Yesterday as I was leaving the Barnes & Noble on 66th & Broadway, I walked past Al Sharpton (and the trailing pack of paparazzi) as he entered the Starbucks next door. Then today I see video of that exciting event on TMZ. I'm the guy in the orange shirt and black leather jacket who strolls by 5 seconds in.
You can knock off another 2 seconds from my 15 minutes of fame.

There's nothing like a good feud between comics. Even better than a feud is a Royal Rumble, which is what's happening over at ASpecialThing.com. Fans voted for their favorite comic currently working, and this is how the list turned out:

1. Paul F. Tompkins

2. Patton Oswalt

3. Louis CK

4. Zach Galifianakis

5. Scharpling & Wurster

6. Maria Bamford

7. Jimmy Pardo

8. Doug Benson

9. Eugene Mirman

10. Tim & Eric

11. Todd Glass

12. Andy Kindler

13. Jen Kirkman

14. Flight of the Conchords

15. Todd Barry

16. Brody Stevens

17. The Sklar Brothers

18. John Mulaney

19. Demetri Martin

t20. Andy Daly

t20. David Cross

Others of note: Jim Gaffigan, Sarah Silverman, Human Giant, Brent Weinbach, Doug Stanhope, Bob Odenkirk, Mike Birbigli, Hard n Phirm, Brendon Small, Craig Anton and Ron Lynch of the Tomorrow Show, Neil Hamburger 29.

That didn't sit well with Tim & Eric, who posted this video:



Eugene Mirman got wind of it, and posted this response:



Some random guy posted another response:



Followed by Zack Galifianakis getting in the game:



Then Todd Barry:



And last but not least (so far), Patton Oswalt:



Will we eventually get videos from all 20? Let's hope so.

I just finished watching all five hours of VH1's 100 Greatest Songs of the 90s. Disastrous list. The main problem, I think, is that it counts down not of the greatest songs, but the most famous. Any list that has "Rico Suave" or "I'm Too Sexy" in it cannot use the word "great" to describe it. I won't create my own list, like I did with the 80s countdown, nor will I make a case for their selection of the wrong song from most artists ("Dreams" instead of "Linger"... any Beastie Boys song other than "Sabotage"...). But in my humble opinion, I cannot believe that the following songs* (in no particular order) were omitted:

Guns N Roses - "November Rain"
Smashing Pumpkins - "Disarm"
Veruca Salt - "Volcano Girls"
Coolio - "Gangsta's Paradise"
Blur - "Song 2"
Nine Inch Nails - "Closer"
Duran Duran - "Ordinary World"
Garbage - "Only Happy When It Rains"
Matthew Sweet - "Girlfriend"
Soul Coughing - "Circles"
Sublime - "What I Got"
Temple of the Dog - "Hunger Strike"
The Verve - "Bittersweet Symphony"
Natalia Imbruglia - "Torn"
Outkast - "Rosa Parks"
Seal - "Crazy"
Boyz II Men - "Motownphilly"
Positive K - "I Got a Man"
Eels - "Novocaine for the Soul"
George Michael - "Freedom 90"
No Doubt - "Just a Girl"
Rage Against the Machine - "Bullet in the Head"
US3 - "Cantaloop (Flip Fantasia)"
The Proclaimers - "I'm Gonna Be (500 Miles)"
Stone Temple Pilots - "Interstate Love Song"
Savage Garden - "I Want You"

* Note: there are many more that could be included, but I stuck to their concept of the songs having to be a hit (which excluded TONS of options) and only one song per artist. And yes, I realize that the inclusion of artists like Savage Garden make me look like a complete tool, but come on... you all love the Cherry Cola song too, you just can't admit it.

Once again I've fallen behind on my posting, so some of this will be seem dated. Here goes anyway...
- For all you Survivor fans who were dying to find out where Courtney works: it's Coffee Shop. Seems an appropriate fit, although she was building it up just a bit by saying it's one of NYC's best restaurants. And for those of you who'd like to see "more" of her, she's got a topless photo in her model portfolio.
- Speaking of topless, this website for a Shock Absorber Bra provides hours of fun. Just click on the breast side and level of activity and watch them hooters bounce. Hint: bigger = better. Probably best not to do this at work.
- I ran across the "Christmas Is a Time To Say I Love You" video on VH1 Classic the other day. Nothing against working for MTV now, but I'll bet it was an absolute blast to work there back in 1981. They would never do anything like this today.



- MTV doesn't even do things like this anymore. Advantage: Fuse.



- Despite an almost impossible rash of injuries this season, I made it to the finals of my fantasy football league, having to defeat the #1 team twice and the #3 team in the final month to do so (I was #4). Sadly, I've just officially lost a nailbiter. It's a respectable finish, but to come so close and not win hurts. I really wanted that damn Yahoo trophy. I'm co-managing one other team, and after entering the playoffs as the #8 seed, we've upset our way into the final. So maybe I'll end up with a trophy after all... or at least half of one.
- And finally, I'll carry on my annual tradition by posting lyrics to one of my favorite rock & roll Christmas songs. Happy holidays to all my readers.

Merry Christmas, I don't want to fight tonight
Merry Christmas, I don't want to fight tonight
Merry Christmas, I don't want to fight tonight with you

Where is Santa? At his sleigh?
Tell me why is it always this way?
Where is Rudolph? Where is Blitzen, baby?
Merry Christmas, merry merry merry Christmas

All the children are tucked in their beds
Sugar-plum fairies dancing in their heads
Snowball fighting, it's so exciting baby

I love you and you love me
And that's the way it's got to be
I loved you from the start
'Cause Christmas ain't the time for breaking each other's hearts

Where is Santa? At his sleigh?
Tell me why is it always this way?
Where is Rudolph? Where is Blitzen, baby?
Merry Christmas, merry merry merry Christmas

All the children are tucked in their beds
Sugar-plum fairies dancing in their heads
Snowball fighting, it's so exciting baby

Yeah, yeah, yeah

I love you and you love me
And that's the way it's got to be
I loved you from the start
'Cause Christmas ain't the time for breaking each other's hearts

Merry Christmas, I don't want to fight tonight
Merry Christmas, I don't want to fight tonight
Merry Christmas, I don't want to fight tonight with you

Blood on the Tracks
I've been debating whether or not to post about this, as it's a somewhat humiliating story. But what the hell, here goes...
On Thursday afternoon, at the uptown 1/2/3 platform in the Times Square subway station, I fell / got bumped onto the tracks.
It wasn't completely my fault, and it wasn't completely somebody else's fault. I had leaned over to look for an approaching train, and a group of people walking behind me accidentally brushed against me just hard enough to propel my momentum forward. I had about 2 seconds to unsuccessfully try to steady myself (probably with comical cartoon-like arm waving... I can't quite recall), and eventually my weight carried me over the platform.
I'd say it's about a 5-foot drop, which isn't that far, and fortunately I landed on my feet, but I landed hard on my right ankle. Also on my way down I attempted to catch myself and smashed my left palm against the platform edge.
My first thought as I hit the ground was: don't touch the rail (even though I was nowhere near the third, a.k.a. electric, one).
My second thought: this is so embarrassing (triggered by the collective gasp from the crowd above me).
I would have had no trouble hoisting myself back onto the platform (and yes, there was a train approaching, albeit about 60 seconds away), but an MTA worker happened to be standing right there, so he reached out his hand and helped me up. I thanked him, assured him I was okay, then scurried to the other end of the platform to distance myself from the witnesses.
When I got home a few minutes later, I checked my ankle and wrist for swelling and luckily found none. Both throbbed a bit, but there didn't seem to be any real damage. This all happened around 4:30pm. By 9pm, the ankle had stiffened up considerably. By 10pm, I couldn't put any weight on it, forcing me to make an early exit from the MTV holiday party (which I'd had to sneak into* after not getting an invitation despite consistent work in 2007... thank you very much, Viacom). Of course I couldn't find a cab, so I hobbled to the subway. Got home, downed a few ibuprofen pills, and went to bed (blatantly violating my sleep schedule) hoping that rest would heal the ankle.
As of yesterday morning, the ankle is significantly improved, but still tender. Stairs, and even curbs, are still a bitch, and I cannot move faster than a leisurely stroll. But I think I'll be able to avoid crutches or a visit to the doctor.
Feel free to laugh now.

