Why are these conversations so typical?
Chinese Restaurant: Hello?
Me: I’d like to place an order for delivery.
CR: Phone number?
Me: No, 496…
CR: (sounding annoyed) What you want?
Friday, January 30, 2004
Why are these conversations so typical?
I watched the Bands Reunited episode featuring Klymaxx... damn, those girls got big! They should rename the band Thigh-Maxx! (ba dum dum)
Tommy and I have agreed to make mix CDs for each other, only using songs that are Track 5's (studio album and original soundtracks only; no greatest hits or compilations). There's a lot of pressure. Tommy's CD collection is probably 5 times bigger than mine, at least, and I'm pretty sure that he owns 90% of what I do, which means that songs that I put on his either will also be on the one that he gives me or will be songs that he rejected. I've had to eliminate some classic track 5's just because they are too obvious ("Pour Some Sugar On Me," "Mr. Brownstone," "Misty Mountain Hop"), but I hope that my search for randomness doesn't sink the entire project. I am looking forward to getting his, however...
Brian's Super Bowl pick: Carolina 17, New England 13.
MVP: Stephen Davis
Posted by Brian at 1:08 PM
Thursday, January 29, 2004
Well, the readers (er, reader) have spoken, and they want the blog to stay. Who am I to disappoint my fans (er, fan)?
After thinking I would hate it, I admit that I like the show Bands Reunited. My favorite part, by far, is when the former stars discuss their current jobs. They all have TERRIBLE jobs! Stuff like Illustrator for Aviation Safety Handbooks. You can tell they are embarrassed by it, because they try to boost their image by making their title longer than a Fiona Apple album title: "Yes, I'm in charge of quality control of plastics and plastic-type substances for use in importing and exporting circumstances." The best is when VH1 totally busts them on it... the person will say "I'm the Manager of Loss & Theft Prevention," and at the bottom of the screen the chyron (sorry for the technical term) will read "Security Guard." On rare occasions they'll cut people some slack, usually when they talk about how they still play random gigs and the chyron will say "Freelance Musician" instead of the more obvious "Unemployed." But for the most part, their cover is blown. The show itself is good, although I wish Aamer was less of an egomaniac in taking credit for everything (he's fine conducting interviews, however), and the performances are wildly inconsistent, if they happen at all (what the hell, Holly from Frankie Goes to Hollywood?), but that's part of the fun. If you haven't checked it out yet, give it a shot.
Posted by Brian at 11:35 AM
Wednesday, January 28, 2004
I will officially never get any work done ever again because of this...
So the snow hit... doesn't really seem like such a big deal. I actually love snow: the city looks so cool covered in white; you can use it as an excuse to come to work late or blow people off completely; it keeps the pigeons away from my window... plus my roommate HATES snow (and cold weather in general), so I get to annoy him with my snow chant:
I love snow
I never would've thought that 8 simple words could get him worked up, but they do, and I love it.
Lindsay(ism) wants me to post on how much I miss having her around, and since it's a slow news day, I'll appease her:
"Lindsay(ism), I miss you! Life is soooooooooooooooo boring without you here... I've resorted to playing penguin baseball for hours on end! I'm spiraling out of control... help me before I sink any lower! Only your presence in the writers' pit will cheer me up. Please come back!"
Out of curiosity, I just clicked on a random blog listed under the Most Recently Published section of Blogger and came upon this... and now I think I might have to officially take my blog down. No, not because I can't compete (although Marion's blog contains the line "I Am Funny," while mine makes no such claim... if you were a blog browser, which one would you read?), but because I hope my blog doesn't come off like this to people who don't know me. There is probably a reason why people have minds for internal thoughts and the ability to filter out what people want to hear before you say stuff. Has this blog destroyed my filter? I'm gonna have to think about this...
Oh, and that Helen girl sounds like a tool.
Posted by Brian at 1:19 PM
Tuesday, January 27, 2004
Oscar nominations out today, and for the most part, I think they did a damn fine job... City of God for Best Director (and 3 others) is HUGE... gotta like Cold Mountain getting snubbed... Benicio and Naomi got bids for 21 Grams... "A Kiss at the End of the Rainbow" for Best Song... Johnny Depp and Bill Murray both got in... I wouldn't disagree with anything, except maybe for the snub of Jennifer Connelly (girl from Whale Rider? Really?), and it would've been cool for Tim Burton to get nominated, but that's a tough category... so I won't complain. Also note my Dec. 18 post when the Globe noms came out to see how on the ball I was... not to toot my own horn...
