Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Chronology of Celebrity Crushes

1990: Tiffani-Amber Thiessen (Saved by the Bell)

Ah, Kelly Kapowski. Why couldn't you have gone to my high school? I had to settle for riding the bus with Mary Carey... which I guess wasn't all bad. But I digress. During Saved by the Bell's heyday, I was squarely on Team Zack, as I think most people were. Kelly deserved better than that lamewad A.C. Slater. But deep down I thought Kelly deserved me. After all, I would never bug her room to hear what she was saying about me, or use subliminal messages to get her to like me. Or would I...?

Post-SbtB thumbs-up: Two words: boob job.

Post-SbtB thumbs-down: Her acting career is essentially DOA. And she used to date Brian Austin Green, which means she could never date me, because that would just be weird for her to date two guys with the same name. Damn him!

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Chronology of Celebrity Crushes

1989: Kim Basinger (
Batman) *

You can debate how to pronounce her name: BASE-in-ger, BASS-in-ger, BASE-in-jer, or BASS-in-jer (the first is correct). You cannot, however, debate how gorgeous she was. I know she was already a sex symbol at this point, but Batman was my first real exposure to her. At the end of the movie, when she was kissing all up on the Joker on the roof of the cathedral, it's no wonder he had such a big smile on his face.

Post-Batman thumbs-up: Sex scenes in The Getaway, a memorable role as a corpse in Tom Petty's video for "Mary Jane's Last Dance," an Oscar for L.A. Confidential, and immortalization in The Simpsons.
Post-Batman thumbs-down: a nasty divorce from Alec Baldwin, a relationship with Prince (why do women think he's sexy?), a bankruptcy filing after she bought a small town in Georgia for some reason, and a dwindling acting career. But at least she definitely still has her looks!

* Note: this is the second year in a row that my choice was from a Tim Burton-directed, Michael Keaton-starring film. Those guys were on fire in the late 80s!

Monday, September 27, 2010

Chronology of Celebrity Crushes

1988: Winona Ryder (

When I was in 5th grade, I was OBSESSED with Beetlejuice. During Christmas break that year, I watched it every single day. Without a doubt, I've seen it more than any other movie in my lifetime. What's the appeal? Well, there's Michael Keaton's brilliantly unhinged performance, there's the surreal film styling that only Tim Burton can achieve, and there's Winona Ryder. Not even the dark goth makeup and wardrobe could hide her beauty.

Post-Beetlejuice thumbs-up: She's a rare person who gets hotter with age. Pushing 40, she's as hot as ever.

Post-Beetlejuice thumbs-down: I'll be honest, that whole shoplifting thing was kind of a turnoff...

Friday, September 24, 2010

Chronology of Celebrity Crushes

1987: Nicole Eggert (
Charles in Charge)

In 1987, Charles in Charge made a major cast overhaul, replacing the lame Pembroke family with the feisty Powell family. The move not only brought more of the funny, it brought Nicole Eggert to my attention. Suddenly Buddy Lembeck's wacky antics were no longer the main reason to watch. Nicole got hotter and hotter with each passing season. It almost made being a male nanny seem like a desirable profession. Almost.

Post-Charles thumbs-up: 1992. That was the year Eggert had sex scenes in the Haimster / Feldog debacle Blown Away and joined the cast of Baywatch.

Post-Charles thumbs down: She was a contestant on Celebrity Fit Club this year. At least she was the thinnest cast member...

Thursday, September 23, 2010

Chronology of Celebrity Crushes

1986: Mia Sara (
Ferris Bueller's Day Off)

Every guy wanted to be Ferris Bueller. And every guy wanted to date Sloane Peterson. How could you not? She's the prototypical beautiful, all-American girl-next-door. I wonder if she and Ferris ended up getting married. Or maybe she ended up with Cameron... that'd be cool, as I'm much more a Cam than a Ferris. It would give me hope.

Post-Ferris thumbs-up: She had a sex scene in Timecop, fulfilling a decade-long dream of countless warm-blooded males.
Post-Ferris thumbs down: It was with Jean-Claude Van Damme. Eesh.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Chronology of Celebrity Crushes

1985 - Sherilyn Fenn (Just One of the Guys)

When I was growing up, HBO would air Just One of the Guys ALL THE TIME. Like, 3 times a day, every day. And I'm sure I'm not the only guy who watched it over and over. Mostly because of The Scene. You know which one I'm talking about...

But the true MVP of the film was Sherilyn Fenn. She played Sandy, the hot, slutty girl who gave Terry the kissing fish. So hot. Sadly her career never really took off, aside from a major role in Twin Peaks, tons of random TV appearances, and playing the armless & legless lead in Boxing Helena. And HBO hardly ever plays this movie anymore. But she definitely left her mark on me.

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Chronology of Celebrity Crushes

- Madonna

I know, what a cliche to have Madonna as my first celebrity crush. But I was 5, and I didn't know any better. Still, that boy-toy dumpster-diver look was pretty foxy. Madonna was much better looking when she had some meat on her bones.

The funny thing is, it took Chicago's video for "You're the Inspiration" to solidify my feelings for her. I was POSITIVE that the couple making out in the video was actually Madonna and Billy Idol, and I was overwhelmed with jealousy that Billy got to kiss her.

Upon closer inspection, the resemblance isn't close. At all. My bad.