* Note: for anyone who wants or needs to sneak into a future MTV holiday party, all you need is a red Sharpie. Every year the stamp to reenter from the smoking section is same. Just write PUFF on your hand, sneak inside the smoking barricade, and you're good to go.

Has LSTT been on a sympathy strike in support of the WGA? No.
Have I just been lazy? Yes.
I've also been busy at Cash Cab, where yesterday I wrote my 2,000th question. It'll be a long-shot to reach 2,500 by the end of this cycle, and I'm still barely halfway to the all-time question champ, but I'm leaving my mark.
But I finally have a few things that beg to be written about:
- My old high-school buddy Mary Carey is auctioning off her used implants to raise money for breast cancer research. When I first heard, I thought, "Great, she gave up her implants." But it turns out she upgraded to bigger ones. This is after she publicly swore that she was all-natural. There's a group of high school alumni that want to band together to bid on them, get them bronzed, and donate them to the school's science building. But as of this writing, they're at $6,600. Definitely too pricey for a prank.
- Tonight is the MTV holiday party. If you've been following Gawker's coverage of Viacom over the past 48 hours, it's possible there will be a full-scale riot.
- And I'm sure you've all seen this parody of The Hills with James Franco and Mila Kunis. If not, do it. Now!

The Times They Are A-Becoming Quite Different
This weekend, while home in Florida with my parents for Thanksgiving, I randomly found my mother's high school and college yearbooks. Quite a discovery... not quite on par with King Tut's tomb, but exciting nonetheless. I wanted to share a few things from those books. Sadly I only have my crappy cell phone here with which to take photos, so I didn't take that many, and the ones I did look like crap. But still...

This is her high school senior portrait. I cannot get over how young she looks. And that pixie hairstyle threw me off too. How adorable is she? I have to say, after browsing through the entire book, I think on the whole that high school girls were better looking in the mid-60s then when I went to school in the mid-90s. If only I had a time machine...

Almost every girl who signed the high school book used the word "sweet" (or some variation) to describe my mom. But there were also some creepy signatures from men, including this one. In case you can't read it, it says:
You sculpt well. But apparently you do everything well. Come to my office someday. Lenny.
Ew. My mom has no recollection of this guy. But his note, along with many others, led my sister to ask my mom if she was a slut in high school. Her verbatim answer was, "In high school? No." Neither my sister nor I could bear to ask the obvious follow-up.
My favorite part of the yearbook, which I could not get a decent photo of, was in the section filled with various quotes that represented the era. One of them was "Vietnam, here we come!" That was in 1965. Hindsight, eh?

This is from her college yearbook. She went to Cornell (which you can obviously tell from the headline of this photo), and somehow my mom was asked to appear in this Canada Dry ad shot on campus. She's the one on the top right. I've never seen her look so tough ever before, nor do I expect to see her that tough ever again. But it's nice to know she can do it.

Gobble Gobble-dygook
This site will be on hiatus for the rest of the week, as I am heading down to Florida to spend Thanksgiving with my family. And in the spirit of that holiday, here's a pretty funny Thanksgiving video made by the good people at Fuse's The Sauce.



Happy Thanksgiving!

Former Members of The State Come Up With the Best Show Titles... The Best!
First I'm late discovering the Michael Showalter Showalter. Now it seems I'm late discovering another State-related online shows: Wainy Days, starring (you guessed it) David Wain and many of his friends and former castmates. The second season just started (episodes 1-10 are the first season, 11+ are the second, obviously). Check it out.

Mandy No Moore
Over the years, many people have sent around many YouTube videos of terrible singers performing terrible versions of popular songs from their homes. But in my humble opinion, this girl's rendition of Mandy Moore's "Crush" is up there with the worst. She starts off badly and goes down from there, even throwing in a coughing fit at the end. The only thing that could've made this video more humiliating would have been if the girl had tried to use a monkey, like Mandy did in the original video.*

Onto another performer who's been having trouble singing lately, here's some footage in which Amy Winehouse may be snorting cocaine onstage, mid-sing, in front of an entire audience.

* Why do I know that fact? I wish I had a good answer to that question. I could try and blame it on writing for TRL, but I definitely wasn't working there when that video came out.

Scab Hunters
While trolling around on Craigslist a few minutes ago, I discovered this post about a network sitcom seeking non-union writers during the WGA strike. Seemed highly suspicious to me, so after some quick research, I discovered that the ad was in fact a ploy by New York Press to gauge the potential level of scabbage. So all you writers looking to cash in on the strike, beware of booby-traps!

Just had my first visit with the sleep clinic's psychologist, and the hits just keep on coming. The no-chocolate rule is now in full effect, although if I have an unstoppable craving, I can eat some as long as it's before 6pm. The 2am-8am sleep schedule (which had evolved to 1:30am-8am) is sort of out the window. I'm now only supposed to go to bed when I'm literally falling asleep... as long as it's at least 1:30, that is. But if it's not until 5am, so be it. Still have to get up at 8am. And if I don't fall asleep within 15 minutes of getting in bed, gotta get up and leave my bedroom until I'm falling asleep somewhere else. Also I have to start this weird yoga-ish meditative diaphragmatic (yes, that's a word) breathing where I take a deep diaphragm breath, say "one, relax," and repeat, going up to ten and then back down to one... but if my mind wanders at all, I can't leave the number that I'm on until I take an uninterrupted breath.
This is all madness, right?

Let's Get Bached
Yesterday I worked on a special episode of TRL devoted to the new Rock Band video game. It taped at the Hard Rock Cafe in Times Square and featured a battle of the bands judged by Tom DeLonge, Lacey from Flyleaf (a last-minute replacement for Slash; I can't think of a worse possible downgrade), and... Sebastian Bach! Yes, I never EVER thought I would see hundreds of members of a TRL audience cheering for Sebastian Bach. But it happened. And with all apologies to Tom Cruise, you have been replaced as the nicest guest I've ever worked with on TRL. I challenge anyone to find a more happy-go-lucky guy on this planet than Bach. He seems genuinely happy to be in the spotlight, he constantly engaged the audience, didn't complain once, took his role seriously (even asking for a pen to take notes on the performers), and seemed almost as excited to be in a photo with me than I was to be in a photo with him (alas, this could be the worst photo ever taken of me... I look like I'm wearing an inflatable life vest under my shirt and that I have a massively receding hairline). I'm totally willing to forgive him for wearing a Sebastian Bach shirt.

