Friday, July 30, 2004

Don't forget to vote in this year's Maxim Hometown Hotties contest... or at least kill a few hours looking at pictures of hot chicks.

Following up on yesterday's post, I sent this letter out:

Dear Professor Greene,
My name is also Brian Greene, although unlike you I am a 24-year-old writer for MTV. Several times over the past few years I’ve been mistakenly identified as you. I recently received the enclosed letter, which I can only assume was meant for you. Although my first reaction was to write a letter expressing my surprise that anyone would have the audacity to question the teachings of someone who shared my name, I instead decided to forward it along to you.
Maybe our paths will actually cross one day. Until then, I will continue to direct all inquiries meant for you in your direction, and I hope you will return the favor should anyone mistakenly ask you questions about the impact of American Idol on the downfall of popular music.
Brian Greene

Thursday, July 29, 2004

I recently received a letter in the mail for Dr. Brian Greene, saying how much the sender enjoyed the recent discussion of my new book but that one of my explainations bothered him and to please look over the enclosed pages that are the result of his "kicking it around since then." So to clear up any confusion:
1) I am not Professor Brian Greene, the Superstring Theorist from Columbia University.
2) If you're going to confuse me with him, do not try to show me up with your hair-brained schemes and theories. I'm much smarter than you and know much more about physics than you ever will. When in doubt, remember that I'm right and you're wrong.

P.S. For more information on my (meaning me, not superstring theorist) dealings with crazy Brian Greene (meaning superstring theorist, not me) fanatics, refer to the entries on March 19 & 20.

Wednesday, July 28, 2004

Fun With Puns
Fantasy football season is rapidly approaching, and here's a lit of names that are being considered by owners in my league:
*Quddus Staley
*Salt n Culpeppa'
Vick's Vapor Rub
*Clinton Portisheads
The Tiki Barber Shop
Honk If You're Joe Horny
The Free Masons
Steve Smith and Wesson
Carlos Santana Moss
*Lavernius and Shirley
Brooks Brothers
Price is Right
*CC Pennington
Eat Your Wheatleys
The Quentin Griffin-dors
*It's Not A. Toomer
The Porter House
The Bathroom Stallworth
The Cockey Shockeys
Fountains Of Reggie Wayne
I Bettis You Will
Fried Rice
Plummer's Crack
She Bledsoe Much
Mili Vanilli
Warner About the Rash
Palmer Ass
Kids In The Dante Hall
The Dominic Rhodes Scholars
*Taking It To Tai Streets
Hambrick Oven Pizza
Zereoue To 60
The Touchie Feeleys
*Fiedler on The Roof
Monty Pathon's Flying Circus
*The Wizard of Az-Zahir Hakim

(Names with an asterisk are my personal favorites)
My current team name: See Me, Feeley (although it's subject to change)

Last night I was having dinner with VJ Damien and Sr. Writer Joel at Popeye's on 49th St. As we're eating, I notice a man (African-American, probably late-20s, almost certainly not homeless) at another table, with no food in front of him, asleep ... and I mean deep sleep, with drool dripping from his lip to his t-shirt. A Popeye's janitor approaches the table and starts banging on it, yelling "No sleep!" but the guy doesn't stir. After about 20 seconds, the guy finally wakes up. "Get out! No sleep!" the janitor continues. The sleepy man looks outside, sees that it's pouring, and doesn't get up. Another, slightly older customer sitting a few seats away starts yelling at the janitor, "If the man wants to sleep, let him sleep!" The janitor eventually walks away, at which point the older man joins the sleepy guy at his table. "He can't tell you not to sleep if you want to sleep," he reassures sleepy guy.
At which point Damien chimes in, "I'm sure the janitor's just jealous... he probably wants to sleep. too." The older man says, "Nah, he's just jealous because he ain't got a good education and a good job. That's why he's jealous." At which point I laughed so hard I almost shot mashed potatoes out of my nose.

P.S. As we're leaving, Damien is asked to pose in a photo with two teenage girls. While waiting for their mom to shoot the photo, one of them asks Damien, "So you're just here eating Popeye's?" He replies, "Yup. It looks like we've got something in common... we both like great deals on chicken!"

It's Over... Elapsed Time: 12 Days, 5 Hours
My Duff crush has officially crashed and burned. Last night I was reading her concert review in the New York Times, which concluded with this line:
She's so relentlessly positive that when she delivered the Who's "My Generation" as a final encore, she altered a crucial line to sing, "Hope I don't die before I get old."

Tuesday, July 27, 2004

I was at Pioneer (the place to buy beer in Manhattan) when I noticed a six-pack of He'Brew: The Chosen Beer - Messiah Bold. Could this be a joke? A trip to the website does little to answer the question... however, next time I shop there, I'll be sure to buy some (I would've gotten it last night, but PBR was on sale).

