go Gummy Bears (just barely over Peanut Butter Cups)! Go Blue Star LSD Tattoo!

Queens of Noise (a.k.a. A Halloween Post That Has Nothing To Do With Halloween)
Over the weekend I watched Edgeplay, a documentary about The Runaways directed by former member Vicki Blue. I tell you, this movie is utterly fascinating. The women, both original and replacement members, are entirely open about their career, about their feelings towards each other, about the mental and physical (and even sexual) abuse they suffered in their formative years. Blue even includes footage that takes place during breaks in the interviews, when the women think they're speaking off the record. They don't hold back, and the more they talk, the more they can't resist insulting and revealing secrets about one another. It gets extremely personal, and leads me to believe that a reunion will never be in the cards.
There is one HUGE drawback: Joan Jett has no involvement at all. You only occasionally see her in archival footage, but never get her opinion on anything. That's a huge gap. And apparently she prevented the filmmakers from using any Runaways music in the movie. There are a couple of live performances of cover songs that include sound, but other than that they use random music and even some new tunes from Vicki. It's crushing not to be able to hear the musical progression or listen to the girls in the studio. On a smaller note, Blue can't seem to ever let the camera linger on an interview subject, constantly cutting to black & white shots, slow-motion cutaways, etc. She tries to be too stylish, and it ends up backfiring. But it can't take away from the content.
Music fans, or just fans of cattiness, I highly recommend this.