On the subject of rock stars, my friend recently gave me several packs of Proset Super Stars Musicards that he had found in a memorabilia store in Pittsburgh. Basically they're baseball cards of musicians circa 1991. I got legends (Led Zeppelin, Bob Marley), hair metal bands even I'd never heard of (Law and Order, Hericane Alice [yes, I spelled that correctly]), and not one, but two Vanilla Ice cards. They're filled with fascinating information, such as that House of Lords' second album "mixes Arabic scales with classic rock" or that as a teenager, Johnny Gill felt that he had "a man's voice in a child's body." Good to know!

New Yorkers can now satisfy their hunger with a $1,000 bagel or a $25,000 chocolate sundae. I know that the dollar keeps dropping in value, but this is getting to be like post-World War I Germany.
By the way, is it really true, as I recall learning in school, that Germans back then used paper currency as toilet paper? That seems a bit extreme. Even if TP was worth the same amount, or slightly more, than the money, I'd prefer using the real deal to wipe my ass. Money is rougher, has dye on it, and could always regain its value. Not very wise thinking by the Germans, in my opinion.

Quick hits on a Tuesday:
- This Almost Impossible Rock & Roll Quiz from Rolling Stone certainly lives up to its name. Through a combination of actual knowledge and educated guesses, I scored a 46 out of 58, which is Expert ("You know your Bowie from your Bambaata"). Works for me.
- This blog from the LA Times is doing an excellent job of covering the WGA strike. Tons of updates daily, checking in with both big-time stars (Paul Haggis, Tina Fey, Julia Louis-Dreyfus) as well as unknowns. So far it seems as if the writers are pretty serious about this strike, and the actors are providing support too. This could take a while.
- The Goo Goo Dolls have got some nerve slapping "Vol. 1" on the title of their Greatest Hits album. If they are able to release enough hits in the future to constitute another entire CD, then I'm a monkey's uncle.

I would make a joke about this 8-limbed toddler, but I don't want to offend anyone today. So all I will say is that this could be my favorite photo of all time.

So we all remember the classic video for Tom Petty's "Make It Better," which takes place inside a woman's inner ear (and by "we" I mean "I"). 20 years later, this video takes that concept but moves the action slightly south on the female body. Brilliant homage, guys.

Get My Freak On
Against all my better judgment, I've decided to post a photo of me from Halloween dressed as Pale Man from Pan's Labyrinth. A few things to point out:
1) By this point of the festivities, I'd been wearing the costume for 3 hours. Which is why the pantyhose is frayed and rolled up. It looked much better when I first put it on.
2) The costume was a logistical nightmare. The fake nails made it impossible to hold anything, so I couldn't eat and barely drink. The pantyhose on the head made it difficult to see and breathe. The eyeballs kept falling off of my hands. And the unitard was very warm and left very little to the imagination.
3) I'd say no more than 1/3 of the people there got the reference. I thought that more people in NYC had seen Pan's Labyrinth. Guess not. Come on, it was nominated for 6 Oscars!
4) My friend dressed as Mario had begged me to partner up and dress as Luigi. In retrospect, I made a poor decision in turning him down.
5) The third guy in the photo is not dressed as "artistic Hitler," as many people thought. He's Win Butler. His wife dressed as Regine, and when they stood next to each other, it was much easier to decipher their costumes.
6) I don't think he'll make a return appearance next year.

In honor of Halloween, here's a cool compilation of the Wilhelm Scream throughout movie history. You may not know it by name, but you'll definitely recognize the sound when you hear it.

Also, in about 3 hours I'll be making a complete fool of myself by dressing up as Pale Man from Pan's Labyrinth. It will either be the best costume at the party I'm going to, or by far the worst. How am I pulling it off? I can't give away all the secrets, but it does involve a unitard and wearing pantyhose on my head...

This morning I had my fourth sleep clinic session. To update everyone, per instructions I had begun to move my bedtime earlier by 15 minutes every 4-5 days. The move to 1:45am went smoothly, as did 1:30; in both cases, I continued to fall asleep in about 3o minutes. However when I started going to sleep at 1:15, I regressed and began taking close to an hour to fall asleep. The doctor told me that I should schedule an appointment with the clinic's psychologist to give me relaxation exercises. She also suggested that I cut out chocolate. This is now getting ridiculous. I've already given up caffeine, staying out late, sleeping in, and alcohol past 11pm (er, for the most part). Eliminating chocolate is going too far. Is all of this sacrifice worth it? I'm starting to lean towards no.

On my visit, I noticed that the 99-cent store right next to the subway entrance (D train at 205th St.) has changed ownership. If you look at the sign below, you'll see that it boasts "everything 99 cents or more." You may not be able to tell from this photo, but the word "more" has clearly been pasted over the original sign. Did the previous owners offer everything at 99 cents or less? That seems like a much better deal to me. 99 cents or more could be anything. Hell, Ferrari dealerships could claim the same, as long as they at least sold a $0.99 keychain or something.
Finally, I'm glad so many people have been ripping into A-Rod for backing out of his contract (during the clinching game of the World Series, a point I should have mentioned but didn't). But so far, nobody has done a better job of it than Scott Miller at CBS Sportsline. His column is pure venom. I love it!

Blogger Andrew Sullivan was a panelist on last week's Real Time with Bill Maher. During the show, Maher mentioned that he loved Sullivan's post about questions to be asked at a Republican debate, specifically:
- Would you have sex with a man to stop a terrorist attack?
- If you had a time machine, would you travel back in time and abort Bin Laden?
Those are indeed great questions. And I put the probability of them ever actually being asked, let alone answered, slightly below the chance that the Yanks ever hire A-Rod to manage the team.

Sunday Night Bloody Sunday Night
I'm pretty pissed off right now. Not because the Dolphins are halfway through their season and still don't have a win, and not because the Red Sox just won the World Series (yup, another sweep... the 3rd in 4 years. Exciting.)... although those things do irk me. No, it's because Scott Boras announced about an hour ago that Ass-Rod has opted out of his contract with the Yankees. I really didn't think he'd go through with it. Turns out I drastically underestimated his selfishness.
The most annoying part of this is his lame excuse for opting out: that he wasn't sure if Rivera, Posada, and Pettitte would return to the Yanks. Total, utter bullshit. If that was really the reason, why not wait until the last possible day to decide? You've got 10 days from right now. Maybe once the Yanks announce their manager in the next day or two, things will fall in place. There's no need to jump the gun. He knows, and Boras knows, and I know, and everyone knows, it's all about money.
Seriously, can you think of a player more interested in money than A-Rod? $252 million (plus however much he made with the Mariners, and of course endorsements) isn't enough money for him? What on earth could possibly exist that he cannot afford? I could even understand it if another player had signed a bigger contract, so A-Rod justified his move by saying he wanted to once again become the highest-paid player in the league. But he's head-and-shoulders above the rest of the league in terms of salary.
It's pathetic that he cares more about a few extra dollars than about winning. Cause there's no way he's going to a serious contender. The Yanks won't bid on him. It seems unfathomable to me that the Red Sox would want him, given the history. The Mets don't really have anywhere to put him, as the left side of their infield is set. Of the other playoff teams from this season, I'd say only the Cubs and Angels can afford him (possibly the Phillies, but I doubt it), and let's be real... those teams are not winning the World Series anytime soon. So presumably he'll finish out his days breaking records but never winning a title. And that will sum up his career nicely; the ultimate selfish player.
Anyway, that's my rant...