At the other end of the spectrum, nominations for the Razzies came out yesterday, and I think they're way off. Charlie's Angels 2 was bad, but worse than Boat Trip? Or Kangaroo Jack? Please. No wonder nobody ever goes to the ceremony.
I don't even know where to begin with Aaron Boone's injury. But it's not good. Although maybe the Yanks can go after A-rod now... I did like the NY Times report describing Yankee contracts, which ban players from playing billiards, bowling, shuffleboard, and anything else you can imagine. Perhaps if all that extranious crap hadn't been in there, Boone would've paid closer attention to the basketball ban.
Posted by Brian at 1:34 PM
Monday, January 26, 2004
Lindsay(ism) just asked me, "is illustrated too big a word for MTV?" Respect for our audience has just reached an all-time low... or maybe she was referring to the employees... either way, it's pathetic.
Posted by Brian at 1:23 PM
I've stolen a page from Bill Simmons and wrote a Golden Globes diary... here goes:
8:00 – Starting off the show with a Golden Globes version of “Hey Ya.” Does anybody like these things? And what happens if somebody in the lyrics is a no-show? It’d be cool to see random stock footage of Jennifer Aniston pre-nose job.
8:01 – Nicole is wearing a dress similar to J-Lo’s infamous green Oscar dress with the plunging neckline… except that Nicole’s has fabric over her torso. Is she hiding chest acne? Come on Nicole, grow some balls!
8:02 – Tom Cruise has been on camera twice, and both times he’s done that Tom Cruise full-teeth laugh. Can he do anything else?
8:04 – Tim Robbins wins Supporting Actor… already I’m 0-for-1 in predictions. I’m sure everyone is nervous his speech will be political. He likes the fact that he won so that he can start drinking, but the way he’s slurring his words it sounds like he started, oh, maybe Friday morning? He sure has come a long way from Howard the Duck.
8:07 – Anthony LaPaglia just thanked Jerry Bruckheimer. Nobody should be allowed to thank him for anything… unless it’s to thank him for traveling back in time a-la Butterfly Effect and eliminating his entire cinematic output since 1997 (except for Black Hawk Down).
8:09 – Looks like the 6 Feet Under table got stuck 6 miles from the stage. Way for the networks to stick it to HBO.
8:12 – Renee Zellweger is crying. This is her third victory here, and it’s a Golden Globe. Get a grip. Maybe she’s crying because she got punched in the face… oh no, wait, that’s just how she looks. Is it good or bad when a winner says she doesn’t want to forget anyone, takes out a list, then reads your name? Should you be happy she mentioned you or pissed off that she basically did forget you?
8:18 – Dick Clark is sitting at the Will & Grace table looking flustered and asks “Who am I talking to?” Methinks it’s time for him to retire.
8:21 – Lily Costner is young and hot… I guess Kevin is now spawning his future girlfriends.
8:24 – Time for Best TV Show, Comedy. If The Office loses, I’m screaming.
8:25 – Yeah Office! Who’s the guy in the wheelchair? They’re gonna have to do something about that microphone if he wants to talk. I’m making a bold prediction: “We used to run the world before you” is the best line of the night.
8:32 – Angels in America just won two awards. Should they even bother with these categories? I can’t imagine it will lose to anything.
8:40 – There hasn’t been a single joke in any introduction or nomination list. This patter sucks. Who writes these things? (Yes, I know this is bold to say coming from someone who’s job it is to write “Your #7 request today is_____”)
8:41 – I guess Cate Blanchett got the short straw in “Who has to announce the President of the Hollywood Foreign Press.”
8:43 – Reba? An acting nomination? Where the hell am I?
8:48 – “The star and producer of Butterly Effect, Ashton Kutcher.” Jesus.
8:50 – Although I’m glad he won, Jeffrey Wright just whipped out “I’ll share this award with you but keep it at my house.” That and “I don’t have anything prepared because I didn’t think I’d win” should be banned from all award shows.