Monday, July 26, 2004

I'm Excused Because I'm White... Very White
Conversation among me, our senior writer Joel, and VJ's Damien and Vanessa, regarding today's surprise guests, Terror Squad:
Me - So I just wanna make sure... the other members are Remy, Big Pun, Geddy, and Tony Sunshine, right?
Joel - Um, Big Pun's dead.
Damien - Yeah, he's dead.
Me - He is?
Vanessa - Yeah, Big Pun's dead.
Joel - You didn't know that?
Me - How would I know that? Look at me!
Damien - The only reason that I'm not more upset with you is because you're wearing that shirt.*
(The three of them laugh as I slink out of the room)

*Editor's note: The shirt is a long-sleeved collared Penn shirt that has been cut to 3/4 sleeves because the shirt had shrunk and made the cuffs too tight on my wrists. I know it's ugly, but it's comfortable...

Sports Events That Bothered Me This Weekend
1) The Yankees / Red Sox brawl on Saturday. Jason Varitek is a pussy for not having the guts to take off his catcher's mask during the fight. Schilling is a douche for saying that A-rod started the fight when Varitek through the first punch. The Red Sox are pansies for beaning A-rod and blaming the Yankees for initiating the brawl, and for celebrating after that win which put them 8 1/2 games out of first. The Yankees will look back on this game and laugh when the Red Sox are sitting at home in October.
2) Rob Dibble on Saturday's Baseball Tonight. He applauded the fight, saying that the first game was "flat" (an 8-7 come-from-behind victory is flat?) and that fighting is good for the game because it gets players fired up. Um, no, it causes injuries (see Varitek, Sturtze), slows down the game, and causes players to lose focus. Rob, stop encouraging fights and stop talking out of your ass.
3) Ricky Williams retiring. Thanks for screwing the Dolphins, not just for this year but probably for years to come. You couldn't have announced your plans at the beginning of the week so the team could've gone after Eddie George or even Antwoine Smith? What a selfish prick. You're lucky you shaved off your dreads, otherwise people in Florida would've strung you up by them. Go travel the world and never come back.
4) Lance Armstrong's 6th consecutive win. Am I the only one who thinks this gets less exciting every year? It's not even competitive anymore. Anyone who didn't expect him to win is a liar or a moron. Even the Bulls took a couple years off in the middle of their 6 titles to get fans excited about other teams and build drama about whether the Bulls could reclaim the title. You have nothing else to prove... please stop now and give someone else a chance.

Don't you have it when you go to bed and fall asleep but then wake up like 50 minutes later feeling totally refreshed so that you toss and turn for like the next 2 1/2 hours and then after you finally fall back to sleep you wake up the next morning feeling tired? 

I do.

Friday, July 23, 2004

I don't even know how to describe this. So just watch it.

Two quick movie notes for this weekend:
1) Napoleon Dynamite has added a new 5-minute ending. The film didn't need anything extra to convince me to see it again, so this is just an added bonus.
2) Troma's new masterpiece Tales from the Crapper has its New York premiere on Saturday. If you're a glutton for punishment, check it out.

Thursday, July 22, 2004

This article is hilarious... I would love for "The Ziering," or just "Ziering," to become a commonly-used expression, like a synonym for failure. "Man, did you read Brian's blog today? That guy is such a Ziering."

How the "Mighty" Have Fallen
Conversation backstage during yesterday's show:
Quddus - "So have you ever been on the show before?"
Matt Damon - "Yeah, when the first Bourne came out, but Carson was here."
Quddus - "Oh, cool."
Matt Damon - "What is Carson up to these days?"
Quddus - "He's got his own late-night show."
Matt Damon - "Oh really? I had no idea..."

Wednesday, July 21, 2004

In the Writers' Pit, watching VH1 Classic. Ready for the World's "Oh Sheila" comes on. Female co-worker sitting next to me asks, "Why is it that I never noticed these guys were mad-gay?"

Tuesday, July 20, 2004

Saw Metallica: Some Kind of Monster over the weekend.  It's a very well-made documentary, if a little on the long side (almost 2 1/2 hours), and I recommend to everyone, whether or not you're a Metallica fan, if only to see how badly Kirk Hammett is such the little bitch of the band.  James Hetfield and Lars Ulrich constantly talk about how the two of them are the entire creative force behind the band, never giving any credit whatsoever to Kirk.  Even in the therapy sessions, Kirk never contributes anything of consequence... he merely responds to the arguments between everyone else by shaking his head or laughing awkwardly.  I don't really feel bad for the guy... he is worth tens of millions of dollars as part of one of the biggest band in history, but really... it's pretty sad (or funny, depending on how you look at it).

