My friend Marc sent me this link... you know, some people get exactly what they deserve.

I'm leaving for Florida tonight to spend Thanksgiving with the family. Will be nice to get out of the city for a few days and spend time with them, but it just doesn't seem right for it to be 80 degrees at the end of November...

While buying lunch, the guy ahead of me paid his $6.30 in quarters... and the retard kept losing count and having to start over... what a douche. If only my knife hadn't been made out of plastic... and if only I had the guts to back up statements like that...

Oh boy, lots to complain about today...

Once again, the subways are the bane of my existence... trying to get to Brooklyn on Saturday night, need to take the L to Bedford, but of course the L isn't running over the weekend. Signs say that a shuttle bus will make all L stops. Wait for a shuttle bus, finally get one, it takes forever to make its way east, then drops everyone off at the brown JMZ line. People complain that the bus is supposed to be making L stops in Brooklyn, but the driver just keeps repeating "Take train to Brooklyn." Get on a J, even though I've never ridden that line before and have no idea where it drops me. Through some stroke of luck I run into a friend on his way to the same party right after I get off the train, and am good to go. After almost a 2-hour trip, that is. On the way home, I take the J again, and get somewhat excited that I can take it to Broadway-Fulton and transfer to a 2 or 3 to take me uptown. Wrong again, as for some reason the J stops at Chambers. "End of the line." Only train to transfer to is the 4, which goes up the east side. I consider taking it to Grand Central to take the shuttle across to Times Square and then grabbing a 2/3, but then remember that of course the shuttle doesn't run late at night. So I take the 4 up to 77th and then have to cab it through the park. Another hour and a half worth of travel. Fucking MTA...

I should have probably done this already, but I think I'm officially done with ER. (Spoiler alert!!!) They killed off Dr. Romano. A helicopter fell on him. Reread that last sentence. A HELICOPTER FELL ON HIM!!! This is the same character who lost his arm in a helicopter accident only 14 months ago! Even Wile E. Coyote isn't that unlucky. Romano's insults were the saving grace on the show for the past few years. What a great character. What will they do to fill the void? I won't be watching to find out.

Went to scout talent at a comedy show at Above Kleptomania on Friday night. That would be the comedy club sitting atop a peep show on 8th Ave. Sketchy to begin with, so I had my doubts about the quality of the show. First act, a sketch comedy group called Skeeger. Not very good, but one or two good moments. Second group was The Josh & Tamra Show, which was the reason we went. Improv puppet show. Actually very funny. Good enough to merit a link to their site. Third group, Undercover Burnout. So bad that for the last 20 minutes (of about a 22-minute show) I just kept thinking that I should take the gum I was chewing at stick it in the hair of the girl sitting next to me, since that would be so much more entertaining than what was happening onstage. Then, as we were leaving, the 3 girls I'm with want to check out a peep show, so we wander in, they being totally oblivious to the fact that the rooms hold one person and clueless as to what's going on behind the closed doors. I managed to herd them out without removing my hands from my jacket pockets.

I'll close with one more subway story... on my way out to Brooklyn, I see a mother with a little girl in a stroller. The girl is flipping through an issue of BuenHogar magazine (all my years of high-school Spanish lead me to believe that the title translates to "Good Fireplace," but that can't be right). I can't translate a lot of what's on the cover, but I do see the word "SEXO." Now this girl may not be able to read yet, but should she really be looking at magazines like that? Whatever happened to Highlights? And why do parents think that their parental responsibilities don't exist on the subway? A couple weeks ago I stared as a mother watched her 6-year-old daughter licking a pole on the subway! Does she want her child to get polio? This city never ceases to amaze me...

Earlier this week, the 8 finalists for the World Trade Center Site Memorial Competition were announced. I'm not wild about any of them, but if I had to choose a favorite, I'd go with Lower Waters. Still, am I the only person who thinks that such a memorial is unnecessary? Yes, we should have something that commemorates the lives of those who died in the September 11 attacks. But these designs are gratuitously ornate. The city, which is in the midst of a huge budget deficit, should not be spending millions and millions of dollars constructing such elaborate sites, when the money could be used for much greater good. I would guess that families of the victims would, if asked, prefer that we spend money to help the homeless, boost education, or pay for more police and sanitation, instead of on 2,982 spotlights in a garden (as suggested by Garden of Lights). The WTC attack was a tragedy, and we should never forget those we have lost. But I don't think that we need this type of memorial to preserve their memory, especially when we can put that money to much more important use.