8:58 – Diane Keaton’s acceptance speech is the worst stage reading since Quentin Tarantino performed on Broadway.
9:00 – Diane says “Shit,” followed by a second of audio dropout. Bravo, NBC censors.
9:01 – Bill Murray wins in a hugely competitive category, and gives an awesome acceptance speech. No surprise there.
9:10 – As Molly Sims walks out, cut to Jim Belushi nodding his head in approval. Yeah, I’m sure the feeling is mutual.
9:13 – Ricky Gervais wins! An Office sweep! This makes me so happy, until they now fast-track the American version and drive it into the ground like they did to Coupling.
9:21 – Gwen Stefani looks like a blonde Bride of Frankenstein.
9:32 – J-Lo is onstage. I wonder if the terms of the separation gave her the Golden Globes and Ben the Oscars. If so, she got hosed.
9:34 – Sofia Coppola isn’t much of a speaker. She should’ve written her acceptance speech and had Bill Murray read it. Can’t get enough of that guy.
9:37 – Yes, I (and every straight man in the world) thank Mary Louise Parker’s son too.
9:48 – Clint’s expression when Sharon Stone walked onstage looks like he just popped his first boner in 3 decades.
9:59 – Michael Douglas’s Lifetime Achievement Award took a lifetime to present and accept.
10:08 – Why does Elijah Wood constantly look constipated? He tries to smile but can’t quite loosen up. Someone get him a bran muffin.
10:09 – They let Brittany Murphy present? Didn’t anyone watch last year’s Independent Spirit Awards?
10:12 – She can’t pronounce “complex.” Told you so.
10:22 – What is the Dutchess of Pork doing here? Must be tough, the life of a Dutchess.
10:24 – Nicole to Clint: “You’re not Sean!” Thanks for pointing that out. Clint probably knew he would lose and Sean would win and gave one of Sean’s kids poisoned milk so he could give an acceptance speech anyway.
10:34 – Afghanistan won Best Foreign Film, marking the country’s greatest achievement since they resisted Alexander the Great in 326 BC. They could melt down the statue and use the gold to feed the entire population for weeks.
10:37 – Charlize wins! And they’re playing Journey as she heads to the stage! She’s so hot… my dad and I have been on her bandwagon since we saw 2 Days in the Valley in theaters in 1996.
10:45 – Wow, Jim Carrey bombed. And I can think of several better punchlines than Elf… Boat Trip? Kangaroo Jack?
10:52 – Nice, Leo is presenting. I’ll have sweet dreams tonight.
Overall the show was pretty tedious and poorly produced... but I actually got 5 out of 10 in my predictions, which much better than usual. Oscar nominations tomorrow morning...
Posted by Brian at 11:19 AM
Friday, January 23, 2004
Aw yeah, Freaks & Geeks is finally coming to DVD!
Quick thoughts on who I want to win the major Golden Globes (I'm only doing movies, as I don't watch enough television to be adequately opinionated, except to say that I can't imagine any show should beat The Office):
Picture, Drama - Mystic River
Picture, Comedy - Lost in Translation
Actor, Drama - Sean Penn
Actress, Drama - Charlize Theron (where's the nomination for Jennifer Connelly?)
Actor, Comedy - Bill Murray (I would love to give it to Johnny Depp, but I just didn't like that movie at all except for him)
Actress, Comedy - Scarlett Johansson (albeit that's the only nominee I've seen in this category, but she was damn good)
Supporting Actor - Alec Baldwin (toughest category... could easily have given to Ken Watanabe)
Supporting Actress - Holly Hunter
Director - Peter Weir
Screenplay - Lost in Translation
Usually nothing I want to win ever wins, so hopefully I didn't just jinx everyone...
Posted by Brian at 11:42 AM
Thursday, January 22, 2004
Hurray! The super finally fixed my shower... the hot water has returned! It only took 5 days for him to come during a stretch where the temperature in the city never rose about freezing.
I was listening to Letters to Cleo last night, and after a decade of frustration and confusion, I finally gave in and looked up the lyrics to "Here and Now." The chorus sounds like:
"The comfort of a knowledge of the wealth above the stars
But they'll never simi-nimi-nama timi-nama-nimi-nama
Here and now."
