Thursday, May 10, 2007

This Paris Hilton petition has got to be one of the stupidest things I have ever seen. I know she didn't write it, but her support of it is just as bad. Does she honestly think that the Governor of California (even if he is the Terminator) has nothing better to do with his time? Does she really think that she's above the law because she brings "beauty and excitement" to the world? Does she seriously not know how to spell "sign"?
Interestingly enough, she's not the only one with this bright idea. I've uncovered a petition from recently-arrested Tom Sizemore, and I think he makes a pretty good case, or at least a better one than Paris's does. Check it out:

To: The Honorable Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger
I am writing to you in the hope that you will pardon my recent arrest. While I realize that I have yet to be tried, let alone convicted, on this violation of my parole, I figured a preemptive strike would be wise, especially to capitalize on the timing of Paris's petition. I feel that if you were to pardon anyone, it should be me, not her. Here are my reasons:
- Both Paris and I have sex tapes, but hers was shot using that annoying night-vision camera, while mine was shot using hidden cameras throughout my house. Much cooler, in my mind.
- I'm a much better actor than she is. I mean, come on... did you see House of Wax? Compare that to Saving Private Ryan. Or Heat. Or Natural Born Killers. Or even The Relic. No contest.
- Her petition doesn't even ask to be pardoned for the right crime. She's going to jail not for DUI, but for driving with a suspended license. I know what I was arrested for: drug possession. That doesn't excuse it, but at least I know what to cop up to.
- Guys have it much tougher in jail than women do. I've seen Oz. I know about the ass-rape. And while I may be a sex addict, that's not so appealing to me.
- I'm still good friends with Heidi Fleiss. You do me a solid, I do you a solid, if you know what I mean...
- Paris's petition compares her to Richard Nixon. Come on, I look much more like Nixon than she does.
- I once banged Paris. This isn't really relevant... just thought you might like to know. High five!
- And finally, bros before hos, am I right?
This petition is to ask Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger to pardon me for my mistake. Please allow me to return to my career and life, at least what's left of it. Everyone makes mistakes; mine would be Pearl Harbor. Please find it in your heart to be lenient to a sad old VH1 reality star.
Please sign the petition below.

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