Ah, the tears of a clown...

All I have to say is: this is genius!

In this interview, Blink 182 claim that they almost named their newest album "Our Pet Sounds," but ultimately common sense took over and they rejected it. This story does make me happy, though, in that a modern band like Blink has appreciation for the Beach Boys classic, which has been losing its luster in the music community for years. As opposed to the consistent popularity of the Beatles, the Beach Boys legacy has been tarnished by the buffoonery of Mike Love and lawsuits among the different touring groups claiming the Beach Boys name. Although it used to fight tooth and nail with "Sgt. Pepper" over the title of greatest album of all time, it's status has taken a beating. VH1's countdown in 2001 of the Top 100 Albums had "Pet Sounds" at #3, behind "Revolver" and "Nevermind" (!). Too many people now write the Beach Boys off as fluff, and aside from "Pet Sounds," the rest of their catalog is virtually ignored. Fortunately, there have been some encouraging signs of late. Rolling Stone's new issue on the 500 Greatest Albums has "Pet Sounds" at #2 (behind "Sgt. Pepper"), and many artists, including Scott Weiland, Sean Lennon, and Paul McCartney (perhaps the biggest "Pet Sounds" advocate there is) continue to praise the album in interviews. Also, Brian Wilson has been touring and playing the album in its entirety, to rave reviews. While I don't think that average Blink fans would go out and buy "Pet Sounds" after reading that interview, I can hope that they do. Not just for the sake of the legacy, but for the listener. "Pet Sounds" is beautiful music. Everyone should listen to it.

* Note - in my mind, "Sgt. Pepper" isn't the best Beatles album. Although it's terrific, no album with "When I'm Sixty-Four" and "Good Morning, Good Morning" could be considered the best anything. "Abbey Road," "The Beatles" (aka "The White Album"), and "Revolver" are all superior.

So a warrant is out for Michael Jackson. Another alleged child molestation charge. And here were are, on the 10th anniversary of his first one. This is a very poor way of drumming up interest for his upcoming album, at least in my opinion. Or maybe the 70+ police officers just wanted an excuse to spend a day at Neverland Ranch. I can picture them riding the Ferris Wheel, ramming each other with bumper cars, eating cotton candy, all while “searching for clues.” What a sham. Anyway, should be interesting to see how this plays out, especially since he has had some financial difficulties over the past few years and may not be able to afford another $20 million settlement.

On the subject of music (and inappropriateness), I watched Pumping Iron for the first time over the weekend. Has there ever been a worse mismatch in terms of a film’s themesong? If you haven’t heard this classic folk ditty by Michael Small, give it a listen. You don’t have to see the movie to know that it just doesn’t fit. What were they thinking?

One final musical note (no pun intended)… what has happened to regular albums? It seems like everything released these days is a greatest hits or compilation. Off the top of my head, I can think of No Doubt, Michael Jackson, Red Hot Chili Peppers, Stone Temple Pilots, J-Lo (by the way, the words “J-Lo” and “greatest hits” don’t deserve to be anywhere near each other… even separately, “J-Lo” with “greatest” or “hits” should be banned), REM, Madonna, Sheryl Crow, Pearl Jam, David Bowie, and Bruce Springsteen all putting these out recently. At least these artists have enough material to merit such collections… remember when Fine Young Cannibals put out “Finest” after only 2 albums and 4 top-40 singles? Yeah, didn’t think so… Regardless, this online music debacle sure has ruined the concept of albums. Now people only care about singles. Think we’ll ever get another “Dark Side of the Moon,” “Tommy,” or “Pet Sounds”? The only band that comes to mind in terms of cohesive albums is Radiohead, and I haven’t been able to listen to their last three releases. Not that there’s anything wrong with a lifetime of VH1 Classic and Q104.3...

For those of you who haven't been able to watch the Paris tape, check out this link to amuse yourself. Sure, you can't really masturbate to it (at least I hope you can't), but it's definitely worth a look.