Turns out that she actually sings:
"The comfort of a knowledge of a rise above the sky above could
never parallel the challenge of an acquisition in the
here and now."
You learn something new everyday.
Posted by Brian at 10:36 AM
Wednesday, January 21, 2004
The pseudo-West Side Story video for Toto's "Rosanna" was on VH1 Classic earlier today. I have to wonder, who would win in the battle for Ugliest Band of All-Time: Toto or REO Speedwagon? Tough call... both so hideous... although neither can hold a candle to Debora Iyall of Romeo Void, who looks like a cross between Roseanne and the World's Fattest Baby (as featured several years ago in Weekly World News)... the song "Never Say Never" (and life in general) was better before I saw her image singing "I might like you better if we slept together."
Posted by Brian at 1:58 PM
I'm sharing a room with Lindsay Robertson (of Lindsayism.com) for the day. Talk about pressure. Will she blog about me? Do I want her to? Do I have to be funny all the time in case she does? And if she doesn't, does that reflect badly on me? Am I not worthy of Lindsayism? Oh, the pressure... At least if she does write something mean, I can fire back with an embarrassing Paula Abdul story (is there any other kind of Paula Abdul story?) from Lindsay's past...
Within 10 minutes of her arrival, the four writers in our pit launched into a "You're from Florida?" "What high school did you go to?" "You went to Pine Crest?" "My friend went to St. Andrews!" "Hey, I went to St. Andrews!" conversation. Why are these talks so fascinating? I didn't actually know any of the names mentioned. Are people realy so insecure and in need of human contact? Apparently so... I guess that's why Friendster is so popular (and why I have 95 Friendsters but only like 5 actual friends).
Posted by Brian at 11:24 AM
Monday, January 19, 2004
My roommate Dave celebrated a belated Christmas with his dad, stepmom, and stepsister last night. It had been delayed due to each party's assorted travels during December, then again from its original slot last Sunday night due to a flood in the family's apartment (somehow a sink collapsed... however that happens). Dave trekked off with presents in tow around 7:30pm. When he returned at midnight, I asked him what he got. He told me that his stepsister's gift is "still in the kiln," his mom got him a CD of Tibetan monk chanting (which he assumes she bought for herself and decided she wouldn't like), and his dad "hasn't gotten anything yet." Can you say WORST CHRISTMAS EVER?!?
The hot water in our shower hasn't been working since Friday. I've resorted to showering at the gym, which I hate. There's no comfort zone, and I have to wear flip-flops (after a sarcastic conversation with my roommate in which I tell him that EVERYONE has peed in a public shower at some point actually convinced myself that it is true). The super still hasn't come to fix it, and my roommate got so desperate that he managed to unscrew the knob and cause the hot water to turn on and not shut off. Eventually we turned off the entire hot water supply to the apartment, and now desperately need our super to come ASAP. Supers work on Martin Luther King Jr. Day, right?
Because I sure as hell do... that's the one bad thing about my new job at TRL... no holidays (except for the big ones). The building is deserted, I had to sign in, the entrance closer to my subway station is locked... bah.
Finally, Panthers vs. Patriots? Could the Super Bowl be any more boring? At least nobody could've possibly predicted this at the start of the season.
Posted by Brian at 11:21 AM
Wednesday, January 14, 2004
According to this site, a Canadian newspaper listed the top ten bands that should reunite in this order:
2. Spice Girls
3. The Kinks
5. Van Halen
6. the Cure
7. the Smiths
10. Talking Heads
Spice Girls #2? Don't think so. The Cure hasn't been broken up long enough to merit such a high ranking. GnR should be MUCH higher (who in their right mind wouldn't want to see the original line-up back together). Led Zepplin has been omitted. Van Halen would be good as long as it was with Diamond Dave (not the recently-rumored Hagar version). But most distressing is the omission of Pink Floyd. Neither Roger Waters or David Gilmour has done the group justice since parting. This is just another reason why Canada sucks.
Apparently Christina Applegate is set to be on the Robert Blake jury. She's trying to get out of it, saying that her career will suffer from being stuck on the jury for five months. Correct me if I'm wrong, but this would be her most consistent gig since Married... with Children was cancelled.