The End Point
It's a sad day. Actually, yesterday was, but I'm just getting around to this now. Tommy Himself has pulled the plug on The Sticking Point. The two of us had talked a couple of weeks ago about our mutual current lack of enthusiasm for blogging (or, since he hates that word, web-logging). And while I'm keeping my site on life support, he decided walk away. Maybe he was inspired by Joe Torre.
It's too bad. His posts had become few and far between, but they remained entertaining. He's got a style of writing that manages to be both conversational and poetic at the same time. It puts me to shame. Must be the extra decade+ of writing experience he's got on me...
TSP, you'll be missed.

I just read this MySpace bulletin from Motley Crue (yes, I'm MySpace friends with Motley Crue):

Vince will soon be opening up his new bar in West Palm Beach, FL called VINCE NEIL'S DR. FEELGOOD'S. Set to open up in late November sometime, Vince hopes to be able to perform at the grand opening of it. Vince was in West Palm Beach this past Tuesday to see how things are going with the bar. Vince also states that he hopes to open up more locations in Atlantic City and Las Vegas.

West Palm Beach? End of November? Hmm, that's where I will be for Thanksgiving. Could be perfect timing. Although I have seen Vince perform solo once before, at BB King's here in NYC, and it's not a pretty sight. During "Girls Girls Girls" he brought some strippers out on stage, and when members of the audience reached out to touch her, Vince freaked out and stormed off. As this was only the 4th song of the set, the audience started booing and chanting "asshole" and "refund." Eventually management forced Vince to finish his set, but not before they put metal barricades up in front of the stage. So maybe I shouldn't be this excited to rehash that experience. And yet, I am. Go figure.
Dr. Feelgood's is a good name for a bar, though.

I Think I'm Blind
Alright, it's time for me to come clean about what I was really doing in the weeks without a post...
YouPorn.
What a site. It's got professional porn. Homemade amateur porn. Celebrity sex tapes. Sex scenes from Hollywood movies. This insane video of the ultimate squirter. Plus so much more.
And it's all free and streaming, just like YouTube.
Happy hunting!

Not "Disappointed"
Months after the Morrissey ticket debacle, I saw him perform at Hammerstein last night. It was the 2nd show of his 5-night residency there, and was a phenomenal show. Almost a perfect setlist (no "You're the One for Me, Fatty," though)... it blew away the first night's, adding "Disappointed," "The Boy with the Thorn in His Side," "Please, Please, Please, Let Me Get What I Want" (which he changed to "get who I want"), and a cover of the New York Dolls' "Human Being." During the encore, a fan jumped onstage to hug Morrissey, which opened the floodgates for half the audience to try. Security was tackling people left and right (some took pretty nasty spills), but many managed to reach him. The scene reminded me of the live version of Frankie Goes to Hollywood's "Relax" video.
AND I was standing next to Chloe Sevigny for most of the show! She's quite attractive in person.
AND I found a $20 bill outside the venue!
AND I got a free Fruit of the Loom undershirt on the way out!
Overall, a great night.

Sunday's New York Times featured an article about an apartment at 84 E. 4th St... or rather, a guy who lived there and had a desperate search for a better place, because he was living in a noisy 7 ft x 9 ft "bedroom." I happened to live in that apartment for 10 weeks in the summer of 2000, and the article doesn't do that room justice. It is literally a walk-in closet that is used as a bedroom. The person living there has to walk through the master bedroom to enter it. It has enough space for a bed, and that's it (which is why most people use a loft bed, so that they can store stuff underneath). Back in my time there (which was the era of the roommate in the living room with a folding screen), the closet was occupied by a tiny Hispanic room. I figured small room, small girl, no problem. I have no idea how a full-sized man could even think about living there.
Also, nice plug to Liz Tormes, the lease-holder. Of my former roommates there, she's the one I've kept best in touch with. She's an excellent musician... buy her new CD!

Finally, this could be one of the strangest websites ever created. But it's good to know that both Paul Reubens and George Clooney think that a Centaur with a crossbow would defeat a Minotaur with a trident.

It has been quite a long time since my last post. Almost a month. Sorry, I just cannot seem to get motivated to post. Odd, since I've got more free time these days. You'd think I would want to use this as an outlet to write something. But then, you'd be wrong. Honestly, I'm on the verge of retiring the site. But not yet... cause I've finally got some stuff on my mind.

- You know I'm a huge Yankees fan, and a huge Joe Torre fan. And I think it's despicable the way Steinbrenner threatened Torre at the start of the playoffs. But Torre needs to lay off calling the Yanks' offer an "insult." $5 million would still make him the highest-paid manager in baseball, and if he reached all the incentives, he would make more money than he earned this year. I do think he's still the best manager in baseball. Probably. At least there's nobody I would immediately say I'd rather have manage my team. But it's true that the Yanks haven't been to the World Series since he signed his last extension. So is it that unfair to lower the base salary? If I were Torre, I wouldn't want to manage the team anymore, so I think it's fine that he's walking away. But don't blame the offer.

- I also hope that the Yanks go after Joe Girardi rather than promote Don Mattingly. Girardi has proven he can manage a team; Mattingly still seems a bit green to me.

- One last baseball note: Cleveland's third-base coach Joel Skinner should be crucified for holding Lofton at 3rd in the 7th. There's no way Manny would've gunned Lofton down at the plate. And yes, it's possible Blake would still have grounded into a double play. But if Manny had thrown home, Guitierrez might've made it to 2nd, eliminating the double play... and who knows what happens after that.

- On last week's Real Time with Bill Maher, a bunch of crazy 9/11 conspiracy theorists who had infiltrated the audience began heckling and yelling. At one point, an agitated Maher became annoyed that security hadn't thrown the man out yet and rushed into the audience to help. Come on Bill, who are you kidding? Like you would really get into a physical altercation with an audience member if they guy wasn't 1) much older than you, and 2) already being restrained by security. Way to make yourself look like a tough guy for your viewers.

- I don't know why I like this video of Nintendo sports bloopers. It must be the music... "Yakety Sax" (a.k.a. the theme from The Benny Hill Show) makes almost anything funny.

- Went to the Ghostland Observatory show at Webster Hall on Friday night (I had to choose between a free ticket to that or paying $40 to see Christopher Cross at B.B. King's... I think I made the right decision, even though one of my friends who went to CC called the show "magical"). Ghostland put on an amazing show. Plus, I was informed by a reliable source that the guy responsible for the laser show used to handle Pink Floyd's laser show. Lasers make every concert better... my friend Jared and I can't understand why more bands don't use them these days. (Maybe it's a safety issue... another guy I knew at the concert took a laser in the eye and started feeling discomfort. Although maybe it'll help his vision in the long run... kinda like free LASIK)

Bob Odenkirk may not be cranking out the best feature films lately (Let's Go To Prison? Meh. The Brothers Solomon? I heard it was awful). But at least he's making funny online shorts, including this one: Bob Pitches a Movie. Actually this water thing could be the best movie he's made in years...

Behold, the newest episode of Zootoo News. I think this one may be my favorite so far, thanks to the Russian commercial.

