Oscars Crash and Burn
Just finishing an Oscar telecast that was painfully unsurprising until the Academy lost its mind and gave Best Picture to the least-deserving winner since Shakespeare in Love. At 77%, Crash has the lowest Rotten Tomatoes freshness rating out of the 5 nominees. Still trying to get over the shock.
Anyway, here are some of my random thoughts from the night…

8:00: During a bizarre computer-simulated trip through Hollywood past and present, my roommate says, “Oh good Lord, who came up with this?” Several seconds later, he adds, “This has got to be one of the most uninteresting and stupid things ever.” My sentiments exactly. Not the start I hoped for.

8:03: Based on his performance with Halle Berry in the opening sketch, I’m positive I just witnessed the last time Jon Stewart will act opposite an Oscar winner.

8:06: Referring to the Hollywood stars in the audience mostly being Democrats, Stewart gets off his first great line of the night: “This will be the first time many of you have voted for a winner.”

8:07: We’re informed that the theme of the night is Return to Glamour. The Oscars have themes now? Why isn’t the theme Best Movies of 2005? Oh, right, because Crash is nominated for Best Picture.

8:08: I see that they’ve seated Jack Nicholson next to Keira Knightley. Does he really need the extra help to score with another beautiful actress? Come on, make him put in a little effort.

8:13: The montage of gay scenes in Westerns is very well done. No joke here.

8:17: If Matt Dillon wins, I sure hope he’s wearing his fake teeth from There’s Something About Mary during his speech.

8:19: First award, no surprise here: Clooney. He gives a great speech, but I’m not liking the music playing underneath. I hope this is a mistake that won’t continue throughout the night.

8:21: A GM commercial is using the song “AM Radio.” Which means the members of Everclear will receive a paycheck for the first time since 2000.

8:25: Tom Hanks is still sporting his Meat Loaf haircut. And now he’s doing terrible “comedy” bits with the Academy orchestra. Meat Loaf was funnier in Fight Club.

8:26: Ben Stiller comes out and does his green-screen gag, which goes on way too long. It seems that the theme of the night is actually Jokes Falling Flat.

8:30: Of his green leotard, Stewart remarks that it’s “good to have proof he’s Jewish.” Would the reaction have been the same if last year Chris Rock made the joke that he has proof that a leotarded Eddie Murphy is black? Not that Eddie Murphy would ever stoop so low… he still has some dignity.

8:32: Tim Burton does not seem amused by the Wallace & Gromit clip. I wasn’t very amused by the movie either.

8:33: None of the people shown in the shot are Peter Sallis, the voice of Wallace. Nice going, producers of the telecast.

8:35: Dolly Parton is performing. When asked, my roommate says he would not have sex with her. But yesterday his mom and his ex-girlfriend both told me that my roommate is into girls with big breasts. Yes, I have to deal with these types of conversations regularly.

8:42: Stewart uses the Baldwins as the punchline for his “2 very talented brothers” joke. I’d have gone with “Sam Jackson and Morgan Freeman,” just to see if they'd rush the stage to kick the crap out of me.

8:50: The winner of Best Costume Design thanks Sony for “being brave enough to make a movie about a woman.” I’m sure the studios behind Domino, Dirty Love, Dark Water, Aeon Flux, and Elektra wish they had chickened out.

8:53: Will Jesus Christ be in this montage of prominent people portrayed on film? And if so, will he be from The Passion of the Christ, The Last Temptation of Christ, or Jesus Christ Superstar? We'll never know, since unsurprisngly he doesn't make the cut.

8:58: The comedy torch as been officially passed from Will Ferrell to Steve Carell. And I’m glad.

9:04: Best Supporting Actress, toughest category of the night. Man I hope it goes to Amy Adams or Michelle Williams.

9:06: Damn, it does not. It goes to Rachel Weisz, who I thought was decent in an underwhelming movie. No upsets yet.

9:12: Lauren Bacall is bombing worse than the assassins in Munich (ba dum dum - thank you, I'll be here all night). To make it even more painful, it’s to introduce a completely unnecessary tribute to Film Noir. This would be like Tom Brady blowing out his arm demonstrating how to throw during a halftime Punt, Pass & Kick contest.

9:16: The fake Best Actress campaign ads are genius. Describing the nominees’ names as “crazy letters that make no sense” gets my biggest laugh of the night so far.

9:20: Is Best Documentary Short nominee Mushroom Club anything like The Breakfast Club? After the bomb goes off, does someone barge demanding an explanation for the ruckus? Jeez, I must be bored.