I’ve been holding off on ranting about the downfall of The Simpsons for quite some time now. But after watching this Sunday’s episode (and some prodding by my friend Gabe), I can’t bite my tongue anymore. What the hell has happened to my favorite show? It’s brutal! Having an entire episode parody Evita is so out-of-touch with its audience, I don’t even know where to begin. The writers spent so much time incorporating the Simpson universe into the story of Eva Peron that they forgot to write any jokes. In the 3 episodes so far this season, I have laughed ONE TIME… during the final “Treehouse of Horror” segment, when Homer is trying to eat the donuts that keep disappearing. That’s one laugh over three episodes. A Minute with Stan Hooper has a better track record than that!
Over the past few seasons, I have noticed many things wrong with The Simpsons. Here are some suggestions on how to fix them. (Note - for more info on episodes that I reference, please check the best and most comprehensive website ever, The Simpsons Archive)
1) Eliminate shows in which each segment is its own storyline. This includes the annual Halloween episodes and inserting the Simpsons into old stories (see “Tales from the Public Domain” and “Simpsons Tall Tales”). Parodies should fit naturally into original storylines; if the writers do this too often, it means they are out of ideas.
2) As an offshoot of this, keep the Simpsons in Springfield. Except for the New York episode, it is murder when they leave their environment.(see “Simpson Safari” and “Blame It On Lisa”).
3) Yet another offshoot of this is to keep the Simpsons grounded in reality. Yes, it’s a cartoon, and this allows the show to do things that other sitcoms cannot. But recently the show has taken storylines to ridiculous levels (see “The Computer Wore Menace Shoes” and “The Frying Game”).
4) There is no need for celebrity voices in every episode. Also, celebrity voices usually work better when they do not play themselves (exceptions do occur, particularly when celebrities present awards, and often musicians can override this, but not always). Danny DeVito as Herb… great. David Byrne as himself (“Dude, Where’s My Ranch?”)… not great. Donald Sutherland as Hollis Hurlbut (“Lisa the Iconoclast”)… great. Butch Patrick as himself (“Eight Misbehavin’”)… not great. And Michael Moore on this week’s episode was so completely pointless as to not even merit a comment.
5) Stop solidifying scenarios that have been hinted at for year. For example, the relationship between Lenny and Karl. It was somewhat funny and bizarre that they spent so much time together. Now they seem to me making it a full-blown homosexual relationship. Mind you, I have no problem with homosexual relationships. But it was better left unsaid. Oh, and naming them Karl Karlson and Lenny Leonard is just plain dumb.
6) Ease up on the jokes about genitals.
7) Ease up on injuring Homer.
8) Basically, simplify! Get back to basics!
Regardless of my problems with the show, I will continue to watch The Simpsons every week. Their years of incredible episodes have earned my loyalty. To commemorate the 300th episode, this website gave 300 reasons to love The Simpsons (note that almost every one is from the first 10 seasons). I could easily make it 3,000. I recently watched Season 3 on DVD, and every episode is terrific, even though the show had not yet reached its pinnacle. But I no longer consider it the best show on tv… that would be The Office. Nor is it the best animated show on tv… that would be South Park (for comparison’s sake, watch South Park’s parody of The Simpsons in “The Simpsons Already Did It” vs. The Simpson’s parody of South Park in “The Bart of War” – that alone should convince you).
I fear that the image of The Simpsons has been permanently damaged. I hope they can turn it around before the end.

What is up with Roger Ebert lately? He has given a "thumbs up" the last 13 films he's reviewed (meaning at least 3 stars on a 4-star scale). I have not seen all 13 of these films, so I cannot judge all of them. But I have seen Elf, The Singing Detective, and Matrix Revolutions, all of which he gave 3 stars. Elf was okay; I wouldn't have given 3, but I'll give Ebert the benefit of the doubt. The Singing Detective was a garbled mess, redeemed only be good performances by Robert Downey Jr. and Mel Gibson. And if you scroll down a few days, you'll see my thoughts on the worst movie of the new millenium, Matrix Revolutions. If you read his review, he says that he didn't even really like or understand the movie. I think that maybe Ebert's body may have reached its saturation point for fat, which is now making its way to his brain and causing a short-circuit (much like in the episode of The Simpsons where Apu gets fired and lives with the Simpson family... and after Homer compliments Apu's cooking of vegetables, which supposedly clear the cholesterol out his heart, we see the cholesterol travel from his heart to his brain, causing Homer to remark "Uh, Apu me friend good."). Maybe I should try another reviewer... but they're all so damn ugly...

AL MVP award is announced today, and if it's not A-rod, Frank Thomas, or Carlos Delgado because none of their teams made the playoffs, expect some fireworks from me in my next post...

