Saturday, April 07, 2007

I live right down the street from the Beacon Theater, so this time of year always sucks for me, because the Allman Brothers set up shop for like 3 weeks of concerts, bringing overweight, smelly, scruffy, brain-dead, middle-aged losers out in throngs. And why? To hear songs like "Whipping Post" that ramble on foooooooreeeeeeeeeeveeeeeeeeeeeeer. To hear them live could be tolerable. On the radio, not so much. And I hear them on the radio all the time on Q1043. With 92.3 now a talk station (except on weekends), The Q is basically the only radio station I ever listen to. But for a station that plays 40-odd years of music, their playlist has become very repetitive. And there are certain artists that they show way too much love for. Therefore I have put together (in alphabetical order) the following list:

5 Artists That Should Be Banned from Classic Rock Radio
1) Jimmy Buffett: "Margaritaville." Wow, talk about a guy sustaining a career out of one song. But worse than someone like Norman Greenbaum (of "Spirit in the Sky" fame), Buffett still tours, opens Margaritaville restaurants and stores, and gets way too much airplay. Why do all frat guys love this guy? Is it really that funny to sing "Why Don't We Get Drunk (and Screw)" at the top of your lungs after doing a keg stand? And what the hell does "Cheeseburger in Paradise" mean? And why does he give his tours such lame names, such as Last Mango in Paris, Off to See the Lizard, and Fruitcakes (sigh)? Come on people, let's put your hideous Hawaiian shirts away, forget about the lost shaker of salt, and drop Buffett once and for all.
2) Peter Frampton: He's famous because of the talk box. That's all. Why else do people like him? I mean, seriously, have you seen the video on VH1 Classic for "Do You Feel Like Like We Do"? It's like the 70s version of the Blue Collar Comedy Tour. Nobody who attracts crowds like that should be famous. Also he starred in the terrible movie version of Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band and recorded a terrible cover of "Black Hole Sun." His only redeeming quality was his hilarious turn in the "Homerpalooza" episode of The Simpsons. But that's not enough to save him from this list.
3) Lynyrd Skynyrd: If I never hear "Sweet Home Alabama" or "Free Bird" again in my life, I'll die a happy man. They are without a doubt the most overplayed songs in classic rock history. Why did they pick a fight with Neil Young, a vastly superior musician, in the first place? Makes no sense. And why is it that somebody has to yell out "Free Bird" at every single arena or stadium-size concert, even if the artist performing has never ever played that song? Skynyrd has turned this country into a collection of Rubes. Oh, and the Civil War is over, so please put the Confederate flag to rest.
4) Rush: Does any singer have a more annoying voice than Geddy Lee? Dave Matthews, Chris Martin, and David Gray all come close. But nobody can touch this whining, castrato-lite screecher. Which is unfortunate, because he was backed by decent musicians. Oh, and they're Canadian. Extra negative points for that.
5) Billy Squier: All your songs sound alike. Your biggest hit ("The Stroke") was a borderline novelty song. Your video for "Rock Me Tonite," with your ripped clothes and spastic dancing, verges on copyright infringement from Flashdance. You recorded a terrible holiday song ("Christmas is the Time to Say I Love You"). For all of these reasons and more, please fade away.
Honorable Mentions: Jethro Tull, Emerson Lake & Palmer, George Thorogood, and anything recorded after 1997 (while I have no problem hearing Velvet Revolver on the radio, I think it takes at least a decade for something to be considered a "classic").

One quick side note, because I'm not sure I'll ever have a more relevant post into which I can put this thought... has anyone else ever noticed that Axl Rose sounds an awful lot like Janis Joplin? Seriously, listen to the ends of Joplin's "Me & Bobby McGee" and GnR's "My Michelle." Eerily similar.

Update: 2 quick notes:
1) I thought of someone with a more annoying voice than Geddy Lee: Macy Gray. Glaring oversight... can't believe I forgot about her.
2) Seems I already made the Axl / Janis comparison. But it was way back in the infancy of LSTT. I'm allowed to repeat myself every 3 1/2 years, right? 24 has resorted to repetition... why not me?


DoctorJones said...

I guess you also hate Bernie Williams now too...

Anonymous said...

Why do you listen to Q104.3. First off you should be listening to sirius or XM but if you do listen to old time radio you should at least just listen to Jack FM which I think is 101.1. It's WAY better than the Q.

Brian said...

I don't mind Jack... I'll flip to it occasionally. But there's too great a risk of a song from DMB. Or Coldplay. Or David Gray. Or Macy Gray. Or Third Eye Blind. Or Creed. Or too many other terrible bands to name.

Charles said...

Why did they pick a fight with Neil Young, a vastly superior musician, in the first place?

They didn't pick the fight, exactly. I fall on the Neil Young side of this debate (musically and politically) but the line in SHA is a response to Neil Young's "Southern Man" and "Alabama."