I've discovered that lately when I let my beard grow for a few days (I guess it's not technically a beard yet at that point... more like scruff), I get patches of silverish / whitish hair on the left and right side of my chin. I can't tell for sure what it is, as I don't let it grow for more than 4 days before shaving. So far my hair has remained grey-free (and attached to my scalp, thank G0d). But it's distressing. Is 28 the year my body starts its downfall? Is it stress-related? Hmm...

Sorry to disappear for a few days. I got hired on a show that has taken up almost every waking minute of my life... and as you know, I have many waking minutes these days. But I couldn't not share this excerpt from the NY Times review of Good Luck Chuck:
I’ve occasionally heard Dane Cook, one of the stars of “Good Luck Chuck,” described as a comedian. I find this confusing, since my understanding is that comedians are people who say and do things that are funny. Perhaps Mr. Cook is some new kind of conceptual satirist whose shtick is to behave in the manner of a person attempting to be funny without actually being, you know, funny. Or maybe he answered an ad in the back of a magazine and sent away for a mail-order license to practice comedy.

Day two of segment producing is over. Fortunately, no disasters to speak of. Chamillionaire, although arriving nail-bitingly close to show time, was quite easy to deal with. Efren Ramirez, not as much. He was nice and agreeable to everything we wanted to do, but... he came on a show that was co-hosted by Jessica Alba and Dane Cook, and apparently he's known Alba since they were 11, and we asked him to do a freestyle about Jessica Alba, and he rapped something along the lines of "Jessica stars in Good Luck Chuck, and I'd really like to give her a f..." He didn't actually say fuck, but came as close as possible without verbalizing it. To say that Alba was not amused would be a vast understatement. I think we even have to edit it out of the show. Tune in on Thursday to see if it makes it.

On an unrelated note, I'm not a fan of Tracy Morgan, but maybe I can learn to be if he keeps talking trash about Jimmy Fallon. I'm certain he's not the only one with this opinion.

And finally, here's some nice gossip about Hulk Hogan being a Mary Carey fan.

I'm back at TRL, albeit extremely temporarily. Two of their segment producers are out of the office this week, so they called me in to fill in, even though I had never before segment produced. I was given Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson and Chris Crocker (the guy behind the Leave Britney Alone video) today, and tomorrow I have Chamillionaire and recently-eliminated-from-Celebrity-Rap-Superstar Efren Ramirez. Segment producing is much more complicated than I had realized as a writer, but so far, so good. It didn't hurt to have The Rock as my first guest; he's totally up for anything, including braiding a Barbie doll's hair and showing off his ballet moves, as we had him do.

Speaking of nice guys, I went to a screening of Vince Vaughn's Wild West Comedy Tour, and Vince himself was there. He made it a point to introduce himself, then sat next to me to talk for a few minutes about how much he enjoys coming on TRL. Too bad I won't be there the next time he does a walk-on.

Finally, this week's new Zootoo Pet News is out now. Check it out.

The freelance lifestyle is truly in high gear. In recent weeks, I've been working on a wide array of different projects simultaneously. One of them is a Weekend Update-type online show for a pet-centric website called Zootoo. They've done 8 of these "Funny Pet News" shows (among other random videos, all of which are gathered here), but the first one that I contributed material to was posted earlier this week. Check it out.
And yes, I know the top of the show teases a story that isn't actually in the show... you can check out that "lost story" here.

Got a bunch of links today:
- Deadspin calls this a prank of epic proportions. I'd have to agree
- The "In the Air Tonight" gorilla also rocks out to "Sussuddio" (and here's Phil's reaction)
- Tommy Lee gives his take on the Kid Rock VMA fight
- Bill Murray + Kristen Schaal (+ a banana) = funny

Well I knew this would happen... or at least I had a strong inkling: I've gotten sick due to my lack of sleep. Nothing serious, just sort of a head cold. But that threw a decision at me: break my sleep cycle and let my body recover, or stay on the sleep cycle and hope the cold would go away on its own. Surprisingly, I chose the former. In a major regression, I took a NyQuil at 10pm last night and stayed in bed for about 12 hours. While I do feel somewhat better this morning, now I'm nervous that I completely negated the past weeks of sleep deprivation. And oh, did I forget how great it feels to have a good night's sleep.

Also great is the fact that today is the first NFL Sunday of the 2007 season and the season premiere of Curb. I'll probably also check out the VMA's, as I'm curious to see if it lives up to the hype.

Subterranean Late Night Blues
This pretty much sums up how I feel right now...

Quadruple Fault
I'm in the middle of watching U.S. Open (Venus vs. Jankovic), and just watched one of the worst interviews I've ever seen. Correspondent Michael Barkan was sent to talk to Larry David and Jerry Seinfeld, who are in the crowd (Larry David was also at the Yankee game last night, along with Jeff Garlin. Who knew he was such a sports nut?). The ensuing exchange contained the following:
- Barkan asking them what they've been laughing at, and when Jerry said "we've been making jokes," Barkan asked Jerry if he'll be using any of them in his act.
- After an awkward discussion about the Seinfeld episode when Kramer became a Ballman, Barkan asked Larry if he'd even been a Ballman, since he's Kramer.
- Barkan then asking if Larry was at least the one who wrote that plotline into the episode.
- Barkan asking Jerry what he's doing, and when Jerry said he has Bee Movie coming out, Barkan said "Really? A b-movie?"
Not to mention the fact that the entire interview was conducted during exciting play, in which Venus broke to get back on serve.
Do you research next time.

After riding an hour to the Bronx and sitting an hour in the waiting room, I spent all of 4 minutes with the sleep clinic doc. She told me to continue my current schedule for at least another week, then I can add 15 minutes of sleep time, try that for 4 days, and if it works, add another 15 minutes. If I suddenly start taking more than an hour to fall back to sleep, I have to go back to the 2-8 schedule. In response to me telling her that I have headaches when I wake up and around 4pm, she said I should start going to the gym at those times. I don't see that happening... I can barely raise my eyelids at 8am, so I don't see how I'd be able to raise 200 pounds on a barbell.

And in some hometown news, I grew up a few doors down from this guy and used to play streetball with him in the neighborhood. He may have surpassed Mary Carey in terms of Coral Springs infamy.

And finally, I'm very late on this, but now that I'm watching it, I'm loving The Michael Showalter Showalter. I bet you will too.

In 9 hours I have my first follow-up appointment at the sleep clinic. I plan on telling the doc that I have been following her instructions precisely (although on Friday night I did have one beer after 11pm), that I am insanely tired, that I fall asleep faster now but have only been getting about 5 hours of sleep a night, and that I get headaches every day around 4pm. Hopefully she'll say I'm cured and don't need to continue for the remaining weeks (or months). Yeah, right.

This experiment couldn't have come at a worse time, as my roommate's mom crashed at our apartment this weekend. Again. And she was annoying. Again. Only this time I couldn't sleep away the morning, hoping they'd be gone for the day by the time I got up. No, since I was up at the crack of dawn, she decided to take me to brunch... where she got into an argument with my roommate about how he's not allowed to put her in a home if she gets sick. It also meant that, since she was sleeping in my roommate's bedroom and therefore he was sleeping in the living room, I had to keep him awake until 2am since I'm not allowed to be in my bedroom the hour before bedtime. I would feel more guilty, but I consider it payback for him forgetting my birthday.