TRL VJ Damien barged into the writers' pit the other day asking why I never told him about my appearance on Letterman in which I sat in a van making fun of people with a bullhorn. I asked him how he could've possibly known about that, and apparently the clip is on Letterman's website. I'll provide the link to the archives, but will not tell you which one is the actual clip. If you really want to see it... happy hunting!

A CNN report today on Napoleon Dynamite referred to him as Nappy D. That is wrong on so many levels.

Monday, July 19, 2004

Few people are bigger 80s fans than I am (I'm sporting my Cure "Love Song" t-shirt as I post), but this is a little ridiculous...

Friday, July 16, 2004

So as much as I hate to admit it, I now have a crush on Hilary Duff.
"But Brian," you may say, "she's only 16! And her movies are terrible! And her music is even worse! And she's about as smart as a bowl of oatmeal!"
Yes, these are all valid points. But she came on the show yesterday, walking in and looking all adorable, and laughed at the jokes I suggested for her when prepping her, and cursed a few times to show that she's not as goody-goody as her image suggested, and told our audience that she's single, and all of a sudden... BAM! Crush.
I know it sucks and makes me a loser, but I can't help it. Sigh.

Thursday, July 15, 2004

Went to Prince's Afterparty at B.B. King's last night... got there just before 1am, and the place was packed. Prince and the band were in a roped-off VIP section, and one of the worst DJs I've ever heard was spinning on stage. Sometime after 2:30 they started showing footage from that night's concert (which I heard had The Time as an opening act), and Prince, his bandmates, and Sheila E. (who also made a surprise appearance during the concert) took turns waving to the crowd. No performance, however, and I left when the crowd started booing the DJ and chanting "We want Prince" after Prince had left.
One surprise... the crowd went CRAZY when the DJ played Wham's "Everything She Wants," cheering louder than the previous song, Prince's "Take Me With U." Never would've expected that to happen at a Prince party.

Quick Thoughts on the Emmy Nominations:
- I like John Ritter as much as the next guy, but his posthumous nomination is not deserved at all and bumped out Jason Bateman.
- In the same category, Larry David can't act at all... and he's nominated while Cheryl Hines isn't? Bah.
- Why does Will and Grace (and Sean Hayes) get so many nominations? The show (and he) is terrible! Bump it for Scrubs... or South Park.
- Congrats to Brad Dourif for Deadwood. I hope he wins.

Wednesday, July 14, 2004

Prince 7/13 MSG Concert Review
Last night's concert was at once one of the best and most frustrating concerts I've ever attended. As far as the actual show, it was incredible. Prince is an amazing performer, his band was tight (especially drummer John Blackwell, who was one of the best I've ever seen, and Maceo Parker on sax), and the energy was unfaltering for more than 2 1/2 hours. He played almost all of his hits and a wide array of lesser-known songs from his "Vault." He was in a great mood and joked a lot with the crowd, who went absolutely NUTS for him. I've never heard it so loud before... at one point Prince got all 20,000 people to jump at the same time, and lemme tell you, the place SHOOK. The downside to the show was that in order to get through so many hits, he only played about 10% of the songs in their entirety. Instead we got 2 verses of "Let's Go Crazy," 1 verse (no chorus) of "When Doves Cry," 2 verses of "7," etc. And while I know playing songs to completion would've shortened the setlist considerably, a lot of the show ended up being one big tease. Nevertheless, it was a terrific concert, and I'm going to tonight's Afterparty at B.B. King's on the off-chance that he performs. Chances are I'll stay there until 3am and be S.O.O.L., but we'll see...

Here's an almost-complete setlist, pulled from
Let's Go Crazy
I Would Die 4 U
When Doves Cry
Baby I'm A Star
D.M.S.R./Crazy in Love
I Feel 4 U
A Love Bizarre (full version with singing)
Georgia on My Mind (Maceo lead vocals)
Acoustic set
-Little Red Corvette
-Telemarketer Blues
-On the Couch
-Sweet Thing
Sign O' The Times
Whole Lotta Love
Let's Work
U Got The Look
Life O' The Party
Knock On Wood (Chance lead vocals)
Take Me With U
Call My Name
Purple Rain

Wow... this woman's life gets so bad that she decides to commit suicide, then she screws that up. Where does one go from there?

Tuesday, July 13, 2004

I Never Thought I'd Say These Words, But...
I agree with Andy Dick. He was on TRL yesterday, and when a fan asked him what celebrity makes him laugh, he answered Bob Odenkirk and Napoleon Dynamite. I couldn't have chosen any better... except maybe to add Sarah Silverman.

