Monday, January 26, 2004

I've stolen a page from Bill Simmons and wrote a Golden Globes diary... here goes:

8:00 – Starting off the show with a Golden Globes version of “Hey Ya.” Does anybody like these things? And what happens if somebody in the lyrics is a no-show? It’d be cool to see random stock footage of Jennifer Aniston pre-nose job.
8:01 – Nicole is wearing a dress similar to J-Lo’s infamous green Oscar dress with the plunging neckline… except that Nicole’s has fabric over her torso. Is she hiding chest acne? Come on Nicole, grow some balls!
8:02 – Tom Cruise has been on camera twice, and both times he’s done that Tom Cruise full-teeth laugh. Can he do anything else?
8:04 – Tim Robbins wins Supporting Actor… already I’m 0-for-1 in predictions. I’m sure everyone is nervous his speech will be political. He likes the fact that he won so that he can start drinking, but the way he’s slurring his words it sounds like he started, oh, maybe Friday morning? He sure has come a long way from Howard the Duck.
8:07 – Anthony LaPaglia just thanked Jerry Bruckheimer. Nobody should be allowed to thank him for anything… unless it’s to thank him for traveling back in time a-la Butterfly Effect and eliminating his entire cinematic output since 1997 (except for Black Hawk Down).
8:09 – Looks like the 6 Feet Under table got stuck 6 miles from the stage. Way for the networks to stick it to HBO.
8:12 – Renee Zellweger is crying. This is her third victory here, and it’s a Golden Globe. Get a grip. Maybe she’s crying because she got punched in the face… oh no, wait, that’s just how she looks. Is it good or bad when a winner says she doesn’t want to forget anyone, takes out a list, then reads your name? Should you be happy she mentioned you or pissed off that she basically did forget you?
8:18 – Dick Clark is sitting at the Will & Grace table looking flustered and asks “Who am I talking to?” Methinks it’s time for him to retire.
8:21 – Lily Costner is young and hot… I guess Kevin is now spawning his future girlfriends.
8:24 – Time for Best TV Show, Comedy. If The Office loses, I’m screaming.
8:25 – Yeah Office! Who’s the guy in the wheelchair? They’re gonna have to do something about that microphone if he wants to talk. I’m making a bold prediction: “We used to run the world before you” is the best line of the night.
8:32 – Angels in America just won two awards. Should they even bother with these categories? I can’t imagine it will lose to anything.
8:40 – There hasn’t been a single joke in any introduction or nomination list. This patter sucks. Who writes these things? (Yes, I know this is bold to say coming from someone who’s job it is to write “Your #7 request today is_____”)
8:41 – I guess Cate Blanchett got the short straw in “Who has to announce the President of the Hollywood Foreign Press.”
8:43 – Reba? An acting nomination? Where the hell am I?
8:48 – “The star and producer of Butterly Effect, Ashton Kutcher.” Jesus.
8:50 – Although I’m glad he won, Jeffrey Wright just whipped out “I’ll share this award with you but keep it at my house.” That and “I don’t have anything prepared because I didn’t think I’d win” should be banned from all award shows.
8:58 – Diane Keaton’s acceptance speech is the worst stage reading since Quentin Tarantino performed on Broadway.
9:00 – Diane says “Shit,” followed by a second of audio dropout. Bravo, NBC censors.
9:01 – Bill Murray wins in a hugely competitive category, and gives an awesome acceptance speech. No surprise there.
9:10 – As Molly Sims walks out, cut to Jim Belushi nodding his head in approval. Yeah, I’m sure the feeling is mutual.
9:13 – Ricky Gervais wins! An Office sweep! This makes me so happy, until they now fast-track the American version and drive it into the ground like they did to Coupling.
9:21 – Gwen Stefani looks like a blonde Bride of Frankenstein.
9:32 – J-Lo is onstage. I wonder if the terms of the separation gave her the Golden Globes and Ben the Oscars. If so, she got hosed.
9:34 – Sofia Coppola isn’t much of a speaker. She should’ve written her acceptance speech and had Bill Murray read it. Can’t get enough of that guy.
9:37 – Yes, I (and every straight man in the world) thank Mary Louise Parker’s son too.
9:48 – Clint’s expression when Sharon Stone walked onstage looks like he just popped his first boner in 3 decades.
9:59 – Michael Douglas’s Lifetime Achievement Award took a lifetime to present and accept.
10:08 – Why does Elijah Wood constantly look constipated? He tries to smile but can’t quite loosen up. Someone get him a bran muffin.
10:09 – They let Brittany Murphy present? Didn’t anyone watch last year’s Independent Spirit Awards?
10:12 – She can’t pronounce “complex.” Told you so.
10:22 – What is the Dutchess of Pork doing here? Must be tough, the life of a Dutchess.
10:24 – Nicole to Clint: “You’re not Sean!” Thanks for pointing that out. Clint probably knew he would lose and Sean would win and gave one of Sean’s kids poisoned milk so he could give an acceptance speech anyway.
10:34 – Afghanistan won Best Foreign Film, marking the country’s greatest achievement since they resisted Alexander the Great in 326 BC. They could melt down the statue and use the gold to feed the entire population for weeks.
10:37 – Charlize wins! And they’re playing Journey as she heads to the stage! She’s so hot… my dad and I have been on her bandwagon since we saw 2 Days in the Valley in theaters in 1996.
10:45 – Wow, Jim Carrey bombed. And I can think of several better punchlines than Elf… Boat Trip? Kangaroo Jack?
10:52 – Nice, Leo is presenting. I’ll have sweet dreams tonight.

Overall the show was pretty tedious and poorly produced... but I actually got 5 out of 10 in my predictions, which much better than usual. Oscar nominations tomorrow morning...

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