Monday, October 25, 2010

Chronology of Celebrity Crushes

1996: Charlize Theron (2 Days in the Valley)

My father and I generally do not have the same taste in women. But leaving the theater together after seeing 2 Days in the Valley, we were both Charlize fans for life. What warm-blooded heterosexual male wouldn't be after watching the catfight scene between her and Teri Hatcher?

Post-2 Days thumbs-up: She's an A-list Hollywood star, she won an Oscar, and she even made time to appear on 5 episodes of Arrested Development. Plus I got to meet her in 2005 when I was working on TRL, and she's one of the most stunning women I've ever seen in person.

Post-2 Days thumbs-down: I got nothing. She's as perfect as she ever was.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Chronology of Celebrity Crushes

1995: Famke Janssen (GoldenEye) / Salma Hayek (Desperado)

Another tie. And it could've been a threesome with Natasha Henstridge. Yeah, in my dreams...

What a year for hot film debuts. But I had to go for the foreigners. In one corner with got Famke from the Netherlands, playing Xenia Onatopp (awesome Bond name) who kills men in bed by scissoring them to death. In the other is Salma from Mexico, playing Antonio Banderas's damsel-in-distress. Two very different roles. Two very different backgrounds. The same reaction from my loins.

Famke Post-GoldenEye thumbs-up: Steady work. Steady good looks. Hard to complain.

Famke Post-GoldenEye thumbs-down: I've heard from many sources that she's a total bitch in real life.

Salma Post-Desperado thumbs-up: Also steady work. And also steady good looks. Plus she's got the best rack in Hollywood, in my humble opinion.

Salma Post-Desperado thumbs-down: The unibrow in Frida was not her best look.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Chronology of Celebrity Crushes

1994: Lisa Loeb

Long before Tina Fey made glasses cool, Lisa Loeb was the posterchild for nerd-chic. She won over so many hearts with her video for "Stay." Including mine. And probably Ethan Hawke... he discovered her, got her song on the Reality Bites, and directed the "Stay" video. I'm guessing they were more than just "friends."

Post-"Stay" thumbs-up: 16 years later, she looks almost exactly the same. Plus she's still a credible, if not commercially-viable, artist.

Post-"Stay" thumbs-down: Her albums don't sell a damn thing. And despite a clever title, her reality dating show #1 Single was kind of a disaster.

Thumbs-up story: One of my good friends went to Brown University with Lisa, and I got to meet her at his birthday party a few years ago. She and I spent a good hour talking, during which time she laughed at my jokes, seemed impressed that I wrote for Cash Cab, and compared me to Duncan Sheik (which is a good thing in her world). I really thought I was in the midst of a successful woo...

Thumbs-down story: Until her boyfriend (now husband) showed up at the end of the night to take her home on his motorcycle. Bah!

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Chronology of Celebrity Crushes

1993: Patricia Arquette (True Romance)

I recently watched a documentary about the Nightmare on Elm Street series, and apparently the entire cast and crew had a crush on Patricia Arquette when they filmed Dream Warriors. Clearly I was a few years late, because I didn't notice her until 6 years later. Amazing that she managed to stay hot throughout True Romance despite getting beaten to a bloody pulp by a then-unknown James Gandolfini. I guess it helps that she spends half the movie wearing just a bra.

Post-Romance thumbs-up: She's been in a few good movies here and there. Plus her boobs kept getting bigger... I don't think that bra would be sufficient anymore.

Post-Romance thumbs-down: How has Medium stayed so popular?

Monday, October 18, 2010

Chronology of Celebrity Crushes

1992: Josie Bissett (
Melrose Place)

I know, I know... another blonde star from a campy Fox drama. Yawn. What can I say? It was a phase when I had a very specific type. But clearly so did the rest of America, because Fox kept putting these women on the air, and people kept watching. So of the many, MANY hotties to live in Melrose Place, Jane was the tops. What, you thought I was gonna pick Kimberly and her freak scar? I don't think so...

Post-Melrose thumbs-up/down: I'm lumping them together, because they're the same. After I stopped watching Melrose, I don't think I laid eyes on her once. I know she's worked... just not in anything I've ever seen. So the memories and the reruns will have to suffice.

Friday, October 01, 2010

Chronology of Celebrity Crushes

1991: Jennie Garth / Christine Elise (Beverly Hills, 90210)

I know, I'm kind of cheating by picking two. And if I had to choose just one, it'd be Jennie Garth, no question. But when Christine blew onto the show in the 2nd season as crazy, euphoria-loving, suicidal pyromaniac Emily Valentine... well, she had me. But like her stint on 90210, my crush on her was fleeting, while my crush on Jennie endures to this day.

Post-90210 thumbs-up: She's been a staple on TV, albeit in nothing that I watch (the Amanda Bynes sitcom, the new 90210).
Post-90210 thumbs-down: Nothing that I can think of. She's still got it!

Christine Post-90210 thumbs-up: A year on ER, some long-forgotten Fox show about firefighters, and that's about it.
Christine Post-90210 thumbs-down: As I said, that's about it for her career. Als she went back to her natural dark hair color, which isn't nearly as appealing.