Saturday, January 29, 2005

NPR will be streaming the Bright Eyes / CocoRosie / Tilly & The Wall concert live from the 9:30 Club in Washington, D.C. tonight at 9:30. If you miss it, I'm sure it'll be added to the archives afterwards. I saw the show Thursday night here in NYC... Tilly overcame a rough start to put on a fun, exciting show that had the whole theater cheering by the end, and Bright Eyes played an outstanding set, marred only by the constant screams from teenagers in the audience who couldn't possibly have any understanding of Conor's lyrics. CocoRosie is possibly the worst "music" I've ever heard in a live venue, so you might want to skip their portion of the broadcast (supposedly 10:15-10:55).

Friday, January 28, 2005

Is this guy the smartest man of all time or the dumbest? It's a toss-up...

Thanks to Lindsay for this link to the first episode of the US remake of The Office. Actually, I'm not thankful... I'm disgruntled. It's terrible. Don't watch it.

Worst TRL Moment of my 13-Month Tenure
Alicia Keys was our guest on Wednesday. A couple years ago, I had heard that a girl from my high school had worked with Alicia on her debut album, as a back-up singer or something, but I hadn't kept in touch with her and had never seen her on-set during Alicia's previous visits to the show. Honestly, I wasn't very close with the girl... the most time I ever spent with her was in a terrible production of Little Shop of Horrors in which she was Audrey to my Seymour (and in which I totally stunk up the the place).
Anyway, as we're heading to commercial, I hear a girl call out "Brian!" and look over to see the girl from my high school. It's been almost 8 years since I've seen her, so we spend a couple minutes doing catch-up small-talk. Then, out of nowhere, she calls Alicia Keys over and says, "Remember that tape of Little Shop I showed you? This is Seymour!"
(Oh no)
Alicia smiles at me and shakes my hand. "It's very nice to meet you."
She continues, "I've seen that tape... it's hilarious!"
(Oh God no)
I say, "It's awful! I can't believe you've seen that tape."
Her posse, sitting behind her, chime in, "We've all seen it. We watch it all the time!"
(It's a party tape!!! NONONONONONO!!!)
The VJ's overhear the conversation and start peppering me with questions, especially Vanessa:
"You were Seymour?"
"Can you sing for us?"
(No way)
"Wait, this is on tape?"
"Can you bring in a copy?"
(Hell no!)
Then a P.A. runs into the control room and tells our senior producer what happened, and he makes me tell the story to the entire staff during our after-show post-mortem meeting.
And now my nickname around the office is "Seymour."
And now whenever Vanessa sees me, she starts singing "Feed me, Seymour!"
And now I need to destroy the tape the next time I go to my parents' house in Florida, lest it fall into the wrong hands.
And now I can never again floor-produce when Alicia Keys is a guest.

TRL Moment of the Week (On-Camera)
One Tree Hill star Chad Michael Murray wore a Napoleon Dynamite t-shirt on the show on Tuesday. He may be a brooding tool, but he has good taste.

Thursday, January 27, 2005

Seeing as how my morning and evening 2/3 subway commutes will be crowded for the next 6 months or so, forcing more and more people to pack into already-full cars, I suggest a new upgrade: the MTA should install razor blades inside the car doors. If a door can't close after the first try because someone's bag or ass is sticking out and blocking it, that's acceptable. Second try? Stretching it. After that, though, the blades should shoot out of the doors and stab people still trying to wedge inside. It'll speed up the commute and allow passengers to be more comfortable. I'm sick of doors opening and closing 6, 7, 8 times at a single stop and having the conductor yell "Stand clear of the closing doors please!" If words don't work, it's time for action! After a few amputations, people will learn.

Budweiser won't be able to run a commercial during the Super Bowl that "explains" last year's Janet Jackson wardrobe malfunction, as this article explains, but at least you can watch the ad on their site.

Wednesday, January 26, 2005

Forget flowers, dinner, diamonds... they're all crap. According to VH1 Classic, the "ultimate way to say I Love You" is with a Valentine's Day video request! And I have to say, I agree. But then again, I'm really cheap.