On the subject of my roommate, yesterday he had the audacity to tell me that the most recent song he downloaded from iTunes was Cowboy Junkies' "Sweet Jane." When I rolled my eyes, he asked why I didn't like the Cowboy Junkies. I told him that it's a Velvet Underground song, and he responded, "Who?" Later when I played him the original version, he complained that it was too upbeat.

Went to the Yankee game tonight, snuck down to excellent seats on the lower level right behind home plate, and of course the Jumbotron cameraman came right up to my row to tape two elementary-school kids dancing in the seats right next to me. I buried my head in my hands and didn't look up to see if I actually appeared on the Jumbotron, but the way my friend was laughing, I can only assume I was.

Sunday night I went with the same friend to Highline Ballroom to see Beatallica. Hard to find a better way to spend $5.98, at least in NYC. If you haven't heard of them, it's a group that combines the Beatles and Metallica, obviously. It's almost scary how much the singer sounds like James Hetfield... although not as scary as the group of aging, balding, fattening, leather-wearing dudes (and their biker-chick girlfriends) that made up the majority of the audience. Here's a clip of them doing "The Thing That Should Not Let It Be" to give you a sense of their live show.

Sorry for the rambling.

3 Is the Magic Number (of links)
- Very funny AT&T commercial with Roger Clemens.
- Moderately funny Simpsons opening credit sequence in a parallel Star Wars universe.
- When did Billy Ocean turn into George Clinton? And where does he get off charging $50 for a concert in the year 2007?

I've been up for 50 minutes, even though I don't have to leave for work for another hour. It's been over a week, and I'm very proud to say I've been keeping to my 2-8 sleep schedule. Proud and surprised. And very very tired. It's getting much harder to get out of bed in the morning when my alarm goes off. And every day around 3pm I get a headache. I may have to rethink my commitment to this after my first follow-up appointment next Wednesday.

For some reason, the owner of The Ryde sent me a bunch of free t-shirts. They are pretty cool designs, and very comfortable. Surf fans would especially like them, but I'm sure there's something for everyone.

I saw Meat Puppets at Knitting Factory last night. Very solid show, with amazing energy from the audience. It's nice to see the Kirkwood brothers playing so well and having such a good time onstage after all that they've been through.

How is it that I still haven't seen Superbad? Or Bourne Supremacy?

Season one of Friday Night Lights is now out on DVD. Please buy it and watch it and get sucked into it and tune into it this season!

Yup, that's me... a certified Jackpot Hopeful. Walking into a random deli last night at 8:30 to buy Mega Millions tickets, I was ambushed by a local CBS2 camera crew, who interviewed me about my lotto-buying habits. They asked if I bought tickets every week, and I said no, only when the jackpot climbs above $100 million, "because otherwise it's not worth it." And sure enough, that's the sound byte they used in their piece. How utterly embarrassing.

And out of 5 tickets, I matched a grand total of 3 numbers.

Some thoughts...

- To give a quick update, after night #2 I'm moderately tired. But more than that, I'm just nervous about how I'll be in a couple weeks. For most people, if they haven't been sleeping well, at least they can look to a day in the future and plan on staying in bed longer than usual to catch up. I can't, and it sucks.

- If I was a newscaster, this would totally happen to me. The laughing, that is... not being in a crash.

- Michael Vick pleaded guilty today (well, he filed his plea agreement... officially he enters his plea in court on Monday). I think he should be banned from the NFL. Not just that... I think any professional athlete convicted of a felony should be banned from his or her league. At least that's my humble opinion.

- Happy Birthday, Steve Guttenberg!

Yesterday, something amazing happened...
Back in June, a few days before Morrissey's scheduled concert at Madison Square Garden, I bought a half-price ticket on Craigslist from a guy who was selling his because his firm ended up renting a box for the show. He seemed like a nice normal guy, not a typical scalper. He even invited me to grab a drink with him and his buddies before the show. No reason to be concerned.
The concert ended up getting cancelled due to Morrissey's throat infection (or possibly slow ticket sales... the show wasn't close to a sell-out). When I learned that tickets could be refunded at point-of-purchase, I initially became excited, thinking I could go to the box office at MSG and get the full ticket price back, thus doubling my money. Alas, the guy at MSG told me that I had to get my money back from Ticketmaster, since that's where the ticket was bought. Which meant that the guy's credit card would simply be credited for the cost.
Knowing this was a long shot, I called the guy and asked him if I could get my money back, since he'd be getting his back. He seemed surprised to hear from me, and said he needed to check with Ticketmaster first, but he'd call me back in a day or so.
Of course that didn't happen, and I figured my money was lost... hell, if I was in his position, I would've just pocketed my money. But lo and behold, a couple weeks ago he sent me a text saying he'd finally gotten his refund and would meet up with me to give my money back. That meeting happened yesterday, and he returned my $42. Not only that, but Morrissey has announced a string of shows at Hammerstein, which would be a much better venue in which to see him live.
Nice to know there's still some good in the world.

On another note, last night I began my new sleep schedule. In bed at 2am (actually 2:05 last night), up at 8am. Naturally I didn't actually fall asleep until about 3:30... the last time I looked at the clock was 3:12. I also woke up once around 6:45, but only briefly. So I'm running on about 4 1/2 hours of sleep.
I'm not sure if I'll be keeping a daily diary of this experiment. A few people have asked me to, but it seems a bit silly for me to just complain every day about how tired I am. Especially since going to bed at 2 and waking up at 8 doesn't seem particularly tortuous. I'll see how this plays out, but I'll probably just give status updates once a week or so to describe if it's working according to the doc's plan.

#360 with a Bullet
As a quick update, Manda Bala (Send a Bullet) made just over $14,000 on its single screen at the Angelika this weekend. According to this Box Office Mojo chart, that makes it the 360th highest-grossing documentary of all time... although with the money earned since Sunday, it's probably even a few places higher than that by now. Felicitaciones!

Update: Literally just as I clicked Publish, a friend IMed me this link: Hot Chicks with Douchebags. What a find!

Lots to talk about today...

1) This morning, after many months (years?) of prodding by my mother, I went to a sleep clinic. Specifically, the Sleep-Wake Disorders Center at Montefiore Hospital. The goal: to figure out why it takes me at least an hour (and often 2-3) to fall asleep every night. The long subway ride deep into the Bronx (the last stop on the D train) for a 9am appointment sure didn't help my sleep problems. In advance of the appointment I'd filled out a massive booklet full of questions about my sleep habits... and the doctor proceeded to ask me every single question in person, looking at my hand-written answers as she did so. After this interview and a quick checking of weight, blood-pressure, etc., she came up with a plan. And here it is:
Starting tonight, I'm to go to bed at 2am and wake up at 8am. Every night. Regardless of what day it is, or what my schedule is like, or how tired I get. No naps, no sleeping in, no shifting the time. The point is that if I'm still taking a couple hours to fall asleep and therefore only get 4 hours of sleep per night, I'll eventually become so exhausted that I'll start falling asleep shortly after I hit the pillow. Continue to do that and it'll become a habit. And she warned me that I will become miserably exhausted over the next couple of weeks. Can't wait. Eventually, when this becomes my regular sleep pattern, I will slowly expand the hours to give me a longer period of sleep, and then shift the hours so that I'll learn to do it at any time. This better work.
She also wanted me to completely cut out all caffeine and alcohol, at least until my sleeping becomes regimented. But I don't think that's gonna happen.