Last night I went to the Lion's Den for a Decent Xposure show. Decent Xposure attempts to, well, give exposure to unsigned bands. The show overall was pretty good, but I since I have this page, I may as well give props to my favorite band of the night, The Low Life. Check out their site for info and sound clips...

Wow, another sad day. Drummer Tony Thompson, only 48, has passed away. I can say that I wasn't a very big fan of Chic (or disco music in general), although it's hard to dislike "Good Times" (at the very least because it led to "Rapper's Delight" and "Another One Bites the Dust"). But I was a fan (in a very guilty pleasure sort of way) of Power Station, at least of their 80's album, which I still have on vinyl. And I couldn't deny his talent. And now I'm scared, because half of the supergroup has died in less than two months (Robert Palmer, who from what I've read and heard was one of the nicest, most genuine people in the industry, died on September 26). That leaves the two Taylors, who are in the midst of a surprisingly powerful Duran Duran reunion. This curse must end here. I know that bad things happen in threes. Let's hope that this case is an exception. And Tony Thompson, you will be missed (as will Robert Palmer... I would have given you your proper due had my blog existed back in September).

Went to a Troma party at Planet Hollywood last night. Well, it wasn't really a "Troma party," but it was a party that Troma helped sponsor, and featured a Toxie, a Sgt. Kabukiman NYPD, and Tromettes. And lots of booze. And Lloyd Kaufman filming DVD intros. All the basic ingredients of a Troma party. I worked at Troma for almost a year. When I first got the job, I couldn't have been more thrilled to be a part of the company responsible for Killer Condom and Chopper Chicks in Zombietown. But the shine rubs off very quickly, especially when as the biggest person in the office you are forced to wear the Toxic Avenger outfit, featuring heavy latex mask with one eyehole that doesn't line up with your eye and no nose or mouth holes. At least naked women were always willing to frolic with Toxie. And I must give Lloyd credit. For all of the shit, he still manages to crank out lots of product, with various degrees of success, through incredible guerilla tactics. It was quite remarkable watching him recruit the hottest women at the party to jump and jiggle for the camera. Troma has been going strong for 30 years. It's the cockroach of the movie industry, and will probably be around long after the other studios have been decimated. More power to them. I just will never work there again.

One more thing... Today at 5:30pm, author Nick Hornby will be at the Wall Street Borders to read from "Songbook," his collection of essays about his favorite music. Anyone who's ever read any Hornby (or seen either High Fidelity or About a Boy) should be keenly aware that this guy KNOWS his music. My friend Tommy gave me this book as a birthday present, and it's incredible. Even if you aren't familiar with some of the songs, his passion about them is infectious and extremely entertaining, and I'm sure that the passion will only intensify in person. Should be a great talk. I wish I could go.

P.S. Tommy also KNOWS his music, and often writes about it in his blog. Check it out, won't you?

Very windy NYC morning... the MTV building is swaying and creaking non-stop... more than a little creepy. Supposed to get cold today... and those 40 mph winds sure won't help. Doesn't bother me, though. Everyone thinks I'm crazy when I tell them I like the cold, seeing as how I'm from Florida. But after growing up with 18 years of heat and non-seasons, the cold is a welcome change. Mother Earth, bring it on, biyatch!

Is it illegal to shoot pigeons with an air rifle? Animal cruelty? I really need to look into this, because I'm reaching my breaking point. Normally I have no problem with pigeons, but I have a major problem with the ones that sit on the ledge outside my bedroom window and coo every morning at like 7am. Every freakin' morning. And I either have to try to ignore them (impossible) or drag myself out of bed and rattle the window to get them to scatter, which ruins my comfort zone and only works temporarily. Man, how sweet it would be to be able to pick them off one by one... or maybe I can hire Randy Johnson to eliminate the birds...

Finally today, a quick Simpsons-related link... of all the "inventions" from the show, this is the one that's been emulated? Why not the baby translator? The electric hammer? Even the hamburger ear-muffs or the Everything's Okay alarm?

Just read this great article about Matsui being robbed of the Rookie of the Year award. There are also several articles in newspapers across the country in which Steinbrenner makes a similar argument. Why do I mention this? Well, because I made this very point in my post yesterday morning, long before anyone else did. Of course Mike Greenberg's column is better written, more thought-out, more articulate than my post... I'm just saying, is all...