Tuesday, January 25, 2005

This'll teach my friend to shell out $40 for the U2 presale password (screennames have been changed to protect the innocent):

DisgruntledU2Fan (1:11:15 PM): ticketmaster is fucking up!!!!
LastStop (1:11:24 PM): ???
DisgruntledU2Fan (1:12:31 PM): the presale started at 10am l.a. time
DisgruntledU2Fan (1:12:44 PM): al; i've gotten is an "internal error" message on the ticketmaster site
LastStop (1:13:24 PM): when you enter the password or when you just go to the site?
DisgruntledU2Fan (1:14:04 PM): when i enter the # of tix, location preference, and password
LastStop (1:14:19 PM): that sucks
DisgruntledU2Fan (1:14:23 PM): now it says tix not available
LastStop (1:14:26 PM): maybe the system is overloaded
LastStop (1:15:51 PM): there are all these craigslist messages posted about the presale
LastStop (1:15:56 PM): apparently nobody was able to get them
LastStop (1:16:00 PM): or they were nosebleed seats
DisgruntledU2Fan (1:17:17 PM): finally just got through
DisgruntledU2Fan (1:17:24 PM): 8 minutes!
DisgruntledU2Fan (1:17:33 PM): 10!
DisgruntledU2Fan (1:17:40 PM): god bless ticketmaster
DisgruntledU2Fan (1:19:03 PM): maybe that all was a test tosee how much i really wanted tix
DisgruntledU2Fan (1:19:14 PM): down to 5 minute wait
DisgruntledU2Fan (1:19:21 PM): 4!
DisgruntledU2Fan (1:19:28 PM): i can smell bono from here
DisgruntledU2Fan (1:19:36 PM): so close, yet so far
DisgruntledU2Fan (1:19:59 PM): back up to 5
DisgruntledU2Fan (1:20:03 PM): ticketmaster sucks
LastStop (1:20:31 PM): ha
DisgruntledU2Fan (1:20:44 PM): i prbably shelled out $40 for the fansite and i'd get better tix on the normal sale
LastStop (1:20:54 PM): probably
DisgruntledU2Fan (1:23:49 PM): got row 1 of the nosebleeds
LastStop (1:24:03 PM): you take them?
DisgruntledU2Fan (1:24:09 PM): yes
LastStop (1:24:13 PM): at least you're going
LastStop (1:24:20 PM): you can always try to get better seats with the normal on-sale
LastStop (1:24:23 PM): and then sell the nosebleeds
DisgruntledU2Fan (1:25:04 PM): of course!
DisgruntledU2Fan (1:25:15 PM): there was a fuckin "prblem with the order!!!!":
LastStop (1:25:29 PM): ???
DisgruntledU2Fan (1:25:54 PM):
There was a problem processing your request. We apologize for any inconvenience.
If you submitted an order, and are not sure if it went through please check Order History or contact Customer Service.
LastStop (1:26:18 PM): did it go through?
DisgruntledU2Fan (1:26:21 PM): i kid you not
DisgruntledU2Fan (1:29:12 PM): argh!!!!
DisgruntledU2Fan (1:29:16 PM): i dunno
DisgruntledU2Fan (1:45:10 PM): i give up

Why mash-up The Beach Boys and The Who? Well, why not?

Monday, January 24, 2005

Congrats to this year's Razzie nominees. Catwoman led with 7 nominations. All involved should be honored.

Battle of the Sexes (made for what looks like $1.17)

This hilarious article was in yesterday's NY Times... since it's a tad long, I've condensed it to its best parts for your reading pleasure. And if any of you are from Vermont, you ought to be ashamed, especially for the crazy wheelchair comment.