2) One thing you see on the subway when you're way up in the Bronx that you don't typically see in Manhattan: a homeless beggar with a massive head wound dripping blood down his face.

3) I had my fantasy football draft last night. 3rd pick out of 10. Here's a quick recap of my team:
1. Larry Johnson - RB
2. Steve Smith - WR
3. Marvin Harrison - WR
4. Donovan McNabb - QB
5. Carnell Williams - RB
6. Adrian Peterson - RB
7. Chicago - DEF
8. Mark Clayton - WR
9. Vincent Jackson - WR
10. Tatum Bell - RB
11. Jason Witten - TE
12. Randy McMichael - TE
13. Ben Roethlisberger - QB
14. Eli Manning - QB
15. Jason Elam - K
16. Mike Furrey - WR

I really didn't want to take LJ, but really had no choice. At least he ended his holdout today. I've got great receivers, the top defense, and lots of depth. Running backs are shaky, but if they play to potential, I should be in good shape. I also can't believe I drafted Eli... I hate that guy. Hopefully I can deal him for somebody... and soon.
Also, after deciding to go with Romo Arigato, I had to change my team name since Tony Romo isn't on my squad. So I'm now known as the McNabby-Headed Hos. I don't think it's as good, but I don't have much to work with. Further suggestions will be accepted.

4) Have you people been watching Spike Spends Saturday Night With? That's Spike as in Spike Jonze. Basically he films himself hanging out with random celebrities, just to see what it's like. First up is M.I.A. Check it out.

new york craigslist > queens > missed connection

Bacon Lover on F Train - m4w (Queens)
___________________________________________________
Reply to: me@laststopthistown
Date: 2007-08-19, 11:08PM EDT

I don't know your name, and I don't know where you went, but I just had to write. Because nothing turns me on more than trying to relax on a long subway ride from Forest Hills to the Upper West Side and watching the woman sitting across from me eat strips of raw bacon. Especially when that woman was as portly as you. You sure made the trip fly by. I'd love to see you again... maybe next time we can share a cab to JFK during rush-hour gridlock and I can feed you raw ground beef.
Also, if you're going to take your shoes off and put them on an empty seat, you might want to have washed them sometime over the past month.

it's NOT ok to contact this poster for any reason

PostingID: justkidding

Happy Birthday To...
Monty Python's Life of Brian, which was first released in theaters on this day in1979.

Coincidentally, I, Brian, was also first released into the world on this day in 1979 (I wonder if that's how my parents decided on my name... I've been told it was between that and Zachary). Hopefully my life ends on a better note than my cinematic counterpart.

So I'm 28 today. Sigh. There's no denying I'm now in my upper 20s. Is that a bad thing? I guess not. Everyone gets older, and more mature. And yet many things (roommate, apartment, marital status) are the same as they were last year... and the year before... and the year before that. Then again, I did make a significant change in my life by becoming a true freelance writer, which so far has been a fantastic, although often hectic, experience.

I hardly ever make big plans for my birthday... not sure why. Maybe it's laziness, or maybe it's the fact that I still feel awkward when I bring together my various groups of friends. Either way, this year will be another calm one... steak dinner tonight, drinks after that, no big blowout. I am finally breaking down and buying a laptop today... and a Mac, no less. Being a freelancer, I really need to have a laptop, and after years of sitting in the PC camp, I've come to realize that Macs really are easier to use. I just wish they weren't so friggin' expensive. Tommy Himself (whose site has been on fire lately... how does he not have a reality show?) has volunteered to accompany me to the Apple store for guidance and moral support, which I appreciate. Maybe getting the new computer will motivate me to spruce up this site a bit... but I doubt it.

Anyway, I guess this is an appropriate way to end this post...

A couple of quick plugs...

1) Watch Cash Cab After Dark tonight (and every Wednesday night) at 10pm on Discovery Channel. Or if you don't want to interrupt Rescue Me, I think it repeats around 2am.

2) My friend's movie Manda Bala is opening this weekend at Angelika, and will be opening around the country over the next few months. It won Best Documentary (and Best Documentary Cinematography) at Sundance this year, and has been getting really great reviews. I saw a rough cut if it many months ago and loved it, and I'm sure it's even better now that it's finished. Please go see it this weekend... it's very important for it to have a strong first-weekend gross.

Big Girls Write Pathetic Lyrics
I know this is not very timely, but Fergie's "Big Girls Don't Cry" has the worst unintentionally-awful simile I've ever come across:
"I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket"
Seriously Fergie, what's the deal? That's the best you could come up with? Are we all Peanuts characters? And then you don't even rhyme anything with blanket! You could've used anything there! I'm just sad for you.
Despite this, I'm embarrassed to admit I kinda like the song. It's catchy! Damn her...

And on the subject of catchy songs, if you haven't seen Let's Go To Prison (and based on its box office performance, not many of you have), you should at least watch this clip of Will Arnett trying to sing along to Technotronic. As the description says, it's by far the best part of the movie.

Oh Canada
Back from a relaxing family vacation in Whistler to celebrate my mom's 60th birthday. Just my type of trip: cool weather, lots of hiking, nature, good food... and my folks paid for it all! I also hear I missed out on the Brooklyn tornado and the subway flood. Dang.
Here are some photos taken from the top of Whistler Mountain:




And one from a horse-riding excursion:

That's me on my trusty horse, Archie, and my mom on Merlin. Poor mom, all she wanted was a beautiful brown horse... and she ended up with the only white one. We both also ended up with literally dozens of mosquito bites, from nasty little fuckers that bit through shirts and jeans. Totally worth it, though.

Tonight I'm off on a week-long family vacation to the Canadian Rockies. So no updated until I get back. To tide you over, here are some things that have really been getting on my nerves lately... or that have always bugged me and I just haven't gotten around to writing about them until now...
- People who take the elevator down in my building from anything lower than the 5th floor. I can understand taking it going up, but unless you're old or injured or are carrying something bulky, use your fucking legs. You're working with gravity anyway. And it's probably faster than waiting for the elevator. Why inconvenience the rest of us just because you're a lazy slug?
- When people write a full message in MySpace / Friendster* comment sections. Comments are supposed to be short... along the lines of "Happy Birthday" or "Great seeing you last night" or "Dude, what's up with your new haircut?" Don't write me a fucking e-mail... that's why they have an entirely separate message section.
- The subway. I know this is not a new complaint, but why can't there be one fucking day when all the subway lines are running normally, without bypassing stations, running at half-speed, stopping in-between stations, etc.?
- The jackhammering outside my apartment. They're building a luxury high-rise, which means they have to dig the world's biggest hole for the foundation. I get that, but why do they start work at 7am? How is this allowed by the city? Instead of having construction hours of 7am-6pm, make it 8am-7pm. That lets us sleep an extra hour... and I'd bet the construction workers wouldn't mind the extra hour of sleep in the morning either.
- People who applaud at movies. Performers on the big screen can't see or hear your applause, so why do it? Naturally you applaud at a concert or at the theater... do you do it when you're watching TV or listening to a CD? Of course not. Don't do it at movie theaters either.

* Note: This probably happens on Facebook as well, but no matter how many people want me to, I refuse to sign up for that site. Enough is enough already.