Really sad news about Art Carney. A few years ago my dad made me start watching reruns of "The Honeymooners" on TV Land, and as Norton he really was so talented and funny. Between his death and John Ritter's, the world of television will soon be left with very few good physical comics (I think the best right now is Ricky Gervais of the British show "The Office"), and we'll be stuck watching talentless actors delivering lame one-liners. "Friends" is a perfect example of the downward spiral of sitcoms... the show used to utilize the physical talents of Matthew Perry, Matt LeBlanc, and even Jennifer Aniston. Now they force us to sit through jokes about Ross not being able to stand up until his erection dies down. ("Friends" also may be the worst offender at adding unnecessary beats to jokes, as if to explain that what we just heard really was a joke... example from a recent episode, where Ross says "Ask him if it would be faster if we cut the baby's face off the penis so we could put it on the bunny... That is a weird sentence" - do we really need the second line? What's the point? If the audience didn't realize that it's a weird sentence, then it's not a good joke). Sexual jokes are not necessarily as funny as writers think they are, and writers have become way too reliant on them ("The Simpsons" is as guilty of this as any show... stop going for cheap laughs and outrageous situations and get back to social commentary and youthful observations, PLEASE!!!). If you readers think I'm crazy, please watch an episode or two (or all of them, as I'm sure there will be a marathon soon) of "The Honeymooners," and you'll see what I'm talking about.

While I'm in a ranting mood (shocker), let's discuss UPS. UPS sucks. They make every effort to ensure that customers will NOT be at their apartments for delivery. Last Tuesday I got a notice that I missed delivery of a package, and that they'd attempt another delivery tomorrow between 10:30am and 2:30pm. Now I, like a large percentage of normal people, work during the day. And thanks to the laws of physics, I cannot be in two different places at the same time (time travel movies may argue differently, but time travel leads to all sorts of trouble - please refer to Timecop for more details). I call UPS to ask them to set the delivery for the "Before 10:30am" slot. They tell me that they can't change the delivery time. So basically they have me over a barrel. I get a second notice Wednesday, obviously. So even though the box saying "sign to authorize delivery in your absence" isn't checked, I check it myself, sign the back of the notice, and leave it for Mr. UPS Delivery Guy. Get home from work on Thursday to another notice that they couldn't open the door. Of course you couldn't, jackass, I'm not home. That's why I signed the note to leave it. But they didn't leave it. Friday I get another notice saying they attempted a final delivery. I call UPS and they say that the package will be at the pick-up center in the middle of Buttfuck for the next 5 business days and I need to go get it myself. Can I get it tomorrow (Saturday)? Nope, they're closed on weekends. How late are they open on weekdays? 5pm. Thanks, that's very helpful to the working man. I finally convince them to please deliver it to my office on Monday, as there is a mailroom and it can definitely be delivered. The woman, although pleasant, has to take my information 3 times (!), claiming that for some reason the computer keeps deleting it. Hmm, if I had to guess whether the mistakes originated from the computer or from Ms. Minimum-Wage UPS Customer Service Worker, I think you can guess which one I'd choose. So when she finally tells me I'm set for delivery for Monday, I think I'm good to go. I should've known better. Monday rolls around, and no package. I call at the end of the day, and get another Ms. MWUCSW, who tells me she has no record of the redelivery. So I have to give all my information AGAIN, for redelivery now scheduled on Tuesday. Miracle of miracles, I finally do get my package yesterday, although now I have to lug it home from the office myself. Moral of this story? UPS SUCKS!!! Is it really that difficult to have delivery times after work? In the long run, it would probably be beneficial to them, as they wouldn't have to send drivers out multiple times to leave notices. But that would be a wise decision, and UPS's corporate policy doesn't allow wise decisions...

Lots to talk about today, so let's get things started...

1) Happy Veteran's Day. To all the soldiers fighting in the Middle East (and the rest of the world), I hope you come home safely.

2) Saw the Paris Hilton tape yesterday. At least 3 minutes of it. It's shot nightvision-style, so it's all green and their eyes glow devilishly. It's pretty hardcore. And her parents' claim that Paris is so whacked out of her mind that she doesn't know what's going on is absolutely not true. She's completely lucid, talking to the camera and even stopping the romp for a bit to answer her ringing cell phone. Overall, fairly entertaining. Watch it if you can find it. I hope I don't get sued for showing it to all my co-workers.