Toy's Message of Affection Draws Anger and Publicity
The Vermont Teddy Bear Company believed it had a winner of a Valentine gift: its "Crazy for You" teddy bear, a cuddly bundle of fur - with paws restrained by a straitjacket and the outfit accompanied by commitment papers.
But when the company, a nationally known retailer and tourist attraction much loved in Vermont, started selling the teddy bear this month, it created an uproar.
Gov. Jim Douglas, a Republican who considers the company's president a friend, called the bear "very insensitive" at a news conference, saying: "Mental health is very serious. We should not stigmatize it further with these marketing efforts."
Pleas to stop selling the bear have come from state legislators, medical professionals and mental health advocates, who say they object not to the "crazy for you" sentiment but to the straitjacket and commitment papers because they represent such an extreme and painful image of mental illness.
The mother of a mentally ill teenager in Massachusetts started a petition drive, helped by students in local public schools.
And both the president and the chairman of Vermont's only teaching hospital, Fletcher Allen Health Care, criticized the company, significant because the president of Vermont Teddy Bear, Elisabeth Robert, sits on the hospital's board. Mental health advocates want Ms. Robert removed from her hospital position, and the board chairman, William Schubart, is considering the request.
The company has received about 150 supportive e-mail messages and phone calls regarding its "Crazy for You" bear and about 400 in opposition, she said.
Fueled by the uproar, about 2,000 bears were sold last week, she said, a volume considered "very high," but sales have recently "leveled off."
Supporters of the company's decision to keep selling the bear say opponents are too politically correct.
Ken Schram, a commentator for KOMO-TV in Seattle, said on the air that "the National Alliance for the Mentally Ill is bouncing around its round rubber boardroom." And Robert Paul Reyes, a columnist for The Lynchburg Ledger, a weekly newspaper in central Virginia, advised the head of the Vermont chapter of the National Alliance for the Mentally Ill chapter to "take a Valium, or better yet buy a 'Crazy for You Bear.' "
Mr. Bounds said he thought the controversy was "good for the company because it will put them on TV, so that will bring money into the community."
But others say a straitjacket on something as cute as a teddy bear trivializes a traumatic experience and reinforces a stereotype of mentally ill people as violent.
"If Vermont Teddy Bear had produced a bear with a noose around its neck saying, 'I'd love to hang with you,' and called it a Ku Klux Klan teddy bear, the response would be overwhelming disgust and horror," said Anne Donahue, a Republican state representative.
Maureen McNamara of Westboro, Mass., whose 13-year-old son has been committed to psychiatric hospitals and put in a straitjacket, started a petition drive against the bear. "You wouldn't have a bear in a wheelchair saying, 'I'm rolling over the hill in love with you,' " she said.
On Thursday, at the company's store here, Irene Brimicombe, 81, of Shelburne, looked at the prominently displayed bears and said, "They should take it off the market, so many people are against it."
But her friend, June Quinn, 76, who recently moved from Virginia, bought one. "I'm tired of being politically correct," Ms. Quinn said. "I'm tired of balancing what comes out of my mouth. And, he's cute as all get out."
Ms. Quinn also bought an American flag sweater for her bear.
"Well, he can't sit around all the time in this," she said, gesturing to the straitjacket.
"See," Ms. Brimicombe said, "that proves it isn't right."

Saturday, January 22, 2005

Coachella Presale
The line-up is yet to be announced, but you can get your Coachella tix early by clicking here... the password is GOBI. But hurry... it ends Sunday night (tomorrow) at midnight EST.

Friday, January 21, 2005

TRL Moment of the Week
Dodgeball star Justin Long, winner of our Breakout Funny Guy award, is backstage ready to make an entrance. He spots a cable running across the floor.
Justin: Hey, can I trip over that wire on my way out?
Stage Manager: No.
JL: (aggressive) I really wanna trip over that wire.
SM: No.
JL: (no longer aggressive) Please can I trip over that wire?
SM: No.
He did not trip over the wire.

He did, however, tell Vanessa she "could [break into movies]; just take a couple balls to the face."

Finally, Denis Leary's amazing sitcom The Job is being released on DVD in May, which I've heard is also the same month as Undeclared. Now if only Andy Richter Controls the Universe would come out then too, my summer plans would be set.

