Thursday, September 07, 2006

For no real reason whatsoever, I've decided to put together a list of 10 celebrities that I wish I could remove any trace of fame from. And not just make them unfamous now... I mean take away the fact that they were ever famous. Erase everything they've ever done. I put them in no particular order, with the exception of the first name:

-Diddy: He has been at the top of my most-hated list for years. It boggles my mind he got as big as he is. As a rapper, all he does is take well-known riffs and go "ugh" and "ah" over them. He's the most unabashed shiller I've ever seen... whenever he comes to TRL, the staff places fake bets on how many times he'll say "in stores now" or hold up the CD he's promoting (the pinnacle of this is when he came to promote his role in Raisin in the Sun on Broadway, and because he was so used to saying it all the time, he said that the play "was in stores now"). He also is ridiculously frivolous with money, which I guess is his prerogative but still annoying when he uses it to rent penguins to roam around his parties, and I hate that he hires people to do stupid shit for him, such as his umbrella-butler Farnsworth and his more-recent question-answerer and drink butler at this year's VMA's.
-Fred Durst: I used to imagine that if I had lots of money, I would offer him a million dollars to record an album without a single curse word, just to see if he could do it (I doubt he could, given his average of a curse every 4.6 words). Now I realize that's a stupid idea, because I wouldn't want him to have another penny. Fortunately the world seems to have moved well past Limp Bizkit... let's hope it stays that way. (And I just found out that apparently
he has herpes - thanks Lindsay)
-Ben Affleck: I once read a review, I think it was of Chasing Amy, which described Ben mouth-breathing his way through the role and wondering if he could ever close his trap. Funny observation. But an even better observation is that the only emotion he can ever portray with any accuracy is smugness, probably because he exudes so much smugness in real life. He's a pompous, arrogant jerk. And how does he still get work? Look at his
resume... bomb after bomb after bomb. (update: was just forwarded this... yet another reason to dislike him)
-Spike Lee: I have no problem with people expressing their opinions. But Spike does his with such venom, no matter what he's trying to say, that you could care less about his point because you have such a problem with his delivery. And when he argues, he never lets other people express their opinions, or at least never acknowledges them. A few weeks ago there was an
article in New York Magazine in which he ranted that we haven't addressed slavery in this country... that kids should know that George Washington owned slaves. Since when are we hiding that fact? I know I learned that in school. But that's besides the point. Is teaching that more important than teaching about the battles he fought or his becoming the first president? Believe me, I don't want to take anything away from the issue of slavery. But what good will it do to make the focal point of all important historical figures who owned slaves the fact that they owned slaves? Yes, make it part of the lesson, but not the only lesson. (I know I'm not explaining myself properly here, and I hope I'm not offending anyone. If you take one thing away from this paragraph, it's that I hate Spike Lee.)
-Sammy Sosa: He's not as big an asshole as Barry Bonds, and has never technically been connected to steroids. But come on... is there any doubt? And at least Bonds showed amazing talent before he started taking steroids. Before Sosa did, he was a puny nothing. Suddenly he hits 60+ homers in 3 out of 4 seasons? I call bullshit. He's also one of the biggest offenders of admiring his homers after he hits them. Run the fucking basepaths, then celebrate once you've crossed home plate.
-J-Lo: She can't sing, can't act, has no personality. And yet she's the ultimate diva. How did that happen?
-Rob Schneider: His "making copies" SNL character was moderately funny... the first time you saw it. After that, I can't think of a single thing he's ever done that has made me laugh (okay, 1 thing: in Big Daddy, when his deliveryman is learning to read and, when he sees "hippopotamus," says "hip... hip-hop... hip-hop anonymous." Although it doesn't seem so funny as I'm writing this). In the U.S. version of Men Behaving Badly, he even made Ron Eldard (star of such side-splitting films as Black Hawk Down, House of Sand and Fog, and Sleepers) seem like a comic genius. His movies aren't just bad... they're some of the worst ever made (my co-worker claims that Benchwarmers is the worst movie he's ever seen). And way to use Mel Gibson's anti-Semetic rant to bring attention to yourself by saying you'll never work with him. Yeah, in your dreams, Deuce.
-Britney Spears: I know this is sort of cliched, but seriously, what is she contributing to the entertainment industry at this point (or to society in general, for that matter)? Not only that, but strip away her celebrity and you get rid of K-Fed too. May as well kill 2 birds with 1 stone.
-Chris Martin: I hate Dave Matthews's voice. Always have. Chris Martin sounds just like him. But I chose Chris over Dave because Chris named his kids Apple and Moses. What's next: Maxwell House? (thanks Seinfeld)
-Joe Simpson: Ashley is bad. Jessica is worse. But Joe takes the cake, if for no other reason than that Rolling Stone article from a few years ago when he discussed Jessica's album, which came out right around 9/11, and said (and this is paraphrased, but only slightly) "When the terrorists crashed the planes, they did more than destroy those buildings; they almost destroyed Jessica's career." He's a creepy slimeball (stop talking about your daughters' breasts!!!), he whines when things don't go his way, and in addition to his daughter, he pushed Ryan Cabrera into the music world. And please stop frosting your tips... you look ridiculous!

Thanks for letting me get all this off my chest. I feel much better now.


Tommy Himself said...

Um... Paris Hilton?

Brian said...

She's #11.

Anonymous said...

no, you didn't explain yourself very well concerning your dislike for Spike Lee....