3) I wish I could similarly recommend The Matrix Revolutions, which I saw on an IMAX screen last night (the link shows that only 1/3 of critics have given it a positive review, although the number should be much much lower than that... more like ZERO). I think it is probably the worst movie I've seen since the turn of the century. It is excruciatingly boring... the action is tedious... the ending is a major cop-out... nothing in this one is remotely as good as the second film, which I didn't even like very much. People laughed at the dialogue and actually booed when the end credits rolled. I usually complain that the public at large is full of idiots (not you readers, of course), and that mob mentality sucks, but in this case they were right on.

4) So why did voters deny Matsui the AL Rookie of the Year award, claiming his previous experience in Japan, when they willingly gave the award to Ichiro and ignored the same mitigating factors? It's because Matsui is a Yankee. And that sucks. Matsui and Berroa both hit .287, and Berroa had 17 HR compared to Matsui's 16. But Matsui hit 50% more RBIs, struck out 14 fewer times in almost 60 more at-bats, and walked more than twice as often, given him a much higher OBP. People say that Berroa had 21 SB vs. Matsui's 2, but that only translated into 10 more runs for Berroa... and really, what good is a stolen base if it doesn't translate into a run? I'm sick of this constant Yankee hatred from most of the nation. Based on the definition of a rookie and the criteria for the award, Matsui deserved it, and he got robbed.

I've got more, but I'll save it for another post.

Well, Brandon Webb just got screwed out of the NL Rookie of the Year by jackasses who are more into hype and image than quality. Yes, Dontrelle Willis had a better record, but Webb had a better ERA (6th best in all of baseball), WHIP, and more strikeouts per inning, and kept Arizona alive when Johnson and Schilling were MIA. Willis also had more run support, which led to more wins... not to mention an atrocious second-half colapse (5-5, 4.60 ERA) that relegated him to the bullpen in the playoffs. But why should people care about an entire season?

Also, it seems that Kylie Minogue now makes clothes out of her used shower curtains. Oh, and she has ugly shower curtains.

Apparently Joe Schmo himself has spun his idiocy into a development deal. Great for him. Sad for television in general. Matt Kennedy Gould (yes, pathetic that I know his real name) is no tv personality. Except for his incredible talent of having his eyes practically bulge out of their sockets, I have no reason to watch him. He's boring. BORING. Remember that woman who was on Ripley's Believe It Or Not who really could have her eyes pop out of their sockets? I think she was also in a pizza commercial or something... she was cool. She should have a development deal. Not MKG. Shame on Spike TV.

On the subject of Joe Schmo, I loved the show. Thought it was great. Until they totally pussied out in the final episode. Why the sugarcoating? Why let him off so easily? They undermined the entire point of the show... make a total jackass out of an unsuspecting moron. But no... they felt bad for him. The "fake" prizes became real and all went ot him. The cast all apologized. Some of them cried. He didn't even seem that upset... just confused (lots of eye-bulging). The show would have been infinitely better had they said "We're all actors... nothing is real... no prizes for you... see ya, putz." Spike TV is a network for men. Men want to see carnage. This was no carnage. Shame on Spike TV.

One more thing... tough weekend for Florida football teams. UM and FSU both lost Saturday; since they are both out of the national title hunt with two losses, I'm officially done with college football for the year, at least with I-A... as for I-AA, Penn wrapped up at least a share of the Ivy League title... can they finish the season undefeated and crack the I-AA Top 10? Am I the only person on earth who cares? Then Fins and Bucs both lost on Sunday. The Dolphins loss was particularly embarrassing. I miss Shula, Marino, the Marks brothers, and Jim Jensen. At least in the late 80s, they had an exciting air attack but no defense and running game to give us hope. How can they be so bad this year with Ricky Williams and a solid D? Shame on Spike TV... er, the Dolphins...

Ads for the Dumb and Dumberer DVD have been running seemingly non-stop on tv lately. In it, one of the characters says "I like it a lot," a reference to Forrest Gump. Now Forrest Gump came out in 1994. So did Dumb and Dumber. And Dumb and Dumberer is a prequel, supposedly taking place several years before the original. Which leads me to my question... why does this bother me enough to write a post about it?

About 10 minutes ago MTV ran a promo for TRL with guest Kelly Clarkson, who said "actually" 4 times in 1 sentence. Actually, Kelly, your music sucks, and actually, from what I could tell from the ads for your movie, your acting actually sucks too. And it's about time you removed the nuts you've been storing in your cheeks for winter... it's not a good look.

Time for Fun With Links... just a couple of good sites I've discovered over the past few days...

1) This Yatta video is so random and hilarious, it just has to be seen by everyone. Makes me wish I lived in Japan. It's almost better without any explaination, but in case you really need one, check here.