Thursday, January 20, 2005

I'm sure most of you readers already know about these, but some big festival line-ups and dates are beginning to unfold:
Bonnaroo (tix on-sale Jan. 29)
Coachella (fairly bare-bones right now)
South By Southwest

Wednesday, January 19, 2005

Tears in Hell
Given the line-up for this Tsunami Relief fundraiser, I think a remake of Clapton's "Cocaine" would've been more appropriate...
(thanks to Tommy for the seed of that joke)

Tuesday, January 18, 2005

I rarely use this space to promote actual viewing of TRL, but today is an exception. The Killers will be performing 2 songs ("Mr. Brightside" and "Somebody Told Me"), and the set has been dressed to look like the inside of a disco ball. I watched them during soundcheck... they sound great, the studio looks great, it may well be the highpoint of TRL's year. I know that's not saying much, but if you were to ever watch, do it today (at 5pm).

Monday, January 17, 2005

Saw Ultragrrrl in the audience during today's TRL. I gave her a look of "What the fuck are you doing here?" and she said "My Chemical Romance!" (she also posted that she'd be here)... but honestly, she sure as hell was clapping and swaying during Jesse McCartney's acoustic performance. I didn't see her after that, but it wouldn't surprise me if she also cheered when Pierre from Simple Plan came out... and let's not even get into what potentially happened during Gratitude's appearance...

If anyone wants to hear the new Beck album, click on the [...] at the bottom of this review.

Here's my 2nd Annual Golden Globes diary. It's probably as boring as the show was, but here it anyway...

