The Oscars finally ended about half an hour ago, and damn, were they boring! Regardless, here's my show diary...

8:00: Apparently the pre-show starts now, not the actual show… already this fucks up my Oscar pool, since our tiebreaker question is “What time will the show end?” I put 11:28… I should’ve put 11:58. Thankfully it’s the 76th annual show, which isn’t a multiple of 5, so we won’t have to put up with stupid retrospectives… or will we?

8:29: I’ve watched about 5 minutes of pre-show, and this Billy guy inside the auditorium has made the following people terribly uncomfortable: Alec Baldwin, Sandra Bullock, Ben Kingsley, Renee Zellweger, Nicole Kidman, Johnny Depp,and Keisha Castle-Hughes. Where did they find this chump? The Ryan Seacrest Reject Factory?

8:30: Sean Connery opens the show saying “for more than 100 years, people have been fascinated by movies.” And for 40 years, people have been fascinated by his eyebrows… they move seemingly without purpose!

8:36: The Magic of Movie montage – decent; Billy’s impression of Jack – awful.

8:39: That joke about the differences from 13 years ago was fresh about 13 comedians ago.

8:46: Is Peter Weir married to Cheryl Hines?

8:47: Cut to Marc Shaiman blowing kisses to the camera. Wait, he’s gay?

8:51: Tim Robbins wins; I’m 1-for-1 in my pool. And he seems to have found a surefire way to avoid the orchestra cue: discuss sexual abuse. Future winners, take note.

8:53: 23 minutes in, only 1 award. At this rate I should’ve guessed 5:18am.

9:01: LOTR wins its first, Art Direction… gonna be a long night for them. And is the gray-haired guy Peter Jackson in disguise? Calm down, I’m sure you’ll be up there later in the night.

9:02: Peter Jackson is so fat, he can’t button the top button of his shirt or tighten his tie. Kinda sad.

9:05: Robin Williams playfully butchers the names of the Best Animated Film nominees by using a playful lisp. Way to destroy their one moment of glory.

9:06: Triplets was robbed. Take that, France… that’s for not sending troops to the Middle East!

9:07: Sounds of Oscar = Instant Replay. Who are they trying to kid?

9:11: It’s official: I’m evil… all I can think right now is “Please, Renee, trip and fall down the stairs.”

9:19: Aghdashloo looks just like Catherine Zeta-Jones. Eerie resemblance.

9:21: Renee wins, and it looks like she’s still looking for a place to store those nuts for winter. Better get a move on… it’s March already.

9:24: Tom Hanks’ entire face is sagging… it’s as if a bowling ball is dangling from his chin.

9:25: Why are they playing the Forrest Gump theme for the Bob Hope tribute? Are they implying he was a retard?

9:33: Damn, Billy Zabka didn’t win… they didn’t even show his face. Guess there will be no “Sweep the leg” jokes tonight.

9:35: The other winner looks PISSED he didn’t get to talk. That’s it… their friendship is over.

9:37: Random Baldwin (non-Alec) sighting. Was it Billy or Daniel? Does anyone really care?

9:38: Liv Tyler is going with the Lisa Loeb look, and she pulled it off BIG TIME.

9:44: The back-up singers for “Scarlet Tide” look like they could be Senators.

9:56: Yawn. This isn’t my first yawn, but it’s the first one I’ve written down. This may be the most boring Oscar ceremony I’ve ever seen.

10:01: Jennifer Garner deserves an Oscar for acting interested throughout the entire tech awards.

10:02: Crap, Jim Carrey has leukemia again.

10:05: I loved The Days of Wine & Ro and Victor / Victo; long live ake Edwards!

10:15: It’s official: Bill Murray has the best line of the night for “We were refused.”

10:20: Was the first make-up winner in the poster for Meet the Deedles?

10:21: Sandra Bullock says “You were early.” Good one.

10:28: Sean Penn is not amused by Julia Roberts. But then again, is he ever?

10:33: The guy who played the crazy vet who works at Peterman in an episode of Seinfeld is a seatfiller… he’s sitting next to Zeta-Jones. I swear (thanks to DVR for rewind & pause so I could verify that). Well, that’s one way to go to the Oscars.

10:37: Oprah: “I love a great movie.” You know, for years I’ve been telling people just how much alike Oprah and I are… then she has to go and ruin it with a crazy statement like that.

10:45: Billy Crystal just gave a great follow-up with his “tax audit” joke. He does still have some life left in him.

10:47: The President of the Academy just said “Attixus,” then said “Attixus” again. Do all Presidents have problems talking?

10:50: Holy shit, Stan Brakhage died! Oh wait, I have no idea who that is. Nevermind.

11:00: I’m glad Julianne Moore was amused by Pierce Brosnan’s editing joke… she was the only one.

11:01: How did LOTR win Best Editing? It never ended! Damn bandwagoners…

11:03: Jamie Lee Curtis’ breasts have varicose veins. Nasty.

11:16: Jack Black’s jump-and-land-in-a-kneel would’ve been much cooler had he been wearing a cape. I’m just saying…

11:18: Would a song like “Flashdance” ever get a nomination these days, let alone win?

11:22: Canada wins Best Foreign Language Film. They should’ve named the movie The Barbarian Inv-eh-sion. Get it? (There you have it, my worst joke of the night)

11:31: LOTR won Adapted Screenplay? That’s it, it’s gonna be a clean sweep. Has that ever happened before?

11:33: Tim Robbins and Susan Sarandon: Academy Award-winning couple. That’s awesome.

11:42: Time for Best Director. Please let City of God win something…

11:43: Crap.

11:44: The woman who escorts the winners offstage is HOT! And she towers over Tom Cruise.

11:46: Can we safely admit that Adrian Brody’s career is over already? And he has a weird walk… it’s like the way a Ken doll would move.

11:48: Yeah Charlize… my dad and I have been expecting this since October 1996, when we saw 2 Days in the Valley.

11:59: Best Actor this year is the TOUGHEST CATEGORY EVER!!!

12:01: Wow, Penn got a HUGE ovation. Then he says it’s pretentious to write a speech. Way to slap any winner who has ever done that. He’ll never win again.

12:05: LOTR officially sweeps everything. Yawn.

That’s the end of the most boring Oscar ceremony ever (and the most boring Oscar diary ever).