If this really was posted from the Chaser tablet girl, and you happen to come back here, I have a few questions for you:
- You say it works "if you take enough." How much is enough? If it's like 1 per drink, then it's definitely not worth it.
- If you know how well it works, I assume you use it... do they give you a lifetime supply for being their spokeswoman?
- How did you and your co-star keep straight faces while delivering those lines?
- How on earth did you find my blog?

Friday, July 09, 2004

If any of you were dying for a comprehensive list of websites for your favorite Real World and Road Rules cast members, here it is. It also tells who will be involved in the next RW/RR Challenge, a battle of the sexes... how exciting!

So Police Academy 8 is in the works? How can this possibly be a good idea? David Graf, who played Tackleberry, passed away 3 years ago, and oh yeah, the series hasn't been funny since Steve Guttenberg jumped ship (or rather flew away in a hot air balloon with Sharon Stone) after Part 4 in 1987... and even that is being generous. But I guess they'll do anything to make a buck...

Congratulations to Paul London, who as of last night is the new WWE tag-team champion. I'm good friends with his older brother Jonathan, and Paul and I appeared in Jonny's little-seen (and hopefully it'll stay that way) student horror film, Spores (I played an alien who gets killed when somebody flicks a quarter into my forehead... maybe my finest hour). Paul's been working hard at wrestling for several years, and I couldn't be happier for him. Keep kicking ass with your patented London Calling, Paul!

Thursday, July 08, 2004

Why Old People Suck, Reason #413
I was standing on 75th St. waiting for a broker to show me an apartment, when across the street I see a guy walking a black lab. He is talking on his cell phone with one hand, and the other hand is covered with a plastic bag to dispose of the dog shit. The dog does its business, but the guy is still talking on his phone and doesn't it up immediately (although he is standing right next to it). An old woman comes out of her apartment building, sees the shit, and yells at the guy "You need to pick that up."
The guy responds, "I will, I just need to finish this call."
"Pick up the dog's business!" the woman says right back.
"As soon as I'm off the phone," the guy replies, more tersely.
"You have to pick that up!" she says again.
The guy tells the person on the line that he'll call back, then starts explaining to the woman that he was planning to, but he was on the phone and didn't want to risk dropping the phone into the shit.
"But you have to pick up after your dog," the woman says. "It's the law!"
"Why couldn't it wait until I was off the phone?" the guy asks.
"Because you have to pick up after your dog!" she answers.
"You know what? Screw you, lady!" the guy says. "Why don't you pick up the shit yourself!" He then storms away, leaving the shit on the sidewalk. The woman stands staring at the shit for several moments, then storms back inside.

Wednesday, July 07, 2004

After reading this story, I've decided that if I ever start a band, I will name it Fuck for Forest.

This Lego-Spiderman thing is pretty cool, but some people have WAY too much free time.

Had the following e-mail exchange with my friend earlier today:
Him: I need to find an apt...I want to live w/o a roommate so if anyone knows of anything please let me know.
Me: I'm in the same boat... apartment hunting sucks. What neighborhood you looking in?
Him: All neighborhoods south of 80th street and in manhattan. i hate it.
Me: Eric Douglas's apartment is available now...
Him: I don't know who that is. Where is the apt? How much?
Me: Um, that's Michael Douglas's brother who was just found dead of an overdose there yesterday... it's 10 W 29th St., but probably out of your price range. And this joke isn't funny having to explain it to you.
Him: great location though

More from the TRL Graveyard
Rejected introduction for Wimbledon champion Maria Sharapova: "Our first guest is the best thing on grass since Snoop Dogg."

Tuesday, July 06, 2004

Brian Wilson was interviewed in Sunday's New York Times Magazine. It's probably the shortest, saddest interview I've ever read in there.

Add another line to the list of NY Post's journalistic coups...

Last Friday, Kanye West's video "Jesus Walks" fell from #7 to #10 on the TRL countdown. The following lines were rejected from my script to describe its plummet:
- Getting crucified by voters.
- If the Jews hadn’t killed Jesus, then hearing that song would have.
- Stick the Lance of Longinus in its side, cause that video is dead.
- Getting scourged by voters.
- That video is bleeding votes from its palms and feet.

Damn politically-correct show...

Friday, July 02, 2004

R.I.P., Marlon Brando
They claim that cause of death has been undetermined... but I think that being an 80-year-old, obese, insane coke-head is enough of a cause.
To find out more about whether your favorite celebrities are alive or dead, please consult this website.

Thursday, July 01, 2004

Yes, I Watch Simple Life 2
And I noticed in last night's episode that Paris was reading the issue of Maxim with, guess who, Paris Hilton on the cover. This is a couple days after an article with a photo showing Paris holding a copy of 1 Night in Paris. She just can't get enough of herself, can she?

Interesting list on the 100 Greatest Albums of the 70s, although the writers have somewhat of a hard-on for Brian Eno.