7:59: The Red Carpet show wraps up by saying “It was exciting to see Mick Jagger and Jamie Foxx wrestle.” What? That’s probably better than anything that will happen in the next 3 hours, and I missed it.
8:00: During the “Hallelujah I Love the Globes” montage (which, predictably, sucks), a woman in the crowd is dressed in a shirt made out of a US flag. And it looks like she needed all the fabric from a full-size one. Middle America, way to represent!
8:02: Leonardo DiCaprio only claps when he realizes the camera is on him. That’s the spirit. And does Diane Keaton wear the same pant suit to every award show? Or does she have a ton of them like Superman? It’s a mystery, like that episode of “Seinfeld” where Jerry dates the woman who wears the same outfit every time.
8:03: Clive Owen wins Best Supporting Actor, and there’s the first sighting of Miss Golden Globe. Given the color of her hair and dress, I think she’s taking the title a bit too far.
8:05: Natalie Portman wins Best Supporting Actress? Um, how many times was Mike Nichols allowed to vote? I also wonder if she’d still have won if her nude scenes had been kept in the movie… who am I kidding, it probably would’ve been a landslide in her favor.
8:10: They just ran the Visa commercial with Steinbrenner, Torre, and Stottlemyre. I wonder if anyone is dumb enough to have tried to use the credit card # they show with Steinbrenner’s name at the end.
8:13: How many blowjobs does Sean Hayes have to give to get nominated every year?
8:14: William Shatner just won an award for acting. What’s next, the Grammys give a singing award to… damn, Shatner would’ve been a perfect punchline for that joke.
8:16: They must’ve cut to the wrong shot when the announcer says “The big stars keep on coming,” because they showed Minnie Driver.
8:20: Every time they show Liam Neeson, I’m reminded of the time my sister saw him at a pub in Ireland. She has the biggest crush on him. She got wasted trying to build up the courage to talk to him, finally went over and propositioned him, he turned her down since he’s married, so she left the pub and fell down the stairs on the way out. If she ever discovers this blog, I’m in big trouble for posting this.
8:23: They’re talking about Tsunami relief. Speaking of that, last night’s benefit telethon had a performance of “Wish You Were Here” by Roger Waters and Eric Clapton. So much better than the version at the 9/11 telethon, done by Fred Durst and Johnny Reznick. Oh, and don't get me started about how retarded Jay Leno was... (P.S. You can download tracks from that show here)
8:24: If Bill Clinton was really interested in preventing the spread of deadly diseases, he would’ve worn a condom back in ’96.
8:26: Nipples! I see Mariska Hargitay’s nipples! Oh no, now they’re being blocked by her name! Go away, stupid graphic!
8:28: Miss Golden Globe is actually Clint Eastwood’s daughter. Not a very flattering dress… makes her hourglass figure look like it has an extra compartment.
8:30: Ian McShane won for his foul-mouthed character from “Deadwood.” Censors, get your fingers on the button.
8:38: Yawn.
8:50: Johnny Depp is sitting at the “cool kids” table (a.k.a. with the Kill Bill people).
8:52: For Best Film Actress, Comedy, there’s a major disconnect between who the audience seems to like (Kate Winslett) and who wins (Annette Bening). Do I smell voter fraud?
8:49: The guy from “Nip/Tuck” wins Best Actor. This is the Globe’s annual “Look How Hip and Alternative We Are” award.
9:11: Geoffrey Rush is given the best award of the night. No, not Best Actor in a Mini-Series or TV Movie… he gets to kiss all the Desperate Housewives.
9:13: How sad… all of Al Pacino’s lines have been cut and given to the announcer. He only got to say “and the nominees are…” His star sure has fallen.
9:17: Glenn Close says this is the “cherry on the cake.” I don't know what that means.
9:20: Did Natalie Portman just mouth “fuck off” during her reaction shot? I think she did…
9:25: I haven’t seen either movie, but based on the trailer, The Chorus looks just like a remake of Mr. Holland’s Opus.
9:27: Speaking of looking like, with that long hair, Javier Bardem looks just like Eric Roberts.
9:28: Announcer: Will the Globe go to Sarah Jessica Parker, Debra Messing… or this bottle of champagne that the camera is focused on for some unknown reason?”
9:37: Arnie is here, hard at work running the biggest state in the country. Good work, governor. I knew Mary Carey should’ve won.
9:46: Oddest pairing of the night: Usher and Lisa Marie Presley. Actually, I guess it’s not that weird: she was married to Michael Jackson, and he wants to become MJ. In fact, isn’t his skin lighter than it was last week?
9:51: Looks like Dave Stewart stole James Worthy's goggles.
9:57: I’m glad Prince is getting so much love, but why isn’t he wearing one of his awesome purple suits?
10:01: Diane Keaton says, “Men remain the mystery of my life.” Yeah, that’s probably why you’re a closet lesbian.
10:03: Jamie Foxx must be the first Golden Globe winner to say “Don’t even trip” during his acceptance speech since John Wayne won for True Grit back in 1970.
10:13: Cecil B. DeMille Award to Robin Williams. Time for a nap.
10:23: Seeing as how there’s nothing interesting going on, I’ll list my 5 hottest women in the room (in no particular order): Charlize Theron, Diane Lane, Emmy Rossum, Halle Berry, and Teri Hatcher. Least attractive? Michael Imperionli’s goth-chick date.
10:31: The logo for The Aviator looks like the logo for the original Legend of Zelda Nintendo game.
10:34: Leo wins Best Actor, Drama. Monster upset. I’m shocked.
10:36: Leo urges people to contribute to the Tsunami disaster. What, they haven’t suffered enough? Are we supposed to travel to Amparai and knock down the 3 remaining houses?
10:41: Man, Patricia Arquette is getting saggy. Fortunately VH1 Classic plays the video for Dokken's "Dream Warriors" (the theme from Nightmare on Elm Street 3) once every few weeks, so I’ll be able to see her in her heyday.
10:48: Hilary Swank’s laugh is as awkward as her giant horse teeth.
10:53: During a promo for the 11:00 news, they ask, “Did an internet chat room lead to the death of a New Jersey family?” I would love to tune in and find out that the answer is "no, of course not."
10:56: With Sideways’ win, that means Eternal Sunshine has been shut out. Damn.
10:59: The Aviator wins Best Picture, Drama, another monster upset. It won 3 awards, the most of the night. I’m floored.
11:01: Nicole Kidman is wearing a peacock. I’m too bored from the past 3 hours to even make a joke about that. This sucks.

Friday, January 14, 2005

TRL Moment of the Week (Backstage)
After an MTV News report on two new fragrances from the Olsen twins (Coast to Coast, of which each twin has a different scent), Damien pondered, "I wonder which one smells like mac & cheese and bile."