2) I blatently stole this from USA Today's Hip Clicks, but really, who cares. These album covers seem straight out of a Christopher Guest mockumentary.

While we're on the subject of music, yes, "Last Stop: This Town" is the title of an Eels song from their album Electro-Shock Blues. A friend from Scotland put it on my most recent birthday mix CD, a great (and cheap) gift tradition that more people should start doing. I'm not really a big Eels fan, and E-SB is the only album of theirs I own, but it's a good song and a good album, and I wasn't prepared when the site suddenly asked me for a title for this blog. I'm sure lots of other songs would've worked better. Maybe even "Novocaine for the Soul," another Eels song. I'll probably change it at some point... but then I'll have to change or delete this post... so I guess it'll just have to stay the same. Who knows. Who cares. Whatever.

One more Eels note... they are playing at Warsaw in Brooklyn tomorrow. Great venue... I saw Joan Jett there recently. And I hear they put on an incredible live show. Sadly I can't go, or I'd review it on Monday. I'm sure you're all crushed.

P.S. It's fun addressing readers that I'm sure don't exist...

The MTA sucks.

I know that actually it doesn't suck, and that without subways I'd be even more bitter than I am now, but really... is there anything more frustrating than waiting for hours for a subway to come, and when one finally picks you up, it slows down or stops between stations even though you know that there can't be a train for miles ahead? What's the deal, MTA?

Just the waiting for trains is usually bad enough. I'll probably take some heat from Brooklynites, and I know I'm a Manhattan snob, but getting from Brooklyn to Manhattan late at night is one of the worst experiences in the entire city. Last night I went into the NRW station at Prospect Ave. at around 1:30am to head back to Manhattan. Was the only person in the station. Put Def Leppard "Vault" (Greatest Hits, for the ignorant) on the iPod to keep me occupied. Rocked out to "Pour Some Sugar on Me" - no train. "Photograph" - no train. "Love Bites" - no train. "Let's Get Rocked" - no train. "Two Steps Behind" - no train. "Animal" - no train. Finally, a train pulled up during "Foolin'." Now come on, how can they justify such infrequent service? Do they only run 1 of each train at night? I'm just glad I had Def Leppard with me... if anyone can honestly listen to Def Leppard and not like them, even just as a guilty pleasure, they don't deserve ears to listen to music. Or a tongue to spew their idiotic opinions. Or even a life, cause they're just wasting food and air and everything else that should be used by Def Leppard fans.

I don't know how this turned from an anti-MTA post to a pro-Def Leppard post. But get used to reading about Lep, readers... you'll be seeing a lot of them, along with The Simpsons, which is probably the only show that could get away with dissing Def Leppard not once, but twice (DL memorabilia as crappy prizes for Skee-ball and Ring Toss).

Time to talk about porn. Specifically, Mary Carey (of Porn Star for Governor fame). Seems she will be co-hosting a new reality show, "Can YOU Be a Pornstar?"

First of all, I went to high school with Mary Carey. She rode my bus. She was no porn star back then. In fact, the total opposite. She was very innocent and sweet. Totally annoying, but sweet. Big doe eyes. Huge smile. Stick figure. I nicknamed her Fievel because she reminded me of the mouse from "An American Tail." Took ballet.

These days, her big doe eyes are no match for her big doughey boobs. Her huge smile reveals the pleasure of having the biggest dildo I've ever seen rammed into every orifice. And the ballet thing is now funny thanks to a yearbook photo of her doing a standing split, holding one foot high over her head, with the caption "Mary demonstrates vertical lineage (and her trademark smile) as ____ observes carefully." By the way, I don't know the _____ standing next to her, but she looks even more innocent than Mary did... I wonder if she's in therapy these days. Or doing films with Mary. I wouldn't know, since I don't watch them... cough cough...

My high school has produced a few fairly famous people. Billionaire former owner of Blockbuster Video and the Florida Marlins Wayne Huizenga, Emmy winner and former addict Kelsey Grammer, Tony winner Jayne Atkinson, the kid who played Weasel (the replacement Screech) on "Saved By the Bell: The New Class" until he got booted off after one season so that original Screech could return, and, of course, yours truly... cough cough... but now Mary Carey has exceeded them all. And how has this well-established, respected private school responded? Basically, it disowned her.

For shame, I say. Embrace Mary Carey. If given the opportunity, I sure would.