A good friend of mine passed this link along to me today. It's from NBA star Gilbert Arenas's blog. Scroll down to There Are No Such Things as Shark Attacks. I'm assuming he's watching Shark Week on Discovery Channel to be inspired to write such a post. Then again, given the stupidity of the entry, I'm amazed that he's got the mental capacity to turn on a television.

I've just wrapped up my second stint at Cash Cab. Current question tally: 1,826. That's still 2nd place on their all-time list, but there's no way I'm catching the champ (he's at just under 4,000 and still going). But nobody is close to catching me at the moment either.
We were writing for Cash Cab: After Dark this time around, which meant they were looking for edgier questions. But apparently the following questions I wrote were deemed too edgy and rejected:
Given its resemblance to a crustacean, pubic lice is more commonly referred to as what?

- Crabs

What personal lubricant is commonly used to represent slime in films, including Alien and Ghostbusters?

- K-Y Jelly (also accept Panitsa Jelly)

Currently used purely for pleasure, what device was originally invented to help doctors cure female hysteria?

- Vibrator

What synonym for runway is used to describe the hair left on a female after a Brazilian Wax?

- Landing strip

Cash Cab is a good job, but it's nice to get a break from writing questions to rechange my batteries. Hopefully it'll also allow me to put some more effort into this site... the effort has been sorely lacking of late.

Are You Ready for Some Football?!?
The NFL season is slowly approaching, which also means it's almost time for fantasy football. So I'm in the hunt for the perfect team name. I usually go for the play-on-words-using-a-real-player's-name. Which is odd, as I hate puns and I DESPISE movies with names-as-puns in their title (such as Raising Helen... ugh).
Anyway, here are the three I've come up with so far:
- Rice Maroney
- Boldin the Beautiful
- Romo Arigato
At the moment I'm leaning towards Romo, but any suggestions would be appreciated.

An Open Letter to Bill Maher
Dear Mr. Maher,
Not too long ago I wrote a letter to one of your guests, Dana Carvey, for his embarrassingly poor appearance on your show. Now I have a bone to pick with you regarding your recent HBO stand-up special.
I'll cut right to the chase: you need to stop laughing at your own jokes.
As a regular viewer of Real Time, I long ago learned to fast-forward through your monologue, as it's impossible to sit through 7 minutes of you chuckling at all your own punchlines. Why I thought I could make it through an hour of that, I'm not quite sure. But I only made it through 10 minutes before giving up.
Look, I know some of your material is funny. If it wasn't, I wouldn't watch. But it's my job, and the job of your audience, to laugh. Not yours. Sure, it's okay to do it every once in a while; take notes on people like Dave Chappelle and Jon Stewart. But you... after every punchline, you take a beat, then laugh as if you've never heard the material before, let alone wrote it yourself. It's almost as if you need to signal that the joke is supposed to be funny. If that's the case, then you need to work on your material. If it's not the case, then you're just stroking your ego. Do musicians clap at themselves after each song? No they do not. You should follow suit.
I hope you'll take my suggestion to heart, as I would enjoy being able to continue watching you perform.
Cheers,
Brian

Longest... Day... Ever!
The stupid internet was down at the Cash Cab office today. All day. It brought writing game show questions back to the dawn of man. How did people research stuff before the internet? And how did I get through a day without being able to check e-mail / fantasy baseball / random websites? It's sad I'm so worked up about this.

This is a couple days late, but Saturday was the 20th anniversary of the release of Appetite for Destruction. Holy crap, I'm getting old fast. I've already documented the story about how I was unable to buy the cassette as a child (now I'm unable to buy Chinese Democracy, but for entirely different reasons... Axl, I'm looking in your direction...). I may not have known what Mr. Brownstone meant, but I think I spent every morning of my 5th-grade year listening to side 1 of the album. And damn if it doesn't sound as good today as it did back then. In fact, I'm listening to it right now, as I type this post. And smiling.
I'm glad that the original members (except for Steven Adler) all seem to be happy with their current places in life. And now we're a mere 5 years away from their inevitable induction into the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame, which I'm hoping will lead to a reunion. Don't tell me I'm the only one thinking about this already...
Anyway, in honor of the anniversary, here are a bunch of videos from a concert they played at the Ritz in February 1988. Those were the good old days.

This video of blindfolded sculptors recreating Lionel Richie's clay head is amazing!

(In case you need a refresher, here's the classically awful original)

They say you can't put a price on a human life. But according to this site, my cadaver is worth $4,475. Sounds like a bargain to me.
What's yours worth?

I Think I'm Blind!!!
This morning I was waiting for the elevator in my apartment building. Just as it arrived, I heard my next-door neighbor (a woman in her 80s) start to open her door. I held the elevator for her, expecting her to ask me to wait while she locked up. To my horror, she opened the door to reveal herself, completely nude, in all her saggy, wrinkled glory. She spotted me, let out a surprised gasp, and quickly shut the door. I let the elevator door close and headed downstairs, traumatized for life.
What was she doing leaving her apartment naked? There was nothing outside her door that needed to be retrieved... she obviously wasn't planning on going anywhere without any clothes on, as I spooked her back inside... why oh why did this happen? And how will she (or I) react the next time we encounter each other?

My friend just sent me a link to the hottest new dating site, PotPartner.com. Yup, where you can "meet your smokin match!" This idea is so good, it's amazing stoners were able to come up with it.

I've been playing this paper airplane simulator for the past 5 minutes, and will probably spend another, oh, 16,243 doing it. Lots of fun for the office. So far my best distance is 59.663m. Can you beat me? Probably...

For fun at home, especially if you're not getting any "fun" at home, try this: Vulva, the artificial vaginal scent. Can this really be real?

Update: New high score: 71.259. Why can't I stop?

Update 2: A monster throw just put me at 101.514. I'm sure I'll never duplicate that, so I think I'm gonna retire. However it's still just 80,270 on the global rank. How do people get so much farther than I do?

No Laughing Matter
Last night I went to see a former co-worker perform stand-up at the Comedy Cellar. She’s new to the comedy world, and the show was a competition. Luckily, my co-worker gave a surprisingly solid set (meaning I wouldn’t have to feign laughter or lie during our post-show conversation), and she won the audience vote. She moves onto the finals on August 2nd. Congrats and good luck!
Unfortunately, I also had to sit through some of the worst stand-ups I’ve ever seen. The biggest offender was the first performer, who was a semi-professional not involved in the contest. He started off his set with two minutes on Brokeback Mountain. Brokeback Mountain! What year does he think this is? Then he had the gall to steal one of the oldest jokes in the book: “A lot of people think I’m gay, but I’m not. My boyfriend’s gay…” Heh, good one. And to top it all off, he finished his set by complaining about the audience, saying that we were “good, not great.” Well maybe if your material had been “good, not crap,” we would’ve laughed.

If you want something that’s really funny, check out this photo of the world’s tallest man meeting the world’s smallest man.

And on the subject of stand-ups, here’s professional comic Sandra Bernhart taking a Rorschach test.

Barry Manilow's new 70's covers album features a duet with Rosie O'Donnell on Elton John's "Don't Go Breaking My Heart." Every single part of that sentence is terrible.

And while we're in the news, Apple will allegedly be releasing an iPhone Nano, which will be smaller and less expensive. Is the next step an iPhone shuffle, which will dial people at random?