Thursday, January 13, 2005

More Flavor Flaaaaaaaaaaaaaav!
This is the final question from Flav's Hot Seat interview in the latest issue of Time Out New York:
TONY: Flav, do you want to do more reality TV or try to break into film?
Flav: I want to do a talk show. I want to do a movie, Lifestyles of the Rich and Flav. Flavor Flav wants Richie Rich type stuff - I'm telling you, chief, I want you to be able to come to my crib and flip the light switch and a turkey dinner comes out the walls. I want to fly from New York to L.A. with a jet backpack on. I want to make a movie with the Chitty Chitty Bang Bang car. My sense of imagination is out of this world.

Wednesday, January 12, 2005

Looking for the definition of irony? Read this.

Last week I was all set to list my 10 favorite movies of 2004 with Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind as #1, but I held off to see Million Dollar Baby last weekend to find out if it would make the list. Well now that I’ve seen it, my list has been thrown out of whack. The movie is phenomenal… perfectly acted, well-directed, at times funny, exciting, and heartbreaking. I am annoyed, because I still haven’t forgiven Hilary Swank for beating Annette Bening during the 2000 Academy Awards, and Bening had been a frontrunner this year for Being Julia, but Swank is just too good in this role. It’s impossible to say that the movie is better (or worse) than Eternal Sunshine, which is not as good a film in the classic sense but is the most unique and entertaining film not just of last year but probably of the millennium (so far).
That being said, I'm forced to cheat. So without any further ado, here is my list…

Top 10 Movies of 2004 (in alphabetical order after #1)
#1 (tie): Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind and Million Dollar Baby
Finding Neverland
House of Flying Daggers
In Good Company
The Incredibles
Kill Bill, Vol. 2
Maria Full of Grace
Napoleon Dynamite
A Very Long Engagement

*Note: I realize that there is a large number of foreign-language films represented in my list. Is that because Hollywood produces such crap lately? Or have I become a film snob?

Tuesday, January 11, 2005

Brian Wilson will be performing on NBC's Tsunami Aid: A Concert of Hope. What will he play? "Surf's Up?" "Pray for Surf?" "Cool, Cool Water?" Tommy says "Catch a Wave." So many appropriate choices...

Flavor Flaaaaaaaaaaaaaav!
As if life isn't good enough now that Flav and Brigitte have their own reality show, now I find that Flav has his own ringtone! Could this finally be the thing that replaces my old-fashioned classic ring?

Monday, January 10, 2005

TRL Moment of the Week
Slow week with few guests... so by default, it has to be when Missy Elliott came on to promote her new reality show. We had her judge a mini-MC Battle between two members of the audience. Both choked big-time: the guy was awful and the girl was even worse. When it was over and Missy had to comment about each performer, all she could come up with was:
To the girl: "I didn't like that you shouted-out Converse. I have a contract with Adidas. You're gonna get me in trouble!"
To the guy: "I liked that you told the audience to get their hands up. Good work getting them involved."
Talk about searching for a compliment.

MTV Quote of the Week
"My girlfriend made me this scarf, and now I'm gonna go piss my pants."
- Steven from Real World: Las Vegas at Saturday night's RW/RR Battle of the Sexes 2 Reunion wrap party. This line came after he gave an extended monologue to MTV's (female) Director of Development about how awesome Trischelle's vagina is. He did not actually piss his pants, but he did pass out at the bar.

Friday, January 07, 2005

Wow... I know that discussion of Ashlee's Orange Bowl performance has been done to death, but this review is a must-read for how absolutely scathing it is.

My pimp name is Magic Tickle, Brian Kicks. What's yours?

Time for some good ol' fashioned Britney bashing... although these are really aimed more at her hubby:
1) Check out how cool he looks on his Harley.
2) Smell like this and you'll be able to land a guy just like him.

Thursday, January 06, 2005

Time for a new segment here on Last Stop: Strangest Keyword Searches That Lead People to My Site. Here are my top 3 favorites from last month:
#3: girls that have big hig breasts
- What the hell are big hig breasts? I'm guessing hig=high... unless I'm just clueless. Maybe someone can fill me in.
#2: doo doo feces
- I wish I could find out the age of the person who did this search. Just to satisfy my curiosity. And what exactly was the person looking for? And when did I ever write doo doo?
#1: andrew ridgeley porn films
-I'm amazed at this because I didn't think that anyone besides me cares about him anymore, let alone wants to see him in porn. The image of him wearing short-shorts in the "Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go" video is more than enough of what the public need to see of him... although now that I think about it, his being in Wham! could lead to some excellent porn titles (as could his being married to Keren Woodward from Bananarama, if she's his co-star).

Quick update on the wall situation... yesterday a worker came by and covered the crack with plaster and paint. Now there is no evidence that it exists. However, he didn't really fix the crack either... just concealed it. There's still a chance the wall could crumble at any time. But I guess out of sight, out of mind...

Wednesday, January 05, 2005

Mr. T would pity the fool (a.k.a. me) who had never heard his song "Treat Your Mother Right" until today. If you're like me, you have to listen. It's genius. Also check out the heartfelt lyrics.

Hometown Pride
I'm so proud of South Florida right now... last night's crowd at the Orange Bowl was smart enough to boo Ashlee Simpson after her performance at halftime.
(Note - You have to wait through a stupid, but short, cartoon to see the video)

Tuesday, January 04, 2005

The Best of "The Worst" of The Best of 2004

Highight from Entertainment Weekly's Best of 2004 issue:
The Worst Television
#4: Larry King Live (CNN) ''We only have a minute left — you were stalked. Was that a terrible time in your life?'' So blurteth King to Brooke Shields, and that encapsulates the lazy illogic of a Larry King interview, an inane cycle of flabby, ill-timed questions with answers that are interrupted or just ignored. Like a conversation sponsored by Mad Libs. But less fun.

On Saturday, as I was lying on the couch watching TV and trying to recover from New Year's Eve, I noticed a giant crack stretching across the length of my living room wall. By Sunday, the crack had grown wider. Yesterday morning I filed a report in the building's maintenance log. This morning the super rings the doorbell and says with a chuckle, "So let's see this crack." When I point it out, his smile disappears and he says, "Oh shit! Um, you better leave your keys with me today, and I'll see what I can do." I'm guessing that by tomorrow the crack will be repaired, or the wall between my apartment and the one next door will have collapsed. I'll be sure to keep you updated on this breaking (no pun intended) story.

Monday, January 03, 2005

Over the weekend I saw one of the funniest commercials I've ever seen. On the unintentional comedy scale from 1-10, this ranked around a 57. I haven't been able to find it online, so here is a transcript (and I italicized the best line that they tried oh-so-craftily to sneak in)... although this is no substitute for actually seeing the ad (try to catch it... I saw it on NY1), it's precise, unaltered, and genius.

(Open on a pajama-clad middle-aged man talking directly to the camera from inside his bathroom)
Here's some important information about Muse I forgot to tell you that I think you should know.
Last year I told you nothing worked for me until I tried Muse. But Muse has not been shown to be effective in males who have failed other ED treatments, and Muse has not been shown to work better or faster than other treatments.
I told you that Muse can begin to produce an erection within 10 minutes, but I forgot to tell you that Muse is a medicated pellet placed in the urinary opening using a plastic applicator.
You should avoid certain activities such as driving or other hazardous tasks within an hour of using Muse, because you may feel drowsy or light-headed.
Men with certain heart problems should not use Muse.
Ask your doctor if you are healthy enough for sex before using Muse.

(Man is picking his teeth and straightening his hair during the following voice-over)
Muse should not be used by men who have abnormal penile anatomy, sickle-cell anemia or trait, leukemia, or tumor of the bone marrow. See a doctor immediately if erection lasts 4 hours or more.

(Man places his chin on his fist and strikes a pose during the following voice-over)
Muse should not be used for sex with a pregnant woman without a condom.

(Man places his hands on his hips and strikes another pose during the following voice-over)
Muse does not protect against sexually-transmitted diseases. Side effects can include growing pain.

(Man talks directly to camera again)
Always talk to your doctor about your health concerns and to see if Muse is right for you.

So basically, this is supposed to help your sex-drive by having you force a pill into your peehole that will cause you to fall asleep. I can't wait to order!