9:21: The winner of Best Documentary Short just thanked the Academy for seating her next to Clooney at the Award Lunch. Cut to a reaction shot of Clooney. I bet he banged her. He probably didn’t want to, but did it anyway. Just working his way through all of Hollywood.

9:22: My favorite doc, Murderball, loses to March of the Penguins. I hope security thoroughly searched those stuffed animal penguins for weapons. We all know how much the French hate the U.S. Actually, it seems they’re trying to hurt us with their attempts at humor. If they truly think they’re being funny, it’s no wonder Jerry Lewis is their God.

9:25: The performance of Crash’s song “In the Deep” has turned into R. Kelly’s “Trapped in the Oscars.” It’s like watching Dawn of the Dead set to a sappy ballad. Utterly creepy.

9:28: The Diet Coke commercial where the woman spontaneously gets a man’s haircut is on. Except they’ve replaced the music. It used to be “Goody 2 Shoes.” Now it’s not. I can’t believe they figured our a way to make that ad worse. But it least they don't call their drink "brown and bubbly."

9:37: The award for Best In-Joke by the Oscar Telecast goes to the person who put The Day After Tomorrow into the montage about movies that changed the world. Bravo!

9:40: Yes, it’s the time we’ve all been waiting for… the pee break! I mean, the President of the Academy!

9:55: I want at least the last 34 minutes of my life back.

9:57: If there’s no place to see epics except on the big screen, then why are they paying tribute to them on the small screen? And who decreed The Fifth Element an epic? This show makes no sense!

10:00: Jon Stewart cracks that there will soon be a tribute to montages. I assume he’s kidding, but given the past 2 hours I can’t be sure.

10:09: After an entertaining back-and-forth between Lily Tomlin and Meryl Streep and a montage of Robert Altman’s films, my roommate asks “Is [Altman] dead?” “No,” I reply. Then when I see Altman step forward, I change my answer to “Well, maybe.”

10:12: Who knew that the real Kramer is part of Altman’s family? (This observation would work better if I could find a picture of Altman’s family, but I cannot)

10:19: Three 6 Mafia is performing “Trapped in the Oscars, Chapter 2.”

10:24: “Hard Out Here for a Pimp” wins best song. Finally an upset!

10:27: Jennifer Garner tripping during her entrance would’ve redeemed this show. Alas, she regains her footing. I can’t catch a break.

10:33: Holy crap! One of the In Memoriam guys, Robert Schiffer, did make-up on both Wizard of Oz and Splash. His career is almost as long as this show feels.

10:38: When Will Smith comes out, I realize that the stars of the following TV shows have either won or been nominated for Oscars: Fresh Prince of Bel Air, Facts of Life, Welcome Back Kotter, and Dawson’s Creek. That blows my mind.

10:41: Jon Stewart cracks a joke that Three 6 Mafia has more Oscars than Martin Scorsese. Funny… when I heard it 3 years ago after Eminem won for “Lose Yourself.”

10:48: Hey, isn’t Philip Seymour Hoffman supposed to be barking?

10:56: I think that John Travolta just announced the winner of Best Cinematography as "Marmars of a Geisha."

10:58: The clip from Mrs. Henderson Presents has something to do with suggesting to see naked ladies. I’m on board with that. As long as it’s not Judi Dench.

11:00: The announcer informs us that Reese Witherspoon is familiar with country music, having grown up in Tennessee, and that she played a Cash in a 4th grade play. Why is he saying this? I haven’t a clue.

11:01: Man, Reese is so cute… I just want to pick her up and put her in my pocket.

11:08: I saw Dustin Hoffman on the street in my neighborhood a couple weeks ago, and his hair was much grayer than it is tonight. He is the epitome of Hollywood vanity.

11:11: Diana Ossana, one of the writers of Brokeback Mountain, just said that “the duty of art is to send light into the darkness of men’s hearts.” My roommate responds by saying “Argh, I want to rip my face off!” I know just how he feels.

11:18: Jon Stewart reminds us he’s funny by saying he didn’t know he could wear jeans tonight. Good line.

11:20: Okay, Ang Lee KNEW he was going to win Best Director. He’s known for months. So how could he start his speech by saying to his statuette “I wish I knew how to quit you”?!?!? James Cameron is officially off the hook for his “King of the World” debacle.

11:24: Crash wins Best Picture, and I am speechless. The producers are not, but they get cut off mid-speech to cut to commercial. Way to go, ABC.

11:29: The show is over, and like in the clip they showed during the overlong telecast, "I'm mad as hell and I'm not going to take this anymore." For shame, Academy!