This story is great. I'm sure the restaurant could've avoided all the trouble by saying, "She asked for the soup without cream." (ba dum dum)
This one is good too... besides learning to read, he'll get naptime and a refresher course on potty-training. (ba dum dum)
Posted by Brian at 2:07 PM
Tuesday, January 13, 2004
The commercial for upcoming DVD / video release Bring It On Again includes the following VO line:
"Bring It On is one of the coolest movies ever."
I guess if the standard for being one of the coolest movies is to have a direct-to-video sequel, then we should also give props to The Prophecy, Casper, and Leprechaun IV: In Space.
Posted by Brian at 5:15 PM
Went to DC over the weekend to visit some old friends from high school and had a blast... although I haven't had so much to drink (and so little sleep) in a long time. Need another weekend to recover. But I must say, the response by women down there when I tell them I write for TRL (at least after the initial disbelief) is excellent... I almost wish I lived down there, although I'd have to give up the TRL gig... damn catch-22...
Watched the DVD's of The Ben Stiller Show... and for all of the critical praise it received, and the incredible cast and writers it had, it is surprisingly uneven (although maybe it's just slightly dated). It does have some great moments, including most of episode 5 (the Melrose Heights 90210 sketch with Bob Odenkirk as the gay guy who everyone shuns because they think he's a robot is GENIUS), and the single funniest sketch is the parody of the Head & Shoulders' annoying "you've got dandruff" ads. But a lot of skits ran way too long... I can understand why it only ran 13 episodes. At least it was a starting point for a lot of great talent, especially David Cross & Judd Apatow.
Dino's "I Like It" just played on VH1 Classic... jeez.
Posted by Brian at 1:16 PM
Monday, January 12, 2004
Quick random thoughts about the San Diego cast of Real World:
1) Cheers: to see that Urkel managed to get another tv gig...
2) Cheers: to MTV for another first in reality television... a cross-eyed person.
3) Jeers: why do they even call it Real World anymore? They should just call it Sex World... the first quotes out of every single cast member had to do with wanting to get some.
Posted by Brian at 2:30 PM
Monday, January 05, 2004
Happy New Year, everyone. Hope you all enjoyed the long weekends and celebrations. Best of luck in 2004.
I’m starting a new job today at TRL, and very awkwardly, too… the girl I’m replacing apparently hasn’t been told she has been let go… she is still sitting at my desk, plugging away in her sea of ignorance. Can’t wait to see how this turns out.
New Year’s Eve… I’m talking to this girl, and after a quick exchange of backgrounds, she starts on the name game, which is successful approximately 1.3% of the time. Except that she nails it, 2 for 2: first name is a guy with whom I went to summer camp, second name is possibly my best girl friend (as opposed to girlfriend) from college. That never happens. Insane.
Watching the Packers beat the Seahawks yesterday, I was probably the only person not living in (or born in) Seattle who became even less of a Favre fan. I’ve never been crazy about him. Yes, he can put some zip on the ball and fire off some beauties once in a while. But he is also way too reliant on simply tossing the ball into the air and having his receivers reach for a jump ball. His stats are insanely bloated by this, thanks to his constantly being surrounded by incredible receivers. Kurt Warner also benefited from this, to the extent that he was ridiculously named MVP of Super Bowl XXXIV when his 80-yard TD pass that put the Rams up could just have easily been picked off and run back for a Titans touchdown. The announcers on Sunday did a decent job of pointing out Favre's habit of chucking, but I still think he gets way too much credit.
I called my grandmother to wish her a happy New Year, and she referred to Queer Eye for the Straight Guy as “Five Queers and a Man.” Gotta love her.
Finally, does it bother anybody else that, statistically speaking, all of the following musicians will be dead by the year 2025:
(* David Bowie could technically also be on this list, but for some reason I have a feeling that he will pull a Katherine Hepburn and be the coolest 98-year-old to ever exist)
I don’t want people coming back at me arguing “they could all be dead tomorrow.” Of course they could. So could I. I’m going strictly by age. Anyway, 2025 will be a sad year if none of those people are around.
Posted by Brian at 1:17 PM