Time to talk about porn. Specifically, Mary Carey (of Porn Star for Governor fame). Seems she will be co-hosting a new reality show, "Can YOU Be a Pornstar?"

First of all, I went to high school with Mary Carey. She rode my bus. She was no porn star back then. In fact, the total opposite. She was very innocent and sweet. Totally annoying, but sweet. Big doe eyes. Huge smile. Stick figure. I nicknamed her Fievel because she reminded me of the mouse from "An American Tail." Took ballet.

These days, her big doe eyes are no match for her big doughey boobs. Her huge smile reveals the pleasure of having the biggest dildo I've ever seen rammed into every orifice. And the ballet thing is now funny thanks to a yearbook photo of her doing a standing split, holding one foot high over her head, with the caption "Mary demonstrates vertical lineage (and her trademark smile) as ____ observes carefully." By the way, I don't know the _____ standing next to her, but she looks even more innocent than Mary did... I wonder if she's in therapy these days. Or doing films with Mary. I wouldn't know, since I don't watch them... cough cough...

My high school has produced a few fairly famous people. Billionaire former owner of Blockbuster Video and the Florida Marlins Wayne Huizenga, Emmy winner and former addict Kelsey Grammer, Tony winner Jayne Atkinson, the kid who played Weasel (the replacement Screech) on "Saved By the Bell: The New Class" until he got booted off after one season so that original Screech could return, and, of course, yours truly... cough cough... but now Mary Carey has exceeded them all. And how has this well-established, respected private school responded? Basically, it disowned her.

For shame, I say. Embrace Mary Carey. If given